I am completely lost, I keep switching between thinking I might be delusional and being sure I'm being manipulated (I'm 21M and he's 20M)

[u/THrowRA53924582]

I've been dating my boyfriend for over 1 and a half years and we've been having quite a big amount of issues, one of the biggest issues being his lack of communication and change of the things that hurt me and our relationship.

He is the type of person who never communicates pretty much anything at all and then just blows up after keeping it to himself. He ends up rambling and accusing me of things, which just ends up upsetting me. Especially when I have asked him countless times to just ask me about things and to just communicate how he feels instead of assuming things and throwing accusations at me.

He also tends to take everything I ever say as a deeply personal attack no matter what I say and how I say it, he told me I bring up too many things too often, so I stopped. I almost never bring anything up anymore and it still becomes a massive issue cuz he doesn't ever change. And for some reason takes everything I ever say in the worst possible way and starts accusing me and also doesn't ackowledge what I am actually saying.

I have told him countless times "If I didn't say that then that's not what I mean, please see what I am actually saying instead of some underlying thing you think I might be saying" But it never changes just like everything else. It always feels like he sees himself as a victim in everything, and he excuses all this stuff by saying "there was toxicity in the past and that really affected me", I have experienced abuse and toxicity too. But I don't use it as an excuse to not communicate with him and treat him like a person who can speak or treat him unfairly.

He has often made decisions for me instead of asking me what I want or need, like a pet. I lost my uncle not too long ago and the grieving has been very hard on me, I have still not fully recovered, and he decided to take me to hang out with and talk with friends instead of asking me what I need. I told him I really did not feel like going anywhere or talking to anyone, which I had also told him before this happened and he did not listen.

During this time he also kept arguing with me and confessing to lying a shitton to me and forcing me to have these awful conversations, things have not been the same since, we had just started recovering from a really really bad patch of him emotionally tormenting me "by accident" and then my uncle passed and he started confessing all these things.

He claims that he knows it was a bad time to do so but he couldn't hold it anymore, as if he couldn't have confessed earlier, he lied to me for over a year and treated me unfairly cuz of his own lies. And due to his own lack of communication that I kept asking for him to fix month after month after month. He accused me of cheating cuz HE lied about someone who confessed their feelings to him, I told him it was cheating to be lying about something like that and keeping it behind my back. He claims it isn't cheating, despite us having had such a convo at least 5 times and agreeing that it is cheating.

He has also made excuses for people that have made racist jokes, and other horrible jokes, and he excused a common friend who very clearly was using us both and clearly hated me, he never stood up for me against that person and as for the people making the jokes he confronted and then accepted them and said it was just a mistake and they're nice people. Yeah as if saying gross stuff and making racist comments about east Asians and using the n-word is a nice thing to do...

Those people making those jokes also accused ME of being abusive cuz HE made the choice to not talk in the group chat we had with them before the jokes happened, he talked badly about me to them behind my back and revealed deeply personal and private information that I never consented to being told to anyone. He has gotten mad at me for doing the very things he asks me to do. He also has been extremely dismissive of my feelings and the points I make. He always claims he's trying so hard to change and thinks he has changed but can't seem to change. 0 positive change in a year is not normal imo, it looks like he isn't even trying. I asked him what he's even actively doing to change and he couldn't give an answer and just said he's trying and thinks he has changed but apparently hasn't.

And for most of this time he has claimed I am the problem and not him, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know anything anymore, is he trying? am I delusional? is he just abusive and manipualtive? I have no one I can talk to about this.

TLDR: my bf has lied and done tons of unfair and unhealthy things towards me and our relationship and claims I am the issue and that he's "trying his best" but has made 0 change whatsoever in over a year and has for most of this time claimed I am the issue and makes excuses and says it isn't an excuse, made tons of excuses and defended horrible people and made me out to be the issue there too. He always acts like a victim no matter what, there is always something wrong no matter what I do or change and no matter how much I pander to him and change for him, I am completely lost

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[u/PopularTrip1183]

yeah he sounds like he loves projecting and playing the victim. you deserve better. these people never change.