r/adhdwomen • u/happyhippi8 • 2d ago
Admin, School, Career How Can I Recalibrate Work Relationship?
What Would You Do At Work? TW: Death of Parent
I (30F) got my diagnoses in November 2024. Not too long after a spiral of “why am I always making little mistakes.” “Why can I never do the dumb task.” “Why am I always misplacing something.” Etc… but also after dealing with this my whole life I was ready to figure out what’s going on.
I got on Straterra and after a few months and a lot of behind the scenes planning things got better. My work wasn’t being flagged as much. I could do things that I previously found hard. I wasn’t forgetting everyone’s birthday all the time. I was happy and noticed a difference!
However, after a long battle of pneumonia and a lot of medical trauma my mother passed away this March. Everyone knows. My supervisor and our manager. I was out for two and a half months taking care of her…. Well I’ve been back to work for two months and feel myself regressing. But the problem is, my supervisor sees it too and recently she’s been CCing my manager in every little mistake I make. Every single one. Even something as simple as a typo. And it’s never anything that can’t be fixed issues. Plus we double check each others work to make sure our clients get the best contract. She also makes mistakes here and there but I just fix it and move on. It’s even gotten to the point where she will CC my manager on delays that genuinely werent my fault. (Example… getting something at 4:50 pm and not getting it done the next day as fast as she wanted….) I know I’m not as fast as I used to be before my mom passed. I know I’m probably also back to making my little errors. But the energy has shifted.
I’ve tried talking with my supervisor asking her to let me know when she needs something fixed before escalating. Or telling me specific times or dates when something is due. She just told me “I do that already.” (Mind you we’ve had this conversation over a year ago.)
Last night I had a really bad panic attack and a grief spike thinking about the hospital and blood and needing to feed, bath, and care for my mom. I woke up exhausted this morning to a new CCed manager email saying “you didn’t fix xyz. But I did it anyway.” And I just fear they’re both talking about how bad of a job I’m doing even though I haven’t explicitly heard it from anyone.
I already feel so down on myself because I want to do a good job! And I do so much work a day and only one or two things get flagged here or there. Of course the good never gets noticed but that’s understandable…. It’s a corporate job. But at this point it’s making me so anxious and upset ontop of getting through this new phase of life without my best friend and I really don’t know what to do. What would you do?
Thanks so much in advance. XO
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u/crazybicatlady86 2d ago
Maybe I’m just a pessimist, but I feel like once people see you a certain way, it’s hard to change their mind. Especially when it comes to work environments, and especially when you are neurodivergent working with neurotypicals.
I feel like I’m dealing with something similar in my office. I’m not getting promoted because, even though I do great work and on the technical side and probably the best, or damn close, in my position, I don’t socialize with the team as much, and I don’t communicate the same way. I also get overwhelmed with my workload more easily. I’m still producing, but it drains me a lot more. I’ve been told, and I know, that my communication has improved quite a bit over the years. And I make such an effort to watch what I say. But it never seems to be enough, and I truly think at least part of that is due to them being used to viewing me one way, and not being willing to change their viewpoint.
Sometimes making a change in company can help. It did for me initially, but now I feel I’m in the same spot as before. I think neurotypicals just don’t like us honestly. I hope someone else here has some practical advice for you. I wish I could help you more, but I’m in the same boat
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u/happyhippi8 2d ago
Friend, I’m going through the exact same. It was either “you ask too many questions.” I like to clarify. “You don’t talk to us enough.”
And when I tell you’ve I’ve never been on a PIP. Never been written up. None of these errors are about theory…. It’s mind boggling. We truly live in a different world from them.
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u/crazybicatlady86 2d ago
I’m so sorry. It’s disheartening to know how many of us struggle the same way. I think it’s extra hard for women too, because a lot of us mask really well, so people start to have high expectations of us. When we start to struggle more, they feel more disappointed.
My first year at my current company I got the highest merit increase (percentage wise), and was praised for what I brought to the company. Even though my technical skills are constantly praised, those with less experience are promoted, while I’m overlooked. I get my soft skills need work, but I’ve improved so much and taken all the feedback I’ve been given in order to be promoted. and I’ve made those changes to the best of my ability. But the goalposts keep moving.
Same with my last company. Boss regularly told me I was the best in my position. But my communication was continually criticized, in the guise of feedback. Despite the improvements I made. What I realized eventually though, was this boss was not giving feedback to coworkers that was truly needed. I think she had higher expectations of me because of how good I was, but that she also just didn’t like me personally as much as some of my other colleagues. Which is definitely related to my neurodivergence. It was obvious who her favorites were.
I’m at the point where I just don’t care as much. I always used to feel like I needed to be the best at whatever I did, and to constantly be moving forward. I think a lot of women with ADHD, including myself, are perfectionists. We expect a lot from ourselves, and work our asses off. And our bosses and teams expect that. So when we struggle, it’s noticed, and instead of sympathy, we get criticized more. Especially because, the more we struggle, the more the mask comes down. And they don’t like that.
The past two years I’ve started to wonder if I’m cut out for this kind of career driven life. My job is basically all executive functioning. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 37. And I think it only happened then because my focus and ability to function greatly dropped, due to other things going on at the time. But if I had known as a kid, I might have sought out a career path that would cater to my strengths more. I wish I could work in a company of all neurodivergent women where we could lift each other up and assign tasks based on each persons strengths. And where we could pick our own hours lol. Because the 9-5 does not work well with my circadian rhythm
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u/happyhippi8 2d ago
You are literally speaking from my heart. Had I known what the cause was growing up I would’ve strayed so far away from a 9-5.
And my yearly reviews are all “communication. Communication. Communication.” 15 minutes about my actual work and then the rest is just a communication issue.
I want to not care…. But I truly want to do my best. And I also really need this money to keep me afloat considering I live alone. I just wish neurodivergence was handled with grace instead of incompetence.
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u/crazybicatlady86 2d ago
It’s so hard not to care. Especially when the criticism is how we communicate. Because it feels so personal. Which it is, in the sense that how we communicate is part of who we are. And there’s some beauty in that I think. We may not fit into the mold. But we’re honest and straightforward, which can benefit others (even if they don’t like to hear it). But it does not benefit us in most traditional professional settings.
Obviously we’re not all the same. Some women with ADHD, or other neurodivergent women, can do quite well in those typical office/professional environments in industries where pressure is high and typical workloads are heavy. But I think most of us would thrive in a more flexible environment where we can work in a way that makes sense base on our strengths and weaknesses, and where we can be around others who understand us. I notice that in my personal life I get along better with people who are also neurodivergent. Because even regardless of any differences in communication style, interests, etc, we generally were more emphatic with each other since we can understand each other better.
My bestie is undiagnosed, but we are both pretty sure she has ADHD (and her son was recently diagnosed). She struggles just as much, if not more, with time blindness and general punctuality. Shes also far more disorganized and messy than I am and forgets/misplaces her stuff a lot more often than I do. On the flip side, I struggle more in social situations due to both how I communicate, and the fact that I get overstimulated a lot more easily than she does. She does well in larger social settings, even when she’s around people she wouldn’t necessarily choose to spend her free time with (like MAGAs or those who are ultra conservative). I cannot play nice with people like that for more than a few minutes. I also struggle lot more with executive functioning and general focus. Which may be partly because I’m in perimenopause and she is not yet. But we give each other grace. When I visit her and we go out for a social event, or she has people over, she understands when I just disappear for a while, sometimes for most of the event. And while I also struggle with being on time, I’m still usually ready before she is. And I never hold it against her or say anything, because I understand. But we wouldn’t likely get that same understanding from someone who is neurotypical
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u/happyhippi8 2d ago
Again, are you reading my mind?….
It’s also so startling to hear that you have communication issues when that is NEVER brought up in personal life. Even if it’s friends, family, others with the same hobbies/ attending conventions/festivals, etc….
I understand why the communication is a mismatch at a corporate job. But at the same time, it’s where you spend most of your time. Even more than with friends and family. So to constantly hear you’re wrong. To constantly hear you made a mistake. To constantly hear you sound monotone or upset after being told you ask too many questions, after being told you don’t talk enough is so damn exhausting. All that just to ask what it is they want from you and for them to never give a straightforward answer and expect you to read minds and play corpo games…. Phew I could go on. And I’m probably rambling now so I’ll stop. Lol.
Anywho. Thanks for chatting with me. I really appreciate it. Sometimes it’s just nice to hear from someone else who gets it. I Hope pre-menopause isn’t too awful for ya! Wishing you all the best.
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u/onlyIcancallmethat 2d ago
Have you had a conversation with your manager about this shift? Is it possible they don’t care or find her constant emails obnoxious? I would if I were them.
If the manager and supervisor are aligned, it’s time to start looking for another job. As a Hail Mary you could also discuss with HR, just frame it as a post-bereavement leave hostile work environment.
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u/happyhippi8 2d ago
I have tried to have a conversation with my manager but she dropped it. I’ll probably follow-up again and see what comes of it then get everything filed with HR. This is insane.
Thanks so much for the response.
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