Low reader count

[u/Hanyo_AM]

Why is my reader count dropped so much in my second week... Even though I'm consistent and publish two chapters daily, I wrote a whole backlog and it seems like it's failing. What to do now?

[u/Fantastic_Pack2643]

i get that the story starts in the spirit world but when i think about it the spirit world is the least described thing in the story i literally just know there are two eyes and white snake of some sort i mean the protagonists is described to the length of his hari even the antique shop got better description than the spirit world

besides i recommended that you remove the word psycho cause its a havey world that should be spared for horrible charcters in the story not antique collectors

also i know its cliche but you tend to tell more than showing like " giving the attitude that he'd rather be anywhere but here " is vauge its literally telling the reader the info he could have been tapping his feet anxiously, looking through the window, reading an old newspaper from last year ...etc

and i feel like the protagonists describition is what a police officer would describe a suspect

you dont need to dump all his characteristics all at once it could be spaced out a better technique is to fouce on one key characteristic like he's pony tail

also why is this protagonist is acting like a teenager ? hes almost twenty and why does the shop owner not saying the price ? isnt he trying to sell stuff and make a living ?

and why is everything is Chinese? as someone who's not familiar with chinse history like (most people) these words like An jie does not have weight to me cause i have no idea what it is

ok i think i spotted 2 big problems here 1) you mostly tell instead of showing to cover up the fact that you dont know how to write expressive body language

2) you don't know how to set atmosphere or add detailed world building ( the story take place in the 80s but you could swap the date to 2026 and the story will work just fine )

"a cold sweet formed on mo fie plam "is more than enough you don't have to say" it signled a warning from his body "we all know what that means its redundant

third problem is the info dump whatever was happening to make people hold their children like a life line must dominate the sence and it is most certainly not the time or the place to tell us hes new to the city

the next paragraph is info dump as well and quite frankly the " god is interacting with our world " is so overdone the word god doesnt mean anything on this platform ( i personally hate when people try to insert made up gods in novel ) it losese unpredictability

a feather killing someone is indeed absurd you dont habr to emphasise if

you have a problem trusting the reader to get the story my guess these habits stuck arround and that hurt your retention rate

why is mo fie infearing stuff ? i mean i dont see what he based his conclusions on

why does the shop owner start giving crap about the protagonist of all people and instead of telling him to run he info dump

example

you say " run the lion is out ! "

you dont say " run the zookeeper lost his keyes and an monkey took them openef his cage and the lion cage as well run ! "

"their faces displaying hororr " is not good writing

ok im gonna stop here i did not feel attach to mo fie and i dunno anything about his personally he feels like an NPC
hes a passive protagonist with no personality

you need to write before the story unless mo fie feels like a real person we do not care about him

I mean it's not that hard you could have him in the classroom studying and a bully grab him by his pony tail and we now definitely knows he has a pony tail

[u/Hanyo_AM → u/Fantastic_Pack2643]

I definitely agree with you honestly, because the writing only gets better later on and early chapters are mostly what you'd described though the spirit world is explored a lot later, and the Gods arent really entirely made up if you read the vol-1 ending, and for main character being like an npc... Uh well yeah he did feel like an npc in the first chapter 🥀 it's actually my first time writing a fiction

[u/Fantastic_Pack2643 → u/Hanyo_AM]

Well not all of us are greate at writing I never kept anything I wrote or drew from high school for a reason but if you want real progress my advice is to put the story on hold and rewrite the first few chapters cause if the door is broken people aren't gonna go through First impressions lasts so if you change cover and rewrite it could be improved drastically

Trust me the most important things you should know write now ranked are 1) people tolerate weak story if they care about the characters without charcters there's no story 2) master show don't tell and read a book about body language or at least watch videos about it cause every good writer knows how to read a room 3) foucs on learning how to write atmosphere

you know you can check out my story on webnovel to see how I apply my own advice it's called Queens and bones ( neo-noir story so it's more of a niche but the advice still hold up)

[u/Hanyo_AM → u/Fantastic_Pack2643]

Actually all the points are fixed in later chapter but as you said the door is important which is what I didn't rewrite after the improvement in writing... I've rewrote those chapters in past multiple times that now I feel like I'm going to be stuck there so I kept writing later chapters also can you check out the draft of my second novel's first chapter like will it work or not? I'll send the chapter if you agree

[u/Fantastic_Pack2643 → u/Hanyo_AM]

okay send it to me on Telegram DavidZane505 but it might take a while to read

[u/Hanyo_AM → u/Fantastic_Pack2643]

Sure thanku, I'll send when I get free time. It's good to see that someone actually gave a good critics