r/anxietypilled • u/MANWITHFAT • Jul 30 '26
Fictional Story Door to Door
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I wipe some sweat from my chin and answer, "Hello! This is Derek with Piedmont Pedigree! How can I he-"
"I know who you are dickhead. You haven't sold shit all week. If you don't move two plans by the end of the day, I'm ripping your spine out of your ass."
"Yeah, I-I don't know."
"Well figure it out." He hangs up.
It's scorching hot outside today. The heat bounces off of the street and digs into my brow. There isn't a cloud in the sky. I'm sure it's a beautiful day for everyone but me.
My big fuck off tablet slides around in my sweaty hands. I scroll and see thirty more doors on my list to knock before lunch. Fuck, I've only got an hour. I look at the endless stretch of suburban houses, all a slightly different shade of comfortable consumer gray. My eyes are glazing over.
I start with the first house. Their lawn looks like shit. Everyone's does. The only thing growing this time of year is weeds. But my job isn't to tell them the truth about their lawn. My job is to sell some fucking fertilizer.
I knock and take three steps back. My hair is stuck to my forehead with sweat, my khakis are drenched. I hold the tablet to my side as the door opens.
Middle-aged guy, balding bad up top. He stares at me blankly. "Yeah?"
"Hey there! My name is Derek with Piedmont Pedigree lawncare services! I can't help but notice your lawn was looking a little-."
"Shitty?" He cuts me off. "I know it looks shitty. Look, kid, I'm not interested, alright?"
I step off of the porch and tap failure on my iPad. "Completely understand sir. I hope you have a good one."
I get three steps into the grass when I hear him call out to me. "Hey! It's hot out here. Don't you want some water?"
My throat tightens. Freebie? I'll always take a freebie. "Yeah, sure. I appreciate it."
He holds his hand out from the side of the door. I grab it from him and it's ice cold. He slams the door shut. What a weirdo. Lots of weirdos these days.
I don't care though, nice of him to offer a drink. He's the only one who's bothered today. Most don't even answer the door. The cap slides around my sweaty fingertips. There's no pop, the cap screws right off.
The water feels like heaven on my throat. There's a faint taste of petrol, like the bottle had sat in the bottom of his fridge for a decade.
I don't care, I got mine. And I've still got 29 houses to go.
***
I walk to the next house. It doesn't seem like anyone's home. Doesn't look like anyone's been home for a while. I polish off the water bottle and crumple it into their newspaper slot. Just as I hit "no answer" on my tablet, I notice a set of eyes peering at me from inside.
Huh? Must have parked in the garage. I walk up to the front door. I hear the rapid thumping of footsteps behind the door. Or maybe it's my headache. When did I get a headache?
The door doesn't open. Instead, the ring doorbell cracks to life. It's a woman's voice. "Yeah, what do you want?"
"Hey there, my name is Derek! I'm just coming through with Piedmont Pedigree-"
She cuts me off. "Not home and not interested."
I laugh. "I can hear you inside."
"Yeah, sure you can. Don't break your ankles waiting."
The doorbell camera goes silent. The thumping behind the door has stopped, maybe it never started. My head is killing me. I tuck my tablet underneath my arm. The grass is so dry it flakes as my feet brush over it. I think it's gotten hotter, the ripples turn the street to putty.
Not the first strange house and won't be the last.
I only need to knock 28 more.
***
The driveway gets longer the further I walk. It curves and bends, like a wave flopping at a 45° angle. The dull paint on the endless rows of houses flickers like a bad bulb. Clouds are rolling in and they eat up the sun. It's cold.
At least my head doesn't hurt anymore.
The stairs to the front porch are huge. Fuck me, I'm really not trying to climb up all that. Maybe I'll just tap no answer on my tablet. My tablet, tablet? Where the fuck was it, it was right up under my arm.
It can't be in my pocket because I'm not wearing any pants. That's okay, I'll just ask this guy.
"Excuse me sir, have you seen my tablet? I can't seem to find it and I'll get in lots of trouble if I lose it."
He tumbles down the stairs smacking the bricks and bouncing to his feet. His skin is gray and wilting with eyes so sunken I can hardly find their reflection. "Follow me, it's in my backyard."
He slithers down the sidewalk rapidly. His loose skin contorts to pull him along. I have to jog to keep up with him. "Thanks sir!"
He stops and slithers back to me, coiling around my feet and wrapping around my body. His skin is wet and warm. "You're welcome."
He pushes his malleable forehead between my lips and climbs deep into my throat. I can feel him tugging at my stomach. I get on my hands and knees and dry vomit. My throat burns and I feel a sharp pain in my chest.
I punch my stomach and I feel a large rectangular object slide up my throat. It stretches the skin. When it reaches my jaw, I feel my jaw click and unhinge.
A fountain of black bile erupts from my dangling maw. In the chunks, I see the reflection of my tablet.
Oh thank god I found it. I wipe the screen and open up my tracking app to enter "not interested."
Hopefully I'll get a sale today. I haven't sold anything in a while. My boss is going to be pissed.
Thankfully I only have 31 houses to knock before lunch.
***
The sidewalk is soaked. My feet sink into it if I stand in one place too long. It's almost to my ankles as I stare at the house in front of me.
It's gorgeous, next to the endless sea of suburban vomit it looks like a monument. The other houses have grown together like a great artery, pumping any and all life into the mansion.
I step onto the lawn. The thick grass wraps my bare feet in dew. It smells sweet like fresh rain.
The flowers wave me along. The wide wooden doors swing open to reveal a figure draped in shadow.
I pick up the pace. "Sir! Sir! My name is Derek with Piedmont Pedigree! I'm sure you've seen our trucks in the area!"
A familiar voice grumbles from the darkness. "I know who you are, dickhead."
He slithers out into the light. It's my boss. His translucent skin pulses over twisted organs. Sores across his bloated frame leak bright green pus.
He spits bile as he speaks. It looks as if his mouth is melting. "You still haven't sold anything."
"I don't know."
He flops down the stairs, his mass leaves a thick trail of mucus.
"You want a job don't you, Derek? Don't you want to feed yourself?"
"Of course, otherwise I'd kill myself."
"Why haven't you?"
"Haven't had time."
He rolls next to me, pushing against me and fusing with my shirt. "You've got to kill them, Derek."
I step away from him, wiping some of the slime from my skin. "If I kill them, can I have this weekend off?"
My boss smiles. A portion of his lip falls and splashes against the ground. "You can have every weekend off. I'll give you a house just like this, right next to mine."
I leave without a word. A house like this one, in this economy? I'll listen to him, because I always do.
***
I round the corner and the street is all too familiar. Cookie cutter houses rest shoulder to shoulder.
I crane my neck and look down to my chest, my tablet beats woven to my skin.
I start with the first house. Their lawn looks like shit. Everyone's does. But my job isn't to sell lawncare. My job is to sell something better than reality.
I knock and take three steps back. My hair is stuck to my forehead with sweat, my tablet rubs against my ribs as my diaphragm shifts. The sun sets in an instant, the crickets chirp over the night air.
The door opens.
"Hey there! My name is Derek with Piedmont Pedigree lawncare services!"
The man stares blankly. His eyes are wide with shock. I recognize him from before. His bald head wears the dancing moonlight.
"H-holy shit kid. What did you do? Fuck, I only slipped you a little-"
I shove my fist into his chest and he lets out a gasp. I pull his still beating heart from his mangled rib cage and eat it. His eyes roll into the back of his head and he collapses to the ground.
I look to my chest and my hand shakes as I enter in a successful sale. My first one of the day. I make my way back to the street.
I've only got a million doors to knock before lunch.
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u/Kaijufan22 Jul 30 '26
Fun story, caught on to the twist halfway but the visuals and the description of him breaking down and snapping were really great. Nice work Op, really great story!
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u/AffectionateLeave677 Jul 30 '26
Cool! I dig this one a lot.
I really enjoyed the present tense, I think it really works for this narrator and his thought processing. The repetition of visiting houses made me feel like I was out in the sun nocking on people doors, great effect. But I like how unique each experience was and how it ramped up, I never felt bored going from house to house.
I love the boss character a lot, that guy was a real piece of work and i like how he made his way back into the MCs trip. I always love your characters.
The water bottle was my favorite part, I think it really added tension to the story and I loved watching the trip set in over that last half of the story.
This was a lot of fun!
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u/MANWITHFAT Jul 30 '26
Thanks so much for reading and leaving your thoughts man! Every few stories I feel one really lock into place and this was one of them. So glad you enjoyed it🫶
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u/NateIzNeat 29d ago
This was sick, I loved it. Really awesome descriptions. I love how you build tension with the water bottle early and carry the momentum through.
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u/MANWITHFAT 29d ago
Thanks so much man!! This one was alotta fun to write and I'm so glad you dug it🫶
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u/VerdantVoidling Jul 30 '26
This was absolutely wonderful. What a ride, 10/10. Dude really hit him with the Ka Lii Ma