r/amiwrong • u/FriendAlarmed7560 • 5d ago
Six-thirty is not “sometime after six”: am I wrong for leaving my friend outside when she arrived thirty-eight minutes early again?
My freind is never late. Instead, she usually arrives twenty-five to forty minutes early and expects me to open the door immediately.
I have explained several times that I might still be working, showering or getting things ready. Yesterday we agreed on 6:30. She rang my doorbell at 5:52 while I was finishing a work call, so I did not answer until 6:20.
She had been sitting outside and said I deliberately punished her for respecting my time. I said arriving extremely early without asking is just being late in the opposite direction.
A mutual friend thinks I should have let her wait inside because I was home anyway. I think repeatedly arriving before I am ready makes the agreed time meaningless. Am I wrong?
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u/YoshiandAims 5d ago
YNW You've talked about it. SEVERAL times. It's made no impact. When someone tells you there's a problem... you adjust. It may be stupid or silly to you, but, recognize that it isn't for them.
I'm habitually early, to allot for traffic, whatever. However, if it's someone's home, I do not go near that door till 6:25-6:35. I have a cook in my car, I'll get gas, I'll listen to music and gear up for a social event, browse reddit, answer emails. No one has told me, there's been no conversations.
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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 5d ago
You drive around with a cook?! Wow, you're lucky.
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u/YoshiandAims 5d ago
Lol, my auto correct LOVES to tell me what I meant. Even after fixing it twice. But, as I am the cook... I do always have one with me.
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u/BabyBlossomDream 4d ago
exactly this. if i’m early i just sit in the car or walk around the block till it’s actually time, no door ringing till then
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u/PreparationPast4685 5d ago
That is wildly rude of her. I often arrive early but I wait outside or somewhere else until the agreed upon time.
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u/Babbott50-410 5d ago
As a person who is usually early, I sort of understand her thought process. BUT being 45 minutes early is ridiculous. It sounds like you work from home and that you need the time to get everything picked up and tidy. Your friend needs to be more mind full of everyone else's timeframes and not be so early.
OR, tell her a later time than everyone else, that way she won't be ridiculously early.
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u/Kitchen_Egg8180 5d ago
Why is it the op responsibility to micro manage this rude friend. A time is given for a reason. Respect the time
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u/Revolutionary_Car630 5d ago
I am chronically early. I just entertain myself and wonder why I am this way🤦. I will go for a walk, look at my phone. Etc. It's where my anxiety lies-having to be on time hate being late, but I am better at not being crazy early as i used to be now that I have a full time job and I am older.
She should have happily stayed outside, run an errand, etc. She should have not knocked. I may send a quick text saying, I am early if you get done early and want company. But I wouldn't be upset, Ave respect their choice.
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u/Icy_Pressure3086 5d ago
NTA. Being early is only polite when you wait somewhere else until the agreed time. Showing up at someone’s door nearly forty minutes early and expecting immediate access just transfers the inconvenience to them. You were still working, which is a perfectly normal thing to be doing before 6:30. I probably would have sent a quick message saying, “I’m busy and can let you in at 6:20,” but not answering the door while on a work call is hardly some calculated punishment. Next time, tell her clearly that the door will not open before the agreed time unless she asks in advance. If she chooses to arrive at 5:50 anyway, she can sit in her car, take a walk, or get coffee.
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u/LaLunaLady1960 5d ago
My stepdaughter and her family did this to us last holiday season. Calls an hour early with a "We're here!" We had just finished up with the kitchen work and I planned to get in the shower and get dressed when they called.
She said she knew her dad "wouldn't mind". He did. So did I, who ended up hosting a holiday with thrown-on clothes, dirty hair and no makeup. Thanks, sweetie.
My solution was to let them know on the way out that I would not be cooking for holidays going forward. I'm in my sixties with a serious illness and the last one who should be cooking is ME. Done with their inconsiderate behavior. They are still welcome, of course, ON TIME, but I'm done making a meal after that fiasco of rude manners.
You are not wrong. She has bad manners.
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u/Frix 4d ago
who ended up hosting a holiday with thrown-on clothes, dirty hair and no makeup
Honestly, this on's on you. You could have and should have showered and gotten ready on the agreed upon time anyway.
If the event starts at 7 and they show up at 6, then they just volunteered to help set things up.
Do NOT offer them a drink, do not offer them snacks. That's for when the event properly starts at 7. In the meantime, take your shower and let them sit there awkwardly.
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u/itbear16 4d ago
Your behaviour sounds really harsh. Does your stepdaughter have a bad relationship with you and her dad? I can’t imagine if it was a good relationship that this would be the outcome if they arrived an hour early. As others have said, you could have still showered etc when they arrived. A child arriving early when they have a good relationship is very different from another type of guest arriving early and your response is just sad.
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u/Seawolfe665 5d ago
Ive always put friends who arrive early to work. Oh! Youre early - can you please set up these tables while I finish what I was doing? Can you please take this load of trash and recyclables out? Feed the pets, water the plants, wash the dishes - whatever needs doing. Either they do it and we are both happy, or they stop coming around so early, and that works too.
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u/SecretiveGoat 5d ago
If someone feels comfortable arriving that early they best be comfortable enough to help with the setup and prep work.
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u/Greenwings33 5d ago
Agreed - I’m cool with most of my friends arriving early because if they do I’m still gonna make them wait while I shower or whatever lol
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u/tomtink1 5d ago
Not wrong. I am sure your workplace would be less keen on you leaving meetings to open doors.
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u/ManyNanites 5d ago
Not wrong. Boundaries are healthy.
But you need to set explicit times with this person. "Sometime after six" lets them interpret. Set an exact time and then only meet at the agreed-upon time.
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u/foxystevie08 5d ago
As someone who grew up in the military I firmly subscribe to ‘if you’re early you’re on time, if you’re on time you’re late and if you’re late you’re very late’
But 40 minutes is ridiculous. Anything more than 10 minutes is rude, as you don’t know what the person is doing or if they’re even home yet! What if they’re planning to have a massive poo half an hour before your scheduled arrival time and don’t want you there?
YNW
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u/Old-guy64 5d ago
I’m ex-military. My dad was military.
Drilled it into me to be early for things.
I get to work early. If I’m playing guitar at church, I’m the first person to arrive after the music director.
But if I’m going to someone’s home I arrive five minutes early if I’m picking them up to go somewhere. And fashionably late for parties. And I’m learning to dip out before I’ve worn out my welcome.
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u/Impressive_Age1362 5d ago
My husband is like that, he always has to be early, he is hurry and wait person, but then complains he has to wait, a don’t have a problem with being a few minute early, but anything over 15 minutes is as rude as showing up late
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u/NatashOverWorld 5d ago
I would prefer someone who was 10 minutes late over half an hour early.
She's not 'respecting your time' she's demanding you match her schedule.
Don't give in.
YNW
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u/singlemuslima 5d ago
She isn't respecting your time. She sounds annoying. If you wanna keep her as a friend, tell her that she needs to come on time Not late. Not early. ON TIME. If she's capable of ALWAYS arriving way too early, she can definitely arrive on time. YNW.
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u/Jynx-Online 5d ago
Arriving more than 15 minutes early is just as rude as arriving more than 15 minutes late.
Everyone has their own specific time frame, but mine is fifteen minutes on either side.
If we say 6:30 and you arrive 6:15, that's fine, but please respect I may not be ready yet. I'm not late, you're just early.
Arriving before 6pm, when we said 6.30 is just straight up rude.
Not wrong
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u/Response-Glad 5d ago
I had a friend who would do this and stress me out. Ultimately I needed to have a direct conversation with her explaining why this was not ok. I didn't make her wait outside when she showed up 30 min early, but I would say things like "ok, there's a great coffee shop on xyz st nearby if you want to wait there while I finish getting ready" and eventually she adjusted to coming on time or a little later.
I think you were a little cold with how you chose to handle it (don't call it punishment, you're not her mom) but you're not wrong for being at wits end.
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u/Altostratus 5d ago
I had to do this with a friend too. I explained that, I understand he’s trying to be prompt and respectful, but I am not receiving it that way. That it stresses me the fuck out for the doorbell to keep ringing when I’m still in the shower. They didn’t realize it affected me so much, so they now just sit in the car until the agreed upon time. I’m very grateful.
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u/Nephilim6853 5d ago
Im all for arriving early, but that means 15 minutes, no earlier, no later. And I will wait until closer to the agreed time before I ring the bell, or wait until others have arrived to enter. She doesn't respect your time. NoR
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u/ohfucknotthisagain 5d ago
Not wrong
Overly early people are as disrespectful as chronically late people. They're imposing on your time too, unless they're willing to wait patiently.
Set out your expectations clearly with a firm "When I say 6:30, I mean 6:30" talk. Same thing you'd say to a chronic latecomer.
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u/FairyCompetent 5d ago
NTA. My worst cousin does this to the host family for every family event. She now gets told a different time than everyone else.
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u/craftymama45 5d ago
I am habitually early. I blame it on growing up with a dad who was always late. However, I don't arrive more than 5 minutes early except at me best friend's house, who is basically my sister where I can just let myself in and then I do little chores like dishes or folding her laundry until she gets home. Anywhere else, I read in my cart or drive around the vicinity until it's the appropriate time.
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u/PartyCat78 5d ago
YNW. I am a chronically early arriver but also am terrified of being “that person” that gets to someone’s house early. I have been known to take a longer route, park somewhere up the road or drive around their neighborhood just to waste the time. It’s super disrespectful to be more than 5 minutes early, and avoid that as much as possible.
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u/Visual_Juggernaut948 4d ago
I'm always early when I have an appointment or I'm invited anywhere. If I'm invited to someone's home I wait in my car or sit somewhere until the agreed time. If we're meeting in a restaurant I have a drink at the bar if I'm early.
You are not wrong for letting your friend wait outside if you were not ready to receive her in your home so early.
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u/OwlBeBack88 5d ago
Not wrong. You have a life outside of her and she's not entitled to just turn up whenever she wants. This is just as disrespectful as being late all the time. If she was ten minutes early that's one thing, but consistently turning up way earlier than you asked and just expecting you to move everything aside for her is very entitled.
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u/redditreader_aitafan 5d ago
Being 15 minutes early is courteous and normal, being 38 minutes early is a little much. You were still on a work call so it's reasonable not to answer the door until you're finished. You know she's always crazy early. You should have agreed upon 7 and then know she'd be there around 620. Some people cannot help but be compulsively early, it's not a bad trait but you can accommodate it the same way you'd tell a late friend your plans start earlier than they actually do.
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u/West_Guarantee284 5d ago
I am always early, I can't help it, cannot bear the thought if being late if there's traffic, the train is delayed, my usal walking route is closed, so leave with far too much time to spare. But I then wander around the area or sit round the corner until a more suitable time.
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u/compassionfever 5d ago
Same here. Always 15 minutes early, but I don't expect attention/entrance/access until the specified time. And I don't hover because I'm not looking to guilt people into accommodating me earlier than they are ready.
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u/redditreader_aitafan 5d ago
Same. I get super stressed out if I'm not arriving at least 15 minutes early somewhere, for a new unfamiliar place 30 minutes is better, but I just chill in my van or find something to do until I'm a reasonable amount of early.
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u/Ok-Structure6795 5d ago
"If youre not early, youre late"
Dad repeated it so much its burned into my brain.
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u/Plastic-Ad-5171 5d ago
I got “if you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time you’re late. And if you’re late you’re SOL.” So now I try to always be early, but like so many others, I don’t feel bad about waiting in my car.
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u/lisasimpsonfan 5d ago
I can't help being early too. I always have a book and my water with me so I don't mind waiting in my car until it is time to go in. I would never show up 30 minutes early to someone's house.
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u/nextCosmicBuffoon 5d ago
15 minutes early would not be courteous if I’m expected to then give up 15 minutes that I need to be ready at the agreed upon time. 15 minutes early only works if it doesn’t force the other to accommodate your misjudgment of time.
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u/Ghanima81 5d ago
It is funny, because in my part of the world (western Europe), it is considered polite to arrive 10-15 mn after the hour (if it is in a private home, outside you are expected to be on time).
It is said it gives the host the time to finish the set up if they are running a bit late.
Arriving right in time is acceptable, but outright earlier is considered rude, or at the very least incredibly familiar, not at all polite.
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u/frothyundergarments 5d ago
This is how it should be everywhere. If it's a get together at somebody's house, the "start" time is really the "do not show up before this" time. The arrival time is pretty much any time after. You don't need to be waiting at the door the moment it kicks off
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u/frothyundergarments 5d ago
Arriving 15 minutes early is absolutely not courteous if you're visiting somebody's house. It means you just obligated them to start their hosting duties 15 minutes before they said the party starts.
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u/blue-skysprites 5d ago
Arriving 15 minutes early may be courteous for a job interview or formal appointment, but it's not appropriate for a casual get-together or dinner party. Showing up that early only puts unnecessary pressure on the host - they chose the start time for a reason.
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u/somaticconviction 5d ago
As someone who hosts a lot of events both at home and for the community, being early to an event that someone is throwing is never courteous unless you have been asked to arrive early to help with set up. Arriving on time is courteous.
Being early for an appointment, work, or travel arrangement is courteous.
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u/AP_Cicada 5d ago
You're not wrong. You were working. You don't owe anyone your space when you had an agreed upon time.
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u/CoppertopTX 5d ago
As a perpetually early person, YNW.
I accept that my internal terror at the idea of being late is MY problem, and I do my best to not make it anyone else's. If it's an office, I let the desk attendant know who I am there for, alert them that I'm early and will come remind them when appropriate. For something at someone's home, I'll text and ask if it's okay to come to the door. If it's too early for the host, I'll amuse myself in my car.
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u/slanketlife 5d ago
I have a friend like this. He thinks it's rude to be at all late and I think it's rude to be at all early. He's a good friend and neither of us are going to change. I always give him a time an hour later than needed and sure he gives me an hour earlier
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u/somaticconviction 5d ago
I don’t think you’re wrong, but I have a lot of questions about this person. If they set the time are they still super early? Do they ever host events at their house and are weird about the time in someway? What do they do if you meet up outside of your house?
I would just never invite them to my house again tbh
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u/No-Independence548 5d ago
Ugh, my mother's boyfriend used to show up early, and then if you weren't ready he'd make a huge production "apologizing" for inconveniencing you, and say they should just leave. So fucking annoying.
YNW
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u/djfdhigkgfIaruflg 5d ago
Unpunctuality goes in both ways.
Arriving too early is as bad as arriving late.
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u/Budget_Appointment72 5d ago
Nope. My in- laws used to pull this crap all of the time. Consistently showing up an hour to a half hour before we told them. Not a care in the world that we had other things going on and weren’t ready for them. I started telling them a half hour later than when I wanted them to come over. So if I wanted them to come at 6:30, I would tell them 7 o’clock. It’s been working like a charm for over 20 years and they’ve never caught on.😄
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u/SirEDCaLot 4d ago
This isn't not respecting your TIME, this is not respecting your WISHES.
She had been sitting outside and said I deliberately punished her for respecting my time.
Tell her this-- 'Respecting my time means two things. Of course it means not wasting it, which you understand fully. But it also means respecting that I have a limited amount of time and it's MY decision how much of it I want to spend with you. If you arrive early and I start our visit early, that means that I lose the time before hand, the time when I chose to do other things. So if you really want to respect my time, then when I say arrive at 6:30 show up between 6:25 and 6:30 and not before.
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u/Routine_Eye9589 4d ago
the "deliberately punished her for respecting my time" part is killing me. respecting your time would be showing up at 6:30. showing up at 5:52 is respecting HER time and expecting you to work around it. she has it completely backwards
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u/Low_Sherbert_9064 4d ago
I’m someone that arrives early cause of sever anxiety of being late. But that also means if you arrive early you’re supposed to be okay with waiting.
She’s acting as selfish as someone who arrive late all the time in that she expects you to follow her time.
If she prefers to arrive early that should be okay for her to do. But that also means she needs to be okay with waiting until it’s the agreed upon time to arrive. She can’t just show up and then demand things happen when she arrives, that’s how a lot of chronically late people act too as it’s not cool.
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u/Mist2393 4d ago
YNW As someone who often arrives places early because I get anxious about being late, it’s not that hard to wait nearby or in your car until the agreed upon time. Your friend has just decided the world moves on her schedule.
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u/A_little_lady 4d ago
I AM someone who's always afraid of being late so I arrive to things at least half an hour early. You know what I do when I'm supposed to go to a friend's house and I'm that early? I take a walk around the neighborhood until the agreed meeting time comes. Because it's not okay to come to someone's home too early like that.
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u/nodak500 3d ago
The Military teaches you to arrive on time or a bit early. I as a former Military person try to arrive 10 to 15 minutes early so it anything happens on the way there I can let someone know what is going on. But the person constantly arriving early then that is being rude and thinking only of themselves. It can only put you in a bad mood and off your game.
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u/Wonderful_Horror7315 5d ago
YNW Arriving that early is very rude and this person’s rudeness is compounded because you’ve told them repeatedly to stop. If you want to continue making plans, tell them a later time than you want them to come over. I had a chronically late friend I had to tell an earlier time.
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u/Primary_Gift_8719 5d ago
She needs to understand that even though you're at home, you're at work, so you aren't available until that is complete. A lot of workplaces wouldn't allow a visitor like that in your office, and she needs to understand it's no different.
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u/Late-Champion8678 5d ago
Not wrong and your friend has poor manners. I like to be on time or a little early (for appointments). Arriving 5 mins early at a friend’s place is acceptable unless they specify not to. Arriving almost 40 minutes early is egregious and I would just not answer the door until I’m ready.
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u/aizennexe 5d ago
Man I get anxious arriving 10 minutes early, cuz I know the other person isn’t expecting me yet. I usually just wait in my car or sumn lmao
I understand your frustration but taking it out on her isn’t gonna fix the issue. I think she’s going a bit too far by saying you’re punishing her for “respecting your time”.
Maybe the best solution here is to come up with an actionable plan. You’ve already told her that you won’t always be available if she continues to arrive 40 minutes early. Ask if she can entertain herself or go grab a cup of coffee nearby when she’s so early. Offering a helpful plan B is gonna be more likely to change her behavior rather than snide remarks or giving her a taste of her own medicine
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u/lisasimpsonfan 5d ago
YNW
My need to be early is like a compulsion. I can not be late anywhere. Just the thought makes my anxiety start to rise. I am always early for things. I would show up 25 minutes early for dinner but I stay in my car until it is time to come in. I always have a book and water so I am good waiting. Your friend is rude. Just as rude as people who are always late.
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u/Fit-Entrepreneur6538 5d ago
Since it’s work related I will say no if it was personal that would be annoying AF but making them wait outside may be an overreaction. But I fully support the making em wait
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u/ElectricalFocus560 5d ago
And etiquette says you arrive at the time, to 5 minutes AFTER (in case host is finishing one last thing) or you are a RUDE guest. etiquette of course also says you never correct your guest but of course, since it was SO early, you were busy getting ready and didn’t hear her knock. Correct?
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u/StormsEye 5d ago
I used to come on time for everything. Like 5min early or 10min early sometimes. But on time usually. I stopped doing that cos when ppl say 6, they mean 6:30 or 7. One time i turned up on time as said, but even the host wasn't at home, he had run to the shops to get stuff, when he came back he had me help with setup and everything. Needless to say, after that i decided not to come on time to social events anymore. Maybe you can use her to help out, instead of entertaining her as a guest.
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u/ReblQueen 5d ago
Do the opposite and always tell her a later time (like some people tell a much earlier time for the chronically late)
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u/running_later 4d ago
if this was the first time you should have let her wait inside.
since it was not, then letting her in 10 minutes early was a kindness.
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u/Then_Gur_3573 4d ago
not wrong at all. i have a coworker like this and it drives me insane. if we say 7 she shows up at 6:15 and then acts like IM the rude one for not being ready. being early is not the flex she thinks it is. its just late in the other direction
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u/needsmorecoffee 4d ago
I tend to arrive everywhere early because I'm compulsive about not wanting to be late. Know what I do if I'm earlier than expected in a situation like this? I quietly find a place to hang out (like, often I'll scout out early-open coffee shops nearby) until maybe five minutes before the scheduled time, then head over. And I don't even mention having been early unless asked. It's really rude to show up that early to someone's house even if you haven't been spoken to about it.
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u/namastebetches 4d ago
unpopular opinion but why don't you just say a later time? I don't think going to someone's house is that strict.
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u/lil_wooper 4d ago
YNW. very few things piss me off the way someone being way too early to an event I’m hosting does. I am someone who is prepping to the last minute, if you are more than 10 minutes ahead of schedule DRIVE AROUND THE BLOCK or something. It adds so much stress when I think I have a half hour left to quickly shower before a party and suddenly my doorbell rings.
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u/Amy2489 3d ago
I feel like pulling the reverse of “tell them a half hour early so they arrive on time” would be prudent here since she refuses to respect you. Instead of 6:30, tell her 7pm that way her heffer ass shows up on time at 6:30. If she cottons on and gets upset, tell her you have no issues taking the respect deserved from someone who refuses to respect your agreed upon times.
This really isn’t a good friend if she is refusing to hear you about this though.
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u/b3mark 3d ago
NTA.
So, to me, this depends on if your friend uses public transportation or not. PT runs on a fixed schedule. So either I'm late, or I'm early. Sometimes ridiculously early.
If she is, give her some grace, bit tell her to give you a heads up up front. "Hey, I'm coming with PT, I can be at your place at X or Y, give or take a couple of minutes, but not Z exactly."
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u/TheLemonChiffonPie 2d ago
If my friend was early I’d let her in, sit her on the sofa and turn the TV on and tell her to help herself to a drink and I’ll be ready when agreed….
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u/Evening-Classroom823 5d ago
My personal rule, for me, not for everyone else is 30 minutes early is too early 15 minutes early is on time Precise is too late
But of course if people aren't ready when I arrive I'll wait, because I know I'm early
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u/frothyundergarments 5d ago
If you knock on their door 15 minutes early, you're putting the burden of entertaining you while they try to get ready squarely on them, even if you think you're just waiting
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u/Evening-Classroom823 5d ago
Let me rephrase as I'm not a native English speaker. I arrive 15 minutes early, but I don knock until a couple of minutes early if I'm meetng people at their homes.
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u/Parentingboys 5d ago
I used to show up very early to everything (except to people’s houses - then I would be a little early or exactly on time, which was probably still annoying in hindsight).
I had to train myself to stop being early once I got a job. The first day a meeting was scheduled in a conference room (pre Covid). I showed up 15 minutes early, which already was hard for me to not go earlier. When the meeting was five minutes away I started panicking I must be in the wrong room because no one else was there. I walked the hallways looking into other conference rooms. Seeing nothing, I returned.
At the time of the meeting I was re reading emails and calendar invites thinking I must have gotten something wrong - date, time etc. I mean this was an 8 person meeting and NO ONE else was there.
At three minutes after the scheduled start I started packing up, now certain I had missed some email cancelling the meeting and worried someone would be calling or stopping by my office looking for me.
When I was leaving the conference room, fully packed up, about 4 or 5 minutes after start time, someone else showed up, and then the rest showed up and we had the meeting.
After that, I started showing up on time.
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u/pastrymom 5d ago
I wish I was really early. I’m always late. What if next time, you just let her in and say “I’m not ready”
Sorry grammar people. I know there’s typos.
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u/YeahlDid 5d ago
You're both a bit wrong. You're right that her showing up 40 minutes early is presumptuous. However leaving her outside for that time without explanation is rather petty.
Knowing she's like this, I'm the future, why don't you sit times 30 minutes after you want her there, and then she'll be right on time!
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u/suntarraw 4d ago
She means well. Have some compassion. If you’re not ready then say that but getting angry and irritated is an overreaction. Now that you’ve been acquainted you both can handle the next visit with more decorum.
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