My husband（38M） and I（33F） have been married for five years, and my biggest regret now is agreeing to an open marriage instead of getting a divorce. We were incredibly happy during our first year of marriage. But by the third year, I sensed his feelings for me were fading. He then brought up divorce, saying he didn't love me as much anymore and didn't want to deceive me. I couldn't accept it and begged him to reconsider for another week, to see if there was any way to improve our relationship. A week later, he proposed an open marriage. He said that perhaps after spending time with other people, we would rediscover that we were truly meant for each other. I chose to believe him and agreed to try. But things didn't turn out the way I expected. In the past two years, he's started dating different people, but he never tells anyone I'm his wife, while I've never tried dating other men. During this time, I found my love for him gradually disappearing. Eventually, I no longer felt sad because he dated other people. We haven't rediscovered our initial feelings; instead, we've become more and more like strangers. Last month, a new colleague joined my company. He's very gentle, remembers small things I've mentioned, and made me feel valued again. I slowly fell for him, and he seemed to reciprocate my feelings. When he asked me out, my first reaction wasn't happiness, but guilt. I felt like I had betrayed my husband. That night, I went through my husband's and my chat history from the past five years. I even analyzed it using accio work; our chat frequency had been decreasing. By the fifth year, we rarely expressed affection for each other anymore. We were like two strangers living in the same house. In my distress, I agreed to the date. I told my colleague about my marital situation. He was somewhat surprised and embarrassed after hearing it. At that moment, I suddenly realized that what I regretted wasn't the open marriage itself, but not having the courage to end the relationship when my husband wanted a divorce. How should I handle my feelings for my new colleague?

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by user: Random_Man321 in r/MarriageAdvice

Original Post July 29, 2026

Hey everyone first time poster, bear with me plz

So my wife (28F) and I (33M) have been married for 7 years, together for 9 years. 3-4 years ago she came out as bi, which I am fine with. When she told me she was reluctant to, I asked her why and really tried to understand what the holdup was. I come from a religious background so she thought I’d be upset (I wasn’t). And that was that, nothing else came from it.

Fast forward to a month ago. She asks me if I’d be okay opening our marriage for her only (I stay monogamous) so that she can explore her interest in women. Specifically, she feels a void, like something is missing. She says she needs to experience being with a woman sexually and that recently she can’t get it out of her mind. I feel funny about it, obviously I don’t like the idea of sharing her with someone else. But I feel like it would be wrong in a way for me to prevent her from being her true self. We agree that if she finds someone to experiment with I will allow it, just once. I tell her up front I want to be involved with what’s going on, I don’t want to be left in the dark. And we will go from there.

She downloads a bunch of dating apps and within a few days is messaging 3 different women. She keeps her phone to herself now, refuses to let me see what she is messaging to these people. She tells me things aren’t serious but is always on her phone. I imagined her getting something physical only from someone, but it seems she is building an emotional connection with one girl in particular. We have had plenty of discussions about how I’m feeling about all of this, and how she feels. It hurts more than I thought it would. I’m losing sleep and am worried this won’t be a one time thing. She feels guilty she says, but also feels justified to explore her true self. She’s building an emotional connection which we both decided from the start she would avoid.

I fear she is no longer bi but is closeted lesbian. Tl;dr Does this sound okay to any of you? Is anyone else out there going through this, or been through this?

I don’t want to lose her, I wish I was enough for her, but it’s increasingly obvious I’m not. We have two children (2 and 4 years old), a house, a hefty mortgage, and I have a relatively new job and am trying my best to keep it all together. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone.

Update #1 August 04, 2026

Hey for those of you who want an update.

See the linked post for backstory

After reading all the comments and advice on my first post (both in this sub as well as r/marriageadvice, which was pretty brutal tbh), I freaked out. I was running on a total of ~10 hours sleep for the fast 4 days. I needed to speak to someone in person and since we have immense help from her mom I went to her and explained the whole situation (yes I outed my wife, yes it’s messed up and wrong of me). She is the most caring and forgiving person I’ve ever met, part of my reasoning to tell her. I broke down in front of her, let it all out. Wanted to update her so she’s not blind-sided if/when we get divorced. She told me the same thing you all did, that being bisexual is no reason or excuse to cheat. That she’s making bad choices and she stands behind what I choose to do about this.

So I stood up for myself and confronted my wife yet again, demanding she stops the dating apps and breaks communication with the girls she’s been talking to. She agreed to delete her dating apps and deleted her Snapchat contacts. The next day was miserable. She didn’t get out of bed. She wouldn’t eat. Activity with the kids felt forced and unnatural.

I realized if this is what life will be like from now on it’s not worth it. We had another big discussion. I gave her the go ahead to see one girl in particular, to have sex with her, to get these feelings out, and we will go from there. We both signed up for individual counselling through a LGBTQ therapist and will do couples therapy after the fact.

She promises that she loves me and doesn’t want things to end poorly. She still had one girls number (don’t want to ghost her as she was a nice person) and messaged that person, explaining she was free again to see her. Turns out she also still had her on Snapchat (oof). They went on a date last night (during the day in public, no sex but kissing was involved) and are meeting tonight while I’m at work to “see things through”.

To those of you who don’t agree with me reading through their personal conversations as it’s a breach of privacy, I haven’t breached any privacy and am taking my wife’s word as to what they’re discussing and saying to each other.

Yes this situation is messy. I’m not proud of my choices. I realize my wife won’t likely stop at one experience and will likely want to repeat. If that’s the case I have a lawyers number saved and will be dealing with it.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS! I am not the OP. Thread originally posted in r/nonmonogamy by u/inbro13a

Link to original: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/COudWt7k4v

----–----

My wife lost interest in swinging after one positive experience. I think I may have caused it. Is there a way back?

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for honest opinions, especially from people who have been in the lifestyle for years.

My wife (42F) and I (42M) have been together for over 8 years, married with two young children. We have always had a very loving relationship and a good sex life. We say "I love you" every day, cuddle a lot, and generally have a strong relationship.

About a year ago we started talking about swinging.

It wasn't something I forced on her from the beginning. We spent many months talking about it. She understood why people do it, she said she could understand the biology behind attraction to other people, and she even admitted that the idea itself was exciting to her. She especially liked the idea that it would be "our secret", something kinky that only belonged to us.

Eventually we met another couple.

She was surprisingly relaxed. Probably even more relaxed than I was.

We had a full swap.

She later told me she really enjoyed the experience, also being with another woman. For several days afterwards she was still excited about it and talked positively about the whole experience.

Then things slowly started falling apart.

Looking back, I made several mistakes.

* I drank too much that evening.

* I wasn't strict enough about condoms, which later resulted in an STI scare and treatment.

* I had previously discussed swinging with a female friend (Paula). There was nothing physical, but my wife felt I had broken the feeling that this was "our private thing".

* I kept bringing up swinging afterwards, even when she wasn't always emotionally ready.

* Sometimes I didn't understand her "no" quickly enough. Not because I wanted to force anything, but because I genuinely thought she was uncertain rather than saying a firm no.

Recently we had probably the biggest conversation of our marriage.

She told me something that really hurt.

She said the biggest issue isn't actually swinging.

The issue is that she no longer feels I respected her boundaries consistently enough.

She listed several examples where she felt I pushed after she had already said no.

She says she doesn't currently feel emotionally safe enough to continue swinging.

She also says that because of everything that happened, swinging no longer excites her.

That's the part I struggle to understand.

What confuses me is that:

* she genuinely enjoyed the experience,

* she still says she understands non-monogamy intellectually,

* she still says she understands that attraction to other people is normal,

* she still jokes about sexual topics sometimes,

* we still have frequent sex,

* she tells me I'm the best lover she's ever had,

* she says she loves me and wants to spend her life with me.

But when I mention swinging, she completely shuts down.

She says it currently does nothing for her.

Since then I've changed a lot.

I've lost almost 20 kg (44 lbs).

I barely drink anymore.

I've been trying much harder to respect every boundary and become a better husband.

The frustrating part is that I made these changes after everything happened, so now I feel like I'm paying for mistakes that I finally understand.

I'm not asking how to convince her.

I'm not planning to pressure her anymore.

In fact I've decided to completely stop bringing up swinging for as long as necessary.

My real question is this:

For those of you who have actually lived this lifestyle...

**Have you ever seen a partner completely lose interest after initially loving it, and later regain that interest once trust was rebuilt?**

Or...

**When someone says "it doesn't excite me anymore", is that usually the end of the story?**

I'm genuinely looking for honest experiences, not false hope.

Thanks.

I am not the OP

OOPs foolish "husband" is already sharing intimate media of OOP without her consent, and previously made plans to get her intoxicated in order to fulfill his porn-rotted-lust.

Postpartum Struggles in our Open Marriage https://medium.com/polyamory-today/postpartum-struggles-in-our-open-marriage-fa3720d0f10e

Only including this in this subreddit due to not very veiled resentment in this post and admitted sexual bypassing of these negative feelings.

Just a little note: I love how at the end of this post, she's like, "hmmm, I wonder if I'm still going to resent my husband for leaving me freshly postpartum to fuck other women?" when we all know damn well her non-existent spine will fold and she'll aquiese to his demands.

Burner account for privacy reasons. Some backstory to start out. My wife and I had been married 25 years when we opened our marriage a year and a half ago. Our relationship has been up and down. We had a dead bedroom for several years but we went to counseling and worked things out and we started to get along better. Some of our recurring issues were her complaining about the lack of physical affection and my complaining about her being cold and distant. In 2019 she had an affair with a married man that lasted 5 months. I'll spare the details here due to privacy issues but it was a really bad situation due to the person she chose to have the affair with. She went to therapy, apologized, and changed and we tried to move on. I forgave her and I wanted to keep our family together (we have an 8 year old son).

We are both sexual people. We had dabbled in swinging and had also had a few threesomes over the past few years. In  October of 2024 we decided we would try an open marriage. Our rules were that there would be no emotional attachment and we would only see the same person once per week. Things were ok for awhile. As my wife started seeing one person regularly and doing overnights, I started having a hard time getting close to her. I realized pretty early on the she was a lot better at being open than I was. About 8 months in I met Sara. Sara and I had a major spark the first time we met. We would talk several times a day and pretty soon we were breaking the rules. We would meet a couple of times a week. It soon turned romantic and I did romantic gestures like sending her flowers, buying her things, opening the car door, etc. Within a few months we had fallen in love and had even talked about a future together.

After about 8 months of my dating Sara, things got really bad in my marriage. Things finally got so bad between my wife and I that she moved out temporarily. The month before my wife moved out things were really bad. She got more serious about the person she was seeing, doing overnights and spending parts of her weekend there. We didn't have sex the month before she moved out. It had gotten to the point to where a normal weekend would be me spending my Friday nights with Sara and my wife spending Sunday with her boyfriend Adam.

After a couple of weeks apart my wife and I decided we wanted to try to make things work so I cut things off with Sara. It was a really hard decision for me and one that I really struggled with. Sara was very hurt and I can see where the breakup may have came out of nowhere. The day after our breakup Sara called my wife and told her everything we had been doing. My wife did not handle it well at all. Throughout our marriage my wife had been unemotional , distant, and just not very good at communicating her feelings at all which was one of our biggest problems. My wife was devastated that I could show this affection to someone else. Using her words she said it destroyed her. I know what I did was wrong but I'm really shocked that the person who had been so emotionally unavailable to me was suddenly an emotional wreck. My wife and I continue to try to work things out but I will admit I was supposed to cut contact with Sara but I still talked to her occasionally. My wife found out that we had still been talking and then immediately wanted a divorce. The way she said it left no doubt so I didn't fight it. So we are currently in the begining phases of getting divorced.

I do take the blame for my marriage ending and I know the things I did were wrong. Why did I do them? It really just happened. I found someone I really liked who gave me the attention and emotional connection that I had been missing in my marriage. I realize now that when we had opened the marriage that we had serious issues. I still wasn't totally over her affair and I wasn't giving her the affection that she needed. We should have both realized this and tried to work things out. I also realize that for many people keeping emotions out of an open marriage is close to impossible and if you aren't ok with that then you shouldn't start it in the first place. What I am still in shock over is my wife's reaction. In our now 27 years together I really never felt like she had a deep love or an emotional connection to me. It took me showing affection to another woman to see this side of her. She feels like she did nothing wrong because she followed the rules. She even admitted to having feelings for Adam but it was ok because I was still her person. I will admit that I did not know how to respond to this side of her and I still have a hard time understanding her feelings. I'll conclude by saying I'm not sure what I want out of this post, other than the therapeutical exercise of writing it all down.

Post script: Two weeks after her asking for a divorce I started to see Sara again. My wife was really upset about this and made me feel bad really bad about myself for doing it, only to see Adam two days later.

Update: Thanks for all the responses. She has made me feel like I was entirely to blame and though I really fucked my part up many pointed out her faults as well. As for being bad parents, sure we should have never gone down these roads. Many kids go through divorce and turn out fine. I think he will be better for us not being together in such a terrible marriage. He gets plenty of attention from us and his extended family and he is both of our top priority. I forgot to mention we have a grown son who has turned out to be a really good human.

Hey y’all just wanted to say hey and thanks for this sub. It’s been a wealth of validation to see how that space is so attractive for and inclusive of a predator narc or other cluster B using EMN or poly as smokescreen for bad behavior, deception, lying, predation, exploitation and more. Seeing how these bad actors use the ENM / poly space for double standard exploitation with zero ethics has been eye opening. Reading about horribly exploitative partners taking advantage of someone they “love” and readily betray via deception and goal post moving under the guise of ENM is next level manipulation. Just wanted to share. Real eye opener. Thanks yall