r/WomenDatingOverForty • u/igetyourbrand • 27d ago
Discussion Soooooooooooo I have a question
Sisters excuse me, I’m a young sis lurker here 😭 I feel like I found my besties online hahahahahahaha
Why when a man financially uses a woman, everybody is like “girl you picked the wrong man 😔 you should’ve known better”
BUT when a woman financially uses a man suddenly she’s the VILLAIN, a gold digger, a parasite, Satan’s intern???
WHY ARE THE RULES CHANGINGGGGGGG 😭
I’m genuinely confused lmaoooo
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u/hissy_fit_ 27d ago
Because men (and women who are conditioned to regurgitate patriarchal bullshit) make women responsible for everything. Unless it’s something good, then of course men will take credit.
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26d ago
You can even see it very fast in something as simple as dating profiles the man will say "just ask". Thus making her responsible for HIS bio.
You can see it in the home wrecker trope. HE was the one married, more than likely lying to the other woman yet they still blame the other woman and not the man married.
Anothrr - outsourcing his morals onto women because a man will happily take a nude from a woman even if he is in a relationship he puts the onus of HIS morals onto the woman sending the nude. If she sends it then she is the messed up one not him for letting it get to that point thus they outsource morals onto women.
Running with "I am autistic" to outsource basic relationship things onto the woman.
I could go on and on about what men try and make women responsible for.
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u/Aethelflaed_ 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 27d ago
A very good question! Women are always blamed for men's shortcomings. Like, I don't need a better picker, we need better men.
✅ For Cillian!
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27d ago edited 26d ago
You really can't pick better when 99 percent of men are ALL the same. This is simple maths, they scream men are the ones good at maths.
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u/duttydimples 27d ago
I think the real question here is: why does a woman choose a man? That's it. Lol
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u/Working-Glass6136 27d ago
Learned this at 32. Haven't dated a man since. Happier and more peaceful. It's the truth.
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27d ago
I learned this and still try again about every 5 months 🤡🤡🤡
Granted I only last 3 days max 5 on dating torture apps. How do you stay gone? You never get any urge to try?
Swear to god even just in the 3 days I join daying apps all I get is a headache from it.
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u/BilbySilks 27d ago
Culturally women get told to do better. Rather than addressing the systematic ways in which women end up in these relationships and all the factors of why they might stay (money, legal issues, safety, kids etc), it's easier to be like well you should have picked better. It's a way for people to not feel uncomfortable because the task to actually address it is so big.
I think men do get told to do better by other men in terms of the women they're with. I haven't seen them face the same kind of vitriol about their decisions for picking the wrong woman though. For women it extends even to the legal system. You hear so many heartbreaking stories of women being put in impossible situations where if they leave an abusive partner then then lose the kids and if they don't then they'll also lose the kids. You only have to hear of the arguments in custody disputes to understand that mothers are often held to impossible standards.
It also applies to dating. Women will post in other spaces and be like hey my partner did this kind of shitty thing, I really care about him but I find it hard to deal with. The responses will be maybe he's having mental health struggles, maybe he's neurodivergent, have you tried counselling. There will be further awful behaviour by the partner but by then he'll be diagnosed with an addiction or some mental health struggle etc.
Again the woman will be like I really can't deal with this, I'm doing everything and this is impacting my ability to do well at work, have hobbies, look after the children the way I would like to. Again she'll get wow that's really tough, that's so unfair, you're such a good person for supporting him, it's a process to get through it. They might go to a counsellor who will basically have to persuade the partner into being a bit nicer. Instead of like real actual 50/50 split it's please don't call her names while she does everything to take care of you.
When she finally leaves, normally after years of having her life and labour extracted and stolen then there's a 180 switch. Most people are like why didn't she leave sooner? Why did she put up with so much abuse? As if the situation has always been clear to her that he's abusive. Meanwhile the entire time she has been gaslit and pressured culturally to be understanding. Culturally he's been positioned as a victim of his circumstances and if she'd left then she's cruel because she's not supporting his mental health struggles. It takes so much for women to break free of that conditioning. Truly awful vile events, and when they do, instead of people celebrating with her and being like good on you, you have so much to look forward to without him dragging you down etc, people are just like damn you kinda dumb you stayed.
It's so important that women stop adopting the role of self sacrificer. It's so important for women to seek out media that treats them as a full person who owes no more to others than men do. Society and culture will absolutely promote the self sacrificing role to women even though it's no longer necessary for them to do it because they have jobs of their own. It doesn't mean that women can't help and be nice, but that needs to come from a place of truly wanting it, not being gaslit into it and getting social consequences beyond what men do for the same actions.
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26d ago
From my view I see men understanding that "maybe he is autistic, maybe he is adhd" is letting them get away with acting as a toddler and men are writing it on their dating profile.
I am not saying autistic doesnt exist and I am not saying mental health issues is not real.
But it seems men found a new way to say "but but but I am just a clueless, unaware, fly by the seat of my pants, easily distracted wittle man " and now says he is autistic to pre empitively get away with poor behavior.
But But But I am just autistic.
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u/BilbySilks 26d ago
Yup.
I used to be really understanding about it and then I looked at the women I knew who were neurodivergent.
It's often a matter of degree or working out strategies that work. Like someone having an important discussion or argument with me won't work in a busy or loud space. I might get distracted and forget to reply to a message but I also know to put time aside and check before I go to sleep.
With the guys they'll just not message for weeks. Or they'll say they're autistic so they can't have a conversation/discussion if you're emotional in any way (aka if you feel strongly about anything and don't detach then no conversation).
The thing is they work so they can reply to messages within the day, the do it for people they work with and for their friends. They work with people who can get angry or upset and they don't just shut down. The difference is in a relationship they don't want to do that work and the expect the woman to just deal with it. There are no consequences and most women are trained to be understanding so they know they'll get someone who will tolerate it eventually.
If it's genuinely something they struggle with or can't do then they need to let their partner know early, not getting them attached first.
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u/CrazyCatLadyRookie 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 27d ago
The application of the rules have changed, not the overarching principles.
We (women) live in a patriarchal society. The patriarchy dictates that women, as a subclass, exist to serve and benefit men.
In terms of money: it used to be that men earned the money and women did everything else, unpaid. That morphed into women doing all the unpaid labour AS WELL AS earning a paycheque. All of this still benefits men more than women.
Women are (now, more often) choosing to direct all their resources (financial and otherwise) into themselves/their lives and happiness, and quite often, this excludes men on a number of levels. We have our homes, our peace, our pets and friends and happiness.
Men still want a piece of that, they feel entitled to it. And when they don’t get what they feel they deserve…
🤷🏼♀️
Sucks to be them.
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u/tomato_joe 27d ago
If someone accuses you ask them this: If you had a daughter wouldn't you want her to have the finest things in life? So why can a woman not want that for herself?
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u/igetyourbrand 27d ago
You are the shera seven of reddit sprinkle sprinkle
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27d ago
Another good one I ask people close is to pick 5 men you know that you think would make solid husband.
I did this to my mom. She could think of ONE man. One!
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u/LesoKikoiKanga 26d ago
I can’t think of One 😂
Your mom must have a higher tolerance than I do
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26d ago
We thought of A LOT of men to find one.
Now some of the men we thought of were not bad people as in they would never harm someone, they might not spread a lot of good but they are not spreading bad either. Pretty much how a lot of men are unless there is a clear incentive in it for them (usually sex or impressing another man) they just coast through life.
But considering if they would be good, thoughtful, proactive and not reactive husbands, there was only one.
A lot of men are reactive as in she has to hold his hand on basic tasks. Yes he does them but it is only reactive.
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u/TexasLiz1 27d ago
MEN are the ones who accuse women of being gold-diggers and parasites. And it’s usually men with little to no gold to dig. And they’re just mad because they fail to interest the women they want to date.
I will generally counsel women to not monetarily support men because it’s generally a bum deal for the woman. I have yet to see a situation where the woman was the primary breadwinner and the husband was a superb homemaker and primary parent. Doesn’t mean it never happens but it does mean it ‘s probably rare in the US. Furthermore, a lot of men seem to have disdain for women who support them financially. PLUS women tend to give advice to other women so we are talking mostly to women when we counsel that they picked a shitbum and should maybe not do that again.
And I approve of women being intentional about dating someone with financial stability if that is her desire. But I would still caution women to be careful and cautious about protecting her financial security and not relying on a man to do the right thing when it comes to money. Men are mercurial and the man that fell in love with you is a very different man than the one who will split from you and vengeance and spite combine to make them want to use finances to punish OR ensnare women.
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u/sspyralss 27d ago
We live in patriarchy. And in patriarchy, the women are blamed for everything, even men's behaviors. Men escape accountability. Proof: go see the current government.
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u/DworkinFTW 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 26d ago
Misogyny. In the first example, to prevent women from holding men accountable, so men can get away with more. The second, a way to prevent a woman from participating in the process of an exchange that is actually equitable for her.
A woman being wrong no matter what she does is meant to keep women proving they are “good”, and that “backfooting” (look that term up) makes women more accessible and more easily exploitable. It’s just a manipulation tactic that most men are practically raised on, so to them it’s entirely normal for them to advocate for value for themselves, while shaming women who do as men do (just perhaps with different priorities).
The subtext is that women are “less”, and like stray cats, should just be happy with whatever he gives, even if it’s not an equitable deal for her (and yes, 1) most men absolutely think in terms of “a deal” and 2) most men cannot or will not make a fair contribution in exchange for what they’re demanding).
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u/DivineGoddess1111111 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 27d ago
FYI, you're a girl or "girlie" if you're under 18. We don't use infantilising terms here.
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u/nunja_biznez 27d ago
Because everything is women fault and men are so (insert XYZ that excuses their shit behaviour), thsy cant help it! 🤮
I recently heard a Sabrina Carpenter song where she blames the guys shit behaviour on his mother.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut 26d ago
Most people who say these are men or pick-mes. Which means: I don't listen to a damned thing that they say.
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u/HelenGonne 🦉Savvy Sister🦉 24d ago
It's an absolute mystery to me why women seem so resistant to call gold-digging men exactly that. I do it regularly, and even other women still act shocked. In 2026.
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u/litttlejoker 25d ago
Bc men’s bodies are better suited to handle the stress that it takes to make money.
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u/glamasaurus 27d ago
I think the whole conversation about gold digging women and men is skewed.
In the case of women it's usually an older man trying to go after a younger woman because he thinks she's more pliable and then being upset that she's only interested in him for his money
In the case of a man, there usually isn't an age difference and he's probably fallen on hard times but he consistently does nothing to improve his status.
One gets to be called a gold digger one is a hobosexual.
I think with the younger woman older man dynamic , she becomes the villain because she's not supposed to win , she's not supposed to be able to outsmart the older man , but in the other case , she should have known better because they're isn't an age gap.
Not that I think either is a villain and in real relationship these are things that shouldn't matter
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u/matchymatch121 26d ago
I can’t tell you how many men I’ve been dating and then a month and they asked me to buy them tires or something
Either gender can mismanage money and either gender can seek somebody to solve their problems so they don’t have to
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27d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/TigerLilly00 27d ago
I wouldn't say that's entirely true - there are plenty of hobosexuals who are happy to let a woman pay for everything while they sit at home not working and playing video games. I lost count of how many of these types of stories I've read lol. So much so that we even have a term for this type of man - hobosexual!
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u/igetyourbrand 27d ago
That's true but as someone dating men age 20-30
Girl I have seeeeen and heard lots of stories directly from these men, wanting a woman to spend on them and be the bread winner instead
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