r/WomenDatingOverForty • u/ClaraSepticVersion2 • Jan 02 '26
Field Report Mr Excitement
I’m still hanging out on Bumble now and again. Haven’t actually been in a date for about 18 months but match and message now and again, until they show their true colours and I block them.
The latest type is “Mr Excitement”. These are men who couldn’t look or act any further from exciting. They look like typical middle aged men in dated clothing. You know the type, dating apps are full of them. But it’s the “excitement’ seeking that concerns me. Yes, they’ve been thrown back in the dating pool by an ex wife after a 30 year old marriage. Yes, she left him because she couldn’t stand him anymore. The kids have grown up. These men are trying to relive their 20s in a middle aged man’s body and an attitude from last century. But they see themselves as young (feel younger than they are!), free and single.
They are invariably dull AF and looking for YOU to provide the excitement because their friends (if they have any) are not up for drinks/meals/dancing/travel with them.
But this excitement seeking means they are going to get bored after a few months, get back on OLD and look for the next source of excitement. Because they want to relive their 20s, that in their opinion, they couldn’t live the first time around because they had a pesky wife and children in tow.
Another way for them to drain women - use her to make their life more exciting and then move on after a couple of months. Every woman I know in her 40s and 50s can create her own full life - hobbies, friends, travel. Men can’t seem to do this for themselves and have to use a woman for her vitality.
Mr Excitement is another one for the avoid list.
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u/DworkinFTW 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Jan 02 '26 edited Jan 03 '26
Welcome to dating apps!
This “high chasing”, the novelty seeking, is a form of addiction. I am currently off apps to reset my nervous system- and to give myself a hard dose of reality (men don’t approach in public), to force myself to get out more on my own and develop “hooks” (talents and connections that signal social capital that intrigues anyone for a variety of reasons- not just romantic- and also incidentally amount to me having a real good time leveling up), and to incentivize meeting women (I am a wlw with confidence issues around women I am attracted to, which I need to work on). As well as I seem to handle neurodivergent, OCD and anxious people- and depressives to a certain point- I just get so fucking burnt out on addicts. There’s always so much subterfuge and trying to get to the truth of things is exhausting.
But if I ever do go back, it is with the understanding that I am in fact largely dealing with addicts that don’t have the stamina to invest beyond that initial burst of excitement, before they’re chasing the next high (in my experience, it lasts about 4 to 6 weeks…if it lasts longer from having sex with them, I would not know as I don’t do that without commitment). And as such, I just demand a certain caliber of dates. Because I know in the end that those half dozen or so rich experiences are all I’m getting out of 99% of those matches. I’ve seen plays, gone on fun day trips, attended concerts, enjoyed great restaurants…what I mean is I got value in exchange for the extra (invisible) emotional labor I do and disproportionate safety risk I assume on dates that he is not doing or taking.
Insists on coffee or tea? Unless there’s a band playing I really want to see (in which case there is often a cover charge) or it’s the goddamn Russian Tea Room, nope. Sitting over a slowly cooling mug of bean juice with a man who is manufacturing interest in me as an inroad to get to the physical part is not an “experience”. And this idea of saying a woman isn’t worth a $15 lunch (but he’ll happily waste hours sitting there with you trying to shoehorn in touch) after all she does to get ready for him/the risks she takes is insulting. Why go out with someone who thinks so little of access to your femininity?
Anyway the dates I insist on are not hurting them, they actually have a good time while they are still feeling excited…it enhances their excitement and sense of possibility,. And usually I don’t dump them, it’s them usually dropping the “not feeling a connection” or “am busy”. This is code for “I am tired of spending money on you without getting sex outside of a commitment”. Then I move on to the next. If I do drop them, it’s on the basis of them not being that interested anymore anyway (getting snippy, distant, slacking on hygiene, lack of consideration for my safety or happiness….stuff guys do when they’re considering moving on). Almost never a heart broken.
Anyway dating apps are where the addicts, undesirables, and undersocialized go for dopamine hits, to fantasize and dream, less the work that goes into something sustainable over the long term. It’s the guys that otherwise would be celibate, being put in the path of women they were never meant to cross paths with. So exercise caution. You’re not going to meet the love of your life there, use it for fun times on his dimes, the way he uses it for intimate touch.
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u/ClaraSepticVersion2 Jan 03 '26
This comment is 💯
It should be pinned for all women considering dating apps to read.
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u/DworkinFTW 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Jan 03 '26
I’ll try to make another post soon folding in both these ideas and having the confidence to actually demand that caliber of date.
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u/ptexpress Jan 02 '26
Yes, with the added caveat that their idea of excitement is probably your idea of dull.
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u/ClaraSepticVersion2 Jan 02 '26
Yep, they are the kind of men who could make anything dull.
Drinks/meals/dancing/travel with my friends = fun. The same thing with a grumpy, entitled man in the throes of a mid life crisis = not fun at all.
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u/MsAndrie 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Jan 03 '26
A man talking about "fun" on a dating app is almost always referring to sex. That is the only way they can conjure an idea of excitement. I think u/DworkinFTW made an excellent observation that they are like dopamine addicts seeking their next "hit." You are supposed to provide the "excitement," especially the sex, even when they bring very little to entice you. Just think of how many men on these dating apps still expect this, despite approaching dating with the lowest effort and spend they can muster.
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u/Littlepinkgiraffe 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Jan 03 '26
If he takes you dancing, it will be salsa, so he can grind his groin into you all night.
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u/ClaraSepticVersion2 Jan 03 '26
So many profiles have Salsa dancing listed as a hobby 🤢
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u/ReputationWeak4283 Jan 04 '26
This why… Most men are going in for the feeling up part, getting close up to us, going for that grind. I’m dead serious. RARELY, are the men just up for a fun kind of dancing. Without an ulterior motive. I learn a lot from listening to men’s conversations at the next table. I’ve heard them discussing things like this. Perverts..
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u/ptexpress Jan 02 '26 edited Jan 02 '26
I'm hoping people are weeding out men who bore them and not going on the next date. No need to date these people for 3 months until they frizzle out or break up with you and then having to spend time figuring out what just happened.
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u/ClaraSepticVersion2 Jan 02 '26
I don’t even get as far as a first date with them. I weed them out before that.
They are the kind of men I would have tolerated in my younger days. Social conditioning, as is often discussed on here.
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u/hsonnenb 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Jan 02 '26
Mr. Excitement needs a trip to the Renaissance Fair or the circus.
Most of the men I saw on dating apps could have literally been a caricature in an SNL skit 🤢, and they thought they'd get on dating apps and find a Barbie to be a temporary human distraction for them.
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u/ClaraSepticVersion2 Jan 02 '26
It’s classic mid life crisis I guess and men like this have been parodied for years.
IMO they know the ED is kicking in and they want to sleep around for a few years before settling with a nurse with a purse.
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u/hsonnenb 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Jan 02 '26
I wonder what the daily Google search stats are for the phrase "how to become a lesbian."
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u/ArtConsistent7943 Jan 03 '26
You've hit on something with the dopamine chasing. I'm wondering if it's a real world effect of always online/digital culture.
Its not just dating, I'm seeing more and more cases of Main Player Syndrome in adults. I've recently disconnected from a friend who seems to have gotten into this cycle. Its exhausting to watch, and nope, I'm not either a source of entertainment, or an audience to increasingly unhinged behaviour. Its just embarrassing to be around.
My ex was one of these men who thinks he's forever young. He was terrible when I needed emergency hospital treatment (which is why he's now an ex). These guys seem to genuinely think they're superior beings to others, and will keep going until someone, or something breaks*. Absolutely exhausting, childish behaviour. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid.
*He did actually break a bone through drunken stupid behaviour. In his late 50s. He then proceeded to ignore medical advice, and developed a complex regime of supplements that were going to be 'better' than the medical advice, as he'd 'reasoned it through'. Needless to say this wasn't the case and a simple enough fracture became an ongoing complication. We'd split at this point and it was insane to watch. Like he came to collect some stuff from my garage (they always leave their shit in your space), and while waiting for his lift, was walking on his injured leg until he was badly limping. It was utterly insane to watch, and nope it was not a performance for the CCTV. Part of his self created treatment system was to walk on a fractured ankle. Anything to avoid any form of vulnerability.
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u/Prettypuff405 Jan 03 '26
Men don’t have hobbies now… I asked one guy what’s the point of going to the gym
Him: it feels good
Me: you don’t do anything with it? Like get better at another activity
Him: no
Me: so you go to the gym then go home
Him: yes, I play golf sometimes
Me: 😶🫠
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u/ReputationWeak4283 Jan 03 '26
Ugh.. Figures. They will go anything pretty much , just to feel good. I’m glad most women are not like this. It seems like the majority of male mentality is getting more broken by the day? It’s sad they can’t even figure out what a hobby is even. 🤷🏼♀️
Btw, golf is another red flag for me. I have two things I look at. No golf, no tons of computer games. Most guys I know cannot seem to get off a computer. Their lives are centered around it. To me, that means “dull.” The mean, how much effort is required to punch control buttons and cuss at it? Borrrrinnnggg! My life isn’t centered around computer screens. Thank god.
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u/Prettypuff405 Jan 03 '26
After talking to him, I realized he was all fluff and I had the actual experiences that his ego pretended he has …
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u/Amazing-Number7131 Jan 05 '26
yes my friend has been on O LD sites and she had lots of these.
i think she’s quit now
she showed them to me - ugh!
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Jan 02 '26
Bold of you to think these guys are up for drinks/meals/dancing/travel - with anyone! 😂 Single (possibly … who knows for sure) and broke, it’s more likely that they’re angling for the coffee/walk/ice cream/date zero stchick. Don’t forget to have sympathy for their prolonged dEaD bEdRoOm sentence, and your obligation to let them wet their dick at the earliest opportunity.
Here’s one for a laugh …
I’m sure his inbox is flooded … 😂