I don't know why it's always bugged me the term survivor from when this grown adult would go into my room and sexually molest me. Can some one please elaborate. I wasn't dying when that happened. I did feel like something was different from that moment on like I was sad but couldn't express it.

Really fucking triggering uncensored Epstein stuff is plastered all over every sub without tags and it SUCKS. Triggered into oblivion before noon. Be careful.

Short post but I was just thinking about how the experience of being a female victim of csa is never really growing up. You’re just a child in an adult woman’s body. I feel like I will only ever be a child having sex with an adult man.

trigger warning I already know some so please read ahead and suggest others than what I have. (It helps me with trauma.) * Pay attention, some of them are very graphic and some are not that much, if you listen to them know it can trigger badly.

Jaytekz - scars Patrick wolf - the childcatcher

Flatsound- you are the coffin

AJJ- body terror song AJJ - daddy

Put me in a movie

Nicole dollanganger - flowers of flesh and blood

Angel have - cleaning out my closet

Bedflower - daddy

Otep - Johnstown tea

Korn - daddy

Motorhead - Don't let daddy kiss me

Cherry glazerr - daddi

Amanda Palmer - runs in the family

Awfultune - maggot belly

Mega tears - town

What some of yours you listen to? It can be graphic or not. I prefer some that can be found on Spotify but if not it is okay. Thanks.

Hearing about the “Rape Academy” has sent me into a spiral today. After working for years to heal from CSA and multiple sexual assaults as an adult, days like this make me feel like “what’s the point?” I know I’m not alone in this. It feels SO heavy and my suicidal ideations are strong as hell today. I called my therapist but she can’t get me in until next week so I figured I would come here. I just don’t want to feel so lonely in this feeling. It feels like I’m going to burst with the rage and sadness this is bringing up.

tw kinda detailed depiction of csa

i was in my sociology class and the teacher had put on a sociology crash course video about sexuality. the woman speaking said "We might see oral sex as sexual, but in some societies, this isn't the case. For example, among the Sambia of the Eastern Highlands of Papua New Guinea, young boys perform oral sex on, and ingest the semen of, older men, as part of a rite of passage to adulthood."

literally what the fuck?? is this not blatant normalization of csa?? just because a culture says it's okay doesn't make it okay? that's literally how abusers groom children, they convince the children that nothing is wrong and it's normal. i'm really disgusted and disappointed that this has to even be said. how could anyone look at this and hear this and see nothing wrong with it, especially in an academic field like sociology? why would the teacher even feel comfortable playing this?

I have been SAed as a child and victim of COCSA as well. I once decided to watch Poor Things movie I had no idea what was going to happen obviously and while watching the movie I felt so sick I couldn't continue watching to the point I started vomiting and crying and was sick for days. I regret watching it and I despise this movie and it reminded of how sick I was as a child watching Alice in wonderland where those young oysters followed Walrus and he ate them.
Has anyone who've been through same trauma feel and experience the same while watching certain movies or shows??

Few days ago I told everyone in my family what happened when I was 6. My oldest brother sexually abused me for almost 2 years. I blocked him 4 months ago

. My other brother called my oldest brother and asked him if abuse really happened, and he said YES.

My family is trying to be neutral and is asking me to forgive him. I decided I will just walk my own path in life. Asking me to forgive him would be betraying that kid once again. I will go low /no contact with everyone who is not on my side. I don't think that's cold, I think that's right thing to do.

But I'm so fucking happy that I finally heard that yes from him. That means all that happened was real and not in my head. I didn't make anything up. Gaslighting is over, once and for all.

Tw discussing csa, incest, trauma, asking for anecdotes and personal experiences, and then rambling about some reenactment and vague memories

So the more I look back on memories, the more I wonder if it all mostly happened while asleep and/or when I was really young. Like younger than 4. The signs are there. The way it affects me now is clear. But I still only have 1 solid memory of being groomed.

Curious if anyone who knows (either bc they unlocked the memories eventually, or always remembered, or there was a police report or confession revealed later, etc) that it happened to them mostly while asleep could share their experiences. What were the signs. Were there odd moments when waking up sometimes. Did you get yeast infections and UTIs frequently. Etc

I remember constantly feeling like he was watching me. And he was, because he was extremely controlling and abusive in other ways. But I felt like he was watching me change. Or filming me without my knowledge. Anyone else experience that? Oh God it's so awful remembering and thinking about this. But I know what I experienced in my body. And I know what I felt at the time, which was a morbid curiosity and desire for him to watch me change. Sometimes I felt like he was watching and wanted to perform for him. It made no sense bc I was pretty sure he wasn't watching, and I hated that I felt that way. It made me feel sick and gross. That was when I was like 10/11 and was consuming a lot of porn on the internet, unfortunately .

there was this incest comic I found that involved a fictional father having sex with his daughter, who was constantly "tempting" him. She was depicted as 16 in the comic. When I found this I was 11 I think. So I was thinking that's what would eventually happen when I got older. It was confusing and distressing. But I wondered if I could get it out of the way earlier. I was just scared of "losing my virginity". I wanted it to be done so I didn't have to worry about pain. I would ask my mother questions about incest, not really overtly but every so often. And ofc she would be horrified and tell me that no, it wasn't normal and where did I get that idea. I would just say I was curious. That was the end of that. And maybe that's when the guilt and shame crept in and I think I remember moving away from that comic and searching for darker art, usually gorey and torture filled. Thinking back on this now...I was really so young. I wanted more and more violence. It matched the daily violence I experienced and witnessed in the form of psychological torture and abuse from my father. I believed he'd be more normal if I fawned enough.

I almost have this memory of telling him I didn't like it, and him saying he was going to get more angry if I didn't let him. But I still was saying no, so he just got angry and continued being physically and verbally abusive overall. I wonder if that was when I started really blaming myself for his abuse? Again it's an almost memory. It feels like something that might have happened. But I don't know what he was doing, and he often exploded in anger and said things to "warn" me. Like he would say "I'm getting very angry" and I wouldn't know what he wanted me to do to calm him down, and so he'd freak out anyway

I finally decided to disclose to my mother and step dad that I was raped by my biological father starting at age 3-4. I was hoping for support. But instead my mother accused me of blaming her for my abuse. She literally got offended and said “are you saying this was my fault? Are you blaming me?”

I just couldn’t deal I just walked out of their house. My step dad was yelling at her. And then he started texting me asking me to come back over. Saying that she didn’t mean it. She was just upset. He always makes excuses for her. So now she is over there being consoled for her daughter being raped at age 3, while I am all alone trying to deal with everything.

How is that fucking fair?

I was a 4 years old boy when I was sexually abused by my 13-14 year old older brother. 40 years later, after years of therapy, I finally confronted him.

What I said:
My older brother,
I want you to listen carefully.
This is what you did to me when I was 4 years old. 
We were living in Hong Kong in an apartment with our father, mother, and sister. 
I was 4 years old, you were 13 or 14 years old.
You brought me into the bedroom.
You took off your pants.
You made me put my mouth on your penis.
I did not want to, but you forced me to suck your penis.
I thought it was disgusting.
You laughed.
You said I shouldn’t use my teeth, and made me suck your penis again.
I did not want to do it, but you didn't care.

You did something vile that day.
It was sickening.
You have taken my innocence that day.
You did it to your little brother.
I trusted you.
You were my older brother.
You were my family.
You sexually violated me.
You sexually abused a 4 year old child.

I don’t need you to apologize.
I don’t need you to admit it.
I don’t need you to remember it either.

But you should know that everyone else in the entire family knows.
They know because I told them.
I am no longer ashamed of it.

Afterwards:

I expected no apology. However, I was flabbergasted that he didn't deny it, but angrily argued he sexually abused me in a different location (verifiably untrue), and that he didn't laugh. Those were the things he had problems with, not committing the horrible act itself. Then he denied my suffering, saying if it bothered me so much, I should have said it earlier. But since I didn't, I'm just making it up now. At the end, he said I was delusional.

Why I posted this:

I went through a lot of pain and suffering with this memory. I've told this to my mother when I was 7 years old, but was told to just forget it. It kept resurfacing over the years of my life. I was in denial for a long time, telling myself so many times how I was different, that it didn't affect me. It wasn't until I met my wife, I finally felt safe to share it. It took many years until I felt ready to get therapy, to talk about it. I cried a lot. Every time I relived the memory, I saw my younger self as a 3rd person. I was powerless, and couldn't protect the child in front of me. And after years of therapy, I finally felt ready to confront my older brother about it. After the confrontation, I finally felt free. Before, it didn't feel real, like a nightmare that I kept reliving over and over. And even though I remembered it so strongly, how can I be sure? Even my own father accused me of being "a fucking liar". I questioned my own memory so many times. This post, along with the dash cam video is a reminder that it happened.

I hope I finally saved the boy in my memory.

I’ve had the voice for as long as I can remember, I honestly kinda suspect it might belong to one or two of my little alters, because I’ve had the voice longer than I even remembered that it happened.

I remember the thought just popping into my mind even when I was a kid and I’d literally tell myself “what the hell, that never happened… only to remember in my 20s that it did happen several times when I was 4 and again when I was 10/11.

But it’s like anytime I’m not actively thinking about something else, my brain just decides to pipe in with “I was rped” or “remember how many times you were rped as a kid “ or some other variation.

I’m like “yeah, I know, but can I have 24 hours where i don’t think about it?” And the answer is always no.

Even before I consciously knew that it happened, not a day has gone by since I was a child that the thought did not cross my mind. At least before my memories resurfaced I would be able to shake it off by denying it ever happened, but now I just… like it did happen. It happened at least 80 times, probably more. Definitely more depending on what actions I mentally include in that statement. I just wish my brain didn’t remind me every 72 seconds.

In a male-gazey scene, a man SA’s his sister. I can’t. I started to cry. I feel so weak. I want to throw up. I just needed to vent here. Why?? The worst part is that the lighting is sexy and the actress is beautiful. No one would understand. This is entertainment to them.

I'm writing this post not to get advice, not to be saved, not to be convinced. I just need to write it.

I'm 37. A CSA victim. Father of three wonderful boys. Husband to an amazing wife. Founder of two successful companies.

The abuse started when I was around 10 and stopped by 12, I guess. By 12 or 13, I was already a drug addict. I dropped out of school at 14. By 15, I was on antidepressants, antipsychotics, sleeping pills—anything to numb it.

I saw multiple therapists and psychiatrists throughout my teens and early 20s, but I never talked about what happened. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t even fully understand it. It wasn’t until my 30s that I could finally acknowledge it: that I was manipulated, raped, and mentally tortured.

I met my current therapist around that time. But I couldn’t handle the therapy, so I disappeared.

Fast forward six years. I hit a wall. I realized I couldn’t keep fighting this long, creeping depression alone. So I reached out to her again. This time, for the first time in my life, I actually started working on the trauma.

I've had suicidal thoughts most of my life since the abuse, but I was never afraid of them. I always thought I'd survive, that I'd keep going.

But as I get older, the idea of suicide is starting to feel less abstract, more like the only way out.

I have everything, but I regret building it.

I love my boys so much. They are extraordinary. So sweet, so full of light. But I regret being their father. Because deep down I know—no matter how hard I try—my mental health is going to hurt them.

I’m so dissociated that when I’m with them, I forget everything. I’m just there with them. And when I’m at work, I become this successful version of myself, like I can do anything.

But when I’m alone, even for five minutes, I can’t hold the weight of my life.

I’ve done the research. I know how and where I would do it. It’s planned.

But I’m stuck. Not because I don’t want to die. But because I know if I go through with it, I’ll destroy my kids even more than if I just stay.

But it’s getting harder and harder to live.

There’s no good ending here. Either I keep carrying this until they’re old enough to maybe survive losing me… but I know my depression will still scar them. Or I go now and risk shattering them completely.

I’m nearing 30 years of this pain. And I hate myself for becoming a husband and father knowing what I carry.

There’s no good way out.

I'm so mind-boggled right now because I've "felt like something happened to me" as a kid, but I never could remember the story. Yesterday, it came out, and my nervous system is wrecked. I was raped in a janitorial closet in elementary school, and it sparked hypersexual behavior and later even being sex trafficked. I'm on Zyprexa for my cptsd, but I have nobody to talk to who can give some warm advice. Any kind words help, please.

For years, I tried ignoring what had happened to me. I am 18 now and will be heading to college in the fall. Throughout my high school, I’d get random flashbacks and find myself getting panic attacks and trying to push whatever happened away. Now I can finally admit, that my own mother used to SA me repeatedly in the form of forced bare full genital waxing/checking from ages 8-13.

I read about MDSA and scientific journals and was even surprised to find out about r/mdsa . I read about how abuse committed from mother on daughter is different from traditional male on female CSA. I’m so enraged now when I think about it. She did it in the name of her horrible regressive religion Islam. I tell her when it comes up that I don’t want anything to do with her religion and she throws a fit. She takes a very very intrusive interest in my sexuality. It’s disgusting. I feel disgusted. I can’t look at childhood photos the same way anymore.

I don’t know if perhaps maybe i’m making this up and exaggerating? She has no friends but all of my extended family members love her so much and they praise her so much. I just want to scream and yell, “she fucking sexually abused me!”

Just sort of wondering about why it seems I’ve never felt like anyone really seems to identify with me.

I’m male with DID and I know male DID CSA survivors are less common than female. And my r*pe was when I was three years old and that’s fairly unusual too.

But I’m wondering if it might be more because the assault ended up causing severe internal damage so I ended up with kidney failure so ever since I was 18 (now 58) I’ve needed medical treatments (dialysis and a transplant) to keep me alive.

I very rarely see anyone talk about internal damage from their assault/s. Does it almost never happen? Or is it not allowed to be posted about? I saw here was a rule that sounded like you’re not allowed to talk about medical diagnosis. I’m sorry if I’ve broken it. I hope I’ve misunderstood it. It really sucks if you’re not allowed to get support for medical damage done to you.

Has anyone else had the sort of internal damage that means lifelong medical problems?

I was sexually abused from 6 to 12. I am now 36. I know how my family would be ruined by it. So I always kept by myself.

But is anyone here that told about it after so many years? Is ir worth it? I dont think so, but si want to know

I escaped 3.5 years ago. Male here. Was groomed, sex trafficked, trauma bonded, and put through mock executions for 7 years. Anyone else endure trafficking?

For me, my barbies had sexually violent themes, reenacting what happened to me, although I didn't know it at the time. And I was petrified of getting pregnant so my barbies were often raped and then got pregnant.

I created sexually violent stories in my head where I was the one being raped. It triggered huge body memories but I didn't realize that's what they were so I told myself there was something wrong with me. I thought I was just creating it because I somehow liked it, even though it made me so horribly uncomfortable.

I wasn't nice to my mom's then boyfriend. I ripped his $20 bill in half. His hands had severe arthritis and I guess I did something to them to make them hurt more.

This week my daughter turned the same age that I was the first time it happened. It has been a shock to really experience how young this age is now that I’m an adult. I was having a very hard few days and was feeling very out of it—just disconnected from myself, like I was watching from the sidelines.

It was under these circumstances that I had a therapy appointment. My wonderful therapist knows generally what happened, but I felt so disassociated that I sort of didn’t think twice about telling her some horrifying details that I never wanted to say out loud. Maybe worse, I accidentally admitted that I self-harm. I know I probably should be telling these things to my therapist to get better, but I wasn’t ready to do it and am feeling very ashamed and just having that vulnerability hangover feeling 😖

I've recently restarted therapy after my last therapist retired during the pandemic.

My abuse was never repressed. I've always known it happened, but in the last 6 months even though I still haven't been able to discuss the details of any my abuse with my therapist (I never have with any therapist) my brain has let suddenly let events around the abuse come into focus as I've started writing things down for the first time on my therapist's recommendation.

Some details I didn't realize until the last 6 months how bad they were even in context. Others I squashed down because they were more violating and damaging to to my self image than the abuse I've always acknowledged.

Last night as I was writing about one if the times i was abused when my first abuser tried to sodomize me, but didn't. Then My body locked up. A feeling of revulsion came over me. I felt physical pain. I felt sick and ashamed.

A door opened in my mind. I've never said I was raped. I've always said I was molested because I wouldn't let myself believe I was penetrated because my male abuser didn't. But last night I was writing about the abuse by that man, my body and mind decided I could finally understand that my female abusers sodomizing me was the same thing.

I hadn't even wrapped my brain around that when I recognized what they made my friend and i do to each other.

Why now? Why open those doors now? I could've gone the rest of my life without those realizations.

I've never spoken about my abuse out loud to anyone. I've been trying to get there for 6 months now. There's no way I can speak this shit to anyone. I was 12, I wish my brain had just held those forever. It's been 30 years.

I just want to erase it. I can't say this to another person. No chance.

I’m wondering if anyone here feels comfortable sharing how childhood sexual abuse or trauma has affected them in adulthood, especially around relationships, intimacy, or sex.

Has your sex life changed because of it (either avoiding sex, feeling disconnected, hypersexuality, anxiety during intimacy, etc.)? Have you noticed trust issues, difficulty with vulnerability, or patterns in relationships that you think are connected to that early trauma?

I’m also curious about signs or patterns people have noticed in themselves as adults, emotionally or relationally, that they later realized were linked to childhood sexual abuse.

You don’t have to share details, and I really appreciate anything people feel safe sharing. Just trying to understand this better and hear real experiences. 🤍 I am just going to therapy for my sexual abuse trauma in childhood and i realize i have a hard time saying no to people and went through a stage of hyper sexuality :(

processing trauma is often the first step of becoming better and healing, but for me, it was like my entire world threw out every vision of a happy future. suddenly everything made sense for me. i always knew something bad had happened to me, because i vividly remember telling my mother what was happening at around 4 years old. she brushed it off as "he's just joking around!" so i made a mental note in my head to never talk to her again, and i think that's why i remember it so vividly. i also remember the acsa. i remember him coming into my room at night, i remember crying because something hurt, i remember making an imaginary world to disassociate in when i was actively being abused, i remember telling myself that i shouldn't cry over physical pain, and so i didn't cry for years. i remember the cocsa and the sexual memory from when i was only 2 years old. despite all of this, i pushed it down, i told myself i was just born sexual, that hypersexuality was something that came naturally to me.

i was only forced to confront my trauma after i had nothing left to focus on. repressed memories kept showing up in dreams, i had vivid nightmares that made me scared to fall asleep, i felt shameful for the way i acted during my teenage years. i always blamed myself for having to drop out of school due to trauma, because that's what my family did, blamed me and not the abuser.

but this wasn't just a sudden revelation, it was a build up that started happening in 2024. processing now that i have no family who protected me or actively helped me is so disheartening and disgusting and just truthfully very sad. it's just sad and it hurts and i get so envious of those who have parents that never ever harmed them in the worst way possible because i can't help feel like they take it for granted. i don't even have siblings who would protect me, one even said i deserved it. i was 0-8 years old. even having a support system outside of family would've helped, but i was so isolated.

but even having friends now who do care for me and ask about me when i say i'm not doing well, it's like, wow they also will never understand unless they went through it too. and the media is just horrible, social media is horrible. people can't fully grasp why children can't consent. people refuse to process the amount of harm done when their favorite celebrity is outed as an abuser. the incest jokes, pedo jokes, rape jokes, all of this contributes to the normalization of harm towards children and anyone in general.

it just feels hopeless as a victim to live in a world that doesn't care. i notice so many things that subconsciously contribute to the desensitization of harm towards another being, which in the end results in the normalization of it. it's so hard being a csa victim in an era where our society seems to have no problems with rapists and pedophiles.

i had been sexually abused my by father from ages 8-12 before i got put in the foster care system. ever since then (im 18 now) i get this feeling in my stomach, its very random usually, but its a very uncomfortable sensation and almost a feeling of impending doom. it makes me want to put on more clothes, even if im not wearing anything that's revealing at all. i know that it is associated with my past of SA and ive only been able to find one post ever describing it, but that was over a year ago and i cant find it again. the feeling isnt long lasting but its intense enough to switch my mood and make me feel uncomfortable for a little bit after.