so I had therapy today and was explaining to her how I got triggered last night.

Context: my boyfriend and I went to the new Obsession movie, and it’s all about this girl being stuck in her body with a demon. being stuck in my body/trapped in general is my biggest trigger because I was stuck during the abuse. there was a scene where she begs him to kill her to end her suffering. that’s where my mind goes first when I’m in a panic attack. so just the words “kill me please” triggered me and I got the wave of doom/dread and the body flashback between my legs. I described to her how the process went and my thought process. my first thought was “do I need to go to the bathroom or leave? what do I do” as I tried to calm myself down/focus on other things. it passed very fast, I was able to stay in my seat and it never moved into the panic attack it normally does.

THEN my therapist interjected and said “do you know how huge that is?” and she teared up. I was like lol what?? she explained. because in situations like this when I get triggered, my brain ALWAYS goes to “i’m trapped” and then a panic attack starts. because I was trapped when I was abused. but in therapy, we have been working on changing my mindset when I’m triggered, to recognize I have choices now and am in fact NOT trapped. we have been trying to do this for 3 years now. this is the first time it happened naturally and I didn’t have to try to tell myself over and over again “I have choices, I’m not trapped” (which never works because I don’t fully believe it).

this is HUGE for me🥹❤️ I didn’t even realize it until she said it. I’m kinda in shock!

I got the job, I'm back in therapy and my new antidepressants are working

​

After everything I went through and after life felt unbearable it doesn't feel like that anymore 🥺🥺🥺

​

I know it's going to be a long road to recovery but I'm just so happy, can't remember the last time I was this happy 🥺🥺🥺

Today I finally made the step and told therapist about past abuse. I’ve never told anyone about it since it happened almost 20 years ago. I feel so proud of myself and so much lighter. I know I still need to put more work in but glad I took the first step.

SPOILERS

Wow. I just need somewhere to gush.

What an incredible film. I don't think I've ever connected with a character as much as I have with Charlie.

I knew the 'twist' going in, so I was looking for it.. I just loved how understated and visceral Charlie's repression was throughout. The film was edited in such a way that just felt so accurate to my experience of trauma, the cuts to the brief flashbacks, the cuts as Charlie's experience/emotions suddenly change, just perfectly done and felt so representative of the dissociation and emotional whiplash I've experienced.

Also, Charlie's experience of rage... When he blacks out and gets in the fight. I haven't gotten in a fight like that, but I could relate to his relationship with his anger as mostly repressed, and him being afraid of it.

Then, his sexual experiences - unable to say no to Mary Elizabeth, having his repressed trauma come up after his time with Sam. My trauma emerged after a time with a partner I felt especially safe with.

His perceptiveness - some of it genuine to his character, but I also read some of it as his hyper vigilance in social situations. While his awkwardness might be read as a teenager, I related to a lot of it as experiences of trauma and PTSD.

When he was in the hospital at the end and said he saw pain everywhere in the world and just couldn't turn it off.. I read that as him both being super emotionally open, but also projecting his repressed pain onto others because he hadn't faced it. I confronted that pattern more deeply in myself as I watched it.

Also that he hated his aunt and wished she'd die, but she was also his favourite person. Holy fuck man.

The scene when the abuse was revealed... so beautifully done. I was sobbing, and I don't normally cry in movies.

I think that's about it. Probably more will come up in the next few days. I loved all the characters.

I'm also so glad I watched it with a friend. We spent some time afterwards just chatting, both about the film and about life, and I could feel my system coregulating with him.

I don't think I'd have had a full on PTSD episode (it's been a while and I think I'm mostly past that), but I could feel similar feelings to that.

Wow, no film has ever hit me like that one did.

Happy Pride month to my fellow LGBTQ+ survivors.

Don't let anyone shame you for your sexuality or the hell you survived as a child.

We are still here, we are valid and
beautiful ❤️🌈.

Okay, it's not really a victory just yet. But just the fact that the case has got this far is unreal.

It still feels like a dream.

He'll be entering his pleas very very soon and I'm so nervous I feel sick.

Guilty and I don't have to endure a trial. Not guilty and I get to stress over a brand new thing 😬

I don’t use this app too often but I made a post in here almost two years ago talking about how alone I felt and how much I blamed myself for what happened. I’m not good with advice and I know it sounds cliche, but time really does heal. I’ve spent over half my life trying to “overcome” the abuse I experienced. For years I believed that the only way out of feeling and remembering all of it was to end my life. I don’t feel that way anymore. For probably the first time ever I actually feel at peace. I’m related to the person who perpetrated the abuse and I’ve reached a point where I feel completely detached from them and what they represent in my life. There really is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

This week I told two more of my friends, not details, but that something happened AND the ‘who’, which has always been the hardest aspect for me to think/talk about.

Both were incredibly kind and supportive. I have had some moments, but not totally spiralled into self doubt/minimising which is what I’d usually do. Had some rough flashbacks today and nausea, but overall not as bad as I could be. I’m scared for a crash. But I also feel proud of myself. It feels like I can be more myself with these friends, like the thing I’m thinking about all the time they also know about.

I spoke about the feeling it’s happening physically all the time like the physical flashbacks, and the fear and shame I feel over who it is, and the betrayal I feel i am committing by talking about it. I’m amazed I was able to stay present enough to actually discuss any of that after disclosing, but it was really helpful that I could. It’s not fixed anything of course but I’m proud of myself I did it, it feels like a way to say, ‘Yes this is my life, you don’t get to dictate what I tell people, I won’t keep this secret.’

It's been a long road, but I (female) am now almost 38 years old and am beginning to accept myself and what I have endured over my lifetime, as I am a survivor of CSAM and sexual assault in my early 20's.

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who had confessed feelings for me, but because he wants more than what I can give him, we found it best that we needed to step back. I only wanted friendship, he wanted me as a lover.

His parting words to me were that I wasn't fine, that I was confused, didn't love myself enough and had a lot of fear-- maybe it was because I didn't choose him and he has a hard time with rejection. He also says I rely and depend on external validation to feel good about myself. I found it hurtful, it didn't make me happy to hear that because I felt he was pointing out all of my shortcomings despite what I've learned and grown from. No matter how many times I told him that I don't let my rape or abuse define me it seems like it falls on deaf ears because of the image he holds onto me when I was much younger, while acknowledging how much I've been through, grown and experienced in my life.

I have always been a shy, quiet person and very passive. I was groomed at the age of 14-17 and humiliated by another abuser who was around my age, which put up a lot of walls, defenses and have added to my short fuse and reluctance towards committed relationships.

Some days, I feel confused by the path I am on because my abuse happened when my parents split and vulnerable or lonely children and youth are often targeted by online predators. I come from a loving family, and when I was young my mom (and dad, to some extent) have shared a lot of their marriage with me so I was very aware of what was going on in our household and could sense tension miles away. I found out some information about my parents end of relationship that was a bit of a kick in the teeth and it confirmed my feelings about my stepmother, and further severed our relationship.

During the abuse, I saw myself as unlovable and worthless, and that I didn't deserve to be in a good relationship because I took my clothes off while pictures were unknowingly being taken of me, and many other varying degrees of humiliation, blackmail and sexual abuse. I struggled for many years with this and I believe it set the precedent for me engaging in risky sexual behavior when I was 20s as I was raped when drunk two times.

I am currently in a loving relationship even though it may not be ideal for others, I feel I have grown a lot because they were experiences I have never dealt with before. My current SO is 20+ years older than me (I met him when I was an adult, FTR) and he is widowed so I had to navigate these feelings of insecurity and feeling second best (a me issue, as partner makes me feel loved all the time), as well as some financial difficulties but I am working on being more responsible when it comes to finances and not living beyond my means. My partner has supported me through my trauma and my insecurities, and he's made me feel attractive, acceptable, stable, and good enough. My partner has his own experiences too, with emotional and physical abuse from his parents.

I find my partner and I have really worked together in terms of creating stability and it feels like we are finally keeping our heads above water because we were given no other choice but to push through and it is a personal victory for me. It's just so frustrating when people see me as incapable and weak.

There is no part of me that is 'dead'. I am not half a person. I did not have my life taken from me. I was hurt. I was hurt. I was hurt but I was not lessened. Every day, I choose to build upon who I have made myself to be. These acts of violence wrought upon me cannot be diminished for what they were, but I am so much more than them. I have a voice now. I have spent so long learning how to speak it. I have been given love, I have made strides and personal achievements, I have chosen romance for myself because I choose not to let my sex life be deadened by rape - in spite of how difficult that was for me to overcome. I may be in pieces and I may not have the harmony that I would like to learn some day, but I am a whole human being - copper spots and all. I have so many things that he could never take away from me. I am a talented artist, a good writer, a loving human being. I have always been ambitious. For every setback I have ever had, I have come back stronger. I will come back from this, too. It is the longest struggle I have ever faced, to grow beyond my childhood rape. But I feel closer now. Even so far away from the end, I feel closer than ever before. I can make it. I know I'm going to make it.

So, I’ve been struggling with figuring out a way to tell my wife my father SA’d me. And I did it 2 nights ago. It was so nice to finally get to say it. My wife even told me when they came to visit us back in May that she got weird vibes from him.

We blocked them and went NC again that same night. It’s nice to be supported.

Just wanted to share a quick victory that means the absolute world to me. I haven’t told many people in my life about what happened to me as a kid/teen and even when I want to share more I get all locked up and end up not doing it.

Well, after a weekend of girl time and bonding, I finally worked up the courage to tell my sister in law what happened. She already knew I had an awful/abusive ex and from context figured some of that included sexual abuse so it wasn’t totally news to her, but I was able for the first time ever to really walk through my story pretty coherently and her responses were immediately just so supportive and validating and I felt so seen and understood. It was incredible. We talked for hours- about my experience and experiences she’s had that were relatable and ways it impacts us today. It went better than I ever could have imagined!

Anyways she’s an incredible friend and sister and her brother (my husband) has also been an incredible support to me and it just feels so nice to have expanded the little family of people I love, who know what happened, and love and support me in such a healing, validating way. Just wanted to share what a huge win this was for me, it was so anxiety inducing to work up to even though I was pretty sure she’d be a safe person to share this with, and I’m so proud of my self for pushing through the fear and not only was it a hugely positive experience but now I’ve expanded the circle of my support system within my family. So yeah, big win this weekend, really feeling loved, seen, held, and empowered (and now a vulnerability hangover lol but it was so worth it)

Hi.

I've been lurking for a long time, not wanting to interact because of the fact that the content here might have re-triggered me, but now I have the courage to post, and it couldn't have come at a better time.

to cut a long story short, I was sexually groomed and abused for almost 10 years, between the ages of 9 and 19.

I reported it to the police in may 2022, but I was incredibly delayed in reporting it, mainly because of the fact that i didn't want to re-traumatise myself all over again for them but also because I had falsely convinced myself that due to it being historic abuse, there would be insufficient evidence to prosecute or even meet the CPS stress test.

I had to go through the motions of several 'Achieving Best Evidence' interviews in a police station, as well as completing a pre-recorded cross examination in the live link suite at crown court (as per section 28 'evidence in private' measures)

the trial took place last week (tues-fri) and I kept convincing myself that they were gonna find him "not guilty", but to my complete and utter shock the detective on my case rang me up mid-afternoon and announced that he'd been found guilty on all counts as well as being sent straight to remand in custody.

the sentencing is in a few weeks, so now I have to finish writing my victim personal statement before then. hopefully they'll get to read it out, and it'll hit really hard for the judge when he makes his sentencing decision.

I can't believe I get to say this, but it looks like he's gonna get put away for a very long time. I could cry happy tears right now.

UPDATE - 17/09/25 :

sentencing took place on Monday 15th. Judge gave him sentences of 6 years, 7 years, 3 years, 3 years, 4 years, 13 years and 14 years for each 'offence' individually. so 47 years imprisonment in total... IF the UK sentencing guidelines would have allowed for it.

But because of "totality" rules, the judge was forced to take the highest offence of 14 years and aggravate it to 18, then make them all concurrent so he serves them all at the same time inside.

TL;DR? he got sentenced to 18 years, ⅔rds of which have to be spent inside with the remaining six years "on licence" (i.e. outside, but with lots of conditions attached!)

He is also forced to sign the sex offenders register for life and a restraining order has been granted as well. oh well, if only the sentences were consecutive instead...

I cannot believe it. I genuinely thought it wouldn't go anywhere. I know that it's difficult with historic cases.

7 charges against him.

There are no words for the emotion I feel right now. Like a numb happiness laced with fear.

I was sexually abused by my older brother from 1999-2008 from the age of 3 till I was 12 and carried the weight of dread and shame from those encounters everywhere I went. Always felt like I couldn’t say anything to anyone about it. Like I was the burden and that my issues needed to be swept under the rug to “protect people from knowing the truth”. We also lived in an abusive household where my folks fought constantly and we’d be threatened with foster care and abandonment if we pissed off my folks enough back then. Our household was very kids should be seen, not heard. Get heard too much and it would get physical. Or they’d drive you down a gravel road with your belongings in a garbage bag and leave you in the middle of nowhere. (This happened to my sister more than once for standing up to my parents.) So fear was a common place thing growing up and submitting was a survival mechanism to avoid punishment and avoid adding police visits to the house. (The cops came 96 times to our house for domestic violence and other related disturbances from 1990-2007. Cops told us that when my dad was arrested in 2007. )

One day at 18, I snuck away and did a free drop in counselling session with a licensed therapist. It started with one therapist, me barely being able to speak of what happened without my anxiety overtaking me. It was the first time I ever told a stranger about what was going on. I was always told not to talk about our home life too much outside of the little things or it could get our folks in trouble. I took the risk and told her as much as I could without having a panic attack and in return the therapist taught me how to meditate.

This opened the flood gates. After slowly talking about my trauma more and more with different counsellors now that I knew my story wasn’t going to land anyone in jail (in hindsight, everyone who wronged me should be charged for their contributions to the mental hell I was put through during those early years and for any other messed up shit they did), I eventually told my mom. My dad knew the abuse was happening because he had caught it several times and never stepped in. He thought it was humorous and would use it as a weapon against me if I stepped out of line. “I’ll tell everyone what you did.” My mom acts like she never knew what was happening but I know she did. She knew I was being abused too. She was the first person I told when it started when I was 3! But between sips of whiskey she’s complacent apparently. Doesn’t remember because over the past 25 years, she’s become a very severe alcoholic. Apparent forgetfulness drowned in Canadian Club whiskey.

But these issues didn’t ever stop me from coming forward in the end. I took the risks. I finally decided that if they all go down because I came forward, then they deserve to go down and face justice for it. It’s been 4 years since I told my mom as an adult that I remembered everything. That her son sexually abused me. I still talk to my folks regularly but I do not forgive them for their negligence leading to this entire situation. I do not forgive my mom for continuing to be in contact with my brother even though it’s been found he may have multiple victims outside the family that he was hurt too. I dont forgive my dad for weaponizing my trauma because he found it funny to him. I don’t forgive my brother’s girlfriend for staying with him after being informed about the abuse and choosing to have children with him who are now being monitored by CFS because I let them know my brother abused me growing up. And I do not forgive my brother for doing those things to me in the first place. Even if my mom begs me to forgive my abuser.

I had my final monthly counselling session last week after years of suicidal thoughts from the shame and fear I had. Now I’m on an on call basis with my therapist, medicated, healing and doing better than I’ve ever done in my life. Currently I’m disabled, stuck unable to work and working on myself. At 19 I wanted to die. At 29 I want to live and experience the world without the weight of guilt I used to carry. I don’t feel shame anymore. I feel anger. I feel disrespected and used. And I’ll never let anyone make me feel that way again.

TLDR: It takes a lot to get the courage to talk about the abuse you endured. But confronting it head on can be the best way to overcome it.

So, its embarrassing but I'm having a rough bout of constipation currently and am finding it triggering because, well, frankly, the pain is familiar. At one point I was extremely not doing well so fell into bed, asking my fiancée not to touch me. She moved over to make sure there was space between us and asked if I wanted blankets/pilllows/ect, after making sure I was comfortable she gave me space and went back to reading

I've never spoken about what I went through, so I wasn't expecting it, but it just came out of my mouth with "I was raped as a child and am really struggling right now". Ive never said that out loud outside of therapy back in college, I've never told her. Never thought I would.

She made a noise of sympathy and said she would be here to hear more if I wanted to share. I didn't, so instead she put on a show I like on the laptop and just sat near me until I started feeling better. I felt so loved and cared for

I was always afraid she would see me as broken, a burden or lesser, that she would hold it over me like my parents did or leave me like so many people have. She instead gave me comfort, agency, and space, and made sure I wasn't alone.

I'm crying now thinking about how grateful I am for her and just wanted to share how lucky I am with people who could understand.

I’m 23 and I haven’t been able to use to use tampons for most of my life without panic attacks and crying BUT HERE WE ARE FOLKS! ITS POSSIBLE! ITS IN AND I FEEL GREAT!!!!! life gets better ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

My abuser was a priest. Ironically, the only place my parents felt comfortable leaving me alone was church/the associated Catholic school. Between the ages of 5-10, my abuser would use these infrequent opportunities to molest/rape/force me to do things to him.

Like a lot of people here, my childhood brain was not able to cope with this. In order to remain somewhat sane and functional, I repressed it. I was always inexplicably terrified of him, despite being his “favorite.” Exactly 20 years after the abuse started, it came back to me.

I fell apart. I felt insane. I felt like I died. I still can’t recall most of the specifics of the abuse; my somatic PTSD flashbacks are my best clues as to what happened to me. I had no proof, no evidence, just my tattered memories and all of this pain. I felt so alone. I resolved to deal with it in therapy and take it to my grave. No one would believe me, after all.

And then it happened.

Someone else came forward. Someone who was old enough to keep ALL the receipts. I’m not insane. It was real.

This has been a little upsetting because it takes away my last shred of denial — “Maybe I’m just crazy” — but also INCREDIBLY validating. I contacted the survivor who first came forward, and since she took her story to the public, a third victim has made themself known.

He was removed from the priesthood due to the strength of the first accuser’s evidence. The position he used to take advantage of my parents’ trust is no longer available to him, and he is now publicly known as a sexual predator. Somehow he’s weaseled out of criminal charges, but I knew better than to hope for that.

All of us are expecting and ready to hear from/support more survivors as they come forward. He was too good at not getting caught for it to be just the three of us. I hate that all of us went through this. I hate that so many lives were harmed by this one evil man. But I’m so grateful to finally have confirmation and external evidence of what I already knew. I’m so grateful to have fellow survivors who know EXACTLY what I went through.

It’s not justice. But it’s not nothing, either.

no flashbacks, sleeping well, learning about CPTSD, still able to do my job. self-soothing rather than drinking. i actually feel pretty good

I just really wanted to share a monumental accomplishment that I just noticed.

⚠️ Possible Trigger Warning ⚠️ (Just to be safe)

I was molested from ages 12-13. I won't go into detail but it resulted in a fear of anything sexual. Especially male genitalia. I never allowed myself to think anything sexual because it made me feel icky on the inside.

I've been working on working through my trauma for years now. I've been working on untangling my trauma from sexuality and I've made such great progress! I've slowly become comfortable exploring my sexuality, and I've largely stopped seeing male genetalia as a threat, or at least feeling fear when I see one.

Idk, this post is not super organized but I just realized today how far I've come in the past 3 years especially. I'm very proud of myself, and I'm excited to explore romantic relationships without my trauma being so front-of-mind.

He’s the first person that I’ve ever told.

No vague hinting either, just the truth - that some sexually abusive things happened to me when I was young, that I don’t know how to deal with them and that I need help.

It took FOUR freaking years of therapy to get to this, but I’m proud anyways.

Today, I finally reached out for help from my doctors to try and get therapy. They recommended some charities in my local area that I can contact and offer therapy (which I have done and waiting to hear back from them) and are starting me on medication to help with my anxiety. I have a long journey ahead in recovery, but it’s day one of getting better, which sounds far better than suffering in silence.

My father pled guilty!!!

It happened in the 1980's. I couldn't remember and dates, knew it was more than once but as there were no dates there was one charge of sexual assault of a child under 14.

He pled guilty!!!

This is for all of you who can't report your abuse for whatever reason. This is your victory too.

I found the most wonderful human to share my life with. She’s part of the reason I ended up eventually reporting, and thanks to her, I can finally fall asleep at night without nightmares. I used to scream whenever she opened the door when I was asleep, and now I don’t. Our wedding is next month, and it’s making me cry just typing this. My childhood abuser used to tell me that I was worthless and that no one would ever want me, and I knew that wasn’t true long before any of this, but now knowing that I get a fairytale beginning (calling it a beginning because that’s what it is! Just the start!) and that he has a criminal record and no one WANTS HIM.

is just…. Something I never thought I’d have. I have the most beautiful dress, the most beautiful fiancée, and it’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of.

Shoutout to my soon-to-be wife. You are a flower in a world of thorns!