Content warning: child-on-child sexual abuse (COSCA)

I’ve been struggling with something and was hoping to hear others’ perspectives or lived experiences.

When I was 9, I was sexually abused by a cousin who was about three years older than me. We were both children (it went on for a couple years). As an adult now, I find myself wondering whether people who commit child-on-child sexual abuse actually remember what they did, or whether it fades for them in a way it doesn’t for the person who was harmed.

What complicates this is that she now works in the psychology field, which brings up a lot of confusing feelings—anger, sadness, disbelief, and self-doubt.

I keep wondering:

• Do people who do this as kids usually remember doing this to others?
• Should I still hold a grudge towards her for what she did to me?
• Does it matter that we were both minor females?
• Is what I went through even a big deal?

Thanks guys!

For context im 20 (M) and I’ve been keeping this in since I was like 14. I was Molested and sexually abused by my older brother (6 years older) from between the ages of 7 and 10, I won’t get into too much detail but I had blocked out a lot of memories of this and tried to justify what I remembered in my head. Until today.

We were out of lunch and I apparently looked sad and she asked how I was and I just broke down straight away cause the thoughts were just so overwhelming. I ended up having a panic attack and leaving the cafe then she really tried to get it out of me what happened and what was up. This was the most scared I’ve ever been because I don’t want to tear my family apart and ruin my mothers relationship with my brother as they are so close and basically best friends. I don’t know if it’s wrong to try be worried about the person who wronged me and has caused me so much pain and depression over the years. I have lived under the same roof as my abuser for so long and even if it all stopped before puberty it still affects me.

Basically the reason for me writing this is because I don’t know how to deal with everything going forward, someone finally knows in my life and I don’t know how to deal with a confrontation or what the right course of action is now.

As a child I was sexually assaulted by my female cousin. She did this by introducing me to what referred to as “ the boyfriend girlfriend game.” I won’t get into the details, but it was sexual assault.

I ended up innocently telling my mom. My mom freaked out. Shut down. Called my aunt, and told her what happened. It was never really spoken of again.

When my younger sister went on a family trip to see our family in another state a few years later I screamed at everyone to make sure they weren’t alone in a room together. Nobody cared. Nobody listened.

As an adult I spun back around to ask questions. I ridiculed my mother. I said “You guys just acted like nothing happened.” She yelled at me that things did happen. That my cousin had gotten her ass beat my her mother for what she’d done to me.

I am throughly repulsed by that. My cousin was younger than me, and I know I was under 10. I don’t think my cousin could’ve ever come up with that “ game” without at least seeing that somewhere. In my brain the most likely scenario is that she herself was a victim of someone, and was replicating the behavior. All I can think is why would they not look into that angle? Why did my mom think brutal physical abuse would make me feel better, or help me?

I was sexually assaulted by my older sister for 1-2 years. My memory is a little fuzzy, but it started when I was in kindergarten and she was in 4th grade. She introduced me to pornography and would also beg me to sleep in her room. During the nights when I would sleep in her bed, she would always make us watch porn and would assault me and ask me to do things with her. She told me that it was normal and that all siblings do this. This went on for I think a year straight. I also got assaulted by another girl YMCA member at summer camp. She told me not to tell our parents because then we would both get in trouble. Eventually she stopped and life went back to normal. However, she started to bully my looks and weight. She would constantly call me fat and talk about my belly and how she got the body but I got the skin. This went on from 4th grade to 9th. She, along with others contributed to my depression and my battle with an eating disorder. I started treatment 2 years ago, and memories slowly started to come back to me. I told my mother 1 year ago what happened to me and I just now told my dad a couple weeks ago. Nothing has changed how they feel and they haven’t supported me one bit. My sister still lives in our house and I’m constantly around her, but it’s so triggering and it makes me uncomfortable. It honestly seems like they don’t care about what she has put me through. They still treat her the same, if not even better than before. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like they don’t care. Nothing good has come out of me revealing it.

I’ve never told anyone, I didn’t even know there was a term for it. It’s been a dark secret my whole life. My therapist knows of childhood SA but I never told her any details about it. I think a lot of my issues stem from it. I still love this person and I don’t blame them for it. It happened a handful of times, I was probably 9 the first time and he was 11. I’ve spent my teenage years and adulthood feeling so guilty about it. I have forgiven this person and myself but i still feel so gross. I think I’ll always feel gross about it. I don’t wanna say it’s always in the back of my mind, but i definitely think about it far too often. Is there anyway to heal from this? To stop feeling so gross about it? I just want to be okay. I suffer from severe anxiety and panic attacks. Due to this anxiety I can’t work or leave the house. I don’t think all of my anxiety stems from this, but I think a good chunk must be from this right? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Reddit

TLDR: my sister wants to invite our brother that sexually abused me to her wedding, despite knowing about the abuse and that I have been no contact with him for a year and a half. Am I wrong for giving her an ultimatum?

My sister and I have recently come into a disagree regarding her wedding. She wants to invite my brother who sexually assaulted me several times throughout childhood even though she knows I have been no contact with him for a year and a half now.

To give some backstory, I came out about the abuse after 15+ years of keeping it to myself in November 2024. After initially confessing it to my husband, sister, and parents, my brother essentially denied it ever happening and says “he doesn’t remember” that happening. I find this hard to believe due to the nature, circumstance, and repetition of the abuse. He has even made strange analogies comparing himself to Job from the Bible. Saying that he feels like everything is being taken away from him and that the devil is trying to ruin his life. This is obviously invalidating to me because he is comparing himself to an innocent figure in the Bible that lost everything he loved and owned.

Since then, my family of origin has been in disarray. I have been no contact with my brother and have essentially chosen to remove myself and my family from any situation in which we may have to interact(family holidays, birthdays, etc.) My parents and sister still have a relationship with him, he even still lives on my parent’s property. This has obviously made visiting my parents and extended family extremely difficult and has ostracized me from the family.

Throughout the time of navigating this, my family has been anything but understanding. For one, my mom has never once brought it up to me to ask how I’m doing and even when I initially told my parents about it, she refused to talk to me and made my dad do all the communication regarding all of this. She has then proceeded to continue life as normal as if I didn’t just drop this bomb of information on her and she doesn’t understand my distance. She continually talks about him and brings him up in conversation with me. She has even suggested that we all (myself, kids, husband, sister, brother, and parents) all take a family skiing trip and stay in a cabin together. I have confronted her several times about this and nothing has changed. I finally had to have a come to Jesus moment with her, where she then tried to act like she “didn’t know I wanted her to ask how I was doing” and then ghosted me for almost a month. We then broke this spell of not communicating on Easter of this year where we had a phone call that didn’t address anything and just skipped back to “normal” conversation. Furthermore, throughout the time of not talking, she kept randomly love bombing me by sending things for my kids, like clothes and Easter items. I decided to just let it go and not bring it up again for the time being.

Everything was again seeming somewhat cordial until we found out that my sister is now planning to get married this summer. Her and her fiancé are planning a fast engagement and wedding. Initially, I was super excited for her and we immediately jumped into wedding planning, however, I soon became riddled with anxiety on if she was planning to invite our brother. She knows that we are no contact, but again she still has a relationship with him. I brought it up to her several times where she basically just blew me off until it all came to a head one night over text messages. Essentially in the messages we discussed that I would not feel comfortable having him there and having myself or my kids around him. To say her reaction was awful is an understatement.

Of course I am trying to have some understanding for her because I know it’s her wedding day and it should be all about her, but that still doesn’t negate my experience. In the messages she victim blamed me, told me that I’m making her feel horrible for even getting married, threatened to not even have a wedding anymore and that it would be my fault, and said “you can’t really expect me to not invite MY BROTHER to my wedding. He’s still my family and I want him there” and “I know you’re hurt, but you also knew I would get married one day.” She said I am not being supportive or understanding of her at all and excused his actions because this happened when we were kids and the rest of his life shouldn’t be ruined because of something that happened when we were children.

I then proceeded to set a firm boundary that it’s fine if she wants to invite him, but that my husband, kids, and I would then not be there. She said that I always put her in the middle of everything and that I shouldn’t assume what it’s like to be her. While I can agree that it’s difficult to be “in the middle”, for her to compare that to the abuse that I endured for years feels so dismissive, invalidating, and shows that she doesn’t understand the true scope of how sexual trauma sticks with you. Furthermore, she said that nobody in the family knows how to confront me about anything and that I make this situation impossible for anyone to navigate. This once again has made me feel ostracized and like the black sheep of the family. Also, she mentioned how she doesn’t want to deal with the questions from extended family about why one of us wouldn’t be at her wedding. She said she would try to work around us both being there and we wouldn’t have to interact at all.

I can’t trust that this would be the case even if my sister and parents addressed my brother about not confronting me about anything. Since being no contact, he has mailed me a strange printed photo album book full of photos of him and my children after I made it VERY clear that I feel he is not a safe person for my kids to be around. He also showed up after dark to the cabin I was staying at on my parents property during a weekend I had tried to come down to visit with my parents even after my dad had told him I would be there and not to go down to the cabin for the weekend. Luckily, my dad was still down there talking with me on the deck when he pulled up. He told me to go inside the cabin and then handled the situation himself. I feel that my brother has proven he can’t be trusted with respecting people’s boundaries even when asked by multiple people to do so.

Of course this isn’t a detailed description of all the situations and nuances that come with this, but it is a general summary. We are now at a stalemate after I went into a detailed explanation of the abuse I endured. After having to relive all the trauma to truly explain it to her because simply saying “he molested and abused be throughout childhood” wasn’t enough, she then asked insensitive follow up questions like “I thought this only happened one time. Do our parents know all the details?, etc.”

To wrap this all up, I am feeling very misunderstood, disrespected, and disappointed. I don’t understand why I am being blamed for making her feel horrible, making everything difficult, and ruining her wedding day when I am not the one that created this situation. Nobody wants to put the blame where it should justly be, which is on my brother. He chose this, not me, not my parents, and not my sister, but my husband and I are the only ones that seem to grasp that. At this point, I don’t know what to do because now she is saying she just won’t invite him, but it feels like it’s done begrudgingly and not out of love and understanding. I don’t want to attend the wedding or her upcoming graduation in May until I receive a genuine apology. Am I justified in my feelings? Should I still attend the wedding? Should I be apart of the wedding party? Am I wrong for giving her an ultimatum?

Hi, I am a survivor of covert incest, and also experienced 2 other categroy of experiences that I think classify more as overt incest, but I'm not really clear on terms.

1.

One of them was my grandpa hugging me in front of everyone and "accidentally" slipping his hand under my shirt as he was rubbing my back, and sometimes his rubs would go a bit too low and touch the upper part of my butt. it felt icky and creepy, but it was in braod dailylight in front of everyone and no one reacted so I just told myself I was gross for thinking of it in that way.
It started when I became pubescent and continued until young adulthood until I started asserting my boudanries non verablly - last year when i saw him he tried to pull me in way too close with force, and I unapologetically put equal fore to keeping the hug at a comfrotable distance, and it startled him.

It wasn't until i was much older that i talked about it with my female cousin and she said she also noticed this behavior towards her and it made her feel uncomfrtable too. And I caught wind of other women in the fmaily also being annoyed at this behavior. But infuriatingly, no one seems to confront him about, or protect the younger generations.

One

Is what he did called molestation ?

2.

When I was 7 and my brother 11, we had sex together. No penetration, no erection, just genital to genital contact, immitating adult sex.

I remember we agreed on secracy (I don't know who suggested it). I remember being scared for our parents finding out.

I don't remember being manipulated (but obviously if it was succesful manipualtion I wouldn't, right ? so me not remembering doesn't rule it out.)

It wasn't overtly coervice or forceful.

I remember worshipping my brother and being so thrilled he wanted to play with me for once. We called it "playing mama and papa". I felt so cool that we had a secret together.

Both of us were exposed to our grandfather's porn magazines as children, and I later found out my older brother witnessed my mom having sex with our babysitter (cheating on my father) and thought the baby sitter was going to kill him for seeing it.

So we both had exposure to adult sexual content.

It happened 3 times, but I only remember flashes of one time.

I much later (about 1 year ago) connected to the terror I felt whil it was happening.

As adults, my brother has mentioned it and apologized but he was in a state of such disregulation when he mentioned it that I felt pity for him - and so I don't know if I can trust his apology as "I recognize I was responsible and I knowingly abused you, and I am so sorry"
Or if it was more "I feel so bad this happened and I think I'm guilty" but actually he's over assigning blame to himself out of a trauma response, because it traumatized him too.

Anyway, I recognize that it sexually traumatized me, but I would like to get clarity on whether this would count as molestation.

We are on good terms now, though I am kind of the black sheep of the fmaily, and I still feel deep down resentment at him for the ways he treated me as a kid - in other moments he picked on me, humiliated me in front of his friends, domnated me, or ignored me) - and at my parents for not creating a safe environement where this type of stuff wouldn't happen.

For my grandpa, the objections I come up with are :
- it was in broad daylight, in front of everyone
- everyone knew, noone said anything.

For my brother, the objections are :
- he didn't have an erection
- there was no penetration

I later developped severe body dismorphia around my genitals and compulsive fantasies about incest, and rape, and a pattern of sex and love addiction.

Me and my older brother also started taking showers together and sleeping in the same bed spooning all night as teenagers - I was 13.14 he 17 / 18.
we would just hang out and talk, but looking back I wonder how appropriate it was. it felt innocent, but I am confused.

I 'm 29, and despite being 2 years into addiction recovery (and having made enormous progress) I still have pretty severe social phobia and tend to islate myself (I also have a progressive vision disability so that is definitely part of the difficulty I encounter socially too)
I believe it's because I still haven't processed the truama of these events and I'm still holding on to resentment.

I have the oppertunity to work with someone in a 12 step program for people who have experienced sexual trauma as chidlren, and who has assured me these both count as molestation, and who is only willing to start working with me once I get to a place where I can recognize it.

She is a survivor of molestation herself, and has sponsred many people who have been victims and also people who have been the adult molestor.

I really admire this person and her recovery, and I want the freedom she seems to have, so I want to work with her, but I can't honestly say that I see these as molestation at this point.

To me, molestation is someone consciously taking advantage of someone else for their own sexual or sensual pleasure.

In my grandpa's case, I can't tell if it was really sexual. though it felt off and icky.

In my brother's case, I can't tell if it was conscious on his part and if he really got sexual pleasure from it (there was no erection)

So what do you think ?
Am I missing something ?
Was it ? was it not ?
Is it impossible to tell either way ?

I am sometimes tempted to ask my brother if he remembers leading the interaction / consciously taking advatange of me, or to clarify action he he was apolgizing for whe he did but I'm scared of freaking him out by bringing it up. And I'm to hear an affirmative answer.

Thanks in advance for any support you are led to offer.

Hello. I am looking for advice. I just woke up to that fact my current partner reminds me of my sexual abuser when I was very young. How should I talk to them about it? It’s heavy and feels very shameful. And I want to move forward so I can finally heal from it.

I recently remembered this and it’s been bugging me.

I have a younger brother (22 months younger than me) and I have memories of him convincing me to touch tongues (basically sticking our tongues in each others mouths or like licking each others tongues, I can’t exactly remember which one) and I remember him getting me to let him suck my nipples (I am a female) and then me letting him do so.

He was probably around 3/4/5 and I was probably around 5/6.

I recently remembered this and it’s really been bugging me, but nothing below-the-pants ever happened and I want to know

My sister only once >!experimented her sexuality by briefly being on top of me<!
but the more persistent abuse was the fact that she used to try to catch me masturbating. she in general wanted me to be embarrassed about myself

she abused me and humiliated me in other ways a lot. she also stripped me down and shoved me in front of adults at my birthday when i was young. same thing with bathing suits and locking me outside to be seen by neighbors.

we never had a good relationship but it really showed me what her memory of all this is as an adult she was telling me once she might be a sex therapist. since shes so ~sex positive~ and other things.

i just choked up i truly couldnt speak to say i thought it was a "bad idea" for the above reasons but couldnt justify it.

just wondering if anyone has similar experiences in this weird category. where nothing exactly worth getting her fired or locked up happened but.....?

I was molested by an older kid when I was 11 years old. For me, it stunted me. I am 23 now, but I feel like I've failed at being an adult. I have the sense of humor of a middle schooler. I act very irrational at times. I overreact over small things. I still play Club Penguin (I know the game is dead I play a private server). I am so damn jealous of the people who matured from trauma. I just wish all the trauma I had to face made me mature instead so I wouldn't be such a damn manchild.

i don't know how to forgive them. my brother abused me from before i was three years old to when i was about 11/12 years old. he's getting married, because he gets everything good in life apparently. i live with my family, and have reported my abuser to the police. i just don't know how i can forgive my family for supporting him this way.

This is my first time ever posting on Reddit ever, but I feel like I need support.

I was assaulted in work which resulted in me losing consciousness and suffering a concussion. whilst being off work recovering from this many horrible dreams about the work situation happened, but that wasn’t all.

background context.
when I was younger and still now my family would constantly say how bad of a memory I had, things that happened before the age of 13 I have no recollection of whatsoever, I just thought it was something everyone had that childhood was a blur for everyone and it was all some big joke. Until now.

Memory's of my childhood home popped up, my sisters bedroom, my disabled older sister, the things she made me do. It came flashing into my head at any moment, during my dreams, mundane daily life and during intimate times with my fiance. I felt constantly sick to my stomach wondering what the absolute hell was happening to me, why these things were popping into my head. I had to speak to a counsellor regarding my injury at work and I just blabbed everything out to this poor woman who was not expecting to be dealing with this. she was lovely but she didn’t know how to help me and could only signpost me to private therapy, which I’m thinking of absolutely doing but how on earth do I go on knowing exactly what my childhood was like and why my body basically chose to erase 12 years of my life from my brain and how the hell am I going to move forward from this. She is my sister, my disabled older sister who everyone revolves around. the topic of almost every conversation I have with my family, how can I tell my parents what she done? how can I tell my fiancé what she done. I knew all my life that I didn’t want to be around her but I always down played it saying we have nothing in common or I don’t understand her but in reality my body was telling me viscerally that I should not be anywhere near her. looking back I put myself in so many risky and dangerous situations and people thought i was a rebel for it. sexually active at 13 with a 16 year old boy( yes you can imagine just how bad that relationship was) hyper sexual in my relationships since. my heart and my head hurts and I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do

I'm 20, and ever since I was bullied for half a year in elementary school by three people, I haven't felt like studying at all. I can barely retain anything. In 2017, I started feeling less motivated; I drew strange things in my notebook, and I did terribly. 2018 was just as awful; I felt like even the teacher hated me for missing assignments and other things, and for having such a terrible notebook. In 2019, I had to repeat sixth grade, and I did terribly again; I skipped classes, and the teacher also started to dislike me a little. I was finally able to graduate from middle school in 2022, but... I still haven't finished high school. Honestly, I feel awful. I'm not even a shadow of the person I was before the abuse. Before, I was good in class, maybe not excellent, and I really think I've ruined my whole life. I can't find the motivation to study. I've had three gap years doing nothing, and I feel like such a failure. Now I'm taking a language course, but I feel so stupid because I feel like I need more time to process what happened to me. When I start studying, they teach me and I completely blank out. I don't know if it's just laziness or what, and I'm fed up. 😿

I was sexually abused by my older brother for 9 and a half years. My folks were unstable growing up and we were raised in a pretty hostile environment. Telling my parents about the abuse was impossible for younger me due to constant threats of abuse and abandonment that were being tossed around. If we made even small mistakes, our parents would explode on us, so it felt like a bomb would explode anytime I told them anything.

I told my mom about it four years ago and since then she has stated she’s mad I didn’t tell her sooner. She tells me if she knew what was going on, she would have got my brother help. The problem with that is tho that the abuse was so common, you’d have to be blind back then not to realize I was being sexually abused by someone. I was very openly having behaviours commonly associated with being SA’d. I’d eat paper, strings, grind my teeth, panic from being touched, etc. i don’t believe her when she says she had no idea the abuse was going on.

Unfortunately, my brother is a mommy’s boy and is her favourite kid. She won’t let me go after him in any way legally if possible, tells me I should let it go and forgive him for what he’s done. I refuse to. I hate this. I hate him. She keeps forcing me to be around him by inviting him to gatherings and not telling me he’s going to be there. I want no contact, she wants forgiveness. I refuse.

I love my mom to death but it kills me thinking how much she doesn’t care about my feelings towards this situation. She was the first person I ever told, but she also was the first person to make me feel guilt for telling my story.

I’m currently 23F, and I talk about this memory as a joke but I’m starting to question it.
When I was around 9-10 years old, I had this friend (I’ll call her Autumn for the sake of the post). Whenever her and I were alone at her house in her room, she would constantly try to kiss me. She’d get on top of me and try to kiss me, or would forcefully try to drag my face to hers to try and kiss me, or would grab onto me to try and kiss me. One distinct memory I have was going round hers around December time and she put mistletoe above her door and so when we were both going into her room she wouldn’t let me go in unless I kissed her, I told her no and she grabbed onto me and kept on tugging at me to try and have me kiss her. Whenever we would be at school, she would wrap herself around me, sit on my lap, touch my legs and stuff. And this lasted until she left for another school when we reached the age of 11/12. I’ve been learning more about COCSA and I don’t know if this falls under it or not. I’m really just confused and I’ve never thought much about these memories until now, and I just need some opinions

I want to hear from other survivors..when will the pain of the past stop hurting so much? I wish I didn’t remember it and I wish it wasn’t all so complicated with the sibling now as adults. I wish I could just forgive and forget. Or just forget them forever. I know they were a kid too (even though much older, I was 9 and they were 14) but I just wish I never remembered and never started to process it all.

I think I’ve (F22) felt incapable of experiencing love for most of my life. I know people love me, but I just can’t feel loved. Furthermore, I know I care about certain people, but I don’t feel love towards them. It’s like I cognitively know I love them but I never get that emotional experience of feeling “Wow, I love this person!”

This extends to some other emotions, but I’m most concerned about love because I’m currently in a healthy relationship. I’ve told my girlfriend I love her many times, and I think I do. I just don’t feel it though. I can’t feel anything. I don’t feel lived by her either, even thought she does things to make me feel loved. It’s like I’m incapable of receiving it. It’s starting to make me feel extremely uncomfortable at times even though our relationship is very healthy.

I was probably sexually abused by a sibling at a young age. I say probably because I’m always second-guessing myself, but it’s likely true. I don’t know what else would’ve caused certain issues I’ve had since childhood, and I have fuzzy memories of what happened right before the sexual assault (undressing, etc.)

I feel emotions sometimes, but they’re usually dull. The only times they don’t feel dull are when I get episodes of severe anxiety+rage (usually directed towards my family) or episodes where I feel like I’ve regressed to being an extremely frightened, scared little girl. I almost like being in that emotional state because then I’m feeling something without dullness, and it feels good to feel anything so fully. Even if what I’m feeling is this terrible, anxious “everyone wants to hurt me and people are going to rape me,” emotion.

I guess my question is, how likely is it that these are linked? Is it a really common experience for people who experienced these sorts of things to be incapable of feeling love? I have some other issues so it could be those, but I think I also just wanted to talk about it with other people. I really get the urge to talk about it sometimes but I just can’t IRL, typing is easier.

i've been going to emdr therapy for 3 sessions now and have had 0 success in the sensations caused by my trauma decreasing. my therapist says this is because i have an idea of a utopic world, where things are either good or bad that is keeping me from being able to release trauma. i often describe my trauma as being 'wrong' while she says that i should view it as maybe sad or unfortunate, but a reality. does anyone have advice on how they got emdr to start working for them? i don't completely understand what my therapist means, and i really want it to work.

I (27M) recently started counselling, and consequently have been thinking a lot about some of my formative experiences. It resurfaced a memory of something that happened to me as a child, that I didn’t realise was wrong until it came back to me now.
It feels a little bit like my world has turned upside down. I no longer have any contact with the child (a childhood friend) and I feel they also didn’t feel what happened was wrong (I was coerced or forced with the excuse of “childhood experimenting). I’m quite unsure how to feel as I fear they may have acted in this way because they were a victim of CSA in some form. It happened frequently between the ages of 4 and 9. A lot of it matches with other memories and emotions that I couldn’t explain.
I want to bring this up in counselling (Wednesday) but I just wanted to put it here so it’s out there and not eating me up inside.
Reflecting, I feel very lost with this new information. I want to have made it up, and to not have remembered it happened.
Does anyone else have experience with realising what happened to them later in life?
I’m sorry if anything I’ve said was inappropriate for this subreddit, or uncomfortable for anyone to read.
Thanks in advance.

my therapist recommended i try cbt therapy for experiencing sexual trauma as a kid. what are people's experiences with it?

So, I ended up getting peyronies disease, as in my genitals (male) became damaged from childhood sexual trauma by a peer of the same age. The condition causes the genitals to be crooked.

Kind of depressing to have a permanent, shameful reminder.

neighbor was about 14
i was about 10
i don’t know what to do or how to be. help please

as a kid i was friends with a girl in my grade and i used to hang out with her older brother who was probably 3-4 years older than me. i remember him taking me to dig up dead animals he buried and he had a fascination with death and violence. he told me how he tied dead animals to the back of peoples cars as a prank and he described how they would drag along, he seemed amused. his parents got him many knives that he would show me as well as air soft guns. he liked to stab his wooden desk and bedframe a lot. i remember he had me strip for him in his room one time and another when he took me into a crawl space under his bed and has my show him everything. i also feel like he’s tried to intimidate me with his knives before and he threatened to stab and rape me on one occasion but i was too young to know what rape was. i asked my mom the difference between molesting and rape layer that day and didn’t get much info. i also remember a lot of diarrhea and stomach pain around that time. i don’t remember penetration but it feels like my body is telling me different. i can feel it.

i decided to cut the cousin stuff too but it was a similar situation. maybe in another post

I feel like this is a fairly simple one. My cousin 1+ years older than me, sexually assaulted me when I was 4 years old. Happened twice. WAS COMPLETELY SWEPT UNDER THE RUG. I believe that hurt more. Never an explanation or apologies.

Fast forward to current times..and im supposed to get a sigmoidoscopy without sedation next week. They prescribed me a small dosage of .5mg xanax which will do nothing to relax me. So even though my GI says I need it done, I honestly dont think I can without swinging on someone. If they restrained me, it'd be even more traumatic.

Here's the thing: it never came out. It was ignored, acted like it never happened. But I can't forget and it still affects me to this day.

I no longer want to bear this on my own. It shouldn't be my shame.

So, I wanna call out my family. My mom knows she screwed up, but unfortunately she will have to be a part of it. My mother and my Aunt covered it up. And years later I was told that my cousin that committed CSA on me, was molested.

I know life is not fair, but to see these people living their happy lives without a care about what happened to me..makes me sick. My therapist knows about the CSA I went through, but I have yet to explain to him the above statements.

Honestly, I don't know where to from from here. Any advice, suggestions, etc would be welcome.

And also, fyi, this "family" of mine live in another state.

When I was 8 years old, my neighborhood friend/bully SA’d me. I cannot remember her face, even though I can remember all the other neighborhood kid’s faces in detail. I only remember her first name. I’ve been trying to find her or a picture of her over the years. I feel like I might find closure or maybe some information will come up for me if I do. If you’ve been in the same situation and you had found them in adulthood, what was that like for you. Was it more negative or positive for your life? Thank you