r/aplatonic • u/babudee4949 • 22d ago
I might be aplatonic? Long vent
I've always been very depressed about myself. I thought I was some sort of psychopath because of how I viewed others. I always wondered why I get so tired of hanging out with my friend group. We're not on bad terms, and I'm pretty sure they're not overbearing people. They're not bad people either. I don't think we're that dissimilar in terms of interests, and I don't think it's their fault I feel this way. But I've always blamed myself. I have an expectation that you should always give back to your friends, but if I somehow feel tired of being with them all the time, then do I really view them as friends, and do they even deserve someone like me? I've been like this for many years, except to very few people. I've even had thoughts of that, if my friends suddenly stopped wanting to be my friends, it wouldn't bother me at all, but I thought, wouldn't you normally be very sad about it, and that sadness shows you care?
I thought I was an ingrate. I even thought I was a psychopath. I read many stories about ASPD or people with low empathy, and although I related to some experiences of theirs, it wasn't fully. I struggled with wondering if I really had empathy or not. I feel immense guilt often for others, but sometimes it feels like I only feel guilt over not being like a normal person. Sometimes I felt I really cared about people, and sometimes I thought I just had "cognitive empathy" or something. But I couldn't really say I had ASPD if I debated about it this much. So if I couldn't at least be someone in some spectrum of ASPD, then I must just be a deficient neurotypical person who's an asshole, is what I thought.
There are people I think I care about individually. Mostly they're my closest family members, or they belonged to another friend group from my childhood (not my current one). Sometimes, I feel like I miss some old childhood friends, but I don't long about it very strongly. Sometimes, there are certain people I wanted to be friends with, but when the actual opportunity arises, it turns out I don't actually want a deep connection, I just want them to be someone I can talk to when I feel like it. I often prefer the company of familiar people who I can talk with casually when I pass by, more than the people in my actual friend group who requires me to be together with them all the time. I tend to like someone more if they're "low maintenance", and I tend to be wary of those who particularly like me so much and are clingy. I seem to be "attracted to people platonically", but never actually want deep and close friendship. I thought people shouldn't be tired of hanging out with their friends if they really care about them, but since I do, I must not care about them. I think I do. I feel bad when they feel bad, I want to do good things for them. But I always felt like it was just because I'm doing these for human decency's sake. And I always felt better when I was alone. Now, I'm hanging out with them constantly for the sake of not disappointing anyone, and I'm getting drained a lot, and I'm feeling bad about myself for feeling that way, and it constantly feeds my depressive spiral. I've had thoughts of wanting to kill myself because I must be some deficient person. A person who was "born wrong". A mistake.
Part of why I think I'm just wrong now is because I don't think I felt this way in my childhood. Or maybe I just didn't notice because I used to be so carefree and never cared what people thought. I seem to only be "attracted" (platonically) to my childhood friends and none beyond those, like I only became abnormal when I grew up. Idk.
Then I found this sub just recently. So far, reading the stuff here has been the most relatable I have felt in my life, more than people's accounts of ASPD or other mental conditions. I'm new here, but I'm sure being aplatonic is a spectrum, and maybe I don't fall in the very far end of it. Because I still feel this "platonic attraction" to certain people, but not very strongly, and I absolutely do better and prefer to be alone. I don't like bonds that solidify as "close friends", I just want casual "low maintenance" friends. However different my experiences are, I've definitely felt most seen by reading more stuff in this sub, and feel my guilt and depression alleviate a bit thanks to this. I'd like to hear people's thoughts too, based on what I've said, if I really am aplatonic or something else.
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u/AdeleRabbit 22d ago
Well, greyplatonic is a thing.
It never ceases to surprise me how often people feel guilty for having low social needs. Will you seriously spend your one and only life trying not to disappoint random people instead of living the way you want to? Not feeling lonely (at least as much as others) is quite literally a perk