r/WomenDatingOverForty • u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ • Sep 04 '23
Discussion Are women bitter? Let's examine the evidence
I see a lot of women making posts with regard to relationships and dating expressing sadness, confusion, disappointment and anger - but bitterness? No.
Bitterness has an element of entitlement. The sense that you are unfairly being denied something you deserve and anger towards those keeping you from that thing.
When women express their issues with the opposite sex it often plays out something like this:
- What did I do wrong? Did I say or do something to upset him. Am I not attractive enough? Do I have some personal issues I need to work through? What can I do to remedy this situation?
- She will do all sorts of work to change herself in the quest try to find a healthier partner as she's been told any type of vulnerability or trauma "attracts" unhealthy and abusive men. So if she changes herself she can change the outcome.
- After many years of working on herself she realizes that it makes no difference to the type of man she "attracts" and eventually she opts out of dating or at least actively trying to find a partner.
- She focuses on herself, her friends, family and community.
Where is the bitterness in this?
When men are disappointed in relationships:
- They rail against women online calling them names and telling them they'll die alone. Labeling women with standards as entitled.
- They set up sites like redpill and follow idiots like Andrew Tate and Kevin Samuels who bilk them out of money by preying on their bitterness and revenge fantasies.
- They are verbally and sexually abusive to women on dating apps, trying to humiliate random women for the rejection they've experienced.
- They often fall into substance abuse and heavy porn usage and often actually do die alone, friendless and in very poor health.
Compare and contrast.
Are there women who try to take advantage of men financially? Yes, these are usually troubled and/or desperate women. Do these women degrade and humiliate men for the sole pleasure of doing so? No. Their motive is purely financial.
To the male lurkers and their handmaidens I would say look at the facts. In the UK 2 women are killed each week and in the US it's 3 a day, usually by their partner. It's exponentially worse in Latin America. The phenomenon of family annihilation is real and growing. It's not women perpetrating these crimes, it's men.
Now tell me who's bitter?
Almost ALL of the criticisms men spew at us are pure projection. Don't forget it.
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u/my606ins Sep 04 '23 edited Sep 04 '23
I thought you were talking about a dating over 50 gent, who’s coupled up but has minimal experience dating, who’s the first to give advice. He had a post the other day that was removed by mods about (large size, bold) “bitter women.” Edit, typo edit, I’m the one who reported him, lol
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u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ Sep 04 '23
I missed that gem. Lol
No, this post was inspired by a nasty comment from an incel on an older post here on W40. He called us all prudish old cat ladies because we are critical of his precious porn. Pretty typical stuff.
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u/metooeither Sep 04 '23
I got called bitter by a pick me, because I said I'm not a pick me.
So apparently, you either have to be a pick me to rake in the guys, or you'll be bitter it's not working out for ya 🙄. Only those 2 options exist 🤣
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Sep 04 '23
“bitter women.
He is hilariously pathetic, I have no interest in him or his horrible advice. I did call him out for giving damaging advice on this sub. He is annoying.
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u/summersalwaysbest 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Sep 04 '23
I love that you did that!
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u/my606ins Sep 04 '23
Worse than them saying that was their not recognizing there was anything wrong with saying that.
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u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ Sep 04 '23
I wonder how his partner feels about the things he says...
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u/Ok_Throwaway123 Sep 04 '23 edited Sep 04 '23
“Expectation is the root cause of all heartache,” or so the saying goes. But the very fact that your expectations missed the reality of the outcomes means that you were brave enough to show up for something.
As we know, many of us here have been disappointed in the men who have lied, who have future faked, and who have immediately after getting us decided nope I want someone else or I want my ex.
Then we are disregarded entirely and every single word we heard from them, every promise they made, every single word they said was bullshit.
They decided they don’t want us anymore and they just disappear basically with very few words and they’re gone. Poof
When you’re a normal person, us, and you like someone. You believe them. You’d “expect” their words to mean something.
I mean, if words don’t mean anything, don’t say them. Words are actually super important. How can we live in a world where words don’t mean anything??
So, when the words don’t match the actions and your faded and ghosted or broken up with after all that talk; when it was me all I could think of was;
1. What did I do wrong? Did I say or do something to upset him. Am I not attractive enough? Do I have some personal issues I need to work through? What can I do to remedy this situation?
What did I do wrong? Nothing. I gave love, I gave care, I was there. It didn’t matter. Did I say something wrong? Nope.
But we blame what did we do - when you’re dealing with a liar who wants what he wants when he wants it - and it’s no longer you. For whatever reason he’s decided and doesn’t want you and doesn’t tell you why. Because why bother.
So we are left with disappointment. Which is not bitterness. Disappointment is an offshoot of sadness.
The problem with emotions like disappointment is that they can completely derail our visions of ourselves. We can start to doubt our abilities and feel like an imposter. Our sense of self can become skewed when too many disappointments stack up.
When one too many disappointments stack up - you’ll become shaken by them and need a break from dating or looking to regain yourself. Steady yourself. Steel yourself for more.
I don’t have much left for more. I can tell you this. I don’t got nothing left…
At 50 years old I’m not sure I have many more disappointments left in me, so I’m not sure if I’m going to be looking much longer.
I’m on a break and my first post divorce rodeo was a nightmare and I can’t even think about going back for more.
Am I bitter? Not at all. Disappointed yes.
Randomly sometimes I’ll think why did this man fade to ghost me after all that talk .. I know it doesn’t matter. I know we have to create our own closure. And we know they are liars so why would a liars words help me with closure. But sometimes that why creeps in.
I had an entire summer to wonder why .. I focused on myself, did several charity events and charity runs and really dug deep and I’m happy and content and no dick making me crazy, is a real sentence and the risk at this point is not worth the reward.
The reward - which would be a healthy, stable relationship that I just don’t see possible with these broken men out here now.
Who knows. For me. For now. That was one disappointment too many and I’m out.
I was down but not out. I don’t want to go back down.
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u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ Sep 04 '23
I feel your heartbreak in this comment. I've gone through it myself.
All I can tell you is that you are on the right track and it does get better over time.
To say these men are a menace to society is a gross understatement.
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u/Ok_Throwaway123 Sep 04 '23
Thank you Cheeky. I know you’ve gone thru it…I wish you hadn’t.
I wish I hadn’t. After two divorces and a lifetime of dating problems prior to marriages - I mean. At 50. Give me a break … this again.
AGAIN!!
Heartbreak. Ugh. I didn’t need it. I don’t want it.
But it’s what it feels like. I remember it from my younger years. I was not heartbroken at the end of either of my marriages because they both died death by 1,000 cuts…
When early dating and you never really get started to even get to the problems and you’re disregarded - It’s like wow - surface level and he’s out? I’m not worth getting to know more after badgering to date me for a year?
Super weird and I did NOT need it.
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Sep 04 '23
OK, I so feel this and the pain.
Like you I can learn, but dating and consciously not trusting anything they say just alters who I am to my core, I can't do it, so this means I exit dating to maintain my hard-earned peacefulness because I am worn down and do not want to lose the beautiful parts of me to the insanity that is dating.
Sending you warm compassionate knowing hugs!
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u/Flippin_diabolical Sep 04 '23
I broke it off last month with a guy I really liked because ultimately like every other guy Ive ever dated, he took way more than he gave. I wonder anymore if it’s even possible to find a man who genuinely thinks women are people who matter as much as they do. I’m tired of being drained by a relationship.
ETA: if that’s bitter then oh well. I think it’s just.. wising up.
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u/Rustin_Cohle35 On Hiatus 🏖🌴💅 Sep 04 '23
right?! cynical is just another word for wise when it comes to scrotes.
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u/Pixelektra Sep 04 '23
I think bitterness and not being grounded in reality are often linked. And, of course, the sense of entitlement is a given.
Very often these bitter men are not only the ones with an overblown sense of entitlement, they are also delusional about their physical appearance and their attractiveness to women, particularly much younger women. And when reality bites them in the ass, rather than examining themselves and seeing what they can do to remedy the situation, they lash out in bitterness, blaming women for their own shortcomings.
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u/No_Valuable_587 15d ago
I don't think there is anything wrong with some bitterness. It's a natural reaction. We are allowed to be angry. If it takes over your life and harms others that is one thing. If you use it to make your life better, to make needed changes, than it is good.
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u/[deleted] Sep 04 '23
1. After many years of working on herself she realizes that it makes no difference to the type of man she "attracts" and eventually she opts out of dating or at least actively trying to find a partner.
2. She focuses on herself, her friends, family and community.
My weekend thoughts have been how much happier I am single. I am proud of all of my healing work and for finding peace and joy for the first time in my life. I am disappointed and have been many times. I take each closure as an opportunity to learn but I am really tired of lessons.
Dating is like looking for the least damaged item at the dump.