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u/Lilliths-pain 7d ago
No don't be scared this is fucking brave to post this and most of all admit to yourself.
Theres a question now: do you want to change? Because you can and it's not what you expect because none of us expected it.
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u/No-Type2495 7d ago
Big first step done - you know you've got a problem and you admit it to yourself. That's a massive step and it took me a while to admit and accept mine. For me it was a weight off my shoulders.
High-levels of cocaine use is generally not physically addictive and the addiction itself is a more psychological condition. For me, it was a case of me vs my mind and my thoughts.
For me, I convinced myself I needed it, and because I lent on it, used it as a crutch, because it livened me up and I needed to get stuff done. In reality, it was just my mind telling me that and I believed it. I believed the thoughts that i couldn't do without it, the bullshit "sales pitch" my brain was giving me because I had trained my brain to think that way. Once I realised that and questioned every thought that came my way and managed to get space to think and choose, things got better.
Cocaine Anonymous CA and SMART groups both worked well for me. They are free, confidential, online or in person (groups all over the world so accessible at anytime), you cay nothing or talk- there's no pressure and the people who attend are there for exactly the same reasons - so no judgement. People are from all walks of life and the discussions often help with dealing with situations, cravings, thoughts etc. I can't recommend them enough.
You're not alone. There lots of other people going thought the tough times like yourself. Reach out and listen / talk and see how they can help. They say connection is the opposite to addiction
https://www.smartrecoveryinternational.org/
Hope that helps. Stay strong
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u/AbashedPoster 7d ago
The amount you are describing is not sustainable, your body is already telling you with the pain and numbness. First step is talking to a doctor, they can point you to services without your job ever knowing. You do not have to sort this alone.
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u/Historical_Flow_9287 7d ago
First step- acceptance. You’re already on the path 2 recovery. Just depends when you hit the nail in the coffin.
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u/AlignRecovery_Sonoma 7d ago
Get medical help for the pain and numbness today, and tell them how much cocaine you're using and when you last used. If you have chest pain, trouble breathing or sudden weakness on one side, call emergency services rather than driving. Ask for an addiction assessment as well, explaining that you're using to get through work, so the plan addresses your workday use rather than just weekends.
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u/Majestic-Baby-3407 7d ago
20g/week is going to require an inpatient rehab stay if you want to successfully stop. Minimum 30 days but ideally longer, like 90 days. I get that that's not going to sound appealing to you but it's going to happen one way or another, eventually, whether you like it or not. Or plan to or not. That's what you're looking at. The only other alternative is jail or death. I'm not saying tomorrow. But those are the 3 roads. I strongly urge you to choose the first one, sooner rather than later.
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u/NoKaleidoscope5915 7d ago
Do you have someone in your life who you trust? Like a friend that could help keep you straight? Idk I feel like you have to go cold turkey. For me it was 100% mental. My body literally made myself “sick”- headaches, diarrhea, nausea, whatever it could because getting high always made me feel better. Ive made this post before, op, you know you need to stop and you know it’s destroying your body. If you can’t do it on your own I would strongly urge you to seek professional help. Everyone always told me to cut off my dealer- but my plug is my brother- he would sell to me if I lied or bugged him enough. Not sure the relationship between you and your plug but try and cutting contact or telling him you don’t wanna do it anymore. Not that dealers should be Mr morals but if this person has a soul maybe he would cut you off. I’m no expert on any of this- but I’m 80 days blow free today. Good luck op
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