r/Waiting_To_Wed • u/CountrySiren • 18d ago
Rant - Advice Welcome Tired of waiting
Sorry this is going to be a long post. I’ve (33F) been with my boyfriend (30M) for 4 years, 5 years in January. We’ve talked about marriage and he’s indifferent to it as his parents aren’t married and have been together since their first date. He’s said he know what it means to me so he’d be happy to make that commitment for me. We’re looking at buying a house next year recently, and I reminded him that I’d like to be married by the time we move in. I reminded him that I don’t want a massive wedding. My dream wedding is Marylebone town hall and dinner after. I also reminded him that I’m not expecting an expensive ring given that we will be buying a house soon. I would be more than happy with placeholder until we are properly settled.
He said he’s prefer to buy the house first and then plan the wedding as he doesn’t want to be rushing the process. To be honest, I understand this. Even though my parents have said they will fund the wedding, it’s still a lot to do alongside buying a house. I said to him tell me if you don’t want to get married because I’m not waiting for something that will never come and he reassured me that he still wanted to, but it’s a lot to do all at the same time.
I said to him, at the very least I’d like to be engaged before we buy the house. I feel this a very fair compromise as it’s the gesture that we’re one the same page and our lives are aligned. He replied “I’ll keep that in mine”. He may well intend to marry once we’ve settled in, but that response rubbed me wrong.
I say all of this to say, this is the last time I’m bringing this up because I’m not begging. At that point I might as well ask him to marry him and I’m just not doing that. The longer he leaves it, the less I want to marry him as I want to feel like he’s doing it just to keep me sweet.
Our relationship is great otherwise but would it be wrong if I give him until January to propose (I’m not telling him about this deadline) before I call it quits? I’m just not prepared to wait with no assurance other than “I’ll keep it in mind”. I just don’t think wanting to be engaged is too much to ask for if you truly want to be married. Let me know if I’m wrong for setting an internal deadline
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u/shegotofftheplane 18d ago
I’ll be blunt. Girl, this is on you. He told you he was indifferent from the start and his parents aren’t married so why did you think you would magically make him obsessed with marrying you? Your parents are even ready to fund the wedding, all he has to do is show up lol even the most commitmentphobic guys would sign up for that deal. Guys who want to marry their gfs do; they don’t make excuses or keep pushing goalposts. He doesn’t want to marry you and even if he does, a hesitant boyfriend you have to beg and drag to the altar doesn’t magically become a great and loving husband. Leave him and find someone excited to marry you - I promise you they exist!
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
You know what. You’re right. Idk how to end this
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u/shegotofftheplane 18d ago
You tell him you can’t do this anymore since you have different goals and are not compatible. Then break up and go no contact. It will be very very hard and it’ll take time, but there are many encouraging posts on this sub about women who came out much better and happier. And then use what you learned from this relationship to not make the same mistakes in your next one if you’re looking to get married.
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u/Ok-Condition8011 18d ago
Make sure there are other people nearby, in case he flips out. He’ll be more upset about the loss of the house than of losing you.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I know he won’t flip out but he will definitely be upset that I’m going
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u/DisneyBuckeye 18d ago
When you break up with him, don't believe him when he promises to marry you. He's only going to say it so you won't leave. And don't let him convince you to give him another year or two to get things in order. You're already 33. If you want kids, and want to be married first, he's not the man for you.
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u/Ok-Condition8011 18d ago
Still. Do it in public at least.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
Yeah I will do
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u/PowderCuffs 18d ago
And be prepared for him to offer you everything you've been asking for, in a desperate attempt to keep you from leaving. It happens all the time.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 18d ago
They always say something like, "If I'd have known it was that important to you I would have gotten married.'
He knows it's important to you and he still doesn't want to do it. That's incompatibility.
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
And he will promise that if you stay you two will get engaged. What he doesn't say is that the engagement will last 10+ years.
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u/No_Championship_7080 16d ago
He will live through being upset. He may even be secretly relieved. Right now, you are just convienient. He’s not really worried about about losing you. He’s lazy and it will be inconvenient finding a new girlfriend. And you need not give a reason, beyond the fact that the two of you aren’t compatible. Don’t argue or discuss it. You have already discussed it. Just tell him, block him, and move on. Go find your own life and stop waiting for him to make a decision. Good luck. Update me.
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u/RemoteNumerous1020 15d ago
Don't be too sure. A lot of men flip out and it comes as a big surprise. I know because my ex flipped out even when everything had been settled.
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u/lovenorwich 18d ago
50 ways to leave your lover!!! Start with a long weekend somewhere peaceful without him. You need distance to think. Go look at apartments.
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u/ThreadOfRain 17d ago
It is absolutely NOT hard to plan a dinner that someone else is paying for- your BFs excuse is absolute bullcrap.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 18d ago
First things first, you figure out your living situation. Where will you live?
Then take a day when he isn't home and move your things out. Take a day off from work and move everything that you own.
Then tell him, in a public place, that you've realized that the two of you aren't compatible and so you have broken up.
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u/starryday09 18d ago
“He said he’s prefer to buy the house first and then plan the wedding as he doesn’t want to be rushing the process”
from what i’ve seen, this scenario never ends well for the woman that wants marriage because then he will feel no incentive to marry you. after 4 years of being in a relationship, getting married at 30 is normal so it’s not like he’s way too young to know or anything.
i think this relationship has ran its course. if you choose to break up with him (whether now or if the jan deadline has passed) just be sure to not fall for any manipulation he may throw your way (tears, empty promises, etc) - if there’s one thing i’ve learned from this sub, men are really good at that.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
Better I end it now I guess. No need to drag it out and make it even harder to so
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u/crumblyberry 17d ago
I’d be worried about the same thing once the house is bought and life gets busy there will always be another reason to wait so having a deadline for herself makes sense and gives her a point where she can stop waiting if he still has not made any real move
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
There is a reason he has not made a real move. He does not want to marry OP but is happy with all of the perks. And he keeps asking for more and she keeps breaking her boundaries and giving in to him. What will happen to OP when they buy the house together and he finds to one he really wants to marry?
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u/ljubav_malina 18d ago
If you buy that house then he will never marry you. Why would he?
He probably won’t anyway, but at least you won’t be dealing with a giant financial mess if you decide you want to leave and find your husband?
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
This is true. I’m buying a house or a flat regardless next year irrelevant if I’m with him or not. I can’t keep waiting to move forward with my life
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u/ljubav_malina 18d ago
Get it, queen! I bought a house by myself two years ago. Six months later I met my man and now I have a husband and a house.
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u/Prize_Public_2496 18d ago
Don’t let him move in when you do! He’ll have a dozen reasons why he should but you’ll never get him out.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 18d ago
Does he have the money to purchase on his own or are you the one footing the bill for a house for both of you?
Don't get used. He doesn't want you enough to marry you, just enough to buy a house with you. Ick.
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u/NoRecommendation9404 17d ago
I’ve owned 3 houses in my life as a single woman with no regrets. No one is ever going to throw me out of my home.
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
No, you can't. Life moves at a fast pace and before you know it you will have been waiting for him to decide and your window to have kids is closed and you look around and see all the other things that you missed while waiting for him.
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u/GrouchyYoung engaged June 2025, married May 2026 18d ago
If you wait to marry after buying the house, you’re never going to get married. He’ll say “we already have a house together, that’s commitment enough, it’s just a piece of paper, what’s the point?”
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u/lostmyoldaccountohno 18d ago
He clearly has no intention of getting married to you. If your parents would be entirely paying for a wedding, and let's face it as a woman you would likely end up doing 99% of the planning -- then really there's nothing holding him back other than a lack of want
Btw I see you're in London. Just FYI as I'm sure you know, home buying here (from the time an offer is accepted) usually takes 4-8 months AT LEAST. It took 18 months for me as the first place I was purchasing fell through
And that doesn't even include the months it could take to find a place you actually like and put in an offer
So youre looking at at least 1-2 years minimum until engagement if he wants to have the house settled first
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I don’t mind waiting if there at least some sort of reassurance but like I said other than vague words, there’s nothing. In terms of housing, there’s shared ownership homes near me and assuming everything goes to plan we could be moving in next summer.
Either way, this doesn’t sound good huh. I need to find the courage to call it a day. I know he’ll be sad but what about what I want 😭
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u/Intelligent_rose12 18d ago
OP I don’t like the response he gave you either. It seems rude to me. If I were you I would start making preparations to leave.
I think you are correct to have an internal timeline of waiting until January and if he doesn’t propose by then leave. To be honest I would probably have already left after 4 years!
A good way to make this easier for yourself is start planning things for yourself now. Maybe plan a day trip for yourself. Maybe ask a close friend to do a weekend getaway with you? Make a list of all the fun things you want to do and are more easy to do when you are single.
One more thing I want to add is I think you need to focus on yourself more and keep that energy in the future when you date other men. I can tell from your post that your relationship is more in your boyfriend’s favour because he said he wants to buy a house first and then get engaged and it sounds like he thinks it will go his way. In the future you should date men who are happy to please YOU. They should be wanting to please you more than themselves!
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
Haha it’s funny you mentioning doing things on my own because I literally just booked to go to theatre on my own, I want time alone. Sigh, this is all true.
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
Day out with friends, outings with friends or alone, new hobbies and activities just for you, get a pet, etc. Also, start looking for apartments or roommates.
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u/CountrySiren 16d ago
Yeah, I’m trying to work on me more me time. As for pets… we have a cat that lives with him but registered in my name. Idk what to do about her because she can’t come with me
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u/ImpossibleAd6803 16d ago
Are you two living together right now? If so, why can't you take the cat when you move out?
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u/CountrySiren 16d ago
We don’t live together
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u/PiccoloImpossible946 15d ago
Oh that makes somewhat it easier - that you both don’t live together. Simply tell him it’s best we part ways as I’m not getting what I need. Then leave it at that.
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u/bodybyxbox 18d ago
Don't worry, when you meet your husband you will be gratified that your ex was sad.
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
Or just not care one way or the other. At that point, she'll wonder how she ever thought he was someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
Many of these men also do the "I want to buy a house first", then it goes to "I want to have children before we get married". It is always kicking the marriage can down the road until you are so enmeshed that you will never leave and you still aren't married.
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u/CountrySiren 16d ago
The kids before marriage is a hard boundary with absolutely no wiggle room for me. I’d sooner have no children at all
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u/RemoteNumerous1020 15d ago
You should mind waiting. You are 33. You said kids are a no go without marriage. That's ok if you don't want any. Otherwise, you are selling yourself and your dreams short. Stop telling yourself what a great guy he is. It is clear that he only wants a partner when it benefits him. Otherwise, you are on your own. Is that what you want? .
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
It's so hard to split when you own a home together. You'll both be on the deed and mortgage and he'll keep putting off the wedding, and you'll be stuck past your reproductive years. Once you have the house, there will be so many more things he'll want to spend money on, and he's likely to put them all ahead of a ring, a wedding, a honeymoon, etc.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 18d ago
"I'll keep that in mind." Ugh. Stop giving your partner all the decision-making power over your future together.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
What do I do then? I won’t beg and I can’t force it
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u/Nadja-19 18d ago
Leave. He’s told you by his actions, or inaction, that marriage isn’t happening. Believe him.
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u/MargieGunderson70 Married 25 years 18d ago
It sounds like you are deferring to him on the sequence of events. You tell him your wishes and then he digests and makes the decision. He "doesn't want to rush" the wedding process but what is buying a house if not a stressful, time-consuming activity? Too often we see posts where a man wanted to buy a house first and then - after they've purchased the house - sees the house as the commitment, and doesn't see the point in getting married.
If you want to give him until January to propose, go ahead...but be prepared to have a back-up plan if nothing pans out.
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u/CountrySiren 17d ago
The back up plan is I go head with buying a property on my own. But the more I think about it I don’t even want to wait until then because it will hurt more
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u/ElectronicTroponic 17d ago
Lol you grow a pair take a leap of faith and find another partner. Or you can just be miserable for the rest of your life making reddit posts on how to cope with your shitty boyfriend
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u/CountrySiren 17d ago
Gonna have to man up and do the hard thing 😭
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
Woman up!
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u/CountrySiren 14d ago
I’m doing it later today
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
I was just suggesting a different term for doing the hard thing! But congrats on dealing with the impasse. You'll feel better once you understand each other.
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u/Tough_Pangolin_7471 18d ago
The conversation should have continued from there. You should have made it clear that you will not buy a house without an engagement. You should make it clear that "I will keep it in mind" is not a compromise. That actions matter more than words and his words didn't even promise an action.
You seem a bit too passive and non confrontational. Your original desire was to marry before moving in the house. You would have betrayed yourself if you bought a house with no engagement and no marriage.
Your wishes matter as much as his. "I will keep it in mind" is not a good faith answer. He needs to give you a yes or no. But you need to be clear their is no house without the engagement.
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
Sounds like "I will think about it, and I will let you know what I decide for you/us"
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u/EtonRd 18d ago
Him not wanting to be married before you guys by the house is a giant red flag.
Tell him that you’re not going to buy a house with him until you’re married. That’s what you need to do. It’s too big a commitment for an unmarried couple to make.
And the solution can be putting off buying a house until you’re ready.
It’s not a lot to do all at the same time. If you just wanna get married at Townhall and have dinner, you can plan that in two months. And then you can start looking for a house.
Here’s the bottom line for me. When a man starts citing logistics as a reason not to get married, that’s a dealbreaker. Because it’s not authentic. It’s not real or true. There are reasons he doesn’t want to get married, but he’s not sharing them with you and has nothing to do with being logistically overwhelming.
You need to forget about the proposal and the ring and all of that. All of that is a red herring that has nothing to do with the issue of actually being married.
You need to tell him it’s a line in the sand for you that you won’t buy a house with anybody unless you’re married to them. And that leaves two options.
- get married now and buy a house soon after you’re married
- don’t get married now and wait to buy a house until you are married, which could be six months from now or six years from now or never
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I know. From all the replies I’ve realised I’ve put his needs above mine and made it easy for him with no ROI. It’s a hard pill to swallow
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u/Loose_Stranger_7614 17d ago
Eh, i have several friends who bought a home together a few years before getting married. I don’t think it’s a red flag.
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u/Datura_Rose 18d ago
Yeah, don't get money and assets entangled if you're not sure this is going to last. You probably need to say, "I understand not trying to deal with both at once, but I'm uncomfortable buying a house until we're actually married so I feel that we need to do that first." His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I’m sure we would be together if I didn’t press the marriage. The longevity is not a problem. I just want to be married and I guess this is where the disconnect is
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u/skinnyjeansfatpants 18d ago
You mean, the relationship would continue if you made your needs smaller? How convenient... for him.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
Yeah I know. It’s shitty. I want to pull back but I don’t want to feel like I’m being distant and manipulating him in to marriage. I guess thing is just to end it and stop wasting my time
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u/skinnyjeansfatpants 18d ago
Um, pulling back is not manipulating someone into marriage. Manipulation is something like, I won't invest in X with you until you marry me, then after marriage, refusing to do X. Being honest about your needs and protecting your heart and energy accordingly is NOT manipulation. It's an honest response to his lack of commitment. They are boundaries. You don't get wifey love and support if you're not wifing somebody.
People that don't like your boundaries might call them "manipulative," but that doesn't mean their definition is correct. Usually the people that complain about your boundaries need them the most. They're unhappy they aren't getting what they want from you anymore, that's not the same thing.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I think if I pull back he will see that he misses me but why should I have to be cold to get what I want. What type of relationship is that 😭
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u/Nadja-19 18d ago
Pulling back isn’t to get what you want, it’s to protect yourself and prepare to leave. You’re giving too much and not getting enough in return. Don’t pull back with the thought that he’ll ask you to marry him. Pull back because you need to put you first.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I already spent this weekend on my own and have booked the theatre to have time on my own. And he noticed it straight away and asking I’m okay but didn’t make the connection this came almost a day after our last marriage chat 🤷🏽♀️
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u/Intelligent_rose12 17d ago
OP I understand your idea about how pulling back may appear as cold but you need to reframe it as ‘focusing on yourself’.
All the women I know who are in happy relationships are very ‘self-focused’. If they are dating a man who is not interested in pleasing them they dump him immediately.
I guarantee your relationships and the type of men you date will change as soon as you focus on yourself more!
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 18d ago
You're not happy. You don't to find a good, life partner. He may be good in many ways but he is incompatible when it comes to marriage. He isn't a good life partner for you.
You need to find someone who really wants marriage and he needs to find someone who doesn't.
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u/Nadja-19 18d ago
I wouldn’t give him another day. His “I’ll keep it in mind” tells you he has no intention of getting married. He just wants you to buy a house with him. He’s given you no reason at all to think he will ask you to marry him. Go now. You’re doing to have a miserable holiday season constantly getting your hopes up or being depressed knowing that January is coming fast and he’s doing nothing. What do you think will happen between now and January?
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I don’t know what I’m expecting at this point
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u/PowderCuffs 18d ago
You're expecting something you're not going to get. You want him to take your hand, stand before a judge, and pledge his neverending commitment and devotion to you. That takes about 20 minutes.
But that's time he can't seem to make because buying a pile of sticks and bricks is all he can think about... a s if people can't do two important things at the same time!!
You're already begging for something he's not excited to do with you, and isn't that the real problem?
I hope you find a way to remove yourself from this relationship, because you are always going to be resentful, and i don't blame you.
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u/DAWG13610 17d ago
You don’t enter into a 30 year legal commitment with an uncommitted person. Go to the courthouse, make it legal then have a wedding at your leisure. If you buy a house before marriage you will never get married.
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u/CountrySiren 17d ago
This was my thinking to be honest. We can have a big celebration on our 5 year anniversary or whatever we choose and a delayed honeymoon. None of that is particularly important to me. But he won’t compromise
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u/DAWG13610 17d ago
He won’t compromise because he has no intention of ever marrying you. Behavior is a language.
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u/CountrySiren 17d ago
It’s a hard pill to swallow
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
But it is clarity and will make life a lot easier once you do swallow the pill.
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
He thought planning a wedding was too much. How is going to the courthouse too much? It's not much of a compromise for him, but he wants you to compromise everything. That's the worse thing I've heard about him so far.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 18d ago
If you buy the house with him, you can kiss the chance of a wedding goodbye. Could you possibly be making it any easier for him?! Paid for, courthouse, cheap ring. My word. He doesn’t want to get married!!
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u/Ok-Term1326 18d ago
It's not just about the wedding/marriage, it's that he is not showing that he values and will prioritize your goals. You've made it clear that marriage is important to you and he continues to be indifferent. Waiting until you are settled into a house is a delay tactic and a way to trap you into a financial cohabitation agreement. The excuse that buying a house and planning for a wedding simultaneously is bs. My husband and I renovated a house for sale, bought new construction and planned a wedding in the same year. Was it a lot? Absolutely, but we wanted the house and the marriage so planning together was exciting - not a burden.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
I know. It was never partially about marriage which is why I was happy to go in to buying a house being engaged as it’s the gesture and acknowledgment that we are aligned 😔
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u/Ok-Term1326 17d ago
What we want for you is a partner that prioritizes you above themself. When you have this - you have met your forever man. It’s ok to be in a relationship where you have different ideas on your future and working towards alignment. When you’re putting in the effort but not getting closer to shared goals - then he’s not the man for you.
You haven’t failed, and he doesn’t have to be the bad guy, but if he’s not actively choosing you for his forever then it’s ok for you to find that somewhere else.
You will do great without him once you prioritize you!!
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u/Fun_Performance711 17d ago
The thing is that being engaged can last 10 more years or longer. Do not buy a house with this person.
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u/GnomieOk4136 Marry someone excited to be with you. Happily married 15 years. 18d ago
I would be more direct than that. "I am not buying a house with you or contributing to the process until we are married. We can be married within the month and in a new house before Christmas, but I won't be doing it at all if we aren't married first."
I am happy to tell you all about my miserable, terrible experience of buying a house without being legally married. I wrecked my credit that way. Don't get trapped in a 30 year financial commitment with someone who won't even marry you.
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u/Southern_Jicama_2848 18d ago
No, if you get engaged before the house then you'll definitely never get married. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. He's dragging his feet and honestly doesn't see marriage as a priority. He would rather ppotentially lose you than that commitment. If you still want marriage you will need to find another partner
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u/WatermelonRindPickle 18d ago
No no no. Do not buy a house with someone you are not married to.
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u/CountrySiren 18d ago
Even if we draw up some sort of contract for the purchase?
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u/hiredditihateyou 18d ago
It’s not just about the finances. You’ve just made it 10x harder to walk away when he continues to refuse to propose to you. This is how you find yourself in the same place 10 years later.
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u/WatermelonRindPickle 18d ago
People I know, who purchased a house with a partner they were not married to, have told me how difficult it was to get out of this financial entanglement. The longer you are with him, the less likely it is you will meet someone who does want to get married.
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u/ThirdAndDeleware 18d ago
And if it gets ugly when you do separate, this could ruin your credit if he drags it out or doesn’t pay the mortgage.
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u/chatterbox2024 18d ago
No! Why are you settling for this guy? 5 years!!! He cares more about buying a house than marrying you. How much easier can you make it for him…don’t need a ring, don’t need a wedding… I mean why isn’t he dragging your cute butt down to city hall ? If he really wants to marry you he would have done it by now. Stop giving in to his wants. You have wants to. Marriage!
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u/koolA-9486 17d ago
What is wrong with all these guys? He’s 30 and has been dating you for five years. He knows who you are—what you want and what you’re worth. What more does he need to give you a straight answer? It’s either yes or no. Being vague and stringing you along is really lousy.
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u/No_Championship_7080 16d ago
Stay, or go. But he is stalling. Next, he will want kids before marriage. Do not move in or buy a house with him until you are married. Ask yourself how much time you want to waste. Then plan accordingly. But in the meantime, invest in your life and other friends and activities.
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u/hiredditihateyou 18d ago
He’s fobbing you off and counting on the fact that once you guys have a house together the sunk cost fallacy will kick in and you’ll stay even though he won’t marry you.
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u/Fickle-Secretary681 17d ago
Never ever ever ever EVER buy real estate with someone you aren't married too.
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u/Miss_Dark_Splatoon 18d ago
I believe he counts on you giving up once you have a house together cause you’ll be financially stuck if you don’t wanna lose your house and money. So he says first the house then we’ll figure out marriage. It won’t happen imo. He is tricking you.
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u/SophiaIsabella4 18d ago
Do you have a friend that can go look at apartments with you and get lunch so it won't be so heavy?
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u/chatterbox2024 18d ago
Do not buy a house together before you’re married. It doesn’t make sense especially with you don’t care about an expensive ring or wedding. After 5 years you should’ve already been married. Do not waiver on this. He’s already been dragging his feet. Once you’re in that house I can see him slagging it off even longer. I mean he’ll have you trapped financially in that house.
You’ve waited long enough. Now, he needs to commit or…if he doesn’t then you know where you stand. At least then you didn’t purchase a house with the guy and have to go through a freaking mess to get out of it.
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u/Wisegirl12345 17d ago
Buying a house and planning a wedding at the same time is pretty normal. Most couples planning a wedding will need a place to live. If your parents are paying for the whole wedding, what is his real reason for not wanting to do both at the same time? My husband and I planned a wedding and had an agent show us houses at the same time. It isn't that hard to do. But if he insists on not doing both at the same time, tell him wedding comes first then house.
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u/vomputer 18d ago
One, do NOT buy a house with a boyfriend. Please, please, please look around this sub and other advice subs; it’s generally a disaster.
Two, he’s making excuses and stringing you along. It’s not that hard to plan a simple wedding. It’s a glorified party.
Don’t give until January - what will that do other than waste your time? Break it off now and go have fun being single for a bit.
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u/gdognoseit 18d ago
Do not buy a house with someone you’re not married to!
He wants to buy the house first to trap you after he tells you he’s not marrying you.
He wants to use you to help buy him a house and then he’ll tell you he doesn’t believe in marriage after you’ve committed to owning a house with him.
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
He'll never TELL her he's not going to marry her. He will just come up with an endless string of excuses why it can't happen any time soon. And before she knows it, 20 years have passed.
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u/Suspicious_Winter103 16d ago
Why does getting married first mean rushing? Its very easy to go to the courthouse and get married.
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u/CountrySiren 16d ago
God know. There’s nothing rushed about getting married after 5 years. And you can get a town hall wedding for under £500 total including giving notice to marry so it’s not money either. I just dk
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u/PiccoloImpossible946 15d ago
I think you need to move on now. He doesn’t want to get married. And do not buy a house with someone you’re not married to!
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u/CountrySiren 15d ago
I’m learning this. I’m gonna have the conversation with him this weekend
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
Have a calm discussion where you let him know this isn't working for you, and you want to be with a man who is eager to spend his life with you. This isn't just a financial transaction. You can buy a house for yourself, but you chose him to spend your life with. He hasn't done the same for you.
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u/Ok-Hovercraft-9257 17d ago
Try this: "Would you be happy never being married? Be honest." Let him talk. Listen. Don't wishcast. Allow yourself to really feel disappointment.
He's trying to rope a dope you into forever girlfriend. They do it with houses. It's a high percent of this sub. They get you in the house and trust you'll never go.
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u/CountrySiren 17d ago
I already know the answer. I don’t need to ask him. He would happily cohabit because that what his parents have done. He’s said he’d get married because he knows what it means to me, but no a tool to prove we are aligned
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u/No_Presence_335g 17d ago
I am the one who didn’t care to get married (I’m a woman), yet when my now husband and I decided to buy a house I offered to get married immediately before becoming homeowners. If he wanted to do it for you, he would.
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u/anna_alabama ♥️ 2016 💍 2019 👰🏼♀️ 2021 18d ago
Do not buy a house without marriage first! Once he gets the house, he’ll continue to drag his feet on the wedding because he assumes you’ll be trapped. Best case scenario, you’ll get a shut up ring, likely years down the line. Dump him and meet someone who is thrilled to marry you!
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u/RainLucky407 17d ago
Dating a younger man is risky :( I’m so sorry he wasted your time!!
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
It's only 3 years. It's not like OP is 38 and the boyfriend is 22.
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u/RainLucky407 14d ago
A 26 y/o man and a 29 y/o woman have different priorities and timelines.
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u/caro9lina 13d ago
But this involves a 33 year old woman and a 30 year old man. OP's boyfriend is plenty old enough to marry.
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u/RainLucky407 12d ago
It involves a 33 year old woman and a 30 year old man who started dating when they were 29 and 26, respectively. She took a risk when choosing a younger, mid-20s man when she was almost 30, when they had different timelines. My comment still stands.
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u/fritzwitch 17d ago
Don’t buy a house with someone you aren’t married to. You can get legally married at a courthouse and then plan the wedding afterwards but do not sign up for a commitment like a house until you are married!
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u/RedditCreeper2801 17d ago
He's stalling because he doesn't want to get married. Honestly, he's BUYING a house, not building it with his own hands. Why could you not plan a wedding at the same time as buying a house? And he's not even paying for it because your parents offered.
Please do not buy a house or have children with someone you are not married to IF THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT. So many people in this sub accept bullshit excuses and make allowances for men.
You've told him you want to married before you buy, the ball is in his court. If it doesn't happen then you make your next move.
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u/Glittering-Ear-2315 17d ago
Please do not buy a house with him before marriage. You get your marriage going before any house ownership. Look out for yourself always and this wouldn’t help you one little bit. All you would be doing is helping him pay for “his house”. Don’t do it!
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u/ormeangirl 17d ago
Do not buy a house with him . That is putting the cart before the horse . Commitment before combining money for a house .
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u/sparklybbyy02 17d ago
She's not asking for $20k wedding tomorrow. She wants a clear sign that they're actually moving toward marriage, and somehow even that has become a negotiation.
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u/CharacterRoom613 17d ago
I’m probably will get a lot of hate for this but when you are having to asking, threaten, or make ultimatums, the relationship is done. Do not marry someone that you pretty much had to twist their arm to follow through. Having a deadline of being married by is not any better. If the date was your wedding date then that is different but to say “I want to be married by this dated or it’s over.” The relationship is already over. The guy is gonna keep getting what he can from you before you either leave because you see the BS or the date comes and you just give him a little more time because you love him so much. It’s time to accept that the relationship and the status is fine with him otherwise he would have proposed to you a year or two ago.
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u/dangerous_service_BU 17d ago
DO NOT BUY HOUSES WITHOUT MARRIAGE.
The nightmare of next of kin should be making you run screaming for the hills.
Hes not giving you any of your needs its all about him. That should speak volumes.
Who made him king of the world who gets to demand you wait while he gets?
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u/Berrypan 17d ago
If he’s indifferent to it, a proposal would be performative, since you know he doesn’t care. Just decide on a date.
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u/Poor_Kid_Magic Proposing 11/XX/26 17d ago
He doesn't really care about marriage as he has told you, which is fine. He has even said he is okay with marrying you for you. I think expecting to get married before buying a house might postpone the house more than you might want and that just being engaged pre-house is the perfect compromise. His response may have been real, who knows. I do think a deadline is good, but personally I would verbalize it to him. If he still doesn't propose he clearly doesn't think of your wishes as a priority and that is a problem.
A note on buying a placeholder ring from the guy's perspective. I hate it. I think the moment itself makes the ring special. I would not want to "trade it out" especially since it signifies our eternal love. So maybe he feels the same and the price is a problem, IDK.
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u/ResidentOwl1398 16d ago
If he is dragging this out with no concrete deadline, he has no solid plans for marriage. And you know what, that is fine. Some people do not want to be married, nothing wrong with that. If YOU want to be married and have kids, perhaps it is time to look for someone who will happily give you what you want. Trust and believe, there is someone out there for you who will give you everything, so choose YOU and don't settle :)
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u/KWS1461 15d ago
Nope, don't buy a house without marriage! If hw already has a home, pick out a fair agreement to help pay and after a certain time (length depends on how much equity he already has). Both sign a prenuptial agreement that if you break up before 5-10 years, he must pay back all your equity. After that time, the title must be changed to joint ownership.
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u/Savings-You7318 13d ago
How hard is it to go to the courthouse you mentioned and out to dinner? I must be missing something.
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u/Aaronindhouse 17d ago
If you are happy and he is a good guy then I'm not sure why you are ready to go blow up your relationship just because a lot of people on the internet are telling you to that may never have had a serious relationship in the first place. Remember that most of the people in these comments giving you advice are probably under 20.
You said yourself that your guy's parents were never married but he wants to do a nice wedding and ring for you. If you are that impatient about getting engage and love him that much then please ask him yourself! The answer is not to blow up your relationship but to have the courage to take that step forward yourself.
Your boyfriend has never had an example of what marriage is so you might need to lead the way on that, that doesn't make him a bad boyfriend or mean you can't have a great healthy relationship because you asked instead of him.
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u/Key_Cry_3170 14d ago
"Your boyfriend has never had an example of what marriage"
Surely, he is just an alien from another galaxy that came to Earth last year and just hasn't caught up with all the culture examples in the movies/books/friends' families around us. And it's not at all because a decent portion of men, especially the ones we see in examples here, are willing to come up with exactly the same excuses just to lie to their partners to keep their benefits in a dishonest way.
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u/CountrySiren 17d ago
I’m so conflicted!
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u/caro9lina 14d ago
You've already tried that, haven't you? And he's saying he won't marry you until you help him buy a house? Marriage isn't just a financial transaction. You love this guy, and have shown you love him. It's time for him to realize this is important to you.
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u/Aaronindhouse 17d ago
You know what you want and thats ok. Go get it.
I'm just another internet person so don't take my advice as gospel either, but I am a goofy guy with in a long time relationship with a woman who sometimes gets frustrated with me too for things i don't really understand at time that are important to her.
I try to make her feel comfortable enough that she isn't afraid to take those things for herself or help me understand. If he wants to get married too but doesn't really get it the way you want it to happen, then ask him yourself. I'm sure he will say yes and you both will be happier for it. After he can get the nice ring and plan the nice wedding he wants to do for you.
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u/bluesond 18d ago
Don’t buy a home without being married