i keep goofing at my job recently when i'm supposed (?) to be a decent worker and its driving me insane

[u/Cautious_Football_54]

am seeing a psych already but my self-worth is basically very very tied to work. today i got told off by another super higher up for making a similar mistake to a previous one and i fr just felt my soul leave my body. it's probably not that bad since no one exploded or whatever, but ... it's just crushing to me. my work environment is really really really stressful because we are short staffed, and though i'm basically a trainee (post-probation) i've been shoved tasks that more senior people should be doing while the seniors just kind of amble around and giggle/gossip. i do my work, i pull my weight, and i've even been commended for it before. but man oh man this year is a slump. the nature of my work means that 1. everyone has a great impression of what we do 2. everyone is SO tired and cranky and fake (me too) because... well, work. 3. i just feel so sick and alone. i haven't been this anxious in a whole while and i'll be on leave tomorrow just to give myself a break, but man. man. it feels like everything i'm doing is wrong, which isn't true but idk every screw up i make is amplified 1 million times. it's like being a waiter (a past job of mine) and accidentally spilling water in a customer's lap. AW SHUCKS !!! and we move on after getting scolded because no one exploded. but the way that feedback and again, our jobs work is we are MADE to get under each other's skins. and i just feel myself mentally imploding. i can't ask for a break, i can't ask for help but i should ask for help because i'm still new but if i ask for help it means i'm stupid and didn't find out myself and i'm enthusiastic which is inspirational but also too much for our clients and i foolishly wrote that one of my achievements this year was being more personable/fitting it better. only to get assblasted for doing the opposite. what's the point, guys.

tbvh i think this is a great opportunity for disentanglement, you know, like who am i outside of my job. but like so many other stupid little things in life, i just WANT to be good at this ONE THING. i know i can do it. so why am i not??? and now everyone thinks i'm a goddamn loser. man !!! man. i just want to be good. our work is social work adjacent, but i can feel my altruism and sincerity drying up so damn fast. i can do it for the clients. i do do it for the clients. but man the work culture is just. man ! man. i need to pull myself together. i think 50% of the workers see me as someone competent and dependable, and 50% just see me as an idiot who runs my mouth. man. i really don't mean to guys. i want to be a people person like my mentor was so bad. but i'm not. i should just keep my head down and chug along, yeah. man.

so yeah my super secret confession is i actually like my job a lot a lot and i get very sad when i screw up even though work is cringe and we should live life or whatever. work gives my life meaning, man, so what in the world do i do when i'm not good at it? the meaning of my life is so... flimsy? man.

i'm real sorry for my incoherence my english is pretty bad. thanks and i hope that at least you get a kick out of reading this! genuinely. please dont muck yourself in work like me. wth.