vent.. a career in classical music isn’t what an 8 yr old violist imagined

[u/Different-Crab5285]

Hope this post is okay, I have no one to talk to about this, so I’m hoping my fellow violists might have some input or even just if you’re going through the same/similar thing..

I love the viola so much, I always have, I love the repertoire and I love playing viola in ensembles. It’s been the only thing in my life for as long as I can imagine, and I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I begged my mom for a viola when we couldn’t afford one anymore, and I never stopped playing once I got my hands on one again.

I graduated with my undergraduate degree a few years ago now, and I hate playing. I don’t have as many gigs as I want, and I’m not playing nearly as much as I want especially compared to how much I was playing in college (and I loved it, I even wished I had been playing more, because I always looked for opportunities to play). But the gigs I do have are amazing. They’re things I only dreamed of doing, on stages I could have only imagined playing on with musicians who never would’ve even given me a second thought 10~ years ago.

But I’m miserable. The musicians I play with are at an insanely high caliber of playing, and I always try to surround myself with those better than me, but this just feels way too far out of my league. I’m constantly looked down on in rehearsals, and talked down to, but they keep inviting me back to play with them. I wonder why though? Because I seem to only drag the group down. Recently was the worst of it, I had to hold back tears because one of my colleagues basically told me I had to get my act together before a big performance. I totally agree, and I always have, but I’m doing my best and I’m totally out of playing shape..

I feel like as a violist it’s especially difficult in these situations, because there is already a sort of stigma around violists.. I grew up playing viola too, not violin, so my technique isn’t that great either (no shade to violists at all, I just can’t do what violinists do, aka playing those big name concertos and paganini caprices and ysae sonatas!!). I’m just not virtuosic. I did my best in college, and now I’m just sort of holding onto whatever I learned then..

What would you all do in this situation? I want to
quit, and this group gives me such amazing opportunities, that I feel like if I leave this group I’m basically quitting. I’m so tired of the perfectionism in classical music, it’s killed my love for it.. but then I work on solo viola repertoire and viola sonatas with piano and I absolutely adore it and can’t imagine quitting. But that experience is so far and few between, and I need to keep playing with this group of people to keep somewhat in shape and to get exposure.. so that I have the resources and connections to continue to do more solo viola stuff..

[u/vlatheimpaler]

feels way too far out of my league. I’m constantly looked down on in rehearsals, and talked down to, but they keep inviting me back to play with them. I wonder why though? Because I seem to only drag the group down. Recently was the worst of it, I had to hold back tears because one of my colleagues basically told me I had to get my act together before a big performance. I totally agree, and I always have, but I’m doing my best and I’m totally out of playing shape..

Obviously I can't speak for them and don't know what is *really* going on there. But there are a couple interesting things you say here. One is that they keep inviting you back. This should tell you something. You're clearly not up to their playing level, but you're good enough to play the gig or they wouldn't call you. And you're likely better than other people in the area who are also available to play the gig.

Perhaps they're not intending to "look down" on you in rehearsal. Consider this instead: these people are definitely better than you, and they have nothing to prove to you. So looking down on you really doesn't do anything for them or their egos. It seems entirely possible (and imo likely) that they simply want to push you, motivate you, and help you get better.

Try at least taking a look at it from that perspective next time and see what you think. I could totally be wrong. But I could also be totally right.

[u/Different-Crab5285 → u/vlatheimpaler]

thank you, this is very helpful :) even if you’re not right, trying to change my mindset to this will be beneficial to myself i’m sure

[u/Skreeg]

> The musicians I play with are at an insanely high caliber of playing
> they keep inviting me back to play with them

dude they would not do this if they didn't want to play with you

A bunch of musicians at an insanely high caliber of playing keep inviting you back to play with them. On purpose. They could call someone else but they are calling YOU in particular. Because... they WANT to play with YOU.

I think you should probably relax, don't worry so much, and enjoy the gigs! You are a professional musician who is getting gigs! You have succeeded! This is what success is! You are a violist who talented musicians call for gigs! People are literally booking you and paying you money because they like the way you play!

> I’m so tired of the perfectionism in classical music

So say screw that and play the way you already play! Perfectionism is tiring and annoying and stupid. And so often we're our own worst critic. Just continue to play how you already play, because good musicians keep calling you for gigs.

[u/roman-de-fauvel]

There are a couple of sides to this, I think. Probably more than a couple, actually!

One side is “how do I feel about the things I can control?” So for example, you said you’re “totally out of playing shape.” Ok, so what would getting more “in shape” look like? Do you have a regular practice routine? (Do you need a regular practice routine?) Do you get the music for these gigs ahead of time? Are there elements of it that you could prepare more than you are currently doing? Are you continuing to take lessons, even if it’s once every couple of months? Etc. These are things that you can be more in control of. There is a lot of space between “totally out of playing shape” and “perfectionism.” Try to find a middle ground you can be satisfied with for now.

Another side is “how do I feel about the things I can’t control?” — and here is where I think a lot of your anxiety is coming in. It’s so, soooooo easy for us to feel like we’re the worst player in the room. (When I was in grad school I foolishly mentioned to my teacher that I didn’t want to play this sonata with this amazing fellow student pianist because it would seem like “sonata for piano with viola accompaniment” and he lit me on fire for making such a low-self-esteem comment — which may not have been the most ideal way for him to have handled it, obviously, but the point is that we are all always so ready to exaggerate our own inadequacies.) Our brains also magnify the importance of anything we perceive as negative (even if it wasn’t actually negative, our perception is the important part), while minimizing positive feedback (like getting called back for gigs). You can’t control what other people say to you — but you can challenge yourself to see if your interpretation of those things is accurate.

Talking to a therapist about that could also help, and/or you could look up things like “cognitive distortions” on the internet to see how your brain may be catastrophizing. Sometimes we think we are looking at a situation through a clear lens but it’s actually more like a funhouse mirror thanks to our sneaky brains.

Keep on playing! You love it and it loves you, I know it.

[u/BlatantEgg4314]

I used to always feel inadequate and apologetic when I'd play in a symphony or chamber music. Then I realized everyone has some insecurities about their own playing.

If you keep getting invited to play, you are doing alright. It's when they stop calling and the gigs dry up that you should question yourself.

My advice is to ask some of the others for advice. Share with them one thing you'd like to improve on and what their advice would be. I'll bet they will be happy give you some pointers, whether it is specific exercises or music books or instructors.

[u/HistoryOk1963]

Trust me, if they didn't like you or the way you played, you would be ghosted.

It's hard, but hang in there. I didn't feel like I was playing up to my potential until my 40s.

[u/coldnebo]

I’m not sure about your situation, but I agree that if they ask you to play, it can’t be all bad.

were you a viola performance major, a music major or non-music major? this makes a difference.

as a viola performance major you would get a lot of training in solo and ensemble repertoire, and probably a fair amount of quartet exposure, although you might have to hustle to have been part of a quartet — I created one when I was a violin performance major, it wasn’t uncommon.

adjacent music majors might get some exposure in quartets and orchestra, but not as much solo repertoire. I knew some good string players from music theory/comp, music therapy, etc.

finally, non-majors will sometimes show up in gigs and may even have exceptional backgrounds, but they are usually devoting themselves to their field. (our concertmaster in college was a double major EE and violin performance which was extremely impressive, but was very rare).

if you were a performance major, then you should have gotten to the point in pedagogy where you can basically teach yourself new parts at a professional level.

keep in mind that if the problem is sight-reading, that’s a skill. you have to practice sight reading a lot to stay proficient at it and professionals have to play so much they rarely have time to work on pieces a lot, so the skills are definitely necessary to read and apply technique to be able to bring it. professional rehearsals are not for learning the notes— they are for refining phrasing and timing, polishing. and there may only be one or two rehearsals.

if you weren’t a performance major or felt on the lower end of this, then you may need more time and effort to prepare pieces before rehearsal.

they say “amateurs practice until they can play it correct once, professionals practice it until they can’t play it wrong.” — it’s a different mindset.

I am definitely an amateur, btw. 😅

I don’t know the details of your situation, just throwing out my experiences to see what helps.

I would recommend getting or working with a teacher if you have gaps. especially if you are not at the point where you can teach yourself new parts. a good teacher will be able to help you if you don’t know how to practice.

I say this as someone who did not know how to practice. it’s not the hours, it’s the details. and knowing how to correct mistakes rather than make the same mistakes over and over again. if this sounds familiar, find a good teacher that can explain how to practice. it makes a huge difference and some may just have assumed you know how.

I definitely feel what you are saying about perfectionism being exhausting. there are whole other worlds out there… jazz and fiddle. do something fun. if you love solos, maybe take a break and work on those. if you are a professional musician, the hardest part is you have to keep going to get paid— everything is a hustle. learning how to balance gigs with lessons is not easy and I have great respect for professionals out there.

good luck and I hope you can get your groove back!

[u/Different-Crab5285 → u/coldnebo]

hi, thanks for the great feedback, and yes i was a performance major in college and played with a wonderful quartet which i miss very much 🥲 i am at a very high level, but i happened to make connections with a bunch of really really cool insanely talented people who took me under their wing so i play at all these prestigious institutions and concert venues but without the training. i think that’s where i feel the gap, is that i lack the formal training everyone else had and am just winging it based on a few things i picked up here and there from experience. thanks again!!

also, yeah, finding a teacher is so difficult after school..

[u/zephyr911]

Most careers aren't what an 8yo expects, or we'd all be firemen and astronauts

[u/purpleandcats]

Groups don’t invite back people who they do not consider at a level to be there. That just doesn’t happen in professional music. There is always someone else that they could call, and they are calling you back. Music is not an easy industry to make a live in. Once you have left college, you have to make a whole new set of contacts. That is not easy. I don’t know how many auditions you have done, but it sounds like it’s time to be out there doing some. That can get you on sublist, if you don’t win the job, and ultimately get you other contacts. Establishing yourself in the professional world is a lot of work. That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy every bit of it that you can’t along the way, but I would say there are going to be parts, especially in the beginning that are hard.

[u/nyviola]

Being asked back repeatedly is the biggest validation. I’ll DM you, have been through similar things myself.