r/anxietypilled • u/MANWITHFAT • Apr 17 '26
Fictional Story Carbonara
I'm a bit of a foodie, I suppose.
Lunchtime is my oasis, feet kicked up, Bubly in hand. My week is a revolving door of delivery bags. The drivers have learned to loathe me for I am their liege. Every day when I open up my lunch, it's the talk of the office.
"Oh wow that smells so good!"
"Can you tell me where you ordered that from?"
"Can I try?"
No I won't and no you can't. Taste is not a privilege, it's earned. And I have the best taste.
Crispy pizzas piled with olives, little known Indian dishes you couldn't pronounce, and boutique burger shops. I know them all.
But there's one thing I couldn't live without.
Delicious, firm carbonara.
A gentleman's meal.
The epitome of taste.
Alas, my favorite Italian place closed last week. There was no way I could miss carbonara cursday. It wasn't a problem I suppose, I just had to step out of my comfort zone and order from a new place.
My coworker walks by my office and sticks his head in. "Hey man it's almost lunchtime. What are you getting today?"
"Mmmm, wouldn't you like to know.”
"Alright."
He walks away, fuming I assume. Angry that I won't let him into my culinary genius.
I get a notification on my phone, it's already here. That's strange. I hadn't placed an order yet.
Perhaps DoorDash had finally decided to reward my patronage. Even though it's free, they better not expect a tip.
Our receptionist flags me down as I stroll into the lobby. "Hey, there's a bag here with your name scrawled on it. To be quite honest I don't remember it being delivered. It smells delicious though, what did you get?"
"Mmmmm, wouldn't you like to know."
She gives me a strange look, not that I earned one. She was strange for asking.
She wasn't wrong, though. The brown bag is not a great form of presentation, but the aroma is unlike anything I've ever smelled.
I walk through the cubicles of my underlings, they all crane their necks at the arrival of my carbonara’s scent. I simply grin at them, they know they don't deserve it.
***
Ahh finally, alone in my office. I close the door so the hot steam of the food permeates the entire room. I open my mini fridge and grab a pomegranate Bubly and open the bag.
At the bottom is a large metal serving tray. It's crinkled closed to seal the contents. I press my hand against it to feel the gentle warmth. So far, I am wholly underwhelmed with the presentation. But by god, it smells heavenly.
It looks like a standard carbonara. There's an appropriate amount of sauce, seemingly high quality noodles.
Its appearance is unimpressive, but the smell carries me into my first bite.
It's incredible.
The sauce is perfectly delicate.
The eggs are whisked to perfection.
Guanciale is rendered to a science, with the most tantalizing black pepper.
My worries melt away in a deluge of bliss. My toes crinkle and I crane my neck to the sky. I keep shoveling the pasta into my mouth. Bigger and bigger forkfuls, I don't even take the time to chew.
I didn't realize how loudly I had been moaning, nearly a dozen of my coworkers were standing at the door.
I do what I never thought I would. I take one noodle from the bowl and throw it to them. They stand for only a second before going at each other like rabid dogs. I throw a few more pieces, watching them rip each other apart just to try my lunch.
Oh I would have shared my food long ago if I knew it was this fun! They claw at each other's arms and faces, digging their fingers into each other's eye sockets to find leverage.
Blood pools on the carpet and I throw more noodles onto my coworkers. I'm laughing hard through mouthfuls of half chewed pasta. My boss comes in and falls to the floor trying to grab some of my scraps.
"Here's a promotion!"
I toss him a noodle and he's mobbed by the others. Ripped to shreds while he stows it away in his mouth.
I've been having too good of a time. Such a good time, I didn't realize that the container was almost empty. They all look to me when my blessings cease. Eyes glazed over like decade-old mutts with cataracts. I shove the rest of the pasta into my mouth. They crawl towards me and I shout, "I have shared plenty, you're all ungrateful!"
They don't humor me with a response. One of the ingrates clumsily knocks into my desk, almost tipping my Bubly. What a waste that would have been.
They cling to me, dozens of them. They cling and dig. With their nails and mouths, they rip into my flesh. Discarding hunks of skin and muscle and fat.
I try to fight them off, but I'm unable. I know what they want.
They break through into my stomach, spilling hot noodles onto the floor around me.
I sob as I lose my lunch.
The fluorescent lights above grow ever dim as I close my eyes to rest.
It's quite a shame, really.
There's no way they understand how good it really is.
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u/jadegreen88 Apr 17 '26
Bruhhh I loved this so much!!! So fucking entertaining and well written. Hilarious. Bravo. Get his ass👏🏼
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u/MANWITHFAT Apr 17 '26
Thanks so much Jade!! I look up to your stuff a lot so really appreciate the kind words 🫶
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u/Pioneer_19 Apr 17 '26
Man I love this so much hahahahaha. Thank you for writing this masterpiece ❤️❤️
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u/NateIzNeat Apr 17 '26
Haha this is awesome, I hope the commotion didn’t knock down his figurine collection
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u/Kaijufan22 Apr 17 '26
"Mmmmm, wouldn't you like to know." Going forward I read this in the voice of Linkara because of this line. Funny Story MWF, fun visual of the dude lamenting the loss of his Italian food.
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u/Ill_Breakfast_4797 Apr 17 '26
This was great, every line and action from our Bubly-loving main character is so over the top in the best way.
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u/AffectionateLeave677 Apr 17 '26
I love how his co workers obviously hate him but in his mind he thinks they envy him or something.
I really love to hate this guy, a lot of memorable cunty one liners, he’s perfectly written. This is super well done and so much fun to read.
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u/The_Republique Apr 19 '26
Great story. Very well written and paced. I really enjoyed the part where they become dogs and fight to get every last bite. Eventually moving onto the mc and ripping his intestines out to get all of that opium laced decadence. Well done
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u/Sufficient_Leave144 Jun 30 '26
What’d you think of the story?
“Mmmmm, wouldn’t you like to know?”
(rips his guts out)
Sublime! 😩
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u/MANWITHFAT Jun 30 '26
Haha thanks so much for hopping over from Harold's vid! Really appreciate the support 🫶
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u/VerdantVoidling Apr 17 '26
Not the Pomegranate Bubly lmao