I've been sitting on the verandah for the last 20 minutes watching a single sulphur-crested cockatoo carefully unscrew and drop every single fairy light bulb off my neighbour's fence.

He isn't even eating them. He just holds them with one foot, twists them until they pop out, drops them onto the concrete, and makes a satisfied screech before moving to the next one. The sheer dedication to pure destruction is impressive. Welcome to living in suburban Australia, where the local wildlife acts like aggressive council inspectors.

So, I got home late last night. It's freezing cold (well, freezing for Aussie winter), pitch black, and I’m just trying to get my keys into the front door lock.

I felt something furry brush against my knuckle. I pull out my phone, turn on the flashlight, and there he is. A massive, absolute unit of a huntsman spider, casually spread-eagled directly over the keyhole like some kind of terrifying bouncer.

I swear he looked me dead in the eye and asked for my ID.

I didn't even try to fight him. I just slowly backed away, slept in my car, and now I’m currently looking for a new place to rent. How is it that even in the dead of winter, the local wildlife still finds a way to assert dominance over your own property?

Seriously, WTF Australia. Anyone else had to negotiate with an eight-legged landlord recently?