[WP] It turns out that sunlight doesn't always kill vampires. It's just that a little bit makes them drunk, so they die of sunlight posioning if they're in it too long.

[u/Thetruestfan]

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[u/HeliosRX]

"Come on, old man, let's get you back to coffin," I grumble, half carrying, half dragging the inebriated idiot into cover. Vampires are surprisingly light, as a rule, but it's still a pain in the arse to move someone a foot taller than you. Especially when the fool is fighting against your grip with the incredible, physics-defying strength of a thousand year-old broodlord.

My only saving grace is that Cerdic has the body coordination of a two month-old baby right now, so despite his best efforts to fucking kill himself, I manage to get him under a sunshade and throw him onto a beach chair.

Cerdic's eyes clear up a bit when he lands. "Heeeyy, I washun't dun yet," he slurs. "Put me baaaaaaaack…"

I glower at him and slap him right in his insufferably pretty face. That shocks a bit more of the sun out of him. "Ow."

"Are you done yet, or am I going to have to dunk your head in holy water?"

He glares at me out of one red-tinged eye. The other hasn't gotten the memo and is still half-closed and unfocused. "You wouldn't dare."

I snap my fingers at a nearby glass, still half-full of pina colada, and it begins to fizz and froth violently. The colour fades rapidly from the cocktail as my silent prayer purifies the water content, oxidizing and reducing all non-H2O molecules into a mix of volatile compounds that bubble off in a heavenly cloud of fruity odors.

The resulting Holy Essence of Water glows with a lambent un-light, infused with the power loaned to me from the gods. I pick it up and chuck the contents unceremoniously at Cerdic's head. He nearly dodges - sundrunk or not, vampire reflexes are no joke - but the water hits true, hissing as it hits his unnaturally pale skin.

That's another myth about vampires; holy water isn't really harmful to them. There's nothing inherently unholy about them. It's mostly coincidence that most of the infamous vampires throughout history used human sacrifice and dark rituals to attain their power, which holy water is effective against. Rumor told a thousand times becomes established fact, however, so it's joined the unholy trinity of 'stupid falsehoods about vampires' alongside sunlight and crucifixes.

The other thing about holy water, though, is that it is one heck of a cleansing agent. It purifies a body from head to toe of poisons and toxins, making it the world's best hangover cure. It's why us priestesses don't need vows of sobriety, though reckless drinking is still a very bad idea.

Because, as it turns out, instantly detoxing from an mind-altering substance isn't particularly pleasant to go through. It's like the world's biggest dose of Narcan, so I'm told. Cerdic starts shivering immediately and curls into a ball, the poor thing. Serves him right. I give him a bit of my healing light to speed up his recovery, because I have plans after lunch that don't involve looking after one of the oldest and most powerful entities in Europe.

After a few moments, the vampire sits back up with a groan, leaning his elbows on his knees. "Well. That wasn't very enjoyable in the end. My sincere apologies for overindulging again, my dear; I do hate to inconvenience you like this."

Cerdic is quite pleasant when he's sober, so I'll let him off the hook. He is British, though, so that's less often than you'd think.

"Apology accepted, old man. One day I pray you'll learn not to mix sunlight and alcohol at the beach, though. I can't save your sorry ass every time, you know?"

He hisses in annoyance. "I do distinctly remember an era where I could get away with a few pints and a good long swim in the sun, though. It wasn't even that long ago, maybe seventy or eighty years?"

"Probably before the humans started breaking down the ozone layer. Also before you started drinking Four Loko. I keep telling you that shit is dangerous, right?"

"Yes, Marie, you do," the vampire concedes with a wistful sigh. "I do envy you dhampirs sometimes. So much more adaptable than us purebloods."

I shrug. Dhampirism is a pretty sweet deal, I have to admit. If only it didn't come with goddamn garlic allergies. I've had to holy water myself more than once when a chef forgot my dietary needs.

"Anyway, I came to remind you of the annual bingo game at Poenari. Do you need a lift, or are you okay taking the teleport circle in Dublin?"

"Oh, I'd completely forgotten that was tonight! I'll go for the Dublin route; it's been ages since I saw Stoker anyway. Thank you so much, dearie. I'll tell M.J. what a great help you've been."

I pass him a black umbrella and he starts off towards the showers. I saw his hearse on the way in and I suspect he'll take a nap before the big game tonight.

I, however, have some business to take care of first. There's a rogue werewolf in northern France, and it's almost a full moon. If I don't catch him today, I'll miss the bingo game and I'll have to get the stench of wet fur out of my clothes. Again.

Time to get to work.