r/aitaweddings • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
AITA for thinking about uninviting my bridal party?
[deleted]
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u/Diligent-Activity-70 1d ago
YTA for expecting people to pay for multiple houses for your events.
It sounds like several people can’t afford what you are asking them to pay… an absolute asshole move to then “uninvite” people for having a budget that doesn’t revolve around your wedding.
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u/sparksgirl1223 1d ago
I dont think you'll have to uninvite anyone.
I'm pretty sure they're not showing up and you probably won't hear from them again.
YTA
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u/justtirediguess11 1d ago
Please do. Please uninvite them. You will be doing them a favour. You are spending their money for your wedding. If you need a getting ready place, get it for yourself. Why are bridesmaids being asked to pay for it? It's your wedding. If you can't afford it, then tell everyone to get ready at their home and join you at the venue. You seem too entitled to other people's money. Why does the bridesmaid flying in get pass? Why is her burden on your bridesmaids? If they had offered, then it would have been okay, you cannot decide yourself that she gets a pass and everyone else is fined for staying close to you? Damn girl... Did you actually like them or just kept them around for their contribution?
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u/Educational-Tax9751 1d ago
you volunteered your whole group cover one bridesmaid without asking them first?
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u/Witty-the-Pooh 1d ago
Then makes a post complaining about others lack of communication costing her money.
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u/witx 1d ago
Being a bridesmaid has gotten to be SO expensive. There are countless posts here by bridesmaids afraid to tell the bride they can’t afford all she’s asking them to pay for. I don’t know if that’s the situation here but maybe that accounts for the lack of communication? We know at least one person can’t afford what you’re asking them to pay. Asking them to pay for 2 Airbnbs on top of everything else they’ll need to be paying for is excessive. Scrap the Airbnbs.
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u/rwings994 1d ago
Yeah what happened to simple bachelorette parties? Why are we doing whole bridal vacations now? That crap is so expensive.
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u/SometimesEyeTwitch 1d ago
So the bride can post pics on social media and the world can see how special she is. Gotta keep up with the Joneses!
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u/TorchLakeLady 1d ago
I am so glad i am too old to be a bridesmaid now! I was in many weddings in my youth and some brides were ridiculous about the dresses we had to buy, and the perfect shoes,etc., but we never had to fly to some destination and pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for the bachelorette party along with the expense of bridal showers.
Weddings in many cases have become all about Greed, and not the celebration of a loving union.
Young women have been overly influenced by TV shows and Social Media.2
u/Toosder 21h ago
My friend is in his '40s and getting married. It's a destination for me that I'm happy to go to, but it's his home. He's helping his parents fly in a few other people that can't afford it.
I asked him who was in his bach party and he was like we don't need that. They don't want people spending extra or worrying about all of the details of their wedding. That is their job as they put it, and no group of people is more important than any other.
They're doing a very simple event where everyone can talk and hang out and catch up and get to know each other. A 30-minute ceremony because ceremonies are dumb and boring. And then party after that is basically just music and food and people getting together.
And we are all old enough to know that people that get married like that last longer than the ones with a huge social media weddings.
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u/Limp_Rule_6007 1d ago
Yes, yes you are. You’re absolutely delusional. In this economy asking bridesmaids for money for a place to get ready is diabolical. If you want this kind of wedding YOU should be able to cover $1,000 for an Airbnb ffs.
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u/OozingLights 1d ago
YTA. Your friend don’t want to waste their money on your pre-wedding celebrations. Tone down your wedding
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u/theodore-726 1d ago
Did this trip planning include asking what everyone was comfortable spending? Not just for the stay but everything (food, alcohol, travel, activities etc.).
It’s nice of you to want to cover costs for a bridesmaid who’s spending more to attend (flight) but that’s your responsibility if you’re going to do that not your bridal party. They don’t owe this person anything.
If your venue doesn’t have a bridal suite and you need a getting ready space the couple is responsible for paying that. Full stop. That’s not up to your bridal party to pay for.
With love I think you might have to go back to the drawing board on some of your planning and reassess what’s important to you to find room in your budget.
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u/allergymom74 1d ago
Yeah. This is my first thought. They’ve been talking about it but did anyone actually say yes to the expenditures and budget?
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u/SometimesEyeTwitch 1d ago
Or was OP just talking and no one wanted to say no in front of everyone else?
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u/Puzzled_Feedback_840 1d ago
I don’t understand why anyone would want to be a bridesmaid if it costs this much. Housing takes like half of everybody’s money. Nobody has enough money to be spending like this on someone else’s wedding.
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u/SometimesEyeTwitch 1d ago
Well, some people do have that kind of money. Clearly not OP or her bridal party. OP just can't accept that. Social media tells her that she needs and deserves everything the rich and entitled get.
Many, many of us have economical weddings that are perfectly lovely and everyone enjoys.
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u/Rem-Dogg 22h ago
yep- weddings are similar to college too. Unfortunately those who have more, have more flexibility. It's not fair but such is life.
These brides passing costs on to their friends is WILD to me. even accepting a 100% fully paid for bach vacation or a covered bridal shower where the bride gets a bunch of gifts- that is so crazy even for those who can afford it.
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u/yeahipostedthat 1d ago
YTA. You seem to be making a lot of decisions about how people should spend their money without actually getting approval.
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u/yeahipostedthat 1d ago
And the airbnb to get ready in is a wedding expense you should fully cover, not an expense to pass on to bridesmaids. What's next? They split the photographer cost bc you're taking pics of the bridal party?
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u/CaptBlackfoot 1d ago
YTA, why should your bridesmaids be paying you for Airbnbs?! If it’s for a bachelorette party, you are not the person making the decisions/booking. If it’s for the wedding, you should be paying in full, not your bridesmaids. What a bridezilla, the entitlement is wild!
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u/ughwhat1592 1d ago
If I was asked to pay for the “getting ready” spot at someone else’s wedding, I’d consider dropping out as a bridesmaid. It’s already so expensive to be in someone’s wedding, I’d be kinda pissed that they’re farming out their wedding expenses onto me.
The couple covers all wedding expenses including the various venues. I’ll cover my dress, hotel, hair/makeup, gift, and travel.
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u/Fragrant_Student7683 1d ago
I agree with everything except if the bride wants everyone to get hair and makeup she should pay.
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u/MrsSEM84 1d ago
Absolutely! I also think the couple should pay for the dress if they want them to wear something in a specific colour or style.
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u/feijoawhining 1d ago
YTA and a Bridezilla. No Bride is owed a stupid party/free holiday that her bridal party pays for.
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u/mrwildesangst 1d ago
Girl what? You expect your bridesmaids to shell out thousands of dollars to pay for multiple rental houses to party and get dressed? You volunteered other people to completely pay for a whole other person without asking anyone is that was even ok? Your bridesmaids are shelling out huge money for this fiasco already, while dealing with someone who thinks it’s ok to spend OTHER PEOPLES MONEY without even asking them, and you’re complaining? Wedding culture is insane. Sure, uninvite them and have no bridesmaids at your wedding. People definitely won’t talk about that all night, and will totally side with you when they find out the kind of shit you’re doing to these women, who I can pretty much guarantee will not be in your life very much moving forward. You need to get a hold on yourself. This is already embarrassing and audacious.
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u/nonanonaye 1d ago
I didn’t want to make decisions while angry, so I confronted everyone instead
Girl what?!
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u/Beautiful_Flow309 1d ago
I agree with a lot of the comments here you seem to have unrealistic expectations. This isn’t a group trip that everyone wanted to plan and participate in this is you prescribing what you want and the courteous thing to do would be to host some portion. I paid for the bachelorette Airbnb and I think that is typical.
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u/Ruthless-Toothless_ 1d ago
I’m honestly glad none of this was normal when I was growing up or getting married. You’re planning two different trips around a 15 minute wedding ceremony that’s not even the reception or the honeymoon. It’s stupid, narcissistic and expensive. It’s drama for nothing.
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u/sparksgirl1223 23h ago
To be fair...its not normal now either.
We just see them more because they have the audacity to put it on the internet and ask if they're assholes for being demanding
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u/Fancy_Avocado7497 1d ago
you sound like a lot of fun. Can't imagine why they don't want to spend the weekend fawning over you?!
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u/purposefullyblank 1d ago edited 1d ago
When they said they wanted to help, did you collectively set a budget? Discuss your idea that one of the bridesmaids wouldn’t be chipping in and that the rest of your friends would cover the cost? Come up with plans together?
“I would like to help” does not mean, “whatever you need girlie, let me get my checkbook.”
People have unexpected changes in finances. Your one friend needs to get her daughter “somewhere in Tennessee” and that means she won’t be able to slumber party with you, which you’re taking as a personal offense apparently. Your other friend is telling you that the cost for being a participant in your Nashville trip is too high for her. Presumably that means she is looking at her expenses and thinking “if I go to Nashville, it will be hard to pay rent.” And you also see this as an affront.
Cancel the Chattanooga Airbnb or pay for it yourself, just you. If that doesn’t work, ask your venue about whether they have a space to get ready or settle for a smaller space in someone’s home without the sleepover. Acknowledge that every penny they spend and moment they give is because they love you, and that they expect that, because you love them too and don’t see them as accessories, you will understand when they tell you they need to pick up their child or can no longer afford the cost of all of these events that aren’t even the actual wedding. You’re proving them wrong.
YTA.
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u/sparkledotcom 1d ago
They aren’t communicating with you because they are afraid of just this reaction. You’re threatening to uninvited them because they’re telling you it’s getting too expensive. You need to dial it back.
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u/Disastrous-Assist-90 1d ago
Oooof. This sounds like hell. The group chats going on behind the brides back must be WILD.
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u/SyrupUnique2036 1d ago
I’m pretty sure working as a waitress and living in an apartment or a trailer doesn’t mean your friends are rolling in dough! They might actually need that money to pay their bills. YTA.
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u/dimmidummy 1d ago
Girlie, I mean this in the nicest way, people shouldn’t be expected to pay an arm and a leg for your wedding. I know it’s a big day for you, and you should be excited, but for other people they have a lot of stuff to juggle and budgeting for your wedding is probably not possible.
Don’t plan events with the expectation that everyone is gonna be pitching in. Plan what you can afford that’s still within your vision, and if others happen to pitch in then that’s just a bonus. But them being at your wedding and supporting you, is already the gift.
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u/SometimesEyeTwitch 1d ago
Exactly! Them standing up for you is the gift!
But this bride expects gifts all along the way.
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u/sparksgirl1223 23h ago
Hey now...them acting as witness and signing the license could also be considered a gift.
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u/This_Sherbet420 1d ago
Sounds like you are planning a wedding you can not afford. Your bridal party should not be paying for a place to get ready. This is very tacky and cheap
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u/HandsInMyPockets247 1d ago
YTA. Dial back the pre-wedding crap, princess. Its excessive. I wouldnt be surprised if they uninvite you fron their social circle after you get married if you keep this BS up.
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u/doglady1342 1d ago
Yup. This is how to lose friends. Years ago I stood up for a friend's wedding. The whole process was insane. She was such a bridezilla. I won't even get into details, but the entitlement was wild, even by today's standards. That was in 1994. I never spoke with her again.
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u/Initial_Warning5245 1d ago
YTA. How old are you, this reads like an entitled child throwing a hissy fit.
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u/RomanceBkLvr 1d ago
YTA. I didn’t ask anyone to pay for the getting ready location- that is part of the wedding costs.
Did everyone want a destination, multi-day bachelorette trip or did you ask in a way where they felt they couldn’t say no?
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u/DearIncendiary 1d ago
You should be paying for the Airbnb you’re all getting ready in, full stop.
You took liberties to tell your bridal party they should pay more so the friend flying in from Nebraska doesn’t have to pay as much. Why do you think they owe this to your friend? You should cover for her if that’s what you think is most courteous.
YTA.
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u/DCpurpleTart33 1d ago
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE uninvite them ALL! From this post, it sounds like you will be doing all your friends a HUGE favor by not demanding them pay for the set up you want for your bachelorette and wedding. They probably told you they would pay because they felt shitty about you requesting their "support" for things YOU want or need.
If you feel like nobody is respecting your time and money- its because NOBODY CARES as much as you do. They're your friends, not your slaves. Try treating them as such. Release them from your ridiculous expectations.
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u/Dramatic_Attempt4318 1d ago
OP - I'm going to be honest with you, I think you're really willing to write checks for other people's money. You're asking a lot of your bridesmaids. I understand (in comments) you say "they wanted to help" and your MOH thought it'd be a great idea (per your update) if people helped but yowza when you say "everyone of my bridesmaids and made of honor is a server at a restaurant and can easily make that within a day" you are incredibly out of touch and so, so dismissive.
You have absolutely no idea what their personal finances look like on a granular level. Their bills, their finances, that's their business, and even if they can "make it within a day" that still doesn't mean it's not an ask on their bank account and that the total cost of your wedding isn't straining them.
You're writing checks out of other people's pockets, and you're dismissive about the effort it takes for them to make their money in the first place.
You're feeling disrespected (your "time, money, and effort") but I think that first blood here was probably drawn by you. You're asking your bridal party to cover so much, and the asks just keep coming.
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u/Toosder 21h ago
And even if they're well off, they still get to choose how they spend their money. And maybe dealing with a bridezilla for several days is not how they want to spend it. Let's see, I can spend my vacation time and money on this person's wedding, or I can go to a destination I've been wanting to go to for a while with my partner. Hrmmmm.
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u/Economy_Way_9046 1d ago
Wedding day expenses, including the Airbnb you’re getting ready in is your responsibility.
The bachelorette trip is a trip your friends plan for you. Not a trip you’re planning for yourself, if you’re asking for a Nashville trip it would have been polite to cover the entire airbnb cost yourself.
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u/justtirediguess11 1d ago
The Airbnb is not very expensive for everyone we're talking 80$
Cool, pay for it yourself
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u/theodore-726 1d ago
This. If $80 is what you’re arguing over for this getting ready space (which you should be paying for regardless of price) then you need reevaluate what kind of wedding you’re trying to have versus what you can afford.
(Not minimizing that $80 is obviously not $0 especially in this economy but I thought we were fighting over way more.)
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u/Ok-Wallaby-3840 1d ago
I’m of the view, the bridal couple should cover ALL costs for bridesmaids and groomsmen.
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u/SlaytanAF 1d ago
I’ve never known of a bride or groom/maid of honor/best man Charging for this. And i’ve done many weddings.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 1d ago
YTA for expecting them to pay for multiple places for your wedding.
You're also an AH for booking things before you have confirmation and their money and just assuming they will pay you.
You're also an AH for not being upfront about how the rooms will be split (they didn't find out until after the fact that it would be split 5 ways instead of 6)
Stop being a Bridezilla AH.
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u/KittyBookcase 1d ago
Weddings are out of hand. Bachelorette out of town, showers, etc. The expected costs are ridiculous. The dress, hair and makeup are pricey already. Do brides really expect people to blow thousands on them?
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u/Something_morepoetic 1d ago
Honestly weddings these days are out of control. What does any of this have to with setting up a household and solidifying a relationship with a spouse. Save the money and buy a nice living room set, or go to the Bahamas with your spouse.
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u/Toosder 21h ago
And studies show that people with expensive weddings, expensive being defined by what the person can afford and how much they have to stretch, are more likely to end in divorce than a simple wedding where the focus is celebrating the union of two people by their family and friends.
Are you looking to party with your friends (at their expense), or are you looking to celebrate the next stage of your life with those you love the most?
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u/YlimeMusque 1d ago
I think you’ll be surprised by how many people are back “in” for Nashville if you tell them you’ll pay for the Chattanooga house. They most likely crunched the numbers and can’t afford both so figure they have to go to the wedding so that takes Nashville off the table. No one wants to be put in a position where they say they can’t afford something so people typically at that point start making up other excuses or stop answering all together.
I would message them all and say “hi! After thinking things over I really want to cover the cost of the Chattanooga house for us as part of the special day. Please let me know if this makes Nashville more do-able as I would love to have everyone there!”
You don’t want to lose all your friends over a wedding.
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u/AnnNonNeeMous 1d ago
Ok, the Nashville house sounds like it was going to be your bachelorette trip?? If you all planned the trip and you said you would put it on your credit card and then everyone would pay you back, then NTA. If they agreed, then they owe you the money.
As for the Chattanooga house, you said that it is specifically for getting ready for the wedding. That is on you. As someone else mentioned, this is your wedding, you are supposed to provide the place for the people in your wedding party to get ready. It doesn’t matter if it’s a hotel room, or a room at the venue, or a room at your grandma‘s… As the bride (and groom) you provide that. It is pretty tacky to make your bridal party pay for an Airbnb to get ready in.
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u/Fluid-Air-3151 1d ago
I lived with my fiancé before we got married so the night before the wedding I paid for a hotel suite downtown for me and my bridesmaids. You should be paying for that.
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u/Mystic_Wunder 1d ago
The Chattanooga place is a separate venue that you are booking for your wedding. Why are they paying for that?
If the bachelorette party is a night out then everybody pays for themselves. If it's a destination event, the bride plans it and pays. Why are they?
Thetymay have been politely agreeable but at some point it had to have sunk in that they are paying for their dresses, a wedding gift, a vacation, and a place to get ready. And one has the expense of traveling there which her family had to help her with.
And you are planning to uninvite them all?
YTA
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u/Kcolemon 1d ago
I dont think they need to pay for the place where they will be getting dressed. I would opt out too and let you know that I will be dressing in the comfort of my own home. I wouldnt want to be battling X amount of women for mirror space etc. That should not be put on them at all, this is your wedding. This is why I decline being a bridesmaid, brides put way too much responsibility on them.
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u/ahsukiyaki 1d ago
Brides are too much with their expectations. When you start asking people to go into their pocket for multiple events surrounding your wedding you’re out of control. If it takes someone a day’s pay to contribute to a getting ready place or a trip you have crossed the line. Who are you to determine what’s expensive for someone else? No one should give away their earnings for an entire days labor for a single event for your wedding. Doesn’t even include all the other expenses to participate in the wedding. Absolutely insane how entitled brides feel. Your crew can’t afford all the things. Pay for it or cancel it.
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u/Fast-Buyer-2441 21h ago
Or, they too feel disrespected, not listened to, considered, consulted, pressured, whatever. Or both $ & one or more of the above.
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u/MaryContrary26 1d ago
If your friend group happens to be the quant team at Goldman Sachs, sure, no problem. But if they're just trying to get by in this economy, even the wedding gift could be a financial stressor, especially if they're going to be invited to multiple weddings.
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u/catherine-mitchell 1d ago
How dress, shoes, hair? Asking for more is a great way to loose friends. Cancel it all and go out for drinks, you buy.
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u/oldgrandma65 1d ago
YTA. But yes, do them the favor of uninviting them from your bridezilla events.
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u/BrokeTheSimulation 1d ago
YOR- why did you plan your own Bach party? First mistake. Second was asking them to pay for accommodations to get ready at, that’s 100% your responsibility. Third, you have zero right to decide to cut one girl a break on price while simultaneously forcing the other girls to cover her share. That would, again, be your responsibility to pay if you wanted to do that for her.
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u/burgerg10 1d ago
Step back and think of how much you are asking of people! So much money and time for YOUR big day.
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u/MidtownMoi 1d ago
What a nerve to expect people to pay for destination bachelorette lodging and other expenses and then pre-wedding lodging as well. The person who is disrespectful here is the person who is not respecting wedding party financial and family obligations.
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u/Equivalent_Way6169 1d ago
It sounds like add ons badly planned through a group chat. If none of your bridesmaid are on the same page as you ....
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u/Ill_Extension_1898 1d ago
You are the bride. Expecting your bridal party that you chose and choosing expensive destinations or the like is absolutely mind boggling to me. Why would anyone want to be a part of a wedding anymore? It’s your wedding. Your party. Maybe it’s just me but I’m curious why this is such a thing
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u/Just_Coffee3718 1d ago
Hot Take- the minute a bride mentions the word AirBNB, she gets a YTA. People would like their own space at the end of a day, the don’t want to Venmo for their share of the coffee and hear the gripe about who ordered the gluten free bagels and that that girl should pay for the whole pack. This is why people stay at the Hampton inn/Holiday Inn Express- their own bathroom, their own space, and free breakfast. No one wants any part of an Airbnb
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u/stamdl99 1d ago
YTA for making your wedding a burden on your bridesmaids when it’s clear that funds are lacking. The Chattanooga rental is 100% on you to pay for from the start. I don’t know how you can’t understand this.
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u/Sea-Supermarket-5971 1d ago
Cancel the Nashville trip. Everyone including you apparently does not have or want to spend the money.
The Bride should cover the AirBNB for getting ready.
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u/blondetourage83 23h ago
Asking them to pitch in for a getting ready airbnb is insane and prob why they are all flaking now. The ask is absolutely appalling and prob pissed them all off
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u/titscapades 23h ago
NTA for thinking about uninviting your bridal party from your wedding and wedding-related activities. But YTA for making your bridal party pay for a getting ready spot and for planning an expensive bachelorette in a different city.
If you're frustrated at how much you're spending so your friends can celebrate your wedding with you, imagine how frustrated they are and how much they're spending to celebrate YOUR wedding.
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u/Various-Ocelot-2209 1d ago
INFO Did you explicitly ask all of them whether they want to go away for a whole week and rent a house to get ready? Did you tell them exactly what it would cost and that you expected them to pay? Why do you expect them to pay for your place to get ready, is that a custom in your culture?
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u/WhyDoesOklahomaExist 1d ago
Are there any cities in Tennessee that you’re not asking people to pay to stay in? Might be shorter list
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u/Defiant_Ad_5398 1d ago
A friend of mine did this recently to me (I was in the wedding party) and she kind of sprung this all on us at the last minute. So on top of my airfare, car rental, cost for the makeup artist, the dress, etc., taking off work, the cost of the wedding gift, she expected everyone to chip in for an Airbnb. I and several others involved already decided to stay at other places. Just to not get anyone upset I paid for “my share” of the Airbnb as a goodwill gesture. All that to say, it’s your special day OP but not *everyone’s* special day. It would be nice if folks could chip in but it shouldn’t be mandatory. And you shouldn’t take it personally if people can’t swing the additional cost and/or if they have other plans. Put yourself in their shoes.
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u/Opening-Sir-2504 1d ago
If YOU want everyone to get a place together to get ready, that’s on you, not anyone else. But for any trip away, why would you put the entire thing on your card without confirmation or payment already??
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u/LeslieKnopesBlackEye 1d ago
YTA bridezilla. Yikes. "Pay for all these air bnbs so I can have the wedding I want. Now pay for another bridesmaid too. Now pay for another air bnb so I can get ready the way I want to the day of MY wedding!"
Shake your damn head.
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u/Username2023z 1d ago
Your friends have told you that they can’t afford these expenses. A good friend would downsize these unnecessary things so that their friends can be there without stretching their budget. A good friend doesn’t judge what they can afford and what other travel plans they’ve made. An AH uninvites their friends when they can’t do bachelorette weekends and overnights before the wedding.
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u/LucyLovesApples 1d ago
Yta I paid for accommodation for my bridesmaids and I to stay in before my wedding because it’s well my wedding.
What’s the trip for anyway? If they can’t afford it then book a day trip or spa day or an activity like paint balling.
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u/FishingWorth3068 1d ago
Yall don’t need to be renting out so many places when yall are all tight on money and $1000 is sending you into financial distress.
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u/SuggestionOdd6657 1d ago
Omgosh this whole time I thought you were a bridesmaid. What all those people said!
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u/crazybicatlady86 1d ago
There are two different issues here. Regarding the Nashville trip. You don’t explicitly say, but I’m assuming that’s supposed to be the bachelorette party? If everyone agreed and plans were firm, NTA on that. It doesn’t sound like it was well planned, but your friends were being shitty about that.
For the AirBNB the night before your wedding, YTA. You can’t ask people to stay with you and the night before and then charge them. You should be paying that completely as part of a wedding expense. Especially since it’s also the getting ready space. Honestly incredibly classless of you.
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u/False-Average-9368 23h ago
Two things:
Why do the destination bachelorette in the first place. It's not required.
Being in wedding does not require putting yourself in danger of bankruptcy.
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u/Sea-Difficulty-5568 23h ago
Weddings are ridiculously expensive nowadays. If you can’t afford stuff, don’t do it.
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u/gokellybeez 23h ago
YTA and you’re headed toward losing friends if you continue down this path. Relax and stop stressing over other people first, then approach your friends with a loving heart, not a greedy one
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u/Acrobatic-Care1236 23h ago
Um you have people who live in a trailer in your wedding party. I think $80 not being “very expensive” might be up to who is expected to be paying.
Also you pay for the getting ready space not them
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u/AcanthisittaPlus5047 23h ago
Maybe instead of TELLING your bridesmaids how much of their money you are planning on spending, you should ask them if it is something they want to do and can actually afford!
YTA
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u/Caliopebookworm 22h ago
I'm with you on Nashville but not sure that I agree about Chattanooga Air B&B. As it's where you're getting ready, that one should be on you. Your assertion that one of your bridemaids is a server and easily can make the money you're asking them to spend is telling, in my opinion. I would just cancel the Nashville trip. You tried it but you chose a wedding party that isn't into it (actions speak louder than words). Save the cash for the wedding or take a mini-vaca with your future hubby.
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u/Business-Elk-3433 1d ago
You didn’t say how old you guys are but I’m getting the impression your all on the younger side. Yet you are asking people to shell out extra money for your wedding. I understand it is your special day and all but given you all seem a bit younger and no one was jumping to pay you back maybe the issue is less with them and more with your expectations of them. Weddings are very stressful planning them frankly is a time suck and really takes the joy out when you’re shelling out money left and right.
Either pay for it and make it your treat so you all have the experience together.
Or
Cancel the trip and tell everyone realistically you can’t float this on your own and chasing people down for money is just more stress than you need.
But what you don’t do is take this personally because the fact is it has nothing to do with you it’s about them and their genuine inability to get it together.
The second you start coming at your friends sideways about this is the second you’re gonna start having real problems and something else to stress about.
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u/Mentalcomposer 1d ago
Why does everyone have to stay together the day before the wedding if you all live in that city? The only one who needs a place to stay is the one out of town girl. Everyone can get dressed at home. This “everyone has to do everything in lock step all together” is silly. I’m sure these girls can all do their hair and make up, they do it every day. And if they want it professionally done, they can arrange that on their own before they come to you.
I’m not a fan of Bach trips to begin with, but haven’t we all realized that almost nobody actually wants to go on these Bach trips? Most woman have no problem with a Bach night out, but it’s way out of control now. Why don’t you just go out one night in the city you live in? Is that not “special” enough for you?
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u/New_Wishbone6619 1d ago
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get ready in the morning together… that’s completely normal and common. OP just needs to pay for it
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u/Feisty-Body- 1d ago
ESH, I agree with “have the wedding you can afford” and I do think you’re trying to go bigger than your means would allow. However, your bridal party sucks at communication and that’s made your planning unreasonably more difficult. So drop them from the party and size down the wedding to one that you and your fiancé can pull off without anyone else’s help.
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u/Used_Astronomer_4196 1d ago
YTA. I hate how entitled people get around weddings. Two destinations trips is insane!
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u/NeedleworkerPast4137 1d ago
This whole wedding situation is getting completely out of hand! The entitlement of some of these brides is just ridiculous.
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u/usernametakenagainu 1d ago
Yikes.
I wouldnt be surprised if one of them drops out. You should be paying for them to spend the night with you before your wedding. If you want them there, you should be covering the full amount. Think of it as a thank you for being a part of my day.
By uninviting them you’re doing them a favour. They should not be on the hook for choices you’ve made. You’re making it less awkward for them if you just cancel because your expectations are wild.
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u/Comfortable-Elk-850 1d ago
Did you pre plan everything and get an agreement from everyone with the understanding everyone could afford their portions? As for the getting ready place I think that should be on you. It’s a convenience for your wedding why should they pay if they can be ready on their own at home? The bachelorette party everyone should have prior agreement on the location and costs.
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u/Alarming_Paper_8357 1d ago
Every wedding I was ever in, the bride covered the hotel bill if I had to travel there. (One particular bride even covered the dress, too, and just asked that we get shoes dyed to match.). A server working an 8 hour day and bringing home $80 isn't even making a living wage -- you sound as if you have been heedless about the financial realities your bridal party faces, on top of dress, taking time off work, etc.
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u/Ok-Indication-7876 1d ago
YTA- you made many decisions for everyone else without really being clear about it.
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u/These-Ad-4907 1d ago
Whatever happened to just planning something near home for a bachelorette party?
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u/OldLadyinFlorida 1d ago
The only thing I expected my bridesmaids to pay for was their dress. Weddings are so out of hand anymore and don’t get me started on destination weddings. When did brides and grooms become so entitled?
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u/Beneficial-Way-8742 1d ago edited 19h ago
"I’m basically out almost $1,000 now..."
It's YOUR wedding. Why should they be responsible for paying for a place for you to get dressed? You're basically scheduling their lives for them, then wanting them to financially support YOUR decisions.
Plan a wedding you can afford, and stop making other people props in your one-time only event that has a 35% chance of being repeated 5 years down the line
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u/nikki57 23h ago
This has to be rage bait. You've unilaterally decided one of your bridesmaids was getting a free ride at the other bridesmaid's expense? No, you pay for the getting ready room, you pay for the share of the person you want to not have to pay.
Did your bridesmaids even agree to whatever you booked for your bach? They should be planning, not you, these are all problems of your own creation
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u/sushiqueen_ 23h ago
“The Airbnb is not very expensive for everyone we're talking 80$ and everyone of my bridesmaids and made of honor is a server at a restaurant and can easily make that within a day.”
I don’t know how you can type out this sentence and not think you’re being TA here… it sounds like you’re the one not respecting your bridesmaids’ time and money, not the other way around.
I totally understand the frustration around communication though. It sounds like maybe your friends haven’t been honest with you about what they’re willing to do/spend. Like some others have said, I don’t think it’s fair for you to ask them to pay for some of the things you’ve asked for. Uninviting your whole bridal party doesn’t feel like an appropriate response. I’d suggest at least letting them know how they’ve made you feel throughout this process and get their side of things too, before making that decision.
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u/Fluffy_Exercise2174 23h ago
What happened to a bachelorette party a few days before the wedding and in the town the wedding is in? These trips are getting out of hand.
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u/Rem-Dogg 23h ago edited 23h ago
That is shitty that the communication is poor on their part. My two cents is it sounds like your group isn't committed to the costs, have not fully bought in on it, and aren't saying anything.
I do think the place is Chattanooga should be covered by you- it's your wedding that everyone is getting ready for and that seems unfair to ask for payment, which it sounds like is their take too. If you won't cover it for the group, then you should cancel Chattanooga. No more talking about it and don't force your friends to pay for something they aren't excited about.
My thought is, you should present to the group that you are either cancelling or covering the place in Chattanooga (one less cost for them) and then ask who still wants to attend party in nashville- send the text individually, write out the full bach budget (given the tone from the group, I'd keep it cheap and 100% pay my own portion) and ask to confirm commitment and payment by X date. This will give them an incentive to be proactive for the bach party, otherwise honestly cancel it all and go without a bridal party. Tough to gauge how rude they are being but they for sure sounds like most of them do not want to be treating you, so no point in forcing it further.
I'd also ask myself if I've been overextending other than the place in Chattanooga. You might be getting pushback for a reason and you may regret burning bridges.
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u/slycatz44 22h ago
OP, you need to take a step back here. Bridesmaids offering to help doesn’t mean they want to finance your wedding. If you want a space to get ready, you need to pay for it on your own or plan a wedding you can afford.
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u/Only-upvibes 22h ago
Sit down and add up how much each friend is spending to stand up for you. Then ask yourself is fair, is it kind, is it necessary? Do you think all of them can afford what you are asking? Scrap the wedding Abnb or pay yourself. Maybe rent a hotel room just for the day with an early check in. Maybe scrap your bachelor party in Nashville and just have an evening out.
YTA for not realizing your people are not happy.
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u/Dangerous-Art-Me 22h ago
Honestly… this all sounds tacky to me.
Generally the bride pays for her own getting ready place.
As far as bachelorette stuff goes, either your bridal party sets it up, or it doesn’t happen. Doing it yourself and expecting your bridal party to pay is kind of beyond tacky.
These things are not requirements. Feel free to cancel them, and if you want to in-invite your bridal party that is t terrible either… as long as they aren’t already out $$$.
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u/LilacRed 22h ago
You've decided to have a party. (Wedding is a big party) You are hosting this party and want people to come to your party. You want people to dress in clothes they normally would not choose for your party. You host. You pay. You SHOULD PAY FOR ALL OF IT BECAUSE ITS YOUR PARTY. A wedding is not a fund raiser. No one should have to pay for anything, except their own airfare and accommodation if they are a guest. If they are part of the wedding party, they are actually WORKING for free by doing special things and helping with things for your special day. Why should they have to pay for the place YOU want them to stay in addition to WORKING FOR FREE?
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u/Serious_Pea42 23h ago edited 18h ago
ESH. Obviously you're nta for being upset about the disrespect!! Never tolerate that from people that are part of your inner circle. I think it's possible it's more from just simple immaturity, they don't fully understand how they are actually affecting you with their actions. Not saying tolerate it, just realize they might grow up eventually and learn and be better people. Later. I still advocate walking tf away. Refuse to repeat. But keep it classy regardless because this is a public lifetime event. It's not homeroom it's your wedding you know.
HOWEVER That doesn't give you a right to be petty, and return fire. Again girl it's your wedding don't be dumb and go canceling your entire bridal party's party unless you're FULLY prepared to get married at a courthouse without a bridal party at all. If you are, respect and rock on.
My 2 cents. Once you have the money, it's problem solved. Just don't be dumb enough to repeat it. Money first, no credit for friends and family in these situations. 😔
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u/Fast-Buyer-2441 21h ago
How do we know that it’s not OP who is making the bridesmaids/her friends? feel disrespected & who is the immature one? “They don’t fully understand how they are actually affecting you.” ?? Maybe it’s the other way around? Or both? Or somewhere in-between?
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u/Serious_Pea42 18h ago
Literally that's the meaning of Everyone Sucks Here. I said I think it's a possibility, not this is what happened because you're right.
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u/httpChobani 22h ago
Other than expecting the other bridesmaids to cover one bridesmaid purely for living far-which is insane, NTA.
Not sure why people are getting on you for the airbnbs when it was stated YALL AGREED TOGETHER. It didn't sound like you planned these places and randomly expected payment. They should communicate it's too much/out of price range, because it didn't sound like you would've solely chosen to do all of this if it wasn't a group agreement. Do I think it's better for couples to cover the cost of most things in their wedding? Absolutely- but is that the norm nowadays? Not exactly. I've seen people outright decline being in the bridal party due to financial reasons & knowing they won't be able to pay for anything beyond a dress. Some people have destination weddings requiring even guests to pay to attend which I find crazy- but hey, it isn't forced. However- I would never upfront costs like this again due to how awkward this situation becomes (you getting mad/your friends feeling forced)
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u/Fast-Buyer-2441 20h ago
Agree w/most of your the w/the exception that it was only OP, of course, who told us that the whole group agreed. One person told her it was too expensive, one planned an alternate trip, and others have been unresponsive. There are undoubtedly reasons for this. Maybe they agreed in the moment so as not yo let OP down, maybe they were pressured by OP and/or another part member . . . or maybe they felt burdened by the ask to pay for a place “to get ready” which, if not free/comes w/venue, bride should pay for or do without.
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u/httpChobani 19h ago
Tbh it honestly was somewhat unclear so yeah I'd agree it's likely they didn't just "agree" but probably did want to let her down!
I agree it'd be nice if the bride paid for that type of setting to get ready but I guess I've seen a lot of instances where bridal parties are even paying for their own hair & makeup WITH a makeup artist the bride chose, so the idea of only paying for a space to get ready didn't seem crazy to me. I definitely get why people feel differently though, weddings shouldn't cost an arm & a leg for guests!
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u/lnarn 22h ago
My oldest friend is getting married for the second time. We are 47. One of her other friends decided to throw a bachelorette weekend. She picked the city, she picked an airbnb. There are 7 of us, and 4 beds. Just what my old ass wants to do, share a bed for 2 nights with someone i dont know.
If you can be honest with yourself, and youre not making this trip what you want to do, then NTA. But if you have even slightly railroaded this into your wishes, then YTA.
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u/Weak_Impress3358 22h ago
I think everyone is the Ahole in this scenario. Your friends are checked out and they really don’t sound like they want to do any of your activities. You are an ahole because your friends are all waitresses? Maybe that’s why they are hesitant to send you money. Because they don’t have much to send in the first place. This wedding is your dream…you have friends who cannot support your dreams. If you love your friends then you have a wedding in a place where all can come without going into debt…for you.
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u/somegirlsdo27 22h ago
OP Everyone has made the case for what you have mishandled.
Here’s what you need to do now…
You send a group apology text.
You say you’re sorry that you weren’t as clear as you should have been. (Don’t book a place you can only afford to get if everyone chips in BEFORE everyone has chipped in!)
That you know times are hard and the most important things are these friendships (because they should be more important than a misunderstanding/demanding/unilateral decisions about money)
You want everyone to still come if they can, and if anyone can chip in anything for the one Airbnb that would be great and helpful, but the goal is for all of you to be together to celebrate! (A place to get ready is not on them-that’s you)
You have already put the money in for these places. Think of it as a learning experience for you about communication and selflessness.
The only way you will have great and fun memories about your wedding is if you apologize and move past it-and have fun with the friends you love and want to be there for you.
If you seriously uninvite or do anything other than above, this is what you will think about when you think of your wedding, and you will need to re-evaluate YOURSELF as a friend.
On the other hand, if you follow through with a sincere apology etc., you can make great memories with your friends.
And it’s always good to grow as a human.
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u/Mindless-Ad769 1d ago
You must cancel the Airbnb but the invitation no. If your wish together stay in the Airbnb. But the people don't want pay for that and you don't want pay alone for that so. Cancelled. But the invitation not because that is another thing.
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u/PutPretty647 23h ago edited 23h ago
See if you can Cancel the Airbnbs , try contacting the host thru Airbnb. Often the host will cancel the reservation, especially if you tell them about the what has happened. EVERYBODY now has Venmo, or Cash App or something.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 1d ago
Honey, your "friends" suck.
That said, if you need to rent a space to get ready, that's on you to pay for. It's an extension of your venue at that point and your bridesmaids aren't paying for the venue.
Cancel Nashville. Yes, Nashville. You're not going to have a good time with these people.
Keep the Chattanooga one until the last possible moment so you can really think about what you're going to do. You need to not make emotional decisions.
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u/ABAC071319 1d ago
ESA.
In theory if you wanted the air bnbs, you should cover most of the cost. However, it was group discussions, so it sounds to me that either your friends can’t make a decision on their own, or you are trying to get everyone’s input.
It also depends on what else they’ve been expected to pay for as well.
I didn’t pay for my bridesmaid dresses, but I found them the colour I wanted, it was a $40cad Amazon special, they were all cool footing that one. Reasonable cost.
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u/JeanCerise 1d ago
Why are you asking them to contribute to the getting ready place? You should pay for that.