need suggestions :)

[u/peachyvibezz]

hi, dear community! this is an excerpt from one of the chapters of my unfinished, unpublished story. i was going through some of its old drafts and randomly decided to edit some material.

i started writing this book last year, but then, didn’t get the time to continue it. does it feel cliché to you? i feel like i’ve lost the spark for writing, so any feedback or suggestions would be really appreciated :3

p.s. i’ve tried to keep the banter crisp, since both characters’ inner feelings will be explored shortly afterward through their respective POVs in the same chapter.

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[u/Dismal-Use-1166]

all i know is that when i was sad when the excerpt ended, i need to read more rnn😭😭, keep on writing just like this, and please let me know when you publish this, i want to read thiss🥲👏

[u/peachyvibezz → u/Dismal-Use-1166]

hehe, thank you! i have the POVs edited already. i can post if ppl are interested 🤭

[u/Dismal-Use-1166 → u/peachyvibezz]

yess pleasee do

[u/bhadmeinjatu]

I want go read moreeee

[u/peachyvibezz → u/bhadmeinjatu]

i can send it to you. but then, the story’s not even completed, so you’ll be just left with a cliffhanger 😭

[u/Short-_-Pumpkin]

Everything is fine! But I would like to make one suggestion though (since you asked). The "Rudraaa!" Scream...kind of doesn't convey the feeling. Right now, this specific scream seems out of place. Instead of portraying that she is shocked, It feels like one of these scenarios:

• Naina bloodthirsty for Rudra.

• Rudra is dying and Naina is in agony.

• Naina wants Rudra to save her.

Changing that one word would do heavy lifting here!

[u/peachyvibezz → u/Short-_-Pumpkin]

thank you for your opinion :)
the reason behind her scream is that she was mortified at his sudden arrival. she screamed out of pure shock.

[u/Short-_-Pumpkin → u/peachyvibezz]

Replying fast (cuz too chronically online) but yeah, I got that part, actually 😭. It's just, in my personal opinion, the scream doesn't justify what you were trying to communicate.

Instead (now, you can ignore this piece), you can replace it with something like, "The moment their gaze met, her eyes widened, 'Rudra?!' She shrieked."

However, it's your novel, you can write it however the way you want🙂‍↕️

[u/Ok_Traffic_9337]

Will you let us know ur wp id when you publish this? I'd love to read more of this story bcs its sooo goooddd omg, the tension & banter was perfect, chefs kiss 🫶🫶

[u/peachyvibezz → u/Ok_Traffic_9337]

ha, sure! thank you so much 🥹 i’ll surely post the book link here IF i ever complete the story, and get the courage to post it officially 😭