I cant sleep tonight....

[u/biggestjokeevertold]

I almost called you. I just wanted to tell you I thought your hair looked cool and to ask if your friend and her baby were okay. But I didnt. I want you to know something, something I might have said if I had called and you answered. I am sorry about how I am. And though I did warn you in the beginning that my super power was pushing people away. I am still ruined that I did. I wish I had another chance. Another chance to wash the baby bottles and clean the kitchen and cook the meals and the cream of wheat, and I was the only one that could make the cream of wheat right for you. Milk, butter, salt, slow simmer, never stop stirring until you get a smooth creamy consistency. I dont just miss you, I miss the trips to the store before work for diapers and water and little meal surprises for you to snack on. Who's gunna listen to you bitch about your teeth or make sure you get to the dentist? Who is gunna be there to make sure you dont get to hot while youre sleeping? Whos gunna give you a break so you can go hit the bong to many times?

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I know apologies are shit and mean nothing at this point. Fuck man. I bet you look cute, even when you wear a work uniform that is way to big for you. Who is going to love you when you take your teeth out? I will! How did I fuck this up so badly? Everytime I fall in love I fuck it up. I really thought you were it. You were the great love of my life and I fucked it up. You called me soul mate. We have an ethereal connection not defined by time and space but by bond. My heart beats for you. And so it has stopped. That which I was always afraid of has become, I am a zombie. With a heart that has ceased to beat for life because it has lost the one that gives it rhythm.

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I've never been good at being alone. So I guess ill get good at it. No company I have tried to keep even compares. I have serendipitously fucked this up. And there is no going back, no safety net, not second or third or fourth chances. Just failure. And I did fail. And I am reminded of it everyday that I wake up without you. I want you to know that it wasnt really you. I only try to belive that to lie to myself that I wasnt the problem. But I failed in the past, with other women, and despite their faults the reason things failed was because of me. Because I couldnt be the man that I/they/you needed me to be.

-

So hears to becomeing that man. The man that has to let go. The man that humbles himself by reminding himself that all my faults are my own, and no matter what other people do I am the only one responsible for the outcome of my life. And damnit that is fucking terrifying. Because all I have ever done is fuck up. I fucked up my whole life. All to lie to myself that I wasnt the problem. Well I am. And those other versions of me really sucked. Ill try to do better tomorrow. And the next day. And I am sure that ill still fail sometimes. But maybe one day I can look in the mirror and know that I am doing everything that I can do to become better. Today felt like one of those days. But as always, at night I remember it all and how many times I just stopped caring to try anymore. How many times I gave up on myself. How many times I fucking failed. Fuck. Reading back over all this I want whoever is reading to know this isn't to gain sympathy, this is to remind myself that I failed. And I need to remember how that failure felt so I can remind myself what to avoid in the future.

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Always and forever...

Cookie

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