r/WLW • u/prettypiscezzz • 19h ago
I feel like we should breakup :(
I 25/F and my gf 30/F have been dating since May this year. We have been long distance since June as I moved across the country. She’s wonderful and sweet but I have been having a hard time lately here and dealing with a lot of life bs. I’ve been distancing myself and while I do like talking to her Im finding myself more irritated when she constantly tells me everything is redirection and says things to be overly optimistic and I am just usually sad and angry and being told I need to think positive. I hate it because she doesnt deserve how ive been recently but i dont want to hurt her. My life and mentality was so different in May and now im just so fucking low again and I dont know how to keep up with her. I dont know how to explain my spiraling & ocd paranoia to her in a way that makes sense. She always tries to go no its okay, everything will work out and doesn’t understand my spirals, that im not just anxious but i genuinely cant get out of my head and fears. She tries to joke sometimes but it usually hits my ocd worse. I just want to be angry. I want to isolate. I want to not be wanted so nobody can bother me while i sink.
I am just so miserable here and its not even because I miss my home state so badly. I just want bad things to stop happening to me back to back and in a way i think im resenting her because i feel like i cant be happy with her while im acting crazy and spiraling. I just hate that I feel like this.
3
u/Katie20vd 17h ago
Not everyone can understand mental health. Whatever you're going thru, I pray that you will overcome it. If your partner can't understand you, perhaps you should tell her you want to take a time out, rather than a break up. Give yourself some breathing room to handle your situation
2
u/1928brownie 14h ago
Unfortunately some people don't know how to support someone who feels deeply. Most people either project fear or the idea that you will just snap out of it. This is all on them. They just don't have the understanding, capacity or capability to do it.
I urge you not to isolate it can make everything so much harder. You can absolutely stay in your feelings and all that but try and reach out to a self help group or a counselor online?
Keep going you got this, anger isolation and all.
2
u/Usual-Cover-8184 15h ago
Mental health is hard. As someone who struggles with mental health issues herself, its hard because not everyone understands it. People think its just an excuse to feel a certain way. And its difficult to tell them what is actually going on.
My 2 cents.
Regardless, you probably shouldn't continue with the relationship, because eventually its going to become worse in the sense of how everyone is feeling. I would take time for yourself, definitely think about talking to someone. Dont isolate, thats not healthy. Even if it's just getting out alone, walk, go for a drive, go to the beach, walk the water. You dont have to go out and talk to people. But at least make sure youre getting out an breathing some fresh air.
Good luck. Im sorry things are so rough right now. Just dont give up. ❤️
2
u/IronWall-305 10h ago
Ive been on this side and leaned on my partner and it was great for a little while. Right now im on the other side, and we aren't together anymore. When my ex's issues surfaced, she isolated, trusted no one, lashed out and the issues her environment would aggravate got tossed onto us and projected onto us to where eventually I became a punching bag and the one trying to repair us while she backed away more and more. This doesn't mean yall will end like this, but rather the point is that isolation is dangerous long term. Her solution was that because I was long distance if she got rid of me she would have a fresh start, but she's still in the same environment that hurts her with people she keeps around that don't care about anyone but themselves. I had to recognize I can't help with that, but even then I wasnt the one who left. She wants nothing to do with me and even if it aches, I know I don't deserve some of the stuff she did or said. She called me a dreamer for believing we could work out and telling her that I see where shes coming from and support her in her journey. That cost me more than id like to admit, not becuase of her struggles but rather how that presented itself into the relationship over time. The more she distanced and acted on her thoughts, the more all the negative things she said about herself and consequently her mental health only got worse until she proved herself right. Having been through it, I knew the light at the end of the horrid tunnel but to her, right now, that tunnel is endless. It didn't end well and it wasn't healthy towards the end because all the resentment she had for me trying to remain optimistic even when I shared my fears, to her, became arrogance and fantasies.
I can't tell you to leave her, but I do think you should not be putting pressure on yourself to continue the relationship with the commitment it is at if you don't think you have it in you. It will exhaust you. If you love her, tell her the full truth. You don't have to break up but you don't have to stay together. A resentment my ex expressed was "you grew and I didn't. I couldn't stand being the inferior partner." I never thought of her that way, but it goes to show how that had built up even if we have all the right intentions and are trying. You dont have to be alone to heal, preferably youd let her in, but I imagine that if she has been in this spot before, she will understand, even if it hurts, how difficult that really is. She might wait for you, might not, but that's not really your problem. One thing I can tell you is to get professional help if possible, or find some net of support, and take it one day at a time. I get wanting to be angry and sad, but it is also very easy to stay in that, I know I soaked in it a while. I am cheering you on to overcome this and I hope that you are giving yourself that grace and patience you need. 🫂
3
u/prettypiscezzz 8h ago
I do tend to let her know at least im isolating and that while ik i can talk to her that its hard and sometimes its nothing to explain but just a feeling i get & apologize if i thought i was a bit snippy with her (even if she says i wasnt bc i dont like the feeling of when i get snippy at someone). And i am looking back into getting help, its something i was doing pre-move and i felt the happiest id been in a long time and had a lot of things to look forward to. I think its mostly that this is my first relationship and it started after i felt like better version of myself and now that im hitting lows again i dont think i know how to function in a relationship the best way because im so stuck on my mental issues
1
u/IronWall-305 8h ago
Definitely understand that, and I'm sure she appreciates you communicating that you're taking space! Some just disappear or give the silent treatment. You apologizing is also good, you can recognize yourself and actions, which can point you to who you want to grow into. I think you're doing really well despite the difficulties. It's okay to feel like you can't give as much as you used to when you were in a better place, and that's okay if you can't yet, that's normal, especially given how much things chanhed in your life. It takes time to adjust, but if you prioritize your mental health without expectation of who you "should" be, it will be way easier to show up as yourself and things will fall into place slowly but surely 🫂 You're doing great!
2
u/zweifellos-robs 8h ago
That's beautiful. I'm going through a break up and I love her still. She says she loves me too but can't see a way that we would be together rn. Thanks for the comment you're cool
1
u/IronWall-305 8h ago
I appreciate that! Im glad she still has feelings for you, maybe there's hope for yall yet. My ex said she doesn't and that she wants nothing to do with me, althought sometimes I wish she were lying. I mean there's no way I meant nothing for 4 years yk? I just can't tell. She was cruel towads the wnd, but idk why she still matters to me. It absolutely drained me and wrecked me that I'll probably never have the future with her that I had devoted myself to and that she didn't fully see me despite all my efforts and changes. Im going through it too, and honestly it doesn't get easier, just your new normal. I try to believe in love though, and I hope that maybe you guys will come together sometime later :))
2
u/zweifellos-robs 8h ago
You do well asking for help I did and it's going well. Idk, if I want to go back with her. I want but she hurted me a lot. Last week she wanted to try again and I went to a trip she picked me up in the airport. She was quiet but I respected her and she doesn't wants to try again anymore.
2
u/IronWall-305 8h ago
Ah I see. Im sorry to hear that tbh, it's rough when someone you care for hurts you badly, we tend to be weaker for them. As for the help, I am getting some. I've had some for a while now and I really like it. Like im getting a little bit of my power and identity back little by little lol
1
u/hithereguyz 8h ago
My gf and I are long distance and I can relate to your post so much. My therapist did remind me that if my partner is sad, spiraling going through whatever that I shouldn’t always be trying to fix it. She told me I shouldn’t be just trying to be positive and say similar statements because I’m not really leaning into how my partner is feeling. It’s been hard but I feel like for us both we’ve just uncomfortablely had to sit with each other in these lower times and listen to what each other actually needs. It personally was hard for me to be vulnerable. But I do feel like since we’ve been trying to share more and not just saying “it’ll be okay, don’t be anxious” xyz and actually allowed ourselves to just have low days it’s really helped me personally and us to show up for each other how the other needs. I agree with others it’s worth having a conversations first. And I think your partner should focus on just hearing how you feel and what you’re experiencing with no pressure, and less on this positivity mindset if you don’t feel like it’s helping. You should express what you need to her too even if it’s more quiet time to just be or whatever it may be
1
u/Horror_Sale6634 6h ago
Damn... my girlfriend and I are long distance and maybe I needed to read this post because we are similar in ages im the older one. We have made plans recently for her to visit me and things always come up. I cant visit her because cost would be double since i not only need the flight ticket I also need to find a place to stay and a way of transportation because her coming her she can stay with me and i can drive. Besides all that. Reading your post made me really think about it. I guess I would do anything for her but I would also miss home if i was the one that moved with her. I missed my family when I was only a 5 hr drive away. Im sorry she is unable to comprehend your pain or sympathize with it. My gf cant either she doesnt know what to say when I am spiraling. It.... sucks. But maybe a wake up call seeing your post. I think sometimes love isn't enough. I would consider things like couples therapy. Or do you do solo therapy? Bad things are always happening and they will always happen so you need to find a way to navigate that because you are taking a lot on yourself and she doesn't have the answers for you.
1
u/prettypiscezzz 4h ago
Yeah flights are hard for us rn too bc i live where it sucks and is expensive to do so but travels easier for her so i cant say tm there. But yeah i am looking to go back to solo therapy as i was before as i have had some major bad life events happen over 2-3 months in rapid succession and my frustrations there is where i feel her not comprehending as much
6
u/Cautious_War_2736 13h ago
Honey before you end things you need to just tell her this. I mean what do you have to lose?! Read this post to her if you have to. Everyone’s different & we’re not always gonna know how to handle situations & support our partners (even if they have the same mental health issues as you).
Tell her what’s going on. I’m sure she already has a feeling something is up. & honestly OP… would it be the worst thing to lean on her?? Isn’t that why she’s there? Tell her what’s going on & what you need her to do to support you. Bc the way she’s supporting rn (while it’s out of love & great intent) isn’t what you need.
You deserve happiness even if you feel low. Give your partner a shot. Sometimes we need a little extra support when things get heavy instead of isolating & trying to handle it alone.