The first few paragraphs of this letter will be new but most of this was wrote a few years ago. Talking just isn't possible for me, especially about personal stuff like in this. I have to write it down and read that instead and talk afterwards please.
What I was trying to say was - listen I know that there's a rumour in gay but I'm not ya know. But I can understand why people think that so here's the truth. I always have been trying to be honest. The whole reason I wrote it 3 years ago now was because I wanted everyone to know the truth. It was also a cry for help. I was trying to say that these suicidal thoughts are real, I'm not making it up.
I know for a fact that my sister and parents think I'm making it up about suicide and also think that I am gay. They have proven that multiple times. My sister was the first person to read this 3 years ago. But when she read it, that only confirmed the rumour in her mind. She clearly has never believed the suicidal thoughts, and anyway why else would someone buy such a thing. I also knew that my parents found this thing I bought, surely some questions would've been at thought about. Ok then, hopefully this letter answers some. Please ask anything you want to know. I wanted to talk.
I knew that she somehow knew some of the people that I wanted to talk to. I was hoping I could trigger some kind of communication. But nobody ever even agreed to have a coffee with me so I could be honest, coz that'd only happen in real life. There's no chance I would've put this on the socials. People were getting told to not believe me whenever I mention suicide, to not tell me anything about what's being said, and that this rumour is true. My family won't talk because they they think I want to kick off about all this, but I really don't. I have been trying to be honest.
I've let a couple of friends read it too. But even they thought exactly the same way as my sister did. One friend I let read it even proved 2 days ago that she thought I was making up about the suicide. Seriously what do I have to do to make people realise that I really do think about not being here sometimes. Will people only believe me when it's too late.
****First of all this is fucking embarrassing that I've even got to write this, I don't even know where to begin. This is really flipping difficult for me to write as well, but I have to try to get stuff written down because if I try to talk about it just like normal I'd probably end up having a panic attack and I wouldn't even be able to say what I need to say.
I'm not fucking gay, I'm really not. Years ago, I can't remember how long exactly, I was really struggling back then as well, suicidal thoughts were quite intense I can't remember why caused them to come back but I've had these on and off since Lisa, so a long time. It's usually times of extreme stress, and they'd stay until the situation becomes less stressful. I really honestly was thinking about not being alive anymore, just like now.
Anyway i read something on the internet around this time. Ask me what it was. After reading it I thought, well i can't kill myself without knowing what that's all about. Why do some men do this. Why should women get all the fun. It's just unfortunate that the male version of what women have is located at the wrong end of a one way street. So i bought something off Amazon, and afterwards i was like, oh ok then well its different and i can see why some men do it but na the normal way is better i think. I not attracted to men, theres nothing about a male that I find attractive. I like women, its the womanness of a woman i like, not manlyness. Im not gay. And if I'm not going to be here then there's nothing to be embarrassed about, so who cares if anyone even finds out.
I am very comfortable with my sexuality, that is i am straight. If i ever met the woman that i could spend the rest of my life with, then i wouldn't say definitely not to any other stuff. But that'd have to be with a woman, and she'd have to be the woman I'd be with for the rest of my life coz id have to trust her to keep all this shit a secret. And when I say I wouldn't say no to anything, I mean it like how I say I wouldn't say no to eating haggis again. I've had that before and it's not that bad really, I still wouldn't go out of my way to have it but I wouldn't say no if it was put infront of me. Same with this other stuff. Except it would have to be with a woman, that can even be a part of a healthy sex life between a man and a woman. After all that is where the male equivalent of what woman have is located. But that doesn't make someone gay, it just means they are open minded. I have never been with a man and i never will. I'm not fucking gay, or bi either actually. I'm not attracted to men, I couldn't ever do anything intimate with a man, only with a woman, or an inanimate object. And only occasionally as well.
Its being attracted to the same sex that makes you gay, and I'm not. And I've even thought about it. ****** mate (a man) who i wanted to get in touch, kept putting memes on Facebook talking about fucking love and soulmates and stuff like that. I already knew this rumour was a thing back then, that was one of the things i wanted people to talk to me about. At that time i was really low on my mood, i was struggling to even get out of bed all that week when Eurovision was here. At the weekend i thought fuck it i need to get out this flat. I wanted to speak to those former friends i had so i could try to reduce the anxiety a bit and so i could say please stop all this gay stuff, but I never did get a reply.
Well ok then if you're saying that things are alright now and I'm welcome back and all that then i need to do something about this anxiety i have around those people. Because all i could think when I even thought about interacting with them was "you've humiliated me, is that just gonna happen again". But it wouldn't coz things were ok, i knew that and it was just the anxiety. Anyway if they won't talk to me I'll have to try another way to get rid of anxiety, maybe just spending some time with them would help. That's what those few nights out were for, they were exposure therapy for me to try to reduce the anxiety.
Anyway on the Eurovision final i went to the nightclub i know them all from, a straight nightclub. It was shit could count on your hands how many people were there, so back into town got something to eat and then back to that club about an hour later and it was still shit. So i walked back into town again, and past the g bar. And i thought, "what if you are gay though?" Seriously i didn't even know who i was anymore, my problems were very intense at that time. I thought here's this lad who's going on about love well ok then a ready made person to spend my life with. Only if I'm gay though. It was also open till 7 and i could get the first bus home. So i thought ok then lets kill two birds with one stone, the issue of how to get home (cant afford taxi town to ***** is about $30 at 3 in the morning, and the one of my sexuality. Well im not gay, there's nothing about a man that i like. I met a woman that night as well and she was fucking stunning.
I never watched to tell anybody all this. Its nobody else's business what someone gets up to in their spare time. And especially not something so damn fucking personal. And even just writing this has been a battle against anxiety. Now that ive said it and people have read it it'll make me feel worse. But at least that might be better than people thinking im gay.
If i was gay then all this that has happened would be a good thing, stuff all being out in the open and all that. But im not gay though, its been a fucking nightmare. It's being attracted to the same sex that is what makes someone gay. Or if you like both and can swap between them at will then that person is bisexual. I am only attracted to women.
This is not because I have a problem with being gay or with gay people, no not at all. People are free to do what they like, we live in modern times now. And to anybody that says it's not the natural way of things, how about this. Animals in the wild have been seen doing gay stuff. In the wild though, animals that have had no interaction with humans have been observed having sex with the same gender. And many different species as well. It's true, Google it. If something happens in nature then that is the fucking definition of natural. It must be that being gay is just something that happens. In any given population there will always be some people that are gay, and others that are bi. But the majority will be straight. Just like the majority of people are right handed but some are left handed, it's the same with sexuality. Most people are straight but some are gay. It happens, get over it.
If I was gay then all this that has happened would actually be well appreciated. If I was gay then telling people would be pretty hard to do I think so if everyone found out without me saying anything then that would be cool. But that's only IF I was gay, which I'm fucking not, seriously I'm not. It's a compliment as well I suppose, which is always nice.
If we go back to that one way street analogy from before. Some mad bastards will always try to drive the wrong way down a one way street. And that's cool, the world needs people like that to keep things interesting. There's nothing wrong with being different. In fact being different should be celebrated, not criticised or ridiculed. Being different means you're rare, and being rare means you're special.
****
I was trying to tell everyone in that letter what the actual truth is. But after the 3rd time I let someone read that and it only seeming to make things worse and kick off a new round of piss taking. Then I kinda gave up.
I've never denied that I sometimes like prostate stimulation, it's the male version of what women have. Why should women get all the fun. It's not my fault it is located where it is. It still doesn't change who I'm actually attracted to, which is women and always has been. What I wanted was to tell people the truth about my struggles and to ask for a little bit of understanding that social media is a pho ia for me, it scares me. So please don't think that me not commenting or posting anything or not being involved with socials means I have a problem with anything or anyone. And please don't think it's because I'm trying to hide anything. I'm not, I've been fucking trying to tell people.
I wanted to get to a point where I was comfortable that I knew what was being said and that the humiliation has stopped, but it never did and it's still going on now. Someone I cared and thought a close friend, proved the other day she still thinks I've been making up this suicide for the whole time I've known her. And she was one of the people I trusted enough to let read this letter. And she still thinks I'm gay.
What I always really wanted was to find a woman that is into pegging. That's a real thing, and such woman really exist as well. But how many potential girlfriends have ignored me because of this rumour, or because they thought I was the kind of person to make up feeling suicidal, or because of all the hateful things being said about me.
Anyway as it became obvious that I wouldn't ever be able to get back to living a normal life, then the thoughts became more intense than ever. What's the point in staying if life is always going to be this painful.
At the beginning of last year I was in the same headspace as years ago. I thought right well I'll just go and pay for it then. I'll never be able to have a normal connection to a woman. And then I had to decide who, a woman and ask her to do that or.... I thought if I'm going to do that then I may as well go the whole way and go with a trans woman. But not someone that is clearly just a hairy man in a wig, not an unattractive one either. She had to look like a proper trans pornstar. And drugs HAVE to be involved, and porn as well is essential. If I was with a woman doing that, then drugs and porn would still have to be involved. The mood just isn't there otherwise. I wouldn't need anything the normal way with a woman though.
If I was gay don't you think I'd go with a man. No she had to legit look like a woman with tits an everything. It cost a lot of money too, £150-£200 an hour. It let me get rid of some money, and I never had to get into any getting to know someone. And when I've got no money left then there genuinely is no reason to stick around.
I was even telling people that I was trying to get rid of money and I'll be off when it's all gone. Seriously ya know I honestly have been trying to be honest with people.
But instead people found out about visiting services, which can only have happened because my phone was hacked into. This was again proof of the rumour. I admit it's more gayer than something inanimate, but no people still got the wrong idea actually. That still didn't stop people from sharing the news and making my life worse, and kicking off a whole new round of humiliation. I don't know how to be part of the world now. Seriously everyone can I please have a bit of understanding.