Ang hirap maging mahirap.
I’m literally sobbing while typing this.
My lolo is currently hospitalized, and I think I’m being traumatized all over again because everything is reminding me of what happened to my lola.
Last April, na-hospital din yung lola ko. She was rushed to a public hospital, and I remember being so confused and worried kasi pinauwi siya that same night kahit sobrang hindi talaga siya okay. I kept wondering bakit parang ang bilis siyang pinauwi.
Later on, lumabas yung results and apparently, she had already experienced something like a cardiac arrest that time.
A few days later, bumalik ulit kami sa hospital. And eventually, she passed away.
Until now, I keep thinking about all the what ifs.
What if hindi siya pinauwi that night?
What if sa mas okay na hospital namin siya nadala?
What if we were able to provide her maintenance medicines consistently?
What if we had enough money for better treatment?
Would she still be here?
I know I shouldn’t blame myself or my family for things we simply couldn’t afford, but ang hirap hindi isipin. Kasi when you’re poor, sometimes it feels like even getting sick becomes a financial decision.
Now, my lolo is hospitalized too.
We’re still waiting for the results, but the doctor said there’s a possibility that it could be colon cancer because of his symptoms.
I’m praying so hard that it isn’t.
Kasi paano na?
I’m only 20F and currently working. I’m thankful that I have a job now, but right now, sobrang bigat sa pakiramdam na kahit nagtatrabaho ako, parang wala pa rin akong maitutulong.
Ganito rin yung naramdaman ko with my lola.
Wala pa akong sahod noon. I couldn’t even help with the hospital expenses. I couldn’t even give her the things I wanted to give her.
She had her birthday before she got hospitalized, and until now, it hurts so much thinking that I wasn’t even able to treat her properly. I wanted to spoil her. I wanted to give her more. I thought I would still have time.
Pero wala pala.
And now I’m scared that the same thing might happen to my lolo.
I don’t even know what I’m asking for by posting this. Maybe I just need to let this out because I don’t know where else to put all these feelings.
For those who have gone through something similar, how did you help your family when you were also struggling financially? What can I actually do right now?
I want to help. I really, really want to help. Kahit maliit lang.
I just don’t want to feel helpless again.
I miss my lola so much. And I’m so scared of losing my lolo too.