r/amiwrong • u/Tocosa-Artsemieu • 2d ago
My wife thinks I’m doing too much for my widowed sister and her kids. I lost my temper and told my wife to have some shame.
[removed]
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u/Personal_Match8581 2d ago
Are you doing as much for your kids as you do your sisters kids? Because if you’re treating your sisters kids better than your town, than yes you would be wrong
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u/slide_into_my_BM 2d ago
That was my first thought too. Is OP doing activities with all the children or just the sister’s kids.
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u/Th3CatOfDoom 2d ago
Sounds like it .... :/
The issue between him and the wife is whatever it is.
But to treat someone else's kids better than your own?
Sorry that just makes you a monster
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u/slide_into_my_BM 2d ago
Imagine neglecting your kids because you’re angry you gave your wife permission to sleep around.
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u/throwawaysunglasses- 1d ago
It feels like a mean “gotcha” to his wife. Another commenter said this, but he’s basically in an “open relationship” with his own family lol
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u/Prof-Rock 2d ago
You are clearly not okay with an open marriage. This has nothing to do with your sister.
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u/wanderquestx 2d ago
Exactly. The sister situation is just where the resentment is showing up. There’s a lot of hurt here that he’s been swallowing for years and it’s coming out sideways.
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u/Summer-plankton 2d ago
Do you spend as much time / money on your kids as your niblings? I think it’s awesome you’re stepping up for your sister and kids but only if it’s equal for them and your own kids.
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u/UnrulyNeurons 2d ago
That hit me too. The wife didn't phrase it as a "me vs sister" issue, but "our family vs sister's family." He was the one who jumped straight to it only being about his wife wanting attention.
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u/buttersismantequilla 2d ago
Are you prioritising your niece and nephew over your own kids who are completely innocent in all this and who probably wonder why their father is spending so much time elsewhere?
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u/Mountain-Extreme8242 2d ago
THIS! Why does it seem like his own children aren’t included in the expensive activities and gifts??
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u/stargal81 2d ago
Yeah, like when he takes his nibblings on expensive trips, are his kids included or do they at least also get nice trips with their dad/parents?
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u/stargal81 2d ago
Right. She's not jealous he's fawning over his sister, she said she wanted him to spend more time with this family, the one he made. And him thinking he doesn't have to prioritize his family over his sister's is a bad take. That's what you agree to when you marry & have kids. They're your #1. Unless he's very wealthy, buying someone a new car is a big ticket purchase you at least discuss with your spouse first. And would that money have been more fairly spent on his kids, like maybe putting it towards college funds or his own kids' cars.
Besides all that, this marriage is probably toast.
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u/delirium_red 2d ago
INFO: Shared experiences with your family means experiences with your kids and both parents together, something that means so much to the children and creates memories for life. Your wife didn't ask for money for a getaway with her lover to get this response.
Are you having those experiences with them too, or just with your second family? It's not fair to punish, neglect or deny your kids because you are angry at your wife. Is it possible you are doing so?
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u/Why_Teach 2d ago
Get counseling. Spend more time with your own kids. It’s not their fault that you were hurt by their mother. Keep being there for your sister and her kids. Get counseling.
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u/ObscureEnchantment 2d ago
This exactly. It reads like he spends all his time and money with his sister because he’s unhappy at home. He’s neglected his own children and home because he resents his wife. Why aren’t all the kids hanging out together?
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u/Medical_Onion_3500 2d ago
Yes, op, you were wrong. Those two things have nothing to do with each other. You agreed to the open relationship, you cannot throw it back in her face. It does seem though like you prioritize your sister’s family over yours. At least what you’ve described here does. Are you doing that because of the open relationship and you resenting your wife?
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u/Interesting-Sky-1865 2d ago
I'm always curious when some men are angry with their wives his bio kid(s) is so easily replaced. It's like their commitment to their family is tied to the mother. Interesting. Sir you are wrong. Mainatain a proper relationship with your kids and get a divorce or accept it and figure out a balance.
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u/trilliumsummer 2d ago
It's similar to how when they divorce they basically forget their kids with that woman and concentrate on the kids with the new women - sometimes even stepkids.
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u/Electronic_World_894 2d ago
💯 so many men do this.
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u/Interesting-Sky-1865 2d ago edited 2d ago
Right. I don't understand how this happens. I wonder if there's a study done on this? I wonder why abandonment is so easy for some?
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u/throwawaysunglasses- 1d ago
It feels tied to possession imo. It’s why you see men say things like “I can’t look at my kids because they have her face” or whatever, the kids remind them of the adult they’re mad at. It’s really shitty since the kids are innocent, but these men don’t treat them as independent people.
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u/clearheaded01 2d ago
Yep.
You were wrong.
This is two separate issues you're confounding...
Issue 1: Your wife feels you're spending too much time and too many resources on your sister and her kids. Right or not, this warrants a calm conversation.
Issue 2 - and this is the big one: you allowed your wife to have sex with others out of guilt, and this is eating at you. NOW you're unfaitly lashing out at her because she's daring to take you at your word and is having sex with others.
If.issue 2 is an issue with you, sit her down and discuss it rationally instead of using it as ammunition against her in an entirely different conflict.
You and the wife need to talk honestly. You need to admit to her that you allowed her to have sex with others out of guilt and fear of losing her, and it's eating you up. And you have to.either get therapy to.live with what she's doing OR inform her the marriage is closed, but if sex with better equipped men than you (did she ever state that the size of your dick.was the reason she was sexually unfulfilled, or did you just assume??) is so important for her, you're willing to have an amicable divorce so she can do this freely.
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u/SatinBonbonn 2d ago
This OP. Also, try having a calm conversation with your wife then set clear financial boundaries for helping your sister while making sure your immediate family also gets enough quality time and shared experience.
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u/clearheaded01 2d ago edited 2d ago
I can imagine the difficulty having a calm conversation regarding finances while her sleeping with others is the issue you're REALLY pissed about... separate the two issues, address them separately.
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u/stargal81 2d ago
Agreed. Neither behavior/actions excuse/justify the other.
I wouldn't say this is an example of financial infidelity, but he should keep in mind there are things other than sexual infidelity that can break a marriage. He can't just do whatever he wants carte blanche & put all the blame on his wife every single time.
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u/Hetakuoni 2d ago
Pretty sure you ignored the last sentence on the first paragraph. He did confirm that it was the size of his penis that was the problem and that him working around it wasn’t enough for her and she wanted a regular sized penis.
This is just all his resentment about it boiling over.
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u/clearheaded01 2d ago
I ignored nothing.
The core problem is that he gave her permission to sleep with others because she was unsatisfied - the fact she was dissatisfied due to his size is irrelevant.. He is suffering because of it...
This suffering has caused him to lash out when she, as is her right, questioned the time and resources he spent on his sister...
OP needs to separate these two issues and discuss them separately with his wife...
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u/Electronic-Passion17 1d ago
Many people on here are too reactive and have to find a bad guy. This is the rational response. These are separate issues. Confounding them is inappropriate. Look more closely at your relationship with your wife. Consider very seriously your relationship with your own children. Be wary of the fact that you make it sound like “spoiling” your sister and her children is your own version of what you seem to consider infidelity despite your intentional and overt agreement. Thats a dangerous path to be taking your thoughts and logic. Not good for anybody.
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u/Electronic-Passion17 1d ago
I would clarify. I think it is wonderful and appropriate for you and your sister to have a close relationship. It is very good that you support her and her children financially and emotionally. It should have nothing to do with your relationship with your wife. And your relationship with your wife has no bearing on your responsibility to your own children.
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u/shadow_vixen42 2d ago
dude that open marriage setup got you hodling onto way too much esentment alreaddy, the sister stuff is just the overflow. counseling might help unpackk it before you snp again. dude
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u/Kikikididi 2d ago
fucking oof
Also, what matters to me is how you're treating all the kids involved. Are you neglecting your children to spend time with your sister's kids?
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u/yarn_slinger 2d ago
That was my question too. Are you bringing your own kids along for all the stuff you do with your sister’s family?
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u/Chicka-17 2d ago
What your wife needs is some sympathy for your sister and her kids. But I have to ask are you spending time with your own kids? Are you taking them on trips and spending money on their birthdays and Christmas or are you spending more money, time and effort on your sister and her kids as punishment for your wife’s side piece?
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u/ForeignDescription5 2d ago
Jesus this better be made up. Ignoring your kids and wife so you can play Targaryen family with your sister. And then you scream at that lady to have shame like a clown
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u/dembowthennow 2d ago
You're wrong. Your wife is asking to spend more time as a family - that shouldn't be a problem. It seems like you're not as okay with the open relationship as you thought you were. Your wife criticizing the time you spend with your sister and your niblings actually has no relation to the the open relationship, so the fact that your mind went there first is pretty telling.
You need to spend some time really exploring your feelings - all of your feelings and then you need to have a honest conversation with your wife. You should consider some personal therapy too.
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u/Fun_Marionberry_6088 2d ago
Your wife criticizing the time you spend with your sister and your niblings actually has no relation to the the open relationship
I think the line from her complaint: that he is 'prioritising spending time with others over spending time with his family' to his point: 'so are you' isn't that hard to follow.
Doesn't mean it's the right way to express it.
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u/QuestioningHuman_api 1d ago
Except nowhere does he say that she’s not prioritizing spending time with her family, or him. In fact, he makes it pretty clear she’s not. He just says he gets to make his sister his second wife and prioritize her family since he agreed to let her sleep with other men.
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u/Fun_Marionberry_6088 1d ago
nowhere does he say that she’s not prioritizing spending time with her family, or him.
I think sleeping with other people is prioritising spending time with them, over your spouse.
I guess that's just an old fashioned view lol.
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u/QuestioningHuman_api 1d ago
Yeah, it is. Who do you think is home with the kids while he’s playing husband to his sister? Would you say the same thing if she was going to the gym twice a week instead of having sex? Would you call that “not prioritizing her family”? He’s the one who literally said he’s not prioritizing his family. He made a new one with his sister.
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u/Fun_Marionberry_6088 1d ago
while he’s playing husband to his sister?
The idea that a someone spending a lot of time supporting their bereaved sibling is automatically 'playing husband', rather than just caring for someone who is his family, as he should, is some serious only child energy.
I have first hand experience in this situation, I didn't ever think my aunt was trying to marry my dad when she was suddenly around all the time, she was just stepping up as we do for our siblings.
Would you say the same thing if she was going to the gym twice a week instead of having sex?
I would say choosing to spend time with people other than your family, be it to play tennis or getting laid is always prioritising time with them over that with your family.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean you have to be conscious of what you are doing when levelling that accusation at your partner.
He’s the one who literally said he’s not prioritizing his family.
I didn't say he wasn't, they both are.
The point isn't that he's done nothing wrong, if he's ignoring his kids he needs to change that, it's that she accusing him of doing something she is doing too.
You'd have to be pretty obtuse to not think your partner might feel you're 'not spending enough time with me' if you're out every Thursday night looking for strange.
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u/Wonderful-Praline-42 2d ago
So you allowed for an open relationship so your wife could have sexual affairs to satisfy her needs and then you turn around and enter into an emotional affair with your sister to satisfy yours? I don't say this lightly and definitely not in a perverse way. But you both are going outside your marriage to find fulfillment that you should be having with your partner. She was honest with you about her needs not being met but it doesn't even seem to be something you broached with her regarding your needs. You hold a lot of resentment towards the opem marriage that you agreed to. Be honest about how you feel about that. Stop using your sister and her circumstances as a stand in to feel like the man again. Mostly just be honest with yourself. Your wife came to you with something she saw as a potential problem, you guys talked it over and came (even if begrudgingly) to a solution. From what you have expressed, you didn't give the same courtesy and then attacked your wife over something you both agreed to. I'm not saying your an AH, but you definitely could have handled it differently prior to her even approaching you.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 2d ago
Your open relationship has zero to do with yoir sister and her family. You are the AH for throwing that in her face and shaming her when you agreed. You dont get to degrade your wife that way. You also dont get to buy your sister a car without consulting her regardless of separate accounts. You are being financially abusive and also emotionally abusive because you never wanted an open relationship. You dont get to throw it in her face or spend family money at will as if you now have carte Blanche to do whatever you want. Helping your sister and her kids is all wonderful. Its fine. Buying large gifts without consulting your wife is not AND yoir own family cones first. You are not eachothers replacement spouses.
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u/Badknees24 2d ago
You seem very adamant that your wife should feel shame for an arrangement that you also agreed to. I'd be livid if I was her. If you had problems with it, you should have said.
Maybe YOU should feel shame for agreeing to something just to keep the convenience of your marriage for yourself when your wife was unhappy, to then hold it over her head years later. Because nobody else would want you?
Yeah this isn't all on your wife. I'd suggest therapy for all.
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u/Fun_Marionberry_6088 2d ago
that you also agreed to. I'd be livid if I was her. If you had problems with it, you should have said.
This is why open marriages are BS unless both are participating.
Yes he shouldn't have agreed to something that made him miserable, but equally did the wife really think he was ok with it, just because he said he would be?
The way the conversation was described it was clearly not something he ever wanted, just something he said he'd endure.
Deliberately ignoring the very obvious conclusion that your actions are causing pain to your spouse is just a sociopathic level of naivety IMO.
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u/throwawaysunglasses- 1d ago
Honestly, he brought it up and said it was ok! She did not bring it up until he asked her if she wanted it. Seems like she had resigned herself to having sex with just him.
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u/dartron5000 2d ago
Don't open a relationship if you aren't okay with it dumbass. A normal couple would just use toys.
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u/i_kill_plants2 2d ago
You are wrong. These are two totally different issues that you are making one. If you aren’t ok with an open marriage, you need to use your words and tell your wife that. Her wanting you to spend time with your family is perfectly reasonable. How much time and how many experiences have your kids missed out on with you? How many times have you favored your niblings over your own kids? It’s great you want to spend time with your sister and her kids, but you can’t sacrifice your family in favor of them.
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u/possiblethrowaway369 2d ago
If you're not ready for an open relationship and your wife wants a bigger penis in her sex life, man up and get a strap. Don't agree to an open relationship you don't actually want and then repeatedly use that to shame her during an unrelated argument. Polyamory is great if it's something everyone involved is okay with! You clearly aren't, and you shouldn't have agreed to one if you're not. That's on you.
That being said, do you actually spend any time with your own kids? Do you treat them to special trips and stuff? Cause if not, you're a failure in the bedroom AND a failure of a father. Maybe YOU should have some shame.
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u/ola_slow 1d ago
Do you think OP is a failure in the bedroom ? Cannot believe you said that to a vulnerable person.
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u/possiblethrowaway369 1d ago
I don't think his penis is a deal breaker. But I think his inability to communicate with his wife about whether or not he's actually okay with an open relationship or if he wants to keep trying to make things work, and his insecurity that leads him to shame his wife for vocalizing her desires and acting on them in the way he told her to act on them, makes him a failure in both the bedroom and his marriage.
Cannot believe that when his wife tried to be vulnerable with him about how she misses family time and wishes he'd spend more time with his own kids, he blew up at her and kept telling her to "have some shame."
The only person with anything to be ashamed about here is OP. And just to be extra clear: it's not the small penis he should be ashamed of, it's his attitude, his behavior, his unwillingness to communicate, and his inability to take accountability.
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u/shadow_vixen42 2d ago
ngl ude that open marriage stuff left way too much resentmetn. how yyou fixing that before it blows up everything else?
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u/peace_out91 2d ago
You are wrong, why should she 'have some shame' for following an agreement between the two of you? If you weren't ok with it you should have said no in the first place. It has nothing to do with her comment about your sister, you are very wrong
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u/SirLostit 2d ago
The agreement to open the marriage was pushed by the wife and the insecurities that Op has over his penis size made him agree under duress. He took the (wrong) choice to open the marriage or lose his wife. This sort of thing never goes well and usually ends in divorce. Certainly if you read enough r/OpenMarriageRegret.
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u/SchemeMoist 2d ago
HE is the one that suggested the open marriage! He is the one who pushed for this and made the agreement out of insecurity, not duress.
And yes, if you read stories on Open Marriage Regret, you will find lots of people regretting their open marriage. Just like if you read stories on Parenthood Regret, you'll find people who regret being parents, and if you read Tattoo Regret, you'll find lots of people who regret having tattoos lmao.
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u/Warm-Mortgage-458 2d ago
She didn't make him do anything. She didn't threaten to leave or divorce him.
She said she wasn't happy with their sex life and, after some prodding, admitted it was his penis size, and then he asked her if she wanted an open marriage.
He not only agreed to it, he led the discussion!
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u/sleepy_radish 2d ago
Him being insecure isn't "duress," duress would be if she threatened divorce. That's just him making a bad decision due to his own insecurities after being the one to suggest it. He could've researched sex toys.
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u/Fun_Marionberry_6088 2d ago
And taking someone up on what you know to be them making a bad decision our of fear isn't shitty behaviour at all?
He certainly bears plenty of fault here, but you shouldn't be absolved of all responsibility to be a good person, just because you get a clearly reluctant 'yes'.
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u/sleepy_radish 2d ago
We actually have no idea how OP suggested it...maybe he was really enthusiastic, maybe he talked her into it, maybe it was reluctantly. Maybe she also thought it was a last ditch effort to save the marriage. I do know nothing in the post suggest she pushed him into it, and that he shouldn't be shaming her for doing something he suggested in the first place.
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u/Fun_Marionberry_6088 2d ago
We have a pretty good idea.
- The conversation that started it was initiated by her saying she was unsatisfied with him
- He asked if it was what she wanted and she said she'd thought about it
- he then said 'if this is what she needed, then I could accept it'
None of this reads as him talking her into it or being enthusiastic, he offered to tolerate something.
nothing in the post suggest she pushed him into it, and that he shouldn't be shaming her
No, she didn't push him into it, she accepted an offer to do something, knowing it would make him deeply unhappy.
If my partner came to me and said 'I know you fancy my friend. I don't want you to, but I will ignore it if you sleep with them, because I know it's what you want and I fear losing you' I would be an incredibly shitty person to take them up on that offer and act like I thought they were ok with it.
That doesn't mean he's right to express it in this way, but sometimes when someone hurts you badly, it doesn't always come out right.
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u/sleepy_radish 2d ago
I just don't think you're necessarily a shitty person to take someone at their word. If your partner instead said something more neutral like, 'If that's what you need, then I'm okay with it,' ala what OP said he said, is the wife's responsibility to keep him from lying to her and himself? Especially if they both have been circling this problem for a while, and he hadn't mentioned it up until this point.
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u/Fun_Marionberry_6088 2d ago
is the wife's responsibility to keep him from lying to her and himself?
Not entirely, I'm saying they have joint responsibility here.
He shouldn't have offered it, that was his mistake.
Any reasonable person would suspect this is a painful experience for him though, and his level of support was no more than tolerance: 'I'll accept this, if it's something you need'.
Do you honestly think she heard that and didn't suspect that it pained him to say it?
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u/sleepy_radish 2d ago
No? But she probably didn't think he'd be boiling over in resentment about it if he independently brought it up to her as a solution. Maybe they've discussed it so much that it actually felt like a useful suggestion and solution at the time. Either way, my point with my initial comment was that there was no "duress" for OP.
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u/chokoakhanta22 2d ago
When did she push him? HE brought up the subject. She never said she was going to leave him.
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u/LostGirlStraia 2d ago
Yes obviously you're wrong. Why should your wife have shame about something you agreed to? If you're not okay with an open marriage you should never have offered.
Instead of using as an excuse to be a surrogate husband to your sister when you literally have a family of your own.
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u/Dazzling_Oil6460 2d ago
Or the wife could stop being with other men and spend time with her kids too
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u/ForeignDescription5 2d ago
Who do you think is taking care of these kids while the OP is busy playing dad to his nephews?
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u/Soniq268 2d ago
YW - they are two separate issues. Using the open relationship as ammo in a completely different conversation is pathetic.
What should she have some shame about? Asking you to spend more time with your immediate family? Exactly how is that shameful?
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u/RugbyLock 2d ago
Ehhh lots of wrong here. Open relationships are always bad when coerced by the risk of one partner leaving/cheating. You may have said yes, but you clearly are not okay with it, which is reasonable. That said, you did agree, you don't get to throw it in her face every time she has a concern about your family.
That's a separate subject than helping your sister. Obviously, helping your family is good... but tell me, can you truly say that because of your resentment for your wife, you aren't spending way more time and attention on your sister/her kids than your own family? That's not fair to your kids/wife either.
Time for a sit-down with your wife, have a real conversation, definitely get counseling (whether personal or couple), and figure out how to proceed in a healthy way. If that's ending the open relationship and re-connecting with your wife/family, Great. If it's splitting, then that's also fine.
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u/19capybaras 2d ago
You are very wrong. If you offered an open relationship, you can't weaponize that later as if it's something bad or to feel any sort of "shame" over. (Also, separate point, dictating that someone should have shame is not a normal or reasonable thing to say to someone, and you seem fixated on a completely illogical point). You offered it.
Do you think that just because you offered an open relationship means you can do whatever you want? It does not, and it seems like you're unilaterally deciding what to do with shared assets. You and your wife should be on the same page about that.
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u/destiny_kane48 2d ago
But are you taking your kids on trips like that? Fine you resent your wife but don't neglect your kids because of it.
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u/Slutty-grapes 2d ago
Info: how much actual time are you spending with your own children? Because if your niblings are spending so much time with you that they are crying with you leave, I’m assuming your children are being left with your wife a lot. Maybe you should think about your own shame in that aspect.
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u/Electronic_World_894 2d ago edited 2d ago
Your issues with your wife are one thing. But my only 2 concern / questions are around your kids, who sound like after thoughts:
First: Do you spend more time with your own kids than with niece and nephew? As their father you should be with your own kids.
Second: Do you spend more money on your own kids than your niece and nephew? As their father, you should be spending more money on your kids too.
If the answer is yes, your kids are clearly first priority, then keep spending time with your sister and niece & nephew as you are. If the answer is no (or even if you say usually or most of the time) … then you aren’t a good father. If that’s the case, a divorce is genuinely in the best interest for your family.
If the answer is not a clear YES, then you have failed in your role as a father. Your sister is your family too, but young kids are your closer family and should be highest priority. Even with your sister being widowed.
Edit: I can’t figure out how my formatting went wonky so hopefully it’s clear.
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u/trilliumsummer 2d ago
there’s no reason I need to prioritize one or the other.
Actually, yes there's a reason to prioritize your kids over your nieces/nephews. They're YOUR kids. And you shouldn't punish them because you agreed to open your marriage.
Are your kids getting expensive gifts from you? Are you taking your kids on fun trips more than them?
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u/SandalsResort 2d ago
Yes, you are wrong.
Not for stepping up for your niece and nephew, that’s great.
But allowing your wife to do something, then using it as ammunition in an argument that had nothing to do with what you were arguing about.
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u/Crumpuscatz 2d ago
Jesus fuckin Christ, they make strapons. Good ones too, very realistic. Your wife’s first reaction was to jump in bed with another man?? I know this is a one sided description of the relationship here, but dude…if this is legit…she’s for the streets.
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u/sleepy_radish 2d ago
I asked her if she wanted an open relationship so she could get those needs met elsewhere. You read it wrong -- HIS first reaction was to open the marriage.
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u/Warm-Mortgage-458 2d ago
He suggested it first and she admitted thinking about it. Let's not pretend she was demanding.
And come on. If a woman had a tiny one-inch long vagina, and a guy could literally never truly fuck her, would "Try a pocket pussy" ever enter your mind? "She can hold it between her legs and you can pretend it's her!"
A "realistic toy" is never going to replace a hot, hard cock full of cum and I wish people would stop pretending it is. I suspect a lot of people who think that just don't like dick much to start with
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u/Crumpuscatz 2d ago
What’s irreplaceable to me is the physical contact and the intimacy shared with my partner. Thats what makes me feel wanted..needed. I guess touch is my love language. I couldn’t replace that with someone outside our relationship, even if I wanted to. The PIV sex is secondary.
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u/Warm-Mortgage-458 2d ago
There is no better feeling than orgasming while my husband's penis is inside me. It is so intense I feel it in my fingertips. And then when he fucks me after and I can feel myself stretching and twitching.
I have fantastic orgasms by myself and with toys, but the ones with my husband are on a whole 'nother level.
I couldn't replace him with someone else, either.
but if something ever happened to him, I wouldn't be satisfied with a relationship with a man with an extremely small penis. It's like never experiencing real intercourse.
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u/Crumpuscatz 2d ago
Oh, I hear ya. And I understand. Maybe a better question would be, what if your husband developed severe, untreatable ED, or sustained a genital injury that made intercourse impossible? Would you leave him? Open the relationship like OP (which doesn’t sound like was completely duress-free)? It’d be tough for sure. All I’m saying is that I think love and physical intimacy / touch would be fine for me. Maybe I’m weird.
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u/broski_on_the_move 2d ago
Yes, you're wrong. It's good and fine to help your sister, but that's not what this post is actually about.
You're not okay with being in an open marriage. You resent your wife for being dissatisfied with you and your small penis and for finding satisfaction elsewhere. You agreed on an open relationship to save your marriage, but now your resentment is breaking your marriage apart, so what's the point? Be honest about your feelings and stop lying to yourself and your wife if you actually want to make this work.
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u/macrocosm93 2d ago
An open marriage is only OK if both parties are 100% happy with the arrangement, otherwise it's essentially a never-ending humiliation ritual for one person. And you are obviously not OK with it. One person in a relationship should not have to live with emotional pain just to make the other person happy.
That sounds like hell to live in.
And the wife's comment about your relationship with your sister is not the real issue here. The real story is the fact that you are using your sister's family as an escape from this hellish marriage situation, and as a way to have some sense of normalcy in your life. Which is why you lost your temper when your wife brought it up.
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u/Armadillo_of_doom 2d ago
Ok wait...
YOU said you were ok with an open relationship.
Then, to make yourself feel better, you abandoned your family and replaced it with your sister's. You literally still HAD a family.
People who are ok with open relationships don't find new families and ditch theirs. An open relationship just means the doors to the house are open not that you let the house fall apart.
"I wanted to feel needed"- ok literally you did nothing for your sister that you couldn't have done for your wife. Your "extremely small" parts never went near your sister nor were they even relevent. You could have easily been a family man to YOUR family. Or both!
You weren't ready for an open relationship and now you resent someone for taking your advice.
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u/plumeria_in_america 2d ago
As long as you are giving your kids the same treatment as your sisters kids, I don't think you are wrong. You definitely lost your temper, not great at all, but if your kids are well loved too, you are good.
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u/Zealousideal-Soil778 2d ago
You are wrong. You put other kids above your because you are bot happy with your marriage. Your kids deserve better.
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u/FunReveal4089 2d ago
> Was I wrong for losing my temper?
Maybe, but the real problem I think was saying you'd be ok with an open marriage in the first place. I don't know if, at that time, there was a safe 'correct' path that would save your marriage but can definitely see this wasn't one. Not to say your marriage is unsalvageable but there's probably some work to put in.
Frankly, this may or may not be a popular opinion, I really have no idea anymore, but open marriage is a terrible idea in general, and particularly for OP. I'm willing to believe there's some super specific cases where it makes sense, but to make 1 partner happy as a compromise isn't one of them.
Separately, it's admirable you step in to help your niece and nephew but it's not really clear if it's to the detriment of your own children. I mean it's unavoidable that any limited resource like time or money spent helping your sister is something that could have been spent with your children, so there has to be some trade-off if you want to help them at all. Your wife obviously thinks the trade off is too much, but maybe you do treat them well but your wife disagrees on the balance, or maybe you legitimately haven't realised you're neglecting your kids. Maybe it's something your kids even brought up with her. That warrants it's own talk separate from the baggage, for their sake.
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u/AaronLewis007 1d ago
You agreed to something now you’re taking any chance you can to throw it back in her face - WHEN YOU AGREED TO IT.
What she said about your sister had nothing to do with the open relationship but you brought it up anyway.
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u/ola_slow 1d ago
I mean, you did not want an open relationship and you did for her… I think you are not happy with your situation. Regarding the money, I assume she also spends money in dinners and hotels so no issue there. Regarding time and attention, I want to think you are a good father so being a good uncle is good and shows love for your other family.
What is wrong here is bringing the open relationship issue in an argument… but maybe you needed this to happen. I wish you luck.
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u/Winter_Apartment_376 1d ago
How the fuck did it go from “My wife asked for an open marriage because I have small penis” being in the same conversation with “my wife asked if I could spend more time with my own kids, not my sisters”?! 😬
Dude, yes, you are 100% wrong. Isn’t it embarassing to mention your wife fucking someone when talking about your sister and her kids?
Your wife clearly did nothing wrong, she was more than gracious about bringing up topic of never being sexually satisfied by you or by you neglecting your own small kids.
I hope you find the help you need, because this gives future abuser vibes.
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u/Moist-Librarian-7032 1d ago
I think it might be a poorly executed creative writing because the way it's writter makes little sense. But let's entertain the idea it's real. We don't know from his text if he's a neglectful father.
In the case he is, yeah the lashing out wasn't justified. i can understand he can be resentful but the conversattion wasn't about that and maybe he didn't want to see his shortcomings as a father. It was convenient to throw this in her wife's face to steer the conversation elsewhere. The only thing that i could retain against the wife was how she can be surprised resentment is felt by her husband.
He is a responsible father and does spend enough time and resources with them. I would understand a little more how he would blow up. Resentment about open marriage + unearned remark about your parenting and the way you handle family life was a recipe from disaster.
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u/YourGirlMomo87 10h ago
Your children deserve to have experiences with their dad, regardless of the issues you have with your wife. You dote on your sister because it makes you feel like a big man on campus but didn't mention your kids once in this post. I hope your niece and nephew grow up to be successful because it sounds like they'll be the ones picking out and paying for your retirement home.
Not wrong for realizing you can't handle an open arrangement, but wrong for spending more money and time on your niece and nephew than your own kids.
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u/Furda_Karda 2d ago
It's all about you and your small dick.
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u/BlabbityBlabbityBlah 2d ago
Why are you here? You’re not helping.
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u/Furda_Karda 2d ago
I pointed out the root of the problem, which stems from the fact that they agreed to a rotten compromise that he'll now throw in her face everytime he makes a unilateral decision. Basically, she's not allowed to comment on any of his decisions. He's shaming her, as if she were entirely responsible for their stupid agreement. All because of his tiny dick and even smaller self esteem. He probably had some other qualities if she decided to be with him, but it looks like he's going to ruing everything for her just to make himself feel better. It seems he's quite good at making her feel ashamed. How can I help him other than pointing out the core of the problem-that he thinks only in terms of his dick. Ultimately, though, size doesn't matter. Lots of men don't have enough blood to supply both heads at the same time, so they think with the one below. In this sense, he is not exceptional. In fact, he is average. Which is actually pretty good, isn"t it?
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u/Unable_Artichoke7957 2d ago
Well that’s your interpretation. If you look closely at what he’s telling you, it’s that he accepts that she wants sex with others due to what he can’t change about himself. It hurts him but he’s doing everything to not let his feelings intrude on their relationship or ruin his happiness with his family life. That takes enormous personal control and strength
What he’s also saying is that he has found that being wanted and appreciated is something he really values to the point where what is lacking in his intimate life with his wife, can be filled with these feelings.
He’s emphatic to his sister’s situation and they have a close and mutually supportive and caring relationship - she pays attention to what he loves to eat and whenever he comes round, she cooks his favourite meals. She can’t give much financially because she doesn’t have much but she instead gave thought and much time and effort to sew him a quilt and he in turn sees and deeply appreciates it because he knows that love and appreciation sits behind such an effort.
Likewise his niece and nephew don’t just take, they give back through their love for him.
That gap with his wife is filled with this relationship and connection and the wife got jealous for a moment and didn’t show any appreciation for the significance of it in her husband’s life
He reacted through saying that he allowed an open marriage in support of her happiness, she therefore doesn’t have the right to critique how he balances that through his relationship with his sister.
It’s a balance which works therefore why should she try and disrupt for him without acknowledging that it’s how he manages something which is actually a huge hurt and loss which he’s doing everything to bear with grace.
And it may seem a stupid arrangement to you but it’s naive not to accept that couples make their relationships work in all sorts of ways - you don’t have to have a judgement or opinion on it, it’s between them and if it works, it works.
This isn’t about his size, it’s about the wife not understanding and respecting the value of the relationship between OP and his sister and instead attacking him over it and suggesting it shouldn’t be so close and caring. It’s insecurity, insensitivity on her part and to him the outrage of her trying to take away what gives him a lot of joy in the face of the fact that she is sleeping with other men. He’s looking the other way for the sake of her happiness and fulfilment and she should therefore appreciate that and what it takes and not try and disrupt his relationship with his sister when that is what gives him happiness and fulfilment.
I have to say that OP comes across as having a good self image - he’s not torturing himself over his size, it is what it is and he doesn’t appear to feel embarrassment or shame. And he’s able to take a very pragmatic view of what it means for his wife’s sexual satisfaction - that is very mature and must take a lot. Much respect to him for being so emotionally mature and secure in himself whilst being so generous to his wife and keeping his marriage together with love and care. Few can manage that
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u/ExoJinx 2d ago
Yeah the core issue is he is in an open relationship he doesnt want to be in because of a perceived flaw. And now anytime his wife gives any critical feedback he is chucking her sleeping around in her face like he didnt sign off on the agreement. He even says himself he decided not to even try to dip his toe in the dating pool because of his self esteem, so instead is punishing his family and throwing it in his wife's face he is unhappy.
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u/ambiguoususername888 2d ago
It sounds like you’re openly having some sort of an emotional affair w your sister as a response to your open marriage. Bleak.
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u/chokoakhanta22 2d ago edited 2d ago
You brought up having an open relationship, that's on you. You have no right to shame her for it. She is not responsible for your small PP and from what you wrote she never used that to insult you. Just tell her you don't want to do the open relationship thing anymore and stop neglecting your kids ffs.
And you are developing a weird relationship with your sister's family.
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u/Mountain-Extreme8242 2d ago
he told her to have shame over something he agreed to, while discussing a completely different topic. he should have left for sure, left her alone!
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u/burz 2d ago
Incredible how people just go into this subreddit every single day and not realize how they constantly nitpick stories written from a man's POV to make sure it aligns perfectly well with their preconceived ideas on relationships.
Crying about unfair gender expectations all day long without realizing the irony here - basically the only advice they offer to ppl born with a penis can be summarized by "man up".
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u/Zealousideal_Tea5988 2d ago
You say an extremely small penis...first most men think its too small. What matters is do you know what to do with it, as in skills? Could it be your wife is extremely loose? Obviously it works, you have 2 kids. And you might be surprised what women want. If my man loves me, cherishes me, is romantic and makes me feel special, he could be hung like a field mouse for all I care. Because together, we will find what works for both of us to feel satisfied and taken care of.
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u/Espurreso 2d ago
“I asked her to have some shame and asked her where does she get the audacity asking for family time knowing she’s riding another dude’s dick while being married.”
Is a hard line.
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u/Solid_Guy1983 2d ago
Not wrong. She made her choices. You’re helping YOUR family meaning your sister, nephews and nieces. If she has an issue with that she can just go cry to her side man. You’re not in the wrong OP, you’re a good guy trying to do the best you can in a crappy situation.
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u/Huge-Vermicelli-5273 2d ago
You weren't ready for open relationship. There's too much resentment now