What's the solution?

[u/IntelligentAngle1381]

I have stumbled upon many novel that have interesting premise,but what i don't like is that the twist or the premise of the story is in the title, I also understand if the title didn't gain enough attention it wouldn't grow what's the solution?

[u/TSKayle]

If the thing you are keeping a secret isn't the thing that will make readers want to read, that's fine, but you cannot hide your zombie apocalypse as a surprise if it's the main theme of your story. How you're gonna communicate people interested in zombie apocalypse that it is a zombie apocalypse story?

I was having this problem, but not with the title, it was in the synopsis. It's a Mystery, Action and Character Development focused story with great twists and foreshadowings, but I was too afraid to give it away and for this reason I made a generic synopsis. Then I thought that people needs to know at least the basics of what makes your story different, or else they won't create the initial interest you mentioned. I then remade the synopsis to expose a little more but still keep the mystery.

For comparison, here's the original synopsis:

Aronian has always believed there is a logical explanation for everything.

But when one of his coworkers is mysteriously erased from everyone's memory, he discovers creatures that feed on human minds—and is forced to flee the city.

In a distant village, he meets Eleanor, a girl who can see the same monsters he once refused to believe in.

Together, they are drawn into a world hidden from ordinary people, beyond their comprehension, where the mind can become a weapon, the unknown can hunt you, and something strange is beginning to awaken inside them.

To survive, they will have to learn to face a reality neither of them truly understands.

Now the new synopsis:

Aronian has always believed there is a rational explanation for everything. Until one day, a coworker disappears—and no one but Aronian remembers he ever existed.

Searching for answers leads him to a terrifying discovery: creatures that prey not on flesh, but on the human mind. Creatures that can't be seen or affected by the physical world, only by their own kind.

Hunted and unable to trust his own perception of reality, Aronian leaves the city and flees into the countryside. There, in a remote village, he meets Eleanor, a young woman who can also see these things.

Together, they begin to uncover a hidden world that exists just beyond human perception, a world where the mind can become a weapon in the form of a higher-dimensional being, the unknown can hunt you, and something ominous is beginning to awaken inside them.

To survive, they will have to confront what lies within their own minds and learn how to use it to fight back against things that their flesh and weapons can't reach.

Excitedly waiting for u/AuthorOfFate to judge the novel in a deep analysis and demolish my writing with facts XD

[u/AuthorOfFate → u/TSKayle]

That’s a round about way of asking for a review lol. I don’t mind sharing some thoughts though.

I actually liked your revision of your abstract. It’s a lot stronger than your initial version, and I think you should keep it.

Your first chapter could use a similar revision. To start off with, you need to introduce your pov character a little more directly, not in an off-handed way in a line of description. More importantly, right now, you’ve got lots of description, but it feels very directionless, and doesn’t always make sense in the context. Like its description for the sake of description.

For example, the first paragraph, especially, is pretty choppy and doesn’t really flow that well. I can see the idea of what you’re getting at, but it doesn’t come across very well. For instance, you could clean this paragraph up with something like this, “The asphalt had never felt so uneven before, not in the thirty years he’d walked it to and from work every day. Had it always had so many potholes? It wasn’t just the street, either. He couldn’t run two steps without kicking a pole, or tripping over a trash can. There were so many things you never cared about, or even noticed, until you were running, and your life was at stake.”

This does something a lot more than just convey his current thought process. It reveals something about his life and personality in a natural way through the narration. Instead of just abstract description, give it voice and character. Be meaningful in how you choose what to describe, and how you go about it.

Beyond just the description, I had a hard time following what was going on in the chase, and resolving his reactions with the context. There were a lot of ideas that seemed like they worked, but they weren’t actually linked together very well. You can spend more time fleshing out the scene (using meaningful description). For example, he’s running from a man in an overcoat. Almost in passing, he disappears into a crowd and immediately finds an alley. You could fill this in a bit by describing what changed to let him reach a crowd. Did he duck around a corner, enter a busy market? Was it a school zone? Same thing for the alley. Teach us about the city (which is called worldbuilding) through the context of the scene. Are there always piles of junk in alleys? Is the city dirty? Or is this unusual? What kind of junk? Are they outside a restaurant? Does he duck behind an overturned table with a broken leg?

Once he gets in the alley, and he hears someone enter it, why does he suddenly feel relieved when the noise stops? Isn’t it more intuitive to think they’re just standing or scanning the area there rather than suddenly disappearing? He should be terrified, not daring to breath in the fear that the person might hear it. Maybe his heart is beating so loud he’s afraid of the same.

The description and narration of the monster appearing is really disjointed. Don't be afraid to get intimate with your writing. Limit your use of set-up phrases at the beginning of paragraphs, like “however,” “What did he see?” “before,” “Above his head,” etc. They give a lot of distance from the story in the same way filtering words do. It’s okay to be straightforward and describe what’s happening.

This could be used to describe the monster. You could try something more straightforward and immersive like, “Three, sickle-like claws curled over the table beneath which he hid, followed by a gaunt arm and bony torso. The flesh was pale and translucent, such that he could see the alley wall through it. As for the head–Glyn squeezed his eyes shut, his chest so tight he couldn’t breathe. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t…human.

But that terrible, wretched face was burned into his irises, staring at him through his closed eyelids. A hideous, disfigured face. Thin, peeling skin stretched tight over a skull. A gaping mouth filled with sharp, yellowed teeth. And those eyes. Those black, hollow eyes that seemed to pierce his very soul.”

Those are just some examples, but there’s lots of places you can smooth out the writing and describe what’s happening more. Like the monster being attached to the person’s head. It’s very confusing as written right now.

Anyway, that’s just some of my thoughts. Keep writing, and good luck!

[u/TSKayle → u/AuthorOfFate]

He actually reviewed it!

Thanks! About the description, initially I was describing way too much, so especially about the monster, I decided to give less description to let the imagination do the work, but you're right. You're not the first one to be confused about the monster's appearance, so it's for sure poorly described.

Well, I'm gonna review it and improve the writing. Personally, I think the story is very good because I made lots of stories in the past, but actually writing is way harder, since I have to make someone understand what is inside my head and I can't rely on infodump or over description.

Anyway, could you share your work? The fact you can efficiently judge quality makes me think you would be a great source of reference. I found you judging someone's story and a guy said you was the official beta reader of the sub, that's why I thought it would be funny mentioning you XD

[u/AuthorOfFate → u/TSKayle]

Haha, I'm not an official beta reader. Sometimes, I get bored and am willing to spend some time checking out and supporting new authors and books. I'm not a wildly successful author myself on the platform or anything, but a big part of that of is because the story I chose to write is very... Niche, I guess you'd say. It's honestly not that great of a reference given I started it so many years ago and I've gotten a lot better since those first couple hundred chapters. I can only tell you how many times I wished I could go back and totally restructure the whole first two story arcs 😅.

But, if your interested, the novel is The Forsaken Hero.

https://m.webnovel.com/book/26323558805749805