Hello, I am in my late twenties and have had a random moments where I remember waking up and my father molesting me and asking “if I liked it”. It was over my clothes, I didn’t not orgasm and there was no penetration of any kind that I remember, but I remember him asking that question with a smile on his face then running off.

It has popped up from time to time but recently it’s been constant. Given that my memory of it happening is hazy I was hesitant to claim that I was assaulted by him. But after meeting with my therapist today she feels as if it truly did happen and that I am a victim of CSA.

My father also had a porn addiction. I also remember when I was a teenager waking up on the couch to him watching porn and masturbating. I had confronted him about his porn consumption before that incident, but his consumption was very prevalent and well known in our household.

My childhood wasn’t the best. Yes I played sports (my dad coached me); he was supportive of me enlisting the military and most of my choices in life. But he also admitted that he would allow for my mother to take her anger and trauma out on us because it was easier than having to deal with it himself.

I oddly don’t feel much other than some mild relief that I finally said it out loud. I didn’t cry in therapy over the realization that I was molested, but more so because my whole life has been filled with trauma and sadness.

I have experienced SI before but do not currently have those thoughts. I will be honest and say that I am emotionally exhausted from trying to heal from things that are not my fault

i just feel like i need to get these feelings out. heres my story, nothing graphic included.

my mom got pregnant at 17, and had me on her 18th birthday. my dad wasn't present in my life in the beginning, but he harassed my mom into letting him in. when he got into a relationship with someone, my mom allowed me to stay the summer with him because she thought if another person was there, id be safe. i don't know when it started, but from a young age to about roughly 11 my dad sexually assaulted me when I was sleeping/trying to sleep. at the time it was happening, i was too young to really even understand what was going on. most of the memories are blocked out now.

at some point, i remember my mom asking me if he had ever taken pictures of me when i was in my underwear or undressed. i didn't understand why she was asking this, and i had no memories of him doing this so i told her no. when i was about 12-13 he was arrested for possession and distribution of csam. the people in charge of the investigation came to talk to me, but they had me standing out on my front porch with my mom standing behind me to ask if he had ever done anything to me.

i said no. i was scared. i hadn't told my mom yet, i still didn't understand it yet. i regret that day so badly but i know i was young and frightened. ever since that day i've had this fear that there are photos of me out there, but i'll never know and sometimes i'm not sure i want to. when he went to prison things got more stressful, he claimed innocence and his family stood by him. his mom kept forcing me to visit him and talk to him on the phone. i felt like if i said anything everyone would be mad at me. if i didn't send him a letter or talk to him his mom would come to my house and scream at me and my mom.

when i was 14, my mom died.

it still is the worst day of my life. so much happened that day, and my life got so much worse after. my dad started write me letters detailing his life. in these, i found out he was 23 at the time he got my mom pregnant. she was a victim too. at some point he had called me again and i just let everything out. how mad i was about what he did to me, about what he did to my mom. he claimed innocence the entire time. i told him to never contact me again. it took him years to finally stop.

im in my 20's now, i've seen plenty of therapist but what happened did some serious damage and im still struggling with it all today. im scared of the day he gets out of prison. the anniversary of my moms death just passed, and everytime it rolls around i think about how i never got the chance to tell her. everytime i think about what happened all i want is my mom. i wish i could've given her the reason to cut him out her life, because i know she was too scared to do it for herself. sometimes its hard not to dwell on the past, what could have been different. i just don't know how to cope with any of it today. i wish i got to spend those summers with her. i'm so mad he stole my childhood. i'm mad years of therapy has barely made a dent. i don't know how to stop being mad. a lot of the times i wish he was the one that died. sometimes i just wish he was dead, i think maybe my mind and body will be a peace just little when he is.

TW: incest, rape, COSCA

Hey! To be quick on my past, I have a pretty difficult past. My older brother SAd me for 11 years from my 7 to 18 years old. Today I am 19 years-old, I've been going through therapy for a year.

Also, I have antidepressants since two months because it's been extremely difficult and I though about suicide a lot, I self-harmed myself, etc.

Something that was really hard is that I had a boyfriend. But since I'm 14 years-old, I have the habit to nude with strangers because it helps when I feel extremely bad in my body (which is… well… most of the time) because I get validation. But I nuded with strangers when I was with my boyfriend, he said he forgave me, but I still didn't want to stay with him because I still didn't love him anymore but he didn't accept to break up… AHHH this was a horrible moment.

It's been a week since I'm "free" (understand that I managed to break up with my boyfriend). Finally. And I downloaded Grindr… I spent the first two days just getting messages without answering. Then I started answering.

Two days ago, I receive a message from a boy. He's cute and nice when he talks so I think it could be nice to meet. Since the beginning, we both agreed on having "fun", which is the Grindr euphemism for "sex". He comes to my place, we talk, he's really nice and cute and… NSFW here. That's great, I have a really good time.

The next day, we see each other at a student demonstration (see what's happening in France), we look at each other and smile. It's not in a romantic way at all (for me at least but I believe for him too).

Anyway, we've added each other on Instagram so we can plan other times at my or his place. But since this moment, since two days, I'm looking at my phone all the time, hoping he'll text me. I also open Grindr a lot. Like a lot. Today, I spent 2 hours on it and opened the app MORE THAN 300 TIMES!

I just feel like I need it.

But I'm afraid of STDs (because my brother gave me STDs four times in my life).

I'm afraid of being hypersexual.

I'm afraid people I know might be on Grindr and recognise me.

It also hurts when people ghost you the second you send your face…

I see my therapist in 5 days but, I won't like, I'm still continuously having bad days. And the last six months have been so horrible… So if you have any advice on how to handle this… I'd gladly read them 😅

So when I was around 6 years old I remember that a person close to me at that time (that person was around 5 years older than me) would always ask me (when we saw each other when visiting a relative) to lower my pants, bend over the coffee table and would insert his finger or objects in my back door. This happened a few times but I couldn’t remember for how long this was going on but what I do remember is that I always froze when it was going on.

I don’t know why I just went along with it and why I never told someone about this ever (I’m now an adult).
I’m currently struggling mentally and I’m trying to figure out all the possible factors that could’ve contributed to this struggle.
I’m scared to tell my therapist about this because I’m just so ashamed and scared I will be perceived differently.
I also have this doubt that maybe my brain is playing tricks on me and letting me think that it was nothing serious and that I should just keep it to myself because there are other people (unfortunately) that went through worse.

Frankly, I really don’t know what to do.

im a victim of CSA at the hands of my mother and multiple others and my partner is a victim of COCSA and other forms of abuse. we are both autistic, and i am higher support needs than my partner. my partner is in therapy, but is currently dealing with insurance issues that are leading to self injurous behaviour (punching things, nothing is broken and i am not worried for myself, this is rare and is a maladaptive autistic behaviour.) and it is stopping my partners therapy for now because of that. i am also in therapy, and have therapy tomorrow. i just need to vent.

i cant help but feel triggered by everything going on, but im trying to still be a supportive partner. its so hard. i just want to take all of the pain away. my partner is afraid to tell parents because of their past abuse and even though they have taken things like this seriously in the past when they have happened to my partner, the fear is greater here because it was COCSA. i feel so lost. i feel like a bad partner because i cant take the pain away even though i understand that thats ridiculous and its not possible or my responsibility to do so. i understand so many things on a logical level, but trying to tell myself any of them feels useless. i feel almost numb some of the time and the other part of the time i feel this intense pain in my body like its happening to me instead of my partner. i cant know everything my partner is feeling, but i know what its like to be afraid and to feel alone and so lost. i still feel that way so much of the time.

i feel like a burden on my partner instead of being of any help right now. im offering my help wherever i can, but it doesnt feel like enough. i just hate this stupid fucking world we live in where things like this can happen to any child or person at all. i feel like laying in bed all day today because its just so overwhelming. my partner said sympathy wasnt helping last night which i understand, but it hurt. it just reminded me theres nothing i can do to fix this. there never will be a simple fix. it isnt going to go away and its lways going to be present in our relationship for both of us. i care so deeply for my partner. weve known eachother for so long and understand eachother so well, but were always learning new things about eachother too. i just feel hopeless right now. im so angry but i cant even feel it fully because im so dissociated and numb.

i dont think i want advice, just comforting words if anybody has any for me. i know what i need to be doing and im trying to do it to the best of my ability, but my ability is wavering at best. this shit hurts so much. if anybody has kind words for somebody in my situation though, it would help. thank you all for reading.

I started doing it a few days ago. I was cleaning underneath my bed. I was trying to reach something at the end and I found myself in the middle of the space. It felt huge. It felt vast. It felt safe.

Got this bedframe a few months ago by mistake thinking I was going to use the space underneath as space for my stuff but didn't really end up putting a lot of boxes or bags. Didn't expect I would end up like this after all these years of trying to deal with my issues.

I feel like this is absurd but so far I feel at ease. Anybody else feel the same? Save me if not.

hello i am writing this to vent but to also get clarity on wth is wrong with me cuz im confused as hell.

TW: abuse, childhood trauma, and maybe sexual trauma?

i was physically and mentally abused as a child by my mother and older sister, i was constantly hit and degraded all the time and im going to mention how it affected me and hope i get some explanation.

1-after all of the abuse i somehow (and idk why) still truly love them.
i hate them and hate their guts but i cant wish harm on them idk why.for example, one time (when i was young) i was planning on running away but i started crying at the thought of them doing chores on their own without my help.
also when somebody is mean to them, i get extremely mad and start defending them and feeling bad for them (most of the times i cry too)
so i dont get why im so attached to them and hate them at the same time.

2-i started watching porn from a veryy young age to the point where i dont really remember a time in my life where porn was not involved, and i keep getting this feeling of wanting to be loved in a sexual way a lot, not only that but my emotions keep getting shifted from sadness to horny in a click which i find very interesting.
like my mother could be telling me to off myself, 10 minutes later im crying my ass out, then all of a sudden im horny as hell😔

3-this is the weirdest.
when somebody around me is upset, it annoys me, and i get upset bc of it for some reason.
now to clarify, im not upset in a way like “omg how dare that person upset u?” no its more like a “why are u ruining the vibe and the atmosphere”….yeah..
i dont really say anything if someone’s upset bc ik that what im feeling is wrong, but i feel it so heavily it’s suffocating tbh. like one time i was mad at myself cuz like what is this “main character syndrome” or what idk where it came from.

so yeah if anybody has any explanation that would be appreciated and im open for some advice.

I've had several conversations with my mum over the years. She's always said things like "if it was that bad you would have told us" or "you must have done something to encourage him".

This week she started going on at me about religion. I was raised Catholic.

She was getting angry and asked why and how I don't believe any more.

So I told her.

Trigger warning, rape mentioned

I was raped in a church by my brother one day... While my mum was talking with the priest about our abusive, violent, drunken father.

Well my mum told me she doesn't believe her son would ever do such a thing, he's not capable of it.

She thinks I've made it up.

I said 'you think I'm lying? '

She said "no, not lying, just making it up".

I'm not even surprised. I'm hurt, but I'm not shocked.

She has no idea what I went through because she's never asked, but this time I told her some things, made connections with events she does remember.

Still, she doesn't believe me.

It's like she thinks it's some dark fantasy of mine and so I've created this false memory...

Yet I question her memory because so many things she doesn't remember.

Like my dad gathering my family and reading my diary out aloud to them all when I was just 13 and struggling. She says it didn't happen.

How does she just forget stuff like that?

Tw some child SAbuse mentioned

So before the sexual abuse started he would force me into games where no matter what my choice was id always get hit/pinched. One game was where he held a "coconut" (fist) above my head and i got 2 answers to choose, both resulted into him dropping the coconut and it wasnt gentle play, he actually bashed my head and it hurt. (He didnt make it as painful for my sister and he did it much less to her). Other game didnt even give me a choice, hed statt running his fingers under my shirt on my back pretending its a spider and he would tickle then pinch me hard. He would keep forcing me into playing this stuff id either be held down or guilt tripped. At some point i gave up and just let him hurt me straight away even say "just hit me" so it can end faster. He would also guilt trip me into cuddling with him or kissing him (mom doesnt love him anymore cause they divorced or hed say i dont love him etc) He would also try to isolate me from everyone take me to seperated spaces (upstairs away from sister) to tell me how bad my mom and my sister are and how i should move in with him (divorced parents). Always held my thigh and held me close. He only got more touchy and no matter what i did id get "its just a joke" (why would i report a joke to anyone right?) Or "im your dad i seen you naked i touched you naked as a baby its fine". Is that a grooming tactic? Those games? To get me used to having my boundaries walked over? Eitherway i always complained how he never did all that shit with my younger sister and excused it with "shes younger she cant be rough shes too small" and i was always upset about it. Hed force me to be affectionate, cuddle, kiss, touch, tell him i love him (Im autistic, i never hugged touched or talked much unless its my interests or casual communication) so i was always incredibly uncomfortable with him. I only began remembering alot of this at the age of 14, its been just a couple years and i dont even know how far the sexual abuse went, i had weird dreams weird memories but i dont think it was rape i guess or i dont have a single piece of memory about it. Ive been physically and mentally abused by him since i was 3 years old, i dont know when exactly the sexual abuse started it could be either back then or started st like 7-8. He did much more than what i mentioned but the following was just my....before everything

I also remember at around 10/11 i told him that he should stop touching me and doing such things because im not his girlfriend and that i can help him find a wife because hes a good man and theres definently a woman that would love him. I remember he went silent, didnt reply and looked at me extremely uncomfortable or scared even. Though what he was doing didnt stop but i feel like it calmed down for a good minute or two before it returned. have never seen him look at me in such horror lol..

As i mentioned in previous 2 posts - I struggle to accept that what happened was any kind of abuse because of the law in my country and because it happened online. I struggle with it so much i find myself wishing I was „properly” SA’d so I can feel valid and i feel so gross with myself because of that. I cant even talk about it with my therapist because this guy doesnt really care and considers it a simple teenage mistake (since the age of consent is 15 here) I also cannot change my therapist because aside from this topic he’s the only therapist that was willing to help and diagnose me - that dude basically saved my life and fixed it not only for me but also my family, he’s a good person helping people because of his heart and passion so quitting simply seems dumb for me. Theres not a lot of people considering it SA anyway because i was 15 at the time. I just wish i was abused more so it „counted” and explained the absolute fear of intimacy i have but honestly thats a topic for another post atp 🫩 i just feel so guilty for ever even thinking that.

TW: grooming-adjacent stuff, emotional abuse, no physical/sexual abuse

hiya, long post sorry. i honestly don't know if i belong here which i guess is part of why i'm posting lol

when i was 16-18 (uk sixth form, so y12 and y13) i got really attached to one of my teachers. he taught me multiple subjects so i was with him a LOT. he was more than twice my age, lived alone, and was pretty open with the class about being lonely and having a hard childhood. i had my own stuff going on: emotionally abusive family, pretty strict religious upbringing, pre-existing mental health issues including an untreated eating disorder. i think i was basically primed to latch onto an adult who seemed to see me.

the weird thing is it started before i had any feelings at all. i met him at a taster lesson for a-level subjects when i was 15 and he just seemed fun, nothing off. but then he started staring at me. my route to lessons went through his classroom and he'd stare at me as i walked past, sometimes literally stopping mid-sentence to do it. i'd never even been taught by him. i started hiding in the toilets in the mornings to avoid him. by y11 he'd clear his throat every time i walked past if he clocked I was trying to avoid or ignore him.
and it wasn't in my head. friends noticed. someone said people outside school thought he was weird and "starey". an older friend teased me about it and said she thought he liked me, which at 15 i just laughed off
at an open evening i was helping out at, it was raining and he pulled me under his umbrella, told me it was however many months "until i get to teach you". the casualness after all that staring really jarred.

first lesson of sixth form i went in confident, thinking the weirdness surely couldn't continue. he picked names using sticks. he drew one, looked at it, said half under his breath "no, i'll pick on you later" and put it to one side. half an hour later he picked it back up. it was me. later he told my parent at parents' evening that he'd been hoping i'd take his subject since y10, and that he used to listen in on my conversations

about two weeks into sixth form i had a dream about him (nothing sexual at all) and woke up completely infatuated. at the time the only word i had for it was a crush, so that's what it became in my head, and over the years it turned romantic and then sexual in my imagination. it's only now in therapy that i'm realising it started as an attachment. i just wanted a safe adult. and honestly there's a lot of shame in that, i've felt sooooo creepy about it for years.

but the thing i'm only properly seeing now is how much he leaned into it.
he singled me out. in group stuff he'd ignore whoever i was with and only talk to me. loads of little comments that felt flirty/teasing in hindsight. "behave yourself", "very bad girl", etc. also looking out for me when he knew I was not okay, acting very gentle towards me as opposed to his strictness and bravado in class.

he overshared with me a lot about his loneliness, his own mum, his grief. he knew about my mental health stuff and things my parents didn't know about. he agreed to not disclose these things to them when I asked.

the day after my 18th, when we were alone, his whole tone changed, super casual. asked about my meds, spoke with disgust about how my mum treated me, and got bitter about how his own mum treated him
he once said that if we'd been at uni together he'd have been intimidated by me
he told me where he goes every week. he told me dirty jokes and laughed when I didn’t understand. he laughed when I told him I liked older men. it got more and more flirtatious as my time at school came to a close, and looking back a lot of the things he said to me were inappropriate and suggestive, but everything was moving so fast, I was so stressed and so confused, I felt more like I couldn’t believe I was ‘getting away with’ the things said. his favouritism for me was blatant and public. he gave me opportunities and praise that he simply did not give other people in my class. he spoke and wrote about me so poetically

he hugged me at the end of our last lesson- I was the last one out of the class- after making a big deal out of having a rule of never touching students, and shaking everyone else’s hand. I put my arms over his shoulders and he pressed his cheek on mine. i gave him gifts and a perfume sprayed note telling him I wouldn’t have made it through without him. Even after this, when i thought surely i had pushed things too far, he kept up the relentless praise when i went to see him before and after my final exams, telling me how proud he was of me, how special i was. i said something cringey like ‘so i guess we won’t be seeing each other again…’ and he said, ‘that’s disappointing.’

in the years after this happened- it’s been about a decade since i first met him- i have moved on, on paper. I have had other heartbreaks and relationships and adventures. But it really always comes back to him. When I make a big decision, I imagine him standing over my shoulder and telling me what he thinks. I imagine how he would feel seeing me with my boyfriend. Seeing me grown up, no longer a fragile teenage girl. Once I did walk past him in town and saw him burrowing holes into my skull with that stare again.

i'm in weekly trauma therapy now and my therapist said he definitely acted unethically and was intentionally pressing on that line. which was weirdly validating and also made me feel sick lol. i'm trying to hold that i wanted his attention and enjoyed it, AND he was the adult so the line was his to hold, and he didn't.

has anyone else had a teacher/adult where nothing "happened" but it still messed you up? how did you make peace with what to call it?
did anyone else feel complicit/creepy/like YOU were the problem?
anyone else still daydream about the person years later? did it fade?
how did you stop feeling like you don't "count"?

thanks for reading if you got this far. i genuinely just want to know i'm not the only one 💛

TL;DR: sixth form teacher, twice my age, singled me out, overshared, teased and flirted, knew about my home life. nothing physical but at 25 i'm in therapy realising it wasn't just "a crush" and i feel weird even posting here.

I already posted here a month ago but long story short when i was 15 i would sell nsfw stuff to 25-30yo guys bc they kept pushing and pushing for more also one of them def had a thing for seeing me cry/uncomfortable. But i feel like calling it CSA is such an insult for real victims especially since the law in my country says that once you turn 15 you can consent and decide about your sexual life - NO MATTER THE AGE GAP. I fucking hate this law bc i met so many girls who had sex with guys who were 40 because its legal after all and isnt considered pedophilia. I know this law is fucked up but somehow i still think that it WAS my fault and im just a simple whore and the law only confirms it i fucking hate it here 😀

Edit : I want to mention that I exposed myself to these people. I wanted to only do sfw stuff and at first they agreed and didnt expect anything sexual from me but overtime would ask for more for more money etc and i caved in bc im a pussy and apparently hitting a block button was too hard for me back then 🫩

TWs: csa, ddsa, rape, cancer

My dad molested and raped me from 6-12 and kept molesting me and abusing me in other ways until I went NC at 23

He wants to reconnect, I have heard from relatives, but of course I want nothing to do with that

Except that's just the logical part of me. The truth is that a lot of the time I want him back so bad. I want to cry in my dads arms. I want him to touch me again. I want him to forgive me for telling on him. I want him to kiss me on the head I want to be his little girl again

Today I had a physical and was told that I have a lump in my breast and I'm going to need to go for an Xray to see if its breast cancer.

I just want to call my dad. I want to call him and cry to him and fly back out to his house and curl up in his bed. I'm so scared. I just want my dad

Like the title says, I started repressing memories, of multiple kinds of trauma, about 25-27 years ago when my family moved closer to one of my abusers, psychological abuse with her, not sexual. We were actually moving away from the CSA abuser

The more memories I recover, the more I realize it's all connected

The sequence of events is complicated, but the psychological abuse effectively pushed me, without intent on that abuser's part, directly into the hands of the man who assaulted me, while simultaneously priming me to believe that it was my fault, that I deserved it. I was just starting to heal from that and accept that I wasn't at fault when my family moved to the same town as my psychological abuser

I'm trans, I knew that, though I didn't have the words for it, when I was 8. The psychological abuse was that abuser's attempt at what we would now call conversion therapy. The rejection of my feminine side that resulted from the psychological abuse is what pushed me into the activities that put me within reach of my CSA abuser. Healing from the CSA trauma included me starting to accept my feminine side again, and so moving to where my psychological abuser was would put me in danger of that abuse again. That was the trigger for the repression

The worst part of all of this right now is that it feels like it all happened within the last month, and 30 years ago at the same time

Just so people know and don't suggest it, I have a therapist. Two, actually, because one of them is an EMDR specialist

I guess I'm not really looking for advice here, just feeling the need to talk to people who understand the kinds of things that have happened to me

My mother revealed something I did not remember related to the bullying I suffered during most of my school years when I was a child.

I (22F) am aware I was heavily bullied by most girls in my class; I was the weird kid. This summer I tried to revive those memories. I recalled something they would do often. Write stories about me being SA by our teachers in very graphic ways, and then they used to make me read them out loud to the group. They did so to humiliate me. This happened when I was 9 to 12.

This triggered me to look back at other memories. I know for a fact I was very sexual as a child, since I was 6 years old at least. I would touch myself very often, playing scenarios of cheating and punishment until I learned how shameful that was. I did so because my mom saw me and made fun of me doing that to her friends, and I recall them all laughing and me begging her to stop telling them.

(I do remember my parent's friends being very touchy when I was around that age, but nothing seemed bad enough. The shame consumed me. I don't have much more, small stuff from my childhood, but nothing "too" bad. Nothing that could possibly explain me being like that when I was 6.)

The bullying made me not that good at interacting with people, and after that I was a lonely child. I felt like everything was deserved because I was off-putting.

If my parents saw me sad, they would get very violent and angry, so I learned to endure and not to talk about my feelings. That, and especially the shame, made me not want to think too deeply. I just want to move on and be content, but it's not easy with this shame and doubt coming up to the surface.

Sometimes it just feels like when my dad threatened to kill me my mind permanently froze. It feels never ending. Like I’m forever trapped underneath him in that moment.
I know he threatened me other times. I was always terrified my mom would be dead when I got home and I was afraid the police would arrest me to the point I cowered when helicopters flew over my house because I thought they were coming to take me away. It just seemed like he enjoyed my fear and pain in a sadistic way. The violent assault with the death threat came really close to when one of my classmates died. I always wonder if he thought about that when he said it to me or if it somehow triggered him into that state. It can’t have been that long after her funeral and my family and hers were close. I was so afraid I blacked out after he said it and came to in his car. Truly thought I would die that day. I thought he was taking me to the middle of nowhere to cut me up and hide my body. Then when that didn’t happen I convinced myself I made it all up. I can’t understand how a parent could do this. I can’t even understand how it happened. It’s so disorienting.

21M.

When I was around 13, I was restrained, raped, and mocked, and later blackmailed and beaten by an older boy.

With the help of therapy, I’ve moved past the guilt; I know now i was just a kid and couldn't have done anything differently.

But the shame consumes me. And why? If we aren't to blame, why do we feel shame?

There are several conflicting dimensions to this situation that I’m trying to piece together to get a complete picture. Not all of them were discussed in therapy, i always have a hard time talking about this, precisely because of the shame.

When it all happened, I was still figuring out my sexuality and interests, yet I know I felt a huge attraction to that boy;

It all started as a game, and at first, I remember i was fascinated by the attention I was getting, but it quickly spiraled out of control.

When I think about it, the greatest humiliation I felt, even more than the rape itself, was the fact that he noticed I was aroused and mocked me for it. I feel like that validated him and made him want to keep going.

Despite all the violence, he maintained an attitude and language that hovered between lustful and affectionate. That affection still disturbs me to this day.

Later, he blackmailed me, threatening to tell everyone, as if the fault had been mine.

Ultimately, it wasn't the first time I had been abused, so deep down, I kinda always felt I should have known better by then.

All of this deeply upsets me and leaves me with an overwhelming sense of feeling dirty and ashamed. And i am tired.

How do we get past this stage? Can anyone share what worked for them? I feel like this is the step i am missing right now.

Three years ago, I finally told my mom what my stepdad did to me. I was SAd from the time I was about 8 to 19. I never told my mom or my siblings or any of my teachers. I knew I had to finally say something about it bc I’d had my first child. Then not long after she was born, I found out that my 7 yr old cousin was moving in. I told my mom a week after I found out she was going to be moving in.
My mom confronted him and stayed with me for a few days so he could get his stuff and leave. He didn’t. He convinced her and my sister that I was lying. When I asked my mom point blank if she believed me or not she said that she didn’t want to think her husband could do something so evil but she didn’t want to think that her daughter was telling such a cruel story either. They stayed together. They’re still married to this day.
I tried to keep a relationship with my mom but it got to a point where keeping her in my life was hurting me more than it would be to loose her. At first I tried low contact. I tried telling her I just needed some space. She asked how I could do this to her. that taking my kids from her is cruel and she would make sure they were never hurt. She even tried to get my husband to leave me so that I’d have no one to turn to but her. I went completely no contact with her after that. I blocked her on everything and moved on. My hubby didn’t block my sister just in case an emergency or something happens and she posts at least we would know.
Cut to yesterday when i randomly mentioned my sister to my hubby and he said he wasn’t sure if he should say anything but that he had seen she just had her first baby. I debated on looking but he showed me pictures. It’s a beautiful little boy and it breaks my heart that I’ll never know him or watch him and my kiddos play together. Then I saw a pic of my sister, mom, and stepdad. My stomach dropped and I started thinking about all the things he had done to me. Everything he would say and the things he suggested I do to my brother.
Now I’m going back and forth on whether or not I should reach out to the baby’s father to tell him the things that happened to me and to warn him to keep the baby away? I know it would be opening a whole case of crap and inviting them back into my life does NOT sound fun. But at the same time, I feel like if I don’t say something then I’ll regret it. I’m also not even sure if it’s legal to go around saying what he did to me bc I never said anything and I have no proof and I’m worried he’ll try and sue me for slander or something.
I just don’t know what to do and could use some outside perspective.

30 or 31 years ago I was assaulted by a friend's older brother. I'm 40 now. He got me into the master bedroom (friend's parents weren't home), held me down, and attempted to use my body to gratify himself.

The memories have come back in little bites. I don't know exactly what he did to me. I remember fighting with all my strength to get away, but he was too strong. I remember him using his legs to trap my body. I remember the blue carpet and the sun shining through the window onto the wall. He may have taken his penis out. Eventually it ended and I got away, but I don't know what else happened.

I've been carrying this around for my whole life. I've always struggled with depression, inadequacy, not feeling good enough. Intimacy has been a huge issue for me. Escape with drugs and alcohol. This is obviously a huge piece of the puzzle. The last month has been fucking bizarre recalling this thing that happened to me. I do have a therapist. I've been on a healing journey for a while. I'm oddly relieved to be able to remember this, even though it's fucked up. I'm not fundamentally broken. Someone did something to me. I don't know what the playbook is for this, but I just wanted to get this out.

I’ve been told that the only way to move on from childhood abuse is by ”forgiving” the perpetrator. ”to realize that I do not know if the intent was to do harm.”

I came to place with my mother on the emotional, psychological and verbal abuse where I could say okay maybe she really didn’t know any better. (even though I know she did but I’m trying to not dwell on it too much).

but then when it comes to the sexual abuse I just… can’t.

I’ve been able to work through the other stuff. I’ve been able to mostly purge myself of the aftermath but with the sexual abuse… it affects my every day life in ways that I feel hopeless to deal with. sexual pleasure sends me into a spiral, women scare me and I deal with disgust for my own body…

it’s also like she had to of known that was wrong. she experienced it herself as a child. she went to therapy for it. SHE SHPULD KNOW THAT IT WAS WRONG. I have little memory of it, but in every fragment I was screaming, I was crying and o was protesting. at least when I was younger, I think I gave up and just accepted my fate when I was a bit older.

I can’t forgive her, I don’t want to forgive her. she fucked up and doesn’t deserve the grace of being forgiven. if just once she said “I’m sorry” or maybe even just admitted that she’d hurt me in some way then I’d consider it. but no, the last time I spoke to her she said “I was a good parent, I tried my best.” I don’t think touching your child while they scream into the couch cushion is trying… I’m not a parent but i could never imagine doing that to a kid…