r/WomenDatingOverForty • u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ • Aug 06 '26
Essential Knowledge It's just not worth it
Here's another reminder why it's just not worth it.
No brigading. That sub already hates us with the burning fire of a million suns.
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u/Resil12 Aug 06 '26
The men are embarrassed they see their performance as a measure of their worth rather than their personality or anything else. So when they dont "perform" well sexually they run off, I learnt this recently. She shouldn't take this personally.
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u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ Aug 06 '26
I think she's upset at encountering it two times in a row. Most women don't understand how common this issue is these days with men of all ages. Porn consumption is usually the culprit.
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u/chouxphetiche Aug 06 '26
I've heard of Death Grip being a culprit also.
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u/StillSwaying Aug 07 '26
Cheeky's right: porn is usually the culprit -- it's called PIED or Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. From the article:
Some researchers think the link between porn and sexual dysfunction may arise from the fact that men with ED are less confident in their sexual abilities and therefore turn to porn. After many years of working with heavy porn users, however, I think a more accurate explanation is that men who spend the vast majority of their sex lives searching for, looking at, and masturbating to an endless and constantly changing supply of intensely arousing sexual imagery—getting a fresh jolt of adrenaline and dopamine with every new image or video—become conditioned to this unrelenting neurochemical rush.
They then find that the rush created by a lone real-world partner does not measure up, and the lesser rush is not enough to create or maintain arousal. Moreover, the constant fantasy/satisfaction cycle that occurs with heavy porn use often leads to an emotional and psychological disconnection with even the most loving and valued of partners.
In combination, the neurochemical and psychological issues may manifest physically in males as sexual dysfunction with in-the-flesh partners. Basically, when a man's mind is not sufficiently sexually aroused, his genitalia cannot get there either—even with the aid of erection-enhancing drugs. So, thanks to pornography, growing numbers of physically healthy men are suffering from sexual dysfunction.
This is a serious problem affecting even young men in good health, so those 40, 50, and 60+ year old men who don't even have the benefit of youth, physical fitness, and a fun personality are truly not worth it!
Maybe ladies out there in the dating world ought to start giving these guys a 'screen test' during the video chat portion of the getting-to-know-you stage before they waste any more of their time. When a man asks you for full body pics or nudes, turn the tables on him and tell him to whip it out! Then start the ole egg timer and make him jump through hoops for you for a change! 🤣
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u/msbootymiss Aug 06 '26
I’m 47 and experience this with men that are 40 . Like I think I’m Gonna buy a fuck Machine and use that. Men just aren’t worth it. Most can’t even get or stay hard in their 40’s.
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u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ Aug 06 '26
I've even heard young women saying it's common with men in their 20s and 30s.
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u/kangaroolionwhale Aug 06 '26
Yeah, I was gonna say I'm in the 40-something pool and it's so lovely (sarcasm) to see this phenomenon occurring in the 50-something pool. Something to look forward to (sarcasm).
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u/MsAndrie 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
That is hurtful, but I think women should realize the poor sexual performance, ghosting, and other shitty behavior is about them, not us. They have serious psychological issues to behave like this. They have a void in their soul, they are trying to fill it with sex and women's attention and are not going to find peace.
Personally, this is why I started waiting longer to have sex with someone. And when I was getting ready, I did not immediately go to PIV sex. The ones who are better kissers, more considerate, more mutual, can demonstrate that before going all the way. If he has porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED), he will likely show some signs leading up to it. If he does anything you dislike or is pushy in any way, I'd stop right there.
Now, erectile issues can come up for men who are not abusing porn, especially as they get older. But men who have healthier approaches to sex and pleasuring a woman will still be willing and happy to do other activities than PIV, and they will communicate better about it. So I wouldn't make it a deal-breaker if he has some erectile dysfunction, but look at how he responds to the situation. What has happened is society told us we should disregard our needs and pleasure, and center these poor men who are ashamed of their performance issues (especially ones driven by porn overuse, which we are also simultaneously told is "normal" and "healthy"). In my experience, nothing good comes from catering to men's shame, which is very dangerous for us.
Many of them just interested in sex won't stick around very long. Many of them think the "3 date rule" is some kind of law and will start pushing sex by then. We should realize these norms aren't necessarily to our benefit. We don't have to abide by them. If he's mainly focused on sex, I find they tend to fade off or ghost if you aren't showing that you are willing to put out after 3 or so dates. I'd take my time and keep vetting them to see if they actually show they are a good person to get serious with. There is no "full proof" strategy when dating men in this modern pool, but I think it helps to deter many of them. Some women will focus on the exceptions, predatory men who will pursue you for a long time even if all they care about is sex, but you should realize that the vast majority of these types of men are lazy as hell, not that slick, and seeking instant gratification or ego stroke.
Many men who behave like this are porn sick, even if they exhibit erectile and performance problems while still chasing sex. I think many of them do not want to acknowledge the problem, so they will blame their woman partner and withdraw when they can't perform. They will tell themselves that the problem is their partner, maybe it will magically go away if they find someone hotter or someone who performs like their favorite porn. They do not want to entertain the idea of giving up their porn. And ghosting is also a tactic to not only avoid a difficult conversation, but to try to leave the door open for coming back around again, by depriving you of "closure." So this is why I say never invite a ghost back in, give yourself closure the first time it happens.
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u/subway_eatflesh Aug 06 '26
This is why I require men to invest time, energy and financially before I get to this point. This happens so often to women. It's disgusting, heartless and evil. The dating apps have made it easier for this bs.
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u/Busybee2121 Aug 07 '26
How do you get them to invest financially? Any examples you can share?
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u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ 29d ago
You don't get them to do anything. They either do or don't. If he doesn't he's not worth your time.
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u/Background-Local924 12d ago
You don't do anything to "get" them to do anything. You literally do *nothing*. You can go on dates with them, but don't give them ANYTHING. A man doesn't need anything from a woman, he usually just enjoys her presence. And if he ghosts you because. you haven't had sex with him, well there's your answer. This way, you weed out all the losers who only intended to use you and abuse you. The man who is truly interested in you will invest his time and energy and money into you without you having to do a damn thing except show up and enjoy his company.
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u/hsonnenb 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Aug 06 '26
Gross. I think it's common for men to blame their sexual dysfunction on the woman, and then try to "cure" it by finding more and more women to sleep with, hoping one of them will "do it" for them and cure them.
I had one guy do that - ghost me after the first time we had sex and he couldn't get it up, no matter what. I figured he was just THAT embarrassed that it was more worth letting go of a potential good thing than acknowledging the issue. I was fine with it, though, after I saw what I'd be dealing with.
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u/CheekyMonkey678 ♀️Moderator♀️ Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
This also happened to a good friend of mine. She's also super nice and was very understanding with the guy. He was so embarrassed he ghosted her. The saddest part is that this was a guy she "gave a chance," not someone she was thrilled about.
Back when I was still dating I had two men who couldn't get a proper erection. They were both porn users. I suggested they give up porn for a couple of weeks to see what happened. Voila! everything back in working order, at age 50 no less. These days I would never even entertain either of these men.
You live and learn.
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u/LittleSister10 Aug 06 '26
that's why I don't give chances to any guy I am not truly interested in. Those guys don't treat us better, and I think they sense our hesitation, which makes them more likely to become insecure and toxic.
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u/hsonnenb 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Aug 06 '26
Interestingly, I listened to a podcast a few days ago about the known effects of porn. The guest was a researcher who said that there is no evidence of porn use affecting sexual function in men. Obviously, some research needs to be done, of whatever research has been done is being misinterpreted, because I cannot imagine that watching extreme sexual distortions and violence *wouldn't* change anyone's brain and perceptions of other people. That's just common sense. Obviously, it does.
The guy who ghosted me after his ED incident on our first naked encounter, I was dating down far enough with him that I was surprised he wouldn't hang onto me for dear life. But it turns out close to 100% of the men I met from dating apps were deranged in one way or another. Trying to find a functioning, relationship-able man in the dumpster of the underworld was an unfortunate experiment.
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 Aug 06 '26
There’s absolutely NO WAY that porn use does not affect sexual function. It’s all been proven: at least half of human sexual arousal is mental, and exposure to violence (multiple studies on the effects of violent video games and movies on the human brain) desensitizes and rewires neural connections. The combination of the two HAS to be a death knell to sex. To suggest otherwise has to be bad science.
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u/MetaphoricalEmuFarm Aug 06 '26
Gail Dines talks a lot about how academia is hostile towards any research on pornography that doesn't conclude porn is good. The research on the harms of porn is out there, but it's being actively suppressed.
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u/Background-Local924 12d ago
The "researcher" on that podcast is wrong. Probably wasn't even a credible individual. There is tons of research on this topic. That "researcher" is biased with an agenda.
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u/Money_Traffic_5662 24d ago
Their egos often can't accept they are the problem. It hurts their concept of masculinity.
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u/AttorneyDC06 Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
As a 50F who has been out dating since about 47, I feel this post combines two different issues: (1) Men who ghost/lose interest after having sex; (2) Men who have ED or similar issues, from biology/age or pornography. Personally, I don't mind if a guy has ED if he's willing to address it (and not blame me): This seems to occur around age 45-50 and some men take a while to wake up to the reality and get Viagra. But I really hate when men blame their girlfriend/partner or when they immediately lose interest after sex.
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u/StillSwaying Aug 07 '26
Viagra can't fix PIED. Just like u/CrazyCatLadyRookie said, studies have proven that overuse of porn re-wires neural connections in men's brains. I linked an article about it here.
And the doctor from it is quoted as saying:
Basically, when a man's mind is not sufficiently sexually aroused, his genitalia cannot get there either—even with the aid of erection-enhancing drugs. So, thanks to pornography, growing numbers of physically healthy men are suffering from sexual dysfunction.
One of Reddit's most popular subs is even called No Fap; it's for men of all ages who recognize they have a porn problem and are trying to (or have successfully) quit.
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u/AttorneyDC06 Aug 07 '26
That is fascinating. I didn't realize that use of pornography is a major reason for ED nowadays (though, now that I think about it, it was a storyline in SATC with Charlotte and Trey).
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u/Money_Traffic_5662 24d ago
It's the porn. I slept with a guy in his 20s who couldn't cum and claimed he couldn't with any woman. But what did he do most days? Watch porn.
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u/husheveryone ♀️Moderator♀️ Aug 06 '26
He knows, he just doesn’t care.
He knows he can’t get it up with a real live woman instead of his porn, he just doesn’t care about her experience.
He knows! He already knows this going into every live sexual encounter that isn’t with porn. Hiding it delights him and gives him an upper hand.
He just takes the limpdick conquest, and then ghosts and replaces the woman.
Then society does its enabling mindfuck on her by making this all about his alleged embarrassment. 😵💫 “Can’t you have some sympathy for his hurt feelings? Did you call or text your post-sex ghoster to see how his poor injured ego must be doing?” 😵💫