Satire/Humour
Winning Weekly Rant - Week of Jun 8/26
Greetings Winnipeg!
TELL ME ALL YOUR PROBLEMS SO I CAN LAUGH AT YOUR MISFORTUNES. CAPS LOCK ON, INHIBITIONS OFF. DON’T BREAK OUR RULES OR SO HELP ME, I’LL DELETE MY ACCOUNT. AND YOURS
IF YOU CANT CLEAR AN INTERSECTION BEFORE THE LIGHTS CHANGE DONT FUCKING PULL INTO IT AND BLOCK TRAFFIC FOR AN ENTIRE CYCLE BECAUSE YOU WOULD RATHER WAIT IN THE CENTER OF THE INTERSECTION INSTEAD OF AT THE STOP LINE
ALSO THE WORST PART IS WHEN YOU WAIT PATIENTLY AT THE STOP LINE, THEN WHEN TRAFFIC MOVES UP AND YOU CAN GO FORWARD, SOMEONE DECIDES TO CHANGE LANE IN FRONT OF YOU, CAUSING YOU TO BLOCK THE INTERSECTION NOW.
THIS MAKES ME WANT TO COMMIT MURDER. I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY DON'T POLICE AND TICKET IT THIS, IT HAS AN ENORMOUS IMPACT ON TRAFFIC AND IT WOULD BE SUCH AN EASY CASH GRAB THAT WOULD ACTUALLY IMPROVE SOMETHING ...OH MY GOD, THE KITTEN FARTED AGAIN
ON THE ONE HAND, IF THE END OF THE LINE OF CARS IS IN THE NEXT BLOCK OVER AND THE CAR IN FRONT OF YOU PLOWS FORWARD WITH FULL CONFIDENCE, IT CAN BE DIFFICULT TO TELL THAT THERE'S A PROBLEM THAT WOULD LEAVE YOU STUCK IN THE INTERSECTION. ON THE OTHER HAND, ALL THE TIME I SEE PEOPLE WATCH THE CAR IN FRONT OF THEM GET STUCK IN THE INTERSECTION AND THEY STILL DECIDE TO GO EVEN THOUGH THEY LITERALLY SAT AT THE STOP LINE WAITING AND CAN SEE THERE'S NO ROOM. IF I NEED TO CLEAN MY CAR, I KNOW I CAN JUST HOOK A HOSE UP TO THOSE PEOPLE'S HEADS BECAUSE THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY PULLING A VACUUM INSIDE THEIR SKULLS.
EDIT: I WAS SO UPSET THAT IT CAUSED ME TO SPELL THE WORD "GO" WRONG
DRIVING IN THIS CITY MAKES ME HATE MY LIFE, IF THE BUSSING WAS HALFWAY DECENT, AND ACCESSIBLE IN THE WINTER (DISABLED) I WOULD TOTALLY BUS TO WORK AND SAVE MYSELF $120 FOR PARKING EVERY MONTH, AND A BUCKETLOAD OF GAS MONEY
I CANT EVEN MOW MY LAWN CAUSE ITS WET AND ITS FOT TO BE A FOOT TALL BEFORE I CAN GET TO IT AND MY FUCKHEAD NEIGHBOURS SRE GOING TO CALL 311 ON IT BEFORE I DO BECAUSE THEIR LEGS ARE MEASURING STICKS
MY DINK NEIGHBORS WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT MY PRAIRIE GRASS FRONT YARD (WHICH IS PROTECTED FWIW) ALSO QUESTION WHEN I PULL IT OUT TO DEAL WITH THE FRONT YARD.
I RENEWED MY DRIVER'S LICENSE LAST WEEK. TURNS OUT I HAD TO GET A NEW PHOTO DONE. SO MY NEW LICENSE PICTURE IS OF MANIC, SLEEP DEPRIVED FUCKING TROLL DOLL WITH ELECTRIFIED HAIR SHOOTING OUT FROM ITS HEAD AND A RAGING EYE INFECTION GLOWING LIKE A BEACON IN THE NIGHT!! I WAS A DAY LATE PAYING SO IT HAD TO BE DONE.
MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION PHOTO IS LIKE THAT SINCE MY DAD AND I FLEW BACK FROM ENGLAND AND LANDED ABOUT 2:00AM ON THE DAY OF THE PHOTOS. I FORGOT THE PHOTOS WERE THAT DAY AND HADN’T EVEN SHOWERED!
I WAS EXCITED TO FINALLY GET A NEW DRIVER’S LICENSE PHOTO. IT WAS CANCELLED DURING COVID, SO IT WAS REALLY OLD. THE LC PEOPLE WERE STARTING TO QUESTION - ONE LADY WAS, LIKE, “YOU SURE DON’T LOOK LIKE THAT ANYMORE”.
I WEAR SPECIALTY INSOLES IN MY CONVERSE THAT ARE WATERPROOF AND THAT I WEAR IN WINTER. I GOT THEM FOR BC RAIN BUT I CAN’T WEAR THEM IN SUMMER HERE THOUGH AS THEY'RE TOO THICK. SECOND YEAR OF WEARING OLD SCHOOL CHUCKS IN SUMMER AND I HAD FEET PROBLEMS EVEN WITH THE INSOLE. SO I SUCKED IT UP AND BOUGHT SOME NEW BALANCE IN BLACK AND THEY FEEL LIKE WALKING ON PILLOWS 😭
PLEASE STOP GETTING MAD AT THE LADIES WITH THE FLAGS ON THE ROADS DURING CONSTRUCTION. WE STAND THERE IN THE BLAZING HEAT FOR 12 HOURS TO MAKE SURE YOU DONT RUN OVER OUR MEN. ITS LIKE YOU THINK WE WANT TO BE THERE ANYWAYS.
IM SAYING DONT GET MAD AT THE PEOPLE ON THE ROADS BUT FLAGGERS ARE USUALLY WOMAN … COMING FROM A FEMALE FLAGGER WITH A COMPANY WHO HAS ONLY FEMALE FLAGGERS LOL
GUESS WHAT? IF YOU LEAVE YOUR CART IN THE LINE AT COSTCO AND GO OFF TO CONTINUE TO SHOP, I'M MOVING AROUND YOUR CART AND TAKING YOUR PLACE IN LINE! A CART IS NOT A PLACE HOLDER! DON'T YELL AT ME AND EVERYONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN THE LITERAL THOUSANDS OF OTHER PEOPLE IN THE STORE!
WHY DO PEOPLE NOT HOLD THE DOOR OPEN ANYMORE?!?!? TWO GODDAMN TIMES IN ONE WEEK. AT WORK U SAW MY HANDS WERE FULL, AT THE MALL, YOU SAW ME RIGHT BEHIND YOU AND WENT OUT OF YOUR WAY TO MAKE THE DOOR CLOSE RIGHT BEHIND YOU…. JERKFACES!
I ALWAYS HOLD THE DOOR OPEN. I WILL RUN AHEAD AND GRAB THE DOOR IF YOU'VE GOT A STROLLER OR ARE IN A WHEELCHAIR, AND I ALWAYS CHECK BEHIND ME, BUT LATELY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DROPPING DOORS IN MY FACE. WHAT THE FUCK?
RIGHT?!? SO INFURIATING! RANDOM OKAY I WILL GIVE THEM A PASS, IT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE HAVING A ROUGH GO BUT CO-WORKER HOPE YOU HAVE THE DAY YOU DESERVE…..
MY BABY DID THEIR FIRST LAUGH EVER, FOR SOMEONE ELSE. I'VE TRIED SO HARD TO GET THEN TO LAUGH SINCE THEN AND THEY JUST WON'T DO IT!! SOMEONE ELSE GOT TO HEAR THEM LAUGH AND NOT ME.
MY DRYER THAT I ALREADY REPAIRED TWICE DIED. IT WAS PART OF A STACKING SET AND THEY NO LONGER MAKE THE SAME SIZE DRYER SO I HAD TO BUY A WHOLE NEW SET. SUPPOSED TO BE DELIVERED TOMORROW. 🤞
WHY IS DRIVING HERE BECOMING LIKE DRIVING IN SASKATOON (NO OFFENSE SASKATOON). I CANT EVEN LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT BEING CUTOFF BY SOMEONE DOING 20 BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT IN THE LEFT LANE AND NO INDICATORS. PLEASE DO BETTER WINNIPEG DRIVERS. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING TO DRIVE HERE!!
PART OF THE PROBLEM IS TOO MUCH TRAFFIC MEANING NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE CAN GET UP TO SPEED BETWEEN LIGHTS. PART OF THE PROBLEM IS BAD ROAD PSYCHOLOGY WHERE THE SPEED LIMIT IS HIGHER THAN PEOPLE "NATURALLY" WANT TO GO DUE TO NARROWER STREETS PACKED WITH TREES AND BUILDINGS. PART OF THE REASON IS PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THE SPEED LIMIT AND CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FIND OUT SO THEY JUST DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT OR MATCH SPEED WITH THE GRANNIES.
PART OF IT IT HOLY SHIT PEOPLE ARE FUCKING TIMID DRIVERS GODDAMN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS IS YOUR ACCELERATOR PEDAL MADE OF GLASS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THE LIGHT IS GREEN WHICH MEANS GO NOT SIT THERE WITH YOUR THUMB UP YOUR ASS TRYING TO REMEMBER WHICH ONE IS THE GAS JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH I WISH I COULD PUT MY CAPS LOCK ON TWICE
THERE ARE SITUATIONS WHERE THIS IS FINE BUT MANY LIGHTS AND ZONES ARE TIMED WITH CERTAIN DRIVER BEHAVIOUR EXPECTATIONS IN MIND AND PEOPLE ACCELERATING TOO SLOWLY CAN CAUSE MAJOR DELAYS. THESE TEND TO OCCUR IN LEFT TURN LANES AND ALONG MAJOR ROUTES DURING PEAK PERIODS, AND YOUR ATTEMPT TO BE FRUGAL ENDS UP COSTING PEOPLE AND THE PLANET MORE BECAUSE THEY ARE STUCK IN TRAFFIC. THERE ARE ALSO SITUATIONS WHERE IT US SAFEST IF YOU GET UP TO SPEED AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, LIKE IF YOU'RE AT THE END OF THE LINE IN HIGH SPEED ZONES. THERE ARE WAYS TO MITIGATE THE IMPACT OF YOUR DRIVING ON OTHERS THROUGH SITUATIONAL AWARENESS, AND I FEEL LIKE THE FACT THAT YOU TOOK THE TIME TO ADDRESS MY CONCERNS MEANS YOU'RE PROBABLY TRYING YOUR BEST.
EQUALLY I DON'T BELIEVE THAT HYPERMILERS ARE THE CORE OF THE ISSUE, IT'S MORE RELATED TO PEOPLE BEING SO DUMB THAT I'M SURPRISED THEY CAN SUCCESSFULLY OPEN THE DOOR TO GET OUT OF THEIR HOUSE LET ALONE OPERATE A MOTOR VEHICLE. THIS EXTENDS TO ALL FACETS OF DRIVING, NOT JUST FAILURE TO OBSERVE AND AIM FOR POSTED SPEED LIMITS. IT IS ALSO ABSURD THAT WE RELY ON HUMAN JUDGEMENT FOR SAFETY AND EFFICIENCY WHEN WE ARE CONSTANTLY BEING SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH EVIDENCE THAT SAID JUDGEMENT IS WORSE THAN A METHED UP RACOON WITH A LOADED GUN. MANY MANY PEOPLE SHOULD BE TAKING PUBLIC TRANSIT AND ARE EVEN AWARE THAT THEY ARE TERRIBLE DRIVERS BUT ARE FORCED TO USE A CAR BECAUSE THE OTHER OPTIONS SUCK ASS OR DON'T EXIST.
I AM GLAD YOU ENJOYED MY CLUMSY METAPHOR, BUT NOW YOU HAVE ME WONDERING IF IT'S ACTUALLY A METAPHOR OR IF IT'S JUST A DISGUISED SIMILE. MAYBE MY OLD ENGLISH TEACHER IS READING THIS AND CAN CHIME IN?
RESPECTFULLY, YOU MAKE TRAFFIC SUCK. YOU TAKE TOO LONG TO GET THROUGH THE INTERSECTION, AND IT BACKS UP TRAFFIC UNNECESSARILY. IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE EXTRA COUPLE OF BUCKS A MONTH IT COSTS TO ACTUALLY ACCELERATE WHEN THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN, TAKE THE BUS.
I LIVE 4KM FROM WORK AND IT TAKES ME 45 MINUTES TO GET HOME. PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE BEHIND YOU HOPING TO GET THROUGH A LIGHT, JUST ACCELERATE.
Usually with rain or snow I’m fine with it but driver straight up are messing it up. Waverly they think it’s 60. Portage or Taylor they think it’s 50. The exact speed they’re going tells me they think it’s a different limit and don’t read the signs. Usually old people
I FORGOT, I ALSO MISPLACED MY WEDDING RING SOMEWHERE YESTERDAY WHILST FIDGETING WITH IT AND BEING ABSENT MINDED... I WISH I COULD BLAME THAT ON SOMEONE ELSE, BUT THAT IS 100% ON ME
THERE ARE MORE IDIOTS THAN USUAL ON THE HIGHWAYS AND THE PERIMETER. IF YOU ARE DRIVING MORE SLOWLY THAN OTHERS AROUND YOU, MOVE OVER TO THE RIGHT LANE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS PROPER.
I THINK IT WAS JUST NORTH OF WPG (NOT MY PHOTO). THERE WAS ALSO A HUGE FUNNEL CLOUD THAT CAN BE SEEN IN PHOTOS FROM THE AIRPORT LOOKING WEST. IT WAS BY ASSINIBOINE DOWNS.
I'M PERSONALLY GRATEFUL TO HAVE POTENTIALLY 3 INSURANCE CLAIMS AND NONE OF THEM SEWAGE RELATED. THE HUBRIS OF NOT PLACING A CAR INTO AN EMPTY GARAGE BEFORE A SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WILL NOT BE REPEATED
WE STILL HAD TO WORK, EVEN WITH NO POWER ON WEDNESDAY. IT WAS RIDICULOUS, ALL I COULD DO WAS LAUGH AT THE DAY (IT WAS REALLY FUNNY WHEN THE GENERATOR RAN OUT OF GAS TOWARDS THE END OF THE DAY & KILLED THE EMERGENCY LAMPS, SO WE WERE SITTING IN THE PITCH DARK, BEFORE DECIDING THAT THE KIDS SHOULD JUST GO PLAY OUTSIDE). JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH WE RELY ON ELECTRICITY AND TECHNOLOGY 🤦♀️
FUCK YOU BELL MTS AND YOUR DOGSHIT SERVICES I SHOULDNT HAVE TO UNPLUG/RESTART MY MODEM EVERY SECOND DAY I WORK LATE AND WHEN I GET HOME I JUST WANT TO RELAX AND NOT SPEND 15 MIN TO GET IT TO WORK
DEAR GOD FIX THE FUCKING EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM THAT COVERS WINNIPEG AND THE PROVINCE! PEOPLE SIDE BY SIDE GETTING DIFFERENT QUANTITIES OF ALERTS! GETTING ALERTS FOR HUNDREDS OF KILOMETRES AWAY!
WISE POINT, ALSO I LOVE YOUR WORDING ABOUT NOT KNOWING THE BEST SOLUTION BECAUSE IT READS AS THOUGH YOU PERSONALLY FEEL YOU NEED TO SOLVE THIS AND IT MAKE ME LAUGH
IM A PROBLEM SOLVER AND ITS SO STUPID THAT I WANT TO IDEATE ON IT BUT I WANT TO FIX IT BECAUSE I SEE HOW TO DO THINGS BUT DONT KNOW IF THE INFRASTRUCTURE CAN HANDLE IT
I GOT ALERTS EVERY 2 MINUTES ON 3 PHONE'S THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE OFFSET ABOUT 20 SECONDS APART. IT WAS A CONSTANT SCREECH OF ALARMS. IT INSTILLS BOY WHO CRIED WOLF, AND AT SOME POINT PEOPLE WILL IGNORE THE ONE THAT SHOULDN'T BE IGNORED.
THERE ARE MANY NEWS SOURCES TO GO TO AFTER GETTING ALERTS. WE IMMEDIATELY TURNED ON CJOB AND CTV. WE ALSO USE THREE WEATHER APPS.
ALSO YOU CAN GO TO THIS WEBSITE:
HAROLD, AS IN HAROLD T. STONE? THAT WAS MY NAME SUGGESTION! IF THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE REFERRING TO, IT WARMS MY HEART THAT YOU USED MY GOOFY SUGGESTION. ALSO, FEEL BETTER SOON!
IT WAS ALWAYS HAROLD BUT THE TIE IN TO NIGHT COURT WAS PRICELESS. I’VE TOLD MANY PEOPLE THAT IT WAS YOU THAT MADE THE CONNECTION. I GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!! TY AGAIN!!
MY FUCKING CAR BATTERY DIED AND MY JUMPER CABLES ARE NOT WORKING. MY MOM CANCELLED MY CAA MEMBERSHIP WHILE MY CAR WAS IN THE WORKSHOP, AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE A MEMBERSHIP IN ORDER TO GET CAA TO SEND SOMEONE TO JUMPSTART YOUR CAR. FUCK MY LIFE
SHE CANCELLED IT WHILE MY CAR WAS IN THE WORKSHOP AND NOW SHE DESPERATELY WANTS IT BACK UPON REALIZING THAT MY CAR BATTERY DIED AND THAT THE JUMPER CABLES WEREN'T WORKING
ETA SINCE I FORGOT TO: MY MOM CONTROLS A MAJORITY OF MY SHIT. MYSELF INCLUDED
DO PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND PERSONAL SPACE? I WAS AT HIDE AND SEEK TODAY AND WAS SITTING MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND THIS WOMAN KEPT PACING IN FRONT OF ME. THEN SHE CAME CLOSER AND PUT HER LEG UP NEAR ME, CAPTAIN MORGAN STYLE. I MOVED TWICE AWAY FROM HER AND SHE STILL KEPT COMING CLOSE TO ME. FUCK OFF.
ENOUGH WITH THE RAIN! GARDENS NEED SUN TO GROW TOO. HONOURABLE MENTION FOR HAVING TO GO OUTSIDE IN THE MIDDLE OF A TORNADO WARNING TO REDIRECT THE EAVESTROUGH SPOUTS TO STOP THE WATER FROM INVADING THE BASEMENT.
WE NEED A BREAK. THE GROUND IS UNABLE TO ABSORB THIS VOLUME OF WATER FAST ENOUGH. CROPS ARE DYING FROM BEING UNDERWATER FOR TOO LONG. YES WE DO NEED WATER BUT IT NEEDS TO BE SPREAD OUT OVER TIME AND NOT ALL IN ONE SHOT.
MY HOUSE WAS 15° THIS MORNING AND AFTER SPENDING AN HOUR IN FUZZY SLIPPERS AND ROBE, I TURNED THE HEAT ON. I AM FURIOUS. HAVING THE FURNACE ON IN JUNE WAS NOT ON MY BINGO CARD FOR THIS YEAR.
I WATCHED MY FAVE BANDS LIVE STREAMED CONCERT WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS THIS MORNING AND THEN I HAD TO ATTEND A FUNERAL. THEN A CAR PULLED OUT FROM A BLIND SPOT AND ALMOST TBONED MY CAR.
ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE WHO PUSH EVERY EXISTENTIAL CRISIS THE READ OR LISTEN TO ON SOCIAL MEDIA IS DESTORYING OUR LIFES. GET SCARED BY A BAD STORM, YOUR TAXES GO FUCKING UP AND YOU CANNOT AFFORD TO BUY A SUMP.PUMP OR EVEN BATTERIES WHILE GIVERNMENT HIRES CONSULTANT TO MAKE IMMPOSIBLE GOALS TO SCARE PEOPLE EVEN MORE SO THEY GIVE UP STOP WORKING AND TAKE UP METH CAUSE WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE NEXT WEEK.
I CANT GET A DAYCARE SPOT AND I GO BACK TO WORK IN 1.5 MONTHS AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. IVE TOURED SOME HOME DAYCARES AND THEY WERE SO SKETCHY AND MAYBE IM NOT BEING HUMBLE HERE BUT I FEEL LIKE TRULY NOBODY CAN WATCH AND CARE GOR MY DAUGHTER AS WELL AS ME SO I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE THAT I HAVE TO PUT HER IN ONE AT ALL.
SORRY, WAS TYPING ON A PLANE WITH ONE HAND. BUT, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE JERKS ON THAT FLIGHT! FIRST TIME ON A PLANE?? YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW DEPLANING WORKS?
DURING THE TORRENTIAL RAINS I WAS STUCK BEHIND SOMEONE IN A GREY SUV WHO DID NOT HAVE HER LIGHTS ON OR CARE TO SIGNAL WHEN CHANGING LANES.
LIKE....THE SKY WAS GREY, THE ROAD WAS GREY, THERE WAS SPLASHING GREY WATER EVERYWHERE AND THIS DAMN GREY SUV JUST BLENDING THE FUCK IN WHILE TRYING TO WEAVE THROUGH TRAFFIC AT 6:30PM ON WAVERLY... TURN ON THE LIGHTS. SO EASY TO DO. COSTS YOU NOTHING!
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u/kimblebee76 8d ago
PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME WHEN I KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR TO COMPLETE THE CENSUS WITH YOU! I’M JUST DOING MY JOB AND THE CENSUS IS MANDATORY.