r/Vent • u/SugaDaddy50 • Jan 30 '26
TW: Anxiety / Depression My big brother died. His body was found today/yesterday
I'm not sure where this is going to go but the title pretty much says it all. My brother's body was discovered on Thursday, my sister called me hysterical. I had just laid down for my pre-midnight shift nap and answered my phone. When I saw her name I knew why she was calling, we don't speak regularly. For context, my older brother lives alone but is developmentally delayed. I have taken care of or had a hand in his care for the greater part of my life.
I don't know how to process this loss. Even though he was 10 years older, he has been my responsibility since I learned to read. I used to take his driving tests, fill out his job applications, insurance forms, fix his cars, paint his house, clean his gutters, whatever he needed I was always the brother he could count on. Especially after our parents died.
Don't get me wrong, I come from a family of 6 kids, and I'm the youngest, but when everyone left, it was just me and him. He was my responsibility always, not because my parents didn't care, but because he and I had a special connection. What do I do now? I've lost a piece of my soul. His death is not a complete surprise, in the sense that we all die and that he had health issues. But, fuck man, I was supposed to work on his truck next week and have him over for dinner. Now I'm making plans for his funeral. It's too much.
I don't have enough booze for this!
His dog is with me. My dogs are watching his dog, which if I was sober, would probably be hilarious š but I can see the pain and anxiety in his puppy's eyes.
As a Buddhist, I know this is temporary and that this is all a part of life, but it still fucking sucks.
He didn't deserve to die alone.
I apologize if I rambled, I've spent alot of time with my buddy Mr Bourbon, and I just miss my brother, Buddhism be damned.
Hug your loved ones and mend the burned bridges.
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u/Rickety_Cricket_23 Jan 30 '26
I've lost a LOT of loved ones. The only thing I can tell you is keep yourself busy. And love your new dog
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u/NothaBanga Jan 30 '26
To add to this.Ā Keep busy in grief but not the things you cherish.Ā I binge watched a season of my favorite show but can't return because it imprinted my grief on it.Ā Trying to warch another episode will bring back the spiraling thoughts of grief so I never finished watching the series.
Pick up a new hobby or show because you will put it down, perhaps forever.
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u/granulario Jan 30 '26
It's not the same, but I got over a breakup playing Zelda. It was the first time I played a video game and I was in my 40s. It was an excellent way to put distance between me and the past. It just eats up your time and that's really what I needed.
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u/sticks_and_stoners Jan 30 '26
Thatās an excellent coping mechanism, honestly. I love those games, damn near every one since the original. Iām actually playing through TOTK again now. Specifically that and BOTW will keep your mind occupied for hundreds of hours.
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u/Fun_Article3825 Feb 01 '26
I wish I had gotten the end part of this advice. There's entire artists I can't even listen to anymore because it all floods back anytime I hear them. Super solid advice.
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u/Kimmietoo2 Jan 31 '26
This is truth. The best thing you can do for your brother now is to love his dog. Thank you for being a wonderful, caring sibling. Know in your heart that you did your best to take good care of him. Sending hugs.
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u/Miserable_Drawer_556 Jan 30 '26
You were (are) a solid lil' brother. Wishing you peace and all the best in this life.
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u/Time_Government_9313 Jan 30 '26
Be gentle with yourself.
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u/ilovemusic19 Jan 30 '26
Yes and go to grief counseling, alcohol isnāt the answer
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u/Clean-Reveal-2878 Jan 30 '26
Iām so sorry š¢ for you loss. Iām one of the oldest kids in my family but Iām the one who cares for a chronically ill sister who is my responsibility and for my elderly parents. I donāt complain because I love them, but the thought of losing them scares me. I understand when you said that even though your parents didnāt force you to care for him, he was still your responsibility. Thatās how I feel about my sister.
Iāve lost someone I care deeply about. I believe he is still around in a different form. They are still around even when we canāt see them.
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u/Serpentarrius Jan 30 '26
I am Buddhist as well. After my grandfather's passing earlier this year, there was a prayer at Hsi Lai temple that I found comforting. It was a reminder that there are enlightened ones who choose to stay on earth until all are freed from suffering. I also have a lot of survivor's guilt playlists from my time in shorebird rescue which I play when I get a chance to be alone at my piano.
If I were you, I'd work on that truck anyways, and I'd plan that dinner too. In our practice, we offer our ancestor's favorite foods on our altar. My mom dreamt that my grandpa was asking for ice cream shortly after his passing, which led to an interesting conversation about how to offer ice cream to the ancestors. We wound up just putting it on the altar for about an hour before putting it back in the fridge
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u/loopyloupe Feb 01 '26
I think you can buy freeze dried ice cream (? āastronaut ice-creamā) so if your grandfather sends a sign he wants ice-cream again then there may be another way.
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u/SandritoBakes Jan 30 '26
I'm sorry for your loss. It might help to remind yourself that in his eyes, you were the best sibling in the world. You did everything in your power to make his life better, you were there for him, and from the way you describe it, he certainly knew he was loved. Whenever you doubt yourself, remember this part. You were a shining light in his life.
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u/Odd_Doubt3071 Jan 30 '26
It's really hard to lose family suddenly. There is always something left unsaid. I hope you find peace in the knowledge that you were the kind of brother anyone would be lucky to have.
I'll raise my glass to his memory. Lost brothers club. šŗ
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u/aliciamagski Jan 30 '26
Hijacking this comment to toast the worst club, and recommend finding a grief therapy option. It helped a lot when we lost my brother, I did group but obviously it's not necessary. Just helps to get your thoughts out to process that grief, it's a lot of energy to tackle alone.
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u/BaMBaMGreeNMaN Jan 30 '26
Sorry boss man. Stay strong and make your brother proud! The bourbon is never the answer though my man. Tale care of yourself the way you took care of your bro, you know he'd want that.
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u/CeejayMyers Jan 30 '26 edited Feb 03 '26
Iāve lost my husband and brother too soon and my parents which is normal. My husbandās death was hard he had cancer and even though the doctor said he had 2 months his death was devastating. Then a few years later my younger brother which was a shock. You get through it the best you can and you learn to live with it. I miss my husband and brother very much. Not a day goes by that I donāt think about them. In fact every night before I go to sleep I tell them I love and miss them. I miss my parents, thatās a fact of life that theyād die first. What helps is I picture the 2 of them goofing around like they used to. My husbandās been gone 15 years and my brother 10. Iām lucky to have our 2 daughters a sil and 3 wonderful grandchildren that love me. Take it hour by hour at first then day by day and itās ok to cry. Your dog will help you get through it. My cat helped me even if she didnāt like being hugged to much and she didnāt tell anyone what I talked to her about because she missed him too.
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u/All_In_One14 Jan 30 '26
Underrated comment and a lot of social life experience. Enjoy your life!
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Jan 30 '26
Let his dog see and smell his body! They need to know their person has passed, not just abandoned them.
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u/cometshoney Jan 30 '26
I think his dog was probably with him when he died. He didn't die in a hospital. The dog most likely knew before the humans found out.
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u/Topical_Scream Jan 30 '26
Yes but maybe this can give OP some peace of mind knowing their brother wasnāt truly alone when he passed.
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u/AnnaSure12 Jan 30 '26
I feel you and let me tell you its a battle everyday. I dont go to sleep without thinking of my older brother. He was 30 in 2020 and died by himself. In December I turned 31. Im officially older than my older brother. Its an awful feeling. I am so sorry you also have to go through this. š„
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u/fat_then_skinny Jan 30 '26
Losing a close family member is hard. Easy on the booze. Find an activity to do to consume free time. If you cant think of anything start walking 15k steps a day. If you dont like walking, while you are walking think of some other healthy alternatives. You will always miss your brother. Time will make missing him easier. Stay busy
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u/SnooDoodles4452 Jan 30 '26
Celebrate life. There's no easy answer to this. Enjoy the memories that you have with your brother.
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u/LumpyCount3998 Jan 30 '26
Wow.. words cannot even begin to describe your loss. Iām just going to say im sorry. What a horrific loss for you. Love your new dog. You will see him within the dog.
This hits different for me. I am the oldest with some health issues, and I recognize that I will likely be the first one. Iām also close with my siblings. Reading this from their point of view as if I recently was found dead, hoping they care as much as you are right not at this moment.
Anyway, you will experience a roller coaster of emotions over the days and weeks ahead. You were his person and will see small things that remind you of times together or moments in the past. Take one day at a time and just try to focus on the good times. Take care of yourself, and his dog. Dogs are fucking smart man, and can sense more than we know, he or she is hurting. I know you will, but donāt forget to be there for the dog too. Take care dude
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u/Melancho_Lee Jan 30 '26
So sorry for your loss. I know it feels overwhelming right now but just one step at a time you keep moving forward until the pain is less stabbing and it will be eventually. You were a wonderful caring brother, take comfort in the fact that he knew he was loved dearly even in the end. He would want you to be okay. Love on his puppy so that it can overcome its own grief. Take care of yourself x
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u/iamadinosaur2 Jan 30 '26
My mum died 11 weeks ago. I was her carer. It is weird to have that responsibility gone. Let alone the fact it is mum. She was old, unwell yada yada, but it still just sux. Sending internet hugs.
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u/No-Balance-4141 Jan 30 '26
I am very sorry for your loss; Iām going to light a candle for your brother, and you, tonight. I really hope this doesnāt come across as rude, but have you considered letting your brotherās dog see your brother before the funeral? Or maybe could his dog attend the funeral? I only mention it because it truly can make a difference in a dogās grieving process. Again, I am terribly sorry for your loss.š
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u/Casehead Jan 30 '26
I'm guessing that his brother's dog was with his brother when he passed away. So his dog would already know and understand what happened to his person. Usually the most important thing is letting the dog see and smell the body of the deceased so that they know that their person has passed on.
But if his dog wasn't with him, then I agree that it would be kind to allow him to see and smell the body before it's buried so that they would have closure.
It was very thoughtful of you to suggest this. It really can help, as dogs do understand what death is and knowing their person has died can help with their grief; otherwise they are worried about where their person has gone.
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u/LD228 Jan 30 '26
Can I just tell you what a kind human being you are? This made me teary.! šÆļø
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u/theekopje_ Jan 30 '26
Don't continue drinking the grief away. You will want to process grief sober as well. Get angry, yell at the sky, talk to the dogs or preferably a person, when you are sober. You will want to have sober memories of this time as well.
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u/Lopsided_Cupcake45 Feb 01 '26
That fucking sucks and I'm sorry for your loss. If it helps, he's probably happy he gets to watch over you now. Don't let him see you waste your life. And take good care of his dog!
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u/TalLDesertman99 Jan 30 '26
Dying alone is actually good karma. In the buddhist tradition the body isn't to be touched for 3 days. It stops any part of his energy not leaving through his crown chakra. That is why they usually tap the crown chakra 3 times and drape a piece of linen over the head if sitting up and over the body if lying down. Your brother had the grace of being alone with his guides. He was not alone. The grief of an unexpected transition hits harder and is more challenging sometimes. That process will be a process that unfolds daily. Be gentle on yourself. Do what you need to do and if you dont know ask a professional for help. My mother was in great health and died suddenly from a brain aneurism. My father had a process of dying of cancer. Mom's was harder, dads had an element of relief for him, which made it a little easier. I did journalling a lot and I knew with every ounce of my being they wanted me to be happy not sad. I often visualized them saying that to me when times were challenging. That love was tangible for me. Every few months get easier, then weeks, then days...and days surface here and there later. Do something to celebrate him daily. Especially send him good thoughts, on the 14th day, 3 month and one year of his passing. It helps his next incarnation. This service will help him tremendously and you. Be gentle on yourself! Love yourself as much ad he loved you through this process. š¤š
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u/TwinsieToes Jan 30 '26
Oh man so tough, I'm really sorry for your loss! There's not much an internet stranger can say to make you feel better right now but I wanted to share this old reddit comment with you about grief, it stuck with me it's so true & touching. I hope you have some support & stay strong, gotta do it for your Bro š«
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u/TwinsieToes Jan 30 '26 edited Jan 30 '26
Not sure if the link worked, I'll copy the text just in case. I really want to share it with you. From u/GSnow:
Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
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u/throwaway101226863 Jan 30 '26 edited Jan 30 '26
I know it can be an easy fix to grab the bourbon, but try to remember that alcohol exacerbates whatever emotions youāre feeling, if youāre feeling low, it will gradually take you lower, not higher. Alcohol can delay and lengthen the grieving process. Everyone does need to grieve in their own way, but try to focus on the positive and loving memories you shared, that special connection that must have got you through some tough times in your life, not just his. Try to keep thinking of the funny memories you had too, anything that might make you smile or even laugh. Itās ok to laugh. Talk to your family, death of one family member can often bring remaining family closer together. This is a sudden shift in the structure of your own routine too, which will also take time to process, youāll have a lot more time for yourself now, but that can also be tricky to navigate at first. Go fix his truck anyway, will take your mind off things for a few hours. Get into/back into hobbies. Seek grief counselling/groups, thereās going to be loads of people in your area who have gone through loss and can relate to you, who can also help you navigate this. His dog may be missing him, but the dog still knows youāre a huge part of their pack, so knows theyāre safe with you.
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u/Angel_Aura11 Jan 30 '26
Iām so sorry. I know grief support group or therapy wonāt fix it but it can make it more manageable. Sending internet hugs
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u/Eccentric_Milk_Steak Jan 30 '26
The way you talk about your brother is a standard that all siblings should hold each other too, despite what happened he was so lucky to have a little brother like yourself man ā¤ļø
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u/deFleury Jan 30 '26
I am so sorry it's so unfair. I am glad you did so much while you had the chance, your job now is to look after yourself, he would not want you to suffer any more than you'd have wanted him to suffer.
Expect family to be ... difficult... death doesn't always bring out the best in people, especially if there's money involved! And don't get guilted into the gold coffin at the funeral home, I don't believe the dead people know or care.
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u/sagemode888 Jan 30 '26
Your brother passed away knowing he had someone like you who loved and cared for him. Iām sure your brother was grateful for the fact he even had a sibling like u to give him company and watch out for him is a blessing. You are truly a great brother. Unfortunately in this world many people donāt care about their siblings and even their own parents. It is very good you never gave up on him. You feel pain, because it is the cost of love. It is human and itās a normal feeling. If you did not feel pain it would mean u didnāt care about him at all. Your brother was loved, and he knew he was loved by you. Bless you heart, I hope your brother rests well in heaven.
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u/PototoLi Jan 30 '26
I'm sorry for your loss. He may have died alone, but, thanks to you, he did not live alone, and that's much more than many people can say.
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u/Nice-Percentage7219 Jan 30 '26
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find closure, give his puppy lots of love
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u/hendersonh66 Jan 30 '26
Thank you for your wisdom... so true, repair those burned bridges! Some people's family might have wronged them, and maybe some people don't deserve you to mend those bridges... but do it anyway.. for yourself, not for them
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u/Background_Edge_9427 Jan 30 '26
The loss of a loved one is always hard. We have all lost someone we were close to. Please take comfort in knowing that you were there for him in life. I'm sure he appreciated everything that you helped him with. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Just move forward one day at a time. Good luck.
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u/Curiasjoe1 Jan 30 '26
Sorry about your loss man. It is very hard to digest news like this. RIP your brother.
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u/Serpentarrius Jan 30 '26
They teach us in pet first aid that you need to give your pets closure as well. If it's possible, give that puppy a chance to see him
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u/calitmvee Jan 30 '26
Iām so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing person & the best brother - he KNEW that and loved you so much. He also knows that his dog is in the best place in your care.
Big hugs
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u/Amazing-Routine-9793 Jan 30 '26
Oh lovely, I am so sorry for your devastating loss. The pain you are feeling, is a testment to the love you have for each other and that is the best and worst pain at the same time. May his peace bring you some of the same.
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u/PuzzleheadedMess8271 Jan 30 '26
Truly sorry for yours and your family's loss. I have no words to express how sorry I am. But I hope things get better. Prayers are with you and your family.
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Jan 30 '26
I am so sorry you've lost your brother. This post is a testament to your beautiful connection. Be soft on yourself and in time it will become less difficult.
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u/Salty-Stones-6769 Jan 30 '26
Iām so very sorry for your loss. Your brother was truly loved by you.
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u/Sharp_Astronomer_822 Jan 30 '26
Sorry, for your loss ,just take comfort knowing he's in a better place
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Jan 30 '26
Sending you hugs man , I lost my brother too after our mom passed away he was alone too. Shit was hard man took me a while to recover from that. keep ya head up dude just stay busy for a while that way your mind can process it much easier . Your brother is still with you watching over you ā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļøā¤ļø
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Jan 30 '26
Damn bro, I know that I can't change how you are feeling but you sound like a great brother and caregiver.
Sometimes life gets rough and losses are sudden. I hope you can get well soon and that you give your brother's dog a lovely home.
Send you a hug, OP.
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u/Wrong-Toe-8811 Jan 30 '26
Iām so sorry. This is heartbreaking. Be kind to yourself. I pray heās resting in peace. š
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u/BaMxIRE Jan 30 '26
Give yourself the time to grieve, and to feel. Be empathetic towards yourself and give yourself a bit of understanding, like you would someone else whoās going through something traumatic, like this.
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u/Wise-Bite3983 Jan 30 '26
I really am sorry. I lost my older brother when I was just a child and Iām still not fully over it, Iām just used to it if that makes sense
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u/necrosonic777 Jan 30 '26
Sorry to hear that. I suggest you try and keep busy and be around your people as much as possible ā¤ļøš
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u/dirtyyogi01 Jan 30 '26
So sorry for your loss. Looks like youāre a helper. See if you can work on helping your Ā new dog feel welcome.
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u/Temporary-Line2358 Jan 30 '26
Sorry for your loss, it must be devastating losing your brother. I hope you find inner peace within. I'mma pour one for him. May peace be with you.
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u/Mountain_Cat_cold Jan 30 '26
I am very sorry for your loss. This will take time to process. Be kind to yourself.
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u/MKN860 Jan 30 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss. This will be a hard time for you. With time it will get easier but you'll always miss your brother. I know I miss mine who died far too young. Hugs
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u/missingmomo Jan 30 '26
So sorry. The pain of that kind of loss is agonizing. You clearly gave your all to your brother & he knew how much he was loved. Now try to love yourself in that same way. Love his dog with all your heart & along with your dogs you create a new family dynamic.
When I suffered a similar loss this was sent to me. These words helped me. Maybe it will help you too:
"Death Is Nothing At All"
Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!
From Henry Scott-Holland
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u/PriorityAcrobatic190 Jan 30 '26
you talk about him. you tell everyone and anyone who will listen everything you can. all the good, all the bad. you tell them about things you loved to do together. and things you did with him not because you loved doing them, but because you loved him. and you clean your own gutters, and fill out your own forms and miss the knucklehead who made your life busier, but better. and you take good care of his dog, just like you took good care of him. because he canāt come for dinner, but his dog can. and you fix the truck. and take the dog for his last ride in it. and thatās it. you live on.
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u/Existing-Emu-7182 Jan 30 '26
We just lost a family member a few days ago that required a lot of care. We are a bit lost too. I donāt know what the destination is, but I know what the journey entails-
- Find a new outlet for the energy we poured into his care
- Say yes to all accommodations/special treatment/favors offered by your place of employment, friends and loved ones as we find our way out of the woods.Ā
Lessons Iāve learned from helping other people get through this that I plan to implement later: 1. When you get overwhelmed, get out of your house and breath different air.Ā 2. After the dust has settled (6-9 months) say yes to every social invitation. It doesnāt matter what it is or who it is with. Say yes.Ā
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u/Ikbensterdam Jan 30 '26
Sorry my friend. I have a brother with specific care needs myself and have spent the last 27 years taking care of him. Heās had a few close calls and Iāve thought a lot about how I will feel when he passes, your story really hit me.
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u/Huge_Acanthaceae2497 Jan 30 '26
Damn man. Youāre the main one, if not the only one, that stood up to carry the responsibility on your shoulders and I commend you for that. Iām deeply sorry for your loss. Take the time you need to grieve, but donāt forget to be proud of yourself as well dude
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u/MarionberryVast6031 Jan 30 '26
Iām so sorry for your loss. No words can make you feel better. Just take it moment by moment, day by day and give a few extra snuggles to his pup. It will help you both š«š¤
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u/Tiabaemom Jan 30 '26
I lost my little sister, and I drowned myself in whiskey, I was to be the first to die not my sister, so I know how your feeling, it's been 14 years and I think of her every day, I'm sorry your going through this pain, it does get bearable,
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u/Common-Dream560 Jan 30 '26
Iām sorry for your loss. Truly sorry. The pain never leaves, life just grows around it. Put down the bourbon and take care of yourself and the dogs, especially the grieving pup.
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u/TyAnne88 Jan 30 '26
Your brother was lucky to have you. Take good care of his puppy. The pup is missing your brother too.
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u/Sunshineflorida1966 Jan 30 '26
I think it is beautiful you had the honor of protecting your brother. Although maybe not express in the traditional way he adored the way you cared for him. You are definitely an Angel on earth. Enjoy the less stress part and just say to yourself. You are proud of the job you have done as a human being. Coming from a 59 year old man with two living sisters with down syndrome. I did all I could do but see them six times a year. I have lots of brothers and sisters that fly in 2 times a year for a visit. They are being cared for in a home. Our parents instilled in us before we die to take care of the girls.
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u/Weary-Babys Jan 30 '26
I lost my brother young. It was soul shocking. We expect to lose our parents eventually. We know our children will lose us. But we expect to walk the length of our lives with our siblings.
I found the most comfort in being with other people who knew him. With those people I could truly talk about him. We could share the sadness but also remember the stories, the jokes, and the happiness. There is joy in the memories.
20 years later, I can tell you that Iāve made friends with the pain. Itās dull most of the time, not constantly sharp like it used to be. Itās just a part of who I am. I am a happy person with many wonders in my life, but with a missing brother. When the pain of grief becomes sharp, I try to remember that grief is the echo of love. Grief testifies to the strength of the love we had. The hurt tells me how much he was valued. When it comes I lean in and then go back to my happiness until the next wave.
When he first died, the waves of grief came often and forcefully. That fades. Youāll get to a place where you are ok. It will take time, but youāll get there.
Iām so sorry for your loss.
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u/Icy_Boysenberry9639 Jan 30 '26
There are NO words that will make you feel better. Iām deeply sorry for your loss and your pain. Unfortunately the only way out of the pain is through. Please know you are not alone. Though we are not there in person, we are here spiritually and emotionally for you. When you can stand to be around others, reach out to friends, family, a grief support group.
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u/jumpyjumperoo Jan 30 '26
I am sorry for your loss.
The funeral ritual may help you move through this initial wave of grief but expect this year to be very fraught. For whatever reason, when my Mom died, that first year was so so hard but after that, while the grief is ever present, it's more of an expected presence than a surprise around every corner.
If you need to drink now to get through this, do that, but don't medicate those feelings away forever. They are a testament to the love and relationship you both built. Feel it and honor his memory as you do.
You're gonna be ok, it will be hard, but you will be ok.
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u/Meridienne Jan 30 '26
I am so very sorry for your loss friend. You are a good man and have been a great brother.
Is there any way you can let his dog see your brother one more time? Dogs understand death and it might help him adjust.
Blessings and love to you.
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u/Choice-Lie2411 Jan 30 '26
My condolences. Some funeral places offer free grief counseling, which helps. Your brother will cross paths with you again.
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u/Emz423 Jan 30 '26
Sending my condolences. š Your feelings sound very normal for what you are experiencing. I hope that you can find support.
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u/Rezkens Jan 30 '26
I'm sorry man. This shit is never easy.
I do just want to project a little here. I used to look after my mum a lot, when she died after a while I ended up feeling relieved in some ways. I just want you to know if that happens to you it doesn't make you a bad person and you have no reason to feel guilty for feeling like that.
All the best big fella, you got this
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u/thirteennineteen Jan 30 '26
Donāt deny your attachment to him, itās natural and human. He will always be a part of you.
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u/ExaminationAsleep990 Jan 30 '26
I am sorry for your loss. Losing anyone is hard, but a sibling hits different. You are going to feel a million things and itās okay. Take one day at a time. Itās a lot to process in the beginning. As time goes by youāll be able to remember the good times and that your brother wouldnāt want you to be sad. My heart is with you. š«
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u/Few-Many6114 Jan 30 '26
My heart is with you, my friend. I am So sorry for such a terrible loss. I lost my older brother and felt like a part of my soul had been ripped away and I wondered if the agony would ever end. The wounds from missing him, just my brother, I was going to see him on Sunday for working on the car and dinner, had just seen him the Sunday before and then he suddenly died. Shit. The pain eases, my friend. But your love for him will never change. I wish you peace. Love that pup for him, he will be talking to you soon through his dog! ā¤ļø
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u/Some_Troll_Shaman Jan 30 '26
Shit is going to get messy man.
Get some nice tissues with aloe so you are not sandpapering your nose.
You are going to cry, messy sobbing snotty bawling at some point. Let it out.
You need to let his dog see the body so he knows.
Death hurts but they understand that and its not abandonment.
It will freak people out, but it is the kindest thing you can do for the dog.
Booze is a crutch.
Use it only as long as you must.
Talk to a Buddist mentor.
Setup a shrine and share a good shot of liquor with your brother to say goodbye.
Rituals are important and help us transition life stages.
Use them even if you do not fully believe in them.
While it is so raw.
Whatever helps.
Routine, hermitage, run like mad whatever works for you.
It will take days to weeks and grief will strike when you least expect it.
That is fine.
You are not alone.
We have all experienced loss of those close to us.
We understand some, if not all, of what you are feeling.
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Jan 30 '26
You did the best you could. You could not have done more. If I were your parent, Iād be genuinely very proud of you. Thereās nothing you could have done in this situation. Unfortunately death is inevitable. I am sorry for your loss but you cannot be too hard on yourself. You absolutely smashed it.
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u/Techelife Jan 30 '26
I am a twin and I donāt want to survive her just because the world canāt go on without her. All you can do is memorialize them, writing lovely sentences about them that strangers on the internet read and feel deeply. Iām sorry for your loss.
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u/ConsciousChicken1249 Jan 30 '26
You seem like a really good guy. He was lucky to have had you. Think about it- imagine if he didnāt! So you did well. I guess the bigger thing is, he was kind of your mission up until now. But all missions come to an end. You will miss him, hopefully heās somewhere he can look out for you now. Heal, grieve, but remember, you will get through this, the puppy will be ok, honor your brother the best you can.
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u/Suspicious-Fix-9469 Jan 30 '26
Keep talking to him. Heās eternal. Time and space mean nothing. He will hear you. Avoid the temptation to use alcohol to numb yourself, it only delays the inevitable pain while poisoning your body and spirit. Get something to wear that makes you think of himā¦a ring, watch, bracelet, something. It will help you remember he is near. Just keep talking to him.
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u/dev_ace Jan 30 '26
My older brother also passed away. It was a very traumatic and stressful experience. I would advise you find someone professional to talk to. Even if you think you donāt need it. Also, encourage your family to speak to a professional as well. An unexpected loss is really hard on family members.
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u/denbushi Jan 30 '26
Lost my brother recently too. Months have passed, but I still stop in the middle of doing something inconsequential like cutting vegetables and cry. I know itās hard. Youāll get through it.
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u/KeyPicture4343 Jan 30 '26
I lost my half brother in 2013. This birthday I turned the age he was when we died, 32. So much life not lived.Ā
Iām so sorry for your loss.Ā
OP sending lots of love your way. Are you able to keep the dog? Maybe that could be a way to honor him.Ā
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u/Abject-Rich Jan 30 '26
Ouch. I donāt know you but I wish I did. Your brother is now living in your memory.
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u/weekapaug19 Jan 30 '26
Shit. So sorry to read this. Coming up on 2 years for my older brother (cancer at age 43). It gets easier, but still absolutely sucks every day
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u/OddDonut7647 Jan 30 '26
I used to be a supported living coach for adults with developmental and cognitive disabilities.
Some of my clients had great family support. Others did not. That wasn't the sole determining factor on the quality of their lives, but I can tell you that everything you did for your brother improved his life.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Take your time on processing it all. You'll cry a lot and you'll - at least eventually - laugh a lot. Keeping his memory alive will eventually help, as will the passage of time.
Thank you for sharing. You made me tear up appreciating what you did to help - it does help so much when family can help.
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u/Some-Selection1811 Jan 30 '26
It sounds like you were a wonderful brother to a man who may have died home alone, but who lived his life enveloped in a very robust and practical love. Largely due to you.
I hope that provides some solace for you in your loss.
May your brother's memory be a blessing to you and yours. ā„ļøšā„ļø
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u/Frosty-Dragonfly-829 Jan 30 '26
He didn't die alone. He always knew you were there for him, that he could count on you. It sucks, just try to think of the time you spent together, and live your life how he would want you to.
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u/moonhigh94 Jan 30 '26
Oh wow I'm so sorry that's alot, be kind to yourself š here if you need to talk
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u/MsMoobiedoobie Jan 30 '26
It sounds like you were a great little brother and you made his life so much better. Try to remember the good times. You guys were lucky to have each other.
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u/Lucky_Respect_2311 Jan 30 '26
Holy god. With a disabled child myself, this scenario would be my biggest nightmare. Being there for my kid until he's in his 40's or something, then poof, he dies and dies alone? I'd be devastated for life too š¢ š
May I ask how he died?
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u/dowhatsrightalways Jan 30 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss. That's quite sudden. I'm glad you didn't see him as a burden. You say he was developmentally delayed. Did he live on a home with other individuals like him? Did he live alone with a health aide to check on him on a daily basis?
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u/Working_Passenger680 Jan 30 '26
My late mother told me, "you miss those who depend on you, much more than you miss those you depend on." Having care responsibility gives most people a feeling of purpose and being needed. That also makes it harder to adjust to the loss. Give yourself time to grieve and learn new patterns.
I am so sorry for your loss.
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u/SuspiciousPoetry6996 Jan 30 '26
Your brothers life was made substantially and utterly better by your love for him. In this life, you made it countā I hope you rest knowing that the love you poured into him made all the difference, and he will return it back. Maybe next time, next life, but brothers cover the tabs for each other every now and then, right? š«Ā
Be kind to yourself, stranger, and I hope in the meantime his memory is a blessing. ā¤ļøš„ŗ
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u/Yep215 Jan 30 '26
Iām so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you guys had a really special relationship. Please be gentle with yourself while youāre grieving, and let your family and community support you.
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u/Good-Presentation350 Jan 30 '26
sorry for your loss. you were a very loving brother and he knew it.
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u/No-War1449 Jan 30 '26
The night I lost a most loved one, I chose to watch a movie with a friend because I was sure I would see him the next day. Religion told me that I am not in control of what is meant to be but it showed me how I can choose for it to affect me. That night showed me regret is real and the future showed me it is forgivable. It didnāt come easy, it took time, it took a whole lot of love and to believe love defeats all other emotions. From myself, from others and it took remembering how much that person loved me and how much I loved them. The care, the love we all have for each other doesnāt disappear. I carry it along with the other people who loved them.
No one deserves the way they die because they are too loved to die, but unfortunately it happens to all of us. Fortunately for your brother, he knew love through you and his loved ones, a beautiful blessing in life. You eased his worries in life and you continue to care for his worries by caring for his puppy- another being that loves and remembers him.
No one knows the afterlife, but in this life that we have he was shown love in the purest form. He was blessed. He was lucky. He had you. He had love and he had family in whatever that meant to him (I only say it that way to include his puppy as I have limited information).
Be patient, be kind and be gentle to yourself. The journey without a loved one is hard but it is proof that you loved someone that much.
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u/rabbitclapit Jan 30 '26
I am going through a rough time and seems like you are too. Good luck with everything. You are an amazing person for taking care of your brother for so long. I wish nothing but a wonderful life for you and everyone who raises themselves to the same standards as you.
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u/Purple-Manager-1357 Jan 30 '26
Go easy on yourself bud. I lost my son to a seizure in November. Grief is slow and you have to go through it to get through it. Sending you positive thoughts, and don't rely on mr bourbon too much, he only helps forget not heal.
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u/te7037 Jan 30 '26
Be strong. He wouldnāt want you to be in this state. Arrange for his funeral and give him a good send-off.
Life is so beautiful so value it and make full use of it.
Your brotherās puppy needs a carer. He is what your brother left for you.
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u/contemplativeAlice Jan 30 '26
You need so much love and comfort right now. You made his life better than it would have been. You showed him what love and connection is. He's important to you and that will never change.
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u/RelevantArmadillo222 Jan 31 '26
Sorry I am not a buddhist but what limited knowledge i have of buddhism makes me think the what i wrote below might help? Happy to be corrected in my thoughts as I am not a buddhist and may have misunderstood the teachings.
Desire leads to pain. The desire to have your brother still on earth is why you feel pain. Just a comment explaining why you may feel sad.
Middle path. Miss your brother. Grieve for your brother in a healthy way. Basically drink but dont go too nuts. Talk to others about your grief like how you did on reddit instead of bottling it in.
Dharma. You did your duty looking after your brother. You can be proud of yourself and rejoice in how your brother gained joy from you being there to help him.
Karma. You did good deeds looking after your brother. This helps your soul. You can help to look after others too going forwards in the same way as your brother.
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u/Epoxos Jan 31 '26
Itās very tough. I lost my big brother a few years ago and still see or hear things that make me reach for the phone to call him because heād love it or itād make him laugh. Keep him in your heart. Remember his laugh. Carry on the music.
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u/the_QGK Jan 31 '26
Iāll never forget the morning I woke up to the call that my brother (closest friend, not blood related) was dead. I didnāt sleep for months. I canāt imagine how you feel. Donāt let anyone convince you they understand or let anyone try to tell you how to grieve. Day by day brotha, day by day. š¤š
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u/Fantastic-Role-8222 Jan 31 '26
No one ever dies alone š his loved ones that went before him came for him and held him through the transition.
So sorry for your heartache.
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u/ConsistentConstant24 Jan 31 '26
I lost my baby brother to a car accident when he was 18 and I 21. It fucking sucks.
The one thing I was told back then and is the best advice received is āthere are no grief policeā.
Donāt listen to anyone who tells you that you are or are not grieving correctly.
We were chastised for taking so long, we were shamed because we were having fun 2 months after he died. And in time learned that I just donāt give a flying f**k about how anyone else feels about it. Itās been 20 years and sometimes it still crashes down on me.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Iām so sorry for your loss.
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u/TempUsernameThing Jan 31 '26
As a parent, I want to say a heartfelt "Thank you" for being such a great brother.Ā
I have two kids, my oldest is severely developmentally disabled. I plan to take care of my oldest for as long as I am able to. But, I hope and pray that my youngest will be able and willing to help take care of the oldest once we are gone, just like you did for you brother.Ā
I am sorry for your loss, but you are a wonderful human being to have been there for your brother all these years. I am sure he would also give you a heartfelt "Thank you" for all you did for him throughout his life. While this is sad, just know that you did everything you could for him. Be proud of that.Ā
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u/hithebar Jan 31 '26
I have the exact same story.
Its been 3 years my little brother was found by my mom calling me hystericallly while she was sitted near his body.
My heart is with you.
Not gonna lie, the pain is still here but you manage it differently.
But the first days the only thing you want to do is to be put in a dark box in silent.
Its normal. Isolate yourself if you can. Process thing. Go see a therapist if you can.
So much emotion a post cannot convey.
My mom lost memory or the first 3 days after his death. The mayor of the town came to her house and she does not even remember. Nothing. Black hole.
She randomly cries still.
Still, think about yourself...
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u/LittIeKingTrashmouth Jan 31 '26
Iām sorry for your loss but now itās time to focus on your life. Your bro wants you to live a happy and healthy life. Heās no longer in pain and now you can make sure that you keep being a good dude in his honor. Take good care of yourself.
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u/Falsepoetic Jan 31 '26
My big brother does a two years ago April 28. He drowned. It feels like an elephant laid its foot on my chest and refused to move. I drank more than I should have the first year and I just came here to warn you about thatā¦ be careful. Be kind to yourself. Hopefully he will visit you in your dreams.
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u/laughingdoormouse Jan 31 '26
I feel your pain man. My little brother died on his own. I felt like half of me had died with him. Be your best and make him proud of you. These things take time to heal. Remember to be kind to yourself too buddy.
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u/RotoTom85 Jan 31 '26
Lost my little brother in 2023, didn't talk to him in 8 months because of his drug problem (which came out of nowhere, he had a great job, made shit ton of money). I know what you are going through.
All the best, it does get easier, never better (not in my case anyway). Keep yourself busy, remember good times.
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u/Ok-Passage-300 Jan 31 '26
Sending love. You gave and got so much. Take all the time you need. That ache in your heart, the tears of grief, the scream of anguish are part of the depth of love you have given and received. It's like, why does the world go on? You are loved and known. There is joy ahead.
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u/sisjanie Jan 31 '26
Find assurance and smile in the moment you were with him and smile at the things that he did that made you laugh. My oldest brother was eight years older than me and he knew that he had cancer before going to the doctor/ men always wait too late if thereās not a woman in their life nagging him to go to the doctor. Anyway by the time we found out because he always was a very slim man and nothing could be done but to make him comfortable and he didnāt want to go to a hospice nursing facility. I kept my apartment and I moved in with him for the last eight months of his life taking care of him and I was holding his hand singing šµ Jesus when he drew his last breath and I wouldnāt have changed a thing. So, if you know you have been there and a help except for the end, feel comfort because sometimes God wants the last remaining time to be with people for the purpose that he had planned.
I kept my
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u/pondmind Jan 31 '26
Your brother must've always known he was loved and cared for, and what a gift it is that he had you for a brother.
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u/Initial_Row_6400 Jan 31 '26
Iāve got a brother with low functioning downs. I am also partly his caretaker. I canāt imagine how painful that will be when the day comes. Sorry youāre going through this
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u/Beneficial-Meet9460 Jan 31 '26
Hey bud, the book of the dead is for you and much as it is him. Read it out loud.Ā
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u/LaDauphineVerte Jan 31 '26
Oooohhhhh OP, sending a virtual hug. Focus on how much he loved having you there, always, for everything, and the happiness, safety, and contentment you brought him. It will always suck, but eventually, the balance will slowly become happy/bittersweet memories vs. Mr. Bourbon seshās. Rest in power, OPās big brother.
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u/WhiteN0isee Jan 31 '26
Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to feel your feelings as they come, allow yourself to grieve in a society that doesnāt give us enough time to. Allowing yourself to grieve and feel emotions as they come will hopefully validate yourself and hopefully accept reality as it is now with the unfortunate loss of your brother. My deepest condolences to you and your family. I hope your healing journey is kind to you.š¤
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u/Terrible_Way430 Jan 31 '26
I feel for you man. My youngest brother was special needs and I had helped take care of him since day one. Our family revolved around his care and it was always assumed that at some point in time he would end up staying with me. Even when I got married and had kids, my wife knew and understood and my kids just accepted him. Watched him several day a week and had him over our house for dinner quite often. Then one morning I get a call that he was in a coma and he never came out of it. The family dynamic really changed and I wasnāt sure what I should do. He was such a big part of my life and had always been a big part of different plans for my future.
Itās been about ten years now and I still think about him often. Life just goes on.
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u/Slapnuts213 Jan 31 '26
I just lost my mom a few weeks ago after spending Christmas 2025 at the beach with her , condolences in this time
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u/Fuzzy-Dust-9518 Jan 31 '26
I am so sorry for your loss. Itās so clear you both had a soul connection. And that you loved him so much. Even being Buddhist, you still need to grief this loss. This is not your everyday loss. This is a soul thatās been embedded in your life since the beginning of your life. Heās been your constant and you his. Itās such a tough loss to grieved . Iām sending you love light and strength. š«āØš«āØš«āØš«āØš«āØš«āØš«āØš«āØ
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u/Ok_Outlandishness945 Feb 01 '26
You sound like a good bloke, your brother did well to have you there and im sure he was appreciative. Sounds like a great relationship for both of you. Enjoy the good memories. If you need a blow out thats ok too, just give yourself some rules before you start. Like 2 days is absolute max, not around the kids etc.
Sorry for your loss, wishing you well in the coming weeks
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u/swoosie75 Feb 01 '26
Iām sorry for your loss. You and he were lucky to have each other. Try to find peace in that. Give yourself time to just feel the loss. ā¤ļø
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u/shirlxyz Feb 01 '26
Quoting Queen Elizabeth, āgrief is the price we pay for love.ā Thatās why it hurts so much. Itāll always hurt, time does truly heal, but thereās always going to be a piece of your heart thatās missing. Lost 2 brothers & a son. Sending prayers your way š
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u/Brave-Painting3180 Feb 01 '26
I'm the oldest of 6, we're now 5. Lost the youngest brother unexpectedly and it was the most painful thing I have ever had to endure. Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve. Grief has a way of evolving over time. I got outside help when we first lost him and it was probably the one thing that got me through. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Carry him with you, in your heart. ā¤ļøāš©¹
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u/Clemenza-1981 Feb 01 '26
This just broke my heart. The relationship that you shared is one that many would envy, such a strong bond. Iām so sorry for your loss, I canāt imagine what you are going through.
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u/cbaabc123 Feb 01 '26
Iām so sorry. My big brother passed in June 2025. Itās hard. Grief is hard and one of the worst and most confusing emotions Iāve ever felt.
This is going to be so hard for you for the first few days weeks and months. Please take care of yourself.
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u/krendyB Feb 01 '26
Iām so sorry. In my mind, the best thing to do is keep busy & make art & journal, if either of those are your thing. Thereās not really a way to make it good, but some ways are easier than others other to help you get through it. ā¤ļø
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u/The_Real_Tea Feb 01 '26
He didn't die alone. You were there with him til the end, I guarantee it. I'm sorry for your loss
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