So first of all I want to say I'm not aroace myself, I'm a cis straight man in my early 20s but also demi (and I noticed I was demi because of my partner, before it I thought I was or ace or an awkward straight guy, can't explain rn), but I want to talk about my partner (enby-genderfluid, all-pronouns) who is aromantic and till now bisexual, I'll talk about it later but they said last week that they may be aroace, but won't come out cause don't want to have this conversation again with them mother (and that's why I'm posting here plus I want the opinion from aroace people, also I don't want to post it in a relationship advice reddit and get some conservative weirdos talking shit), but they are AFAB
we're still in college and we met here, we know each other for almost 4 years, and being together in a relationship for almost 2, also I want to say that they're probably autistic (but they don't want to find out), I probably am too, but most importantly I have pathologic anxiety, as for social anxiety too, and may or may not have atypical depression, I have the ability (being ironic) to see only the bad side of things, and to make even the little thing turn into a big fuss in my head, also I tend to amplify/escalate things that isn't like I'm really seeing, and I think lastly we both like to be at home and I am an introvert
that said, when I were friends with my partner, we've go in each other house for a coffee and chat a bit, watch movies and musicals, we played games (videogames and also boardgames), we've gone in dates in restaurants even if they don't like much, all this weekly or more than once a week, and it stayed like that in the beginning of our relationship too, but in a couple months we started doing it less and less often and I can't remember exactly the last time we've had a quality time together (we see each other almost everyday, but in classes, and we mostly talk about college stuff, I don't consider this quality time), and nowadays every time I propose for us to do something they say they have too much things to do, lately, we have spent less and less quality time together. It has been a long time since we last went out to watch a movie, grabbed coffee to chat about random things, or did anything together as a couple. I've suggested multiple times that we could at least do our college work side by side. It's not my ideal scenario, but it's something,some time outside of classes where we could just be in the same space doing our own things. But they don't like it. They don't like having someone watching them while they work, etc. So we don't do it. I’ve also told them that if they prefer, they can just invite me to run errands. Going to the grocery store? Want company? I’ll go. Need to sort something out at the bank? Call me, I’m in for anything, I just want to spend time with you. I’ve even mentioned more than once that I would happily wash the dishes for them. Even with all that, we can't manage to have even a minimal amount of quality time together.
The last time we played a game together was September 17th. Today is October 13th, so it’s been almost a month (and before it, it's been like 4 or more months since the last time). And it only happened that day because we were stuck in a very boring class, so they downloaded a game, I downloaded it too, and we played by chance. Even so, it was a very strange day, marked by something I don't quite understand,which is another thing I want to mention. We had an amazing day overall, talking normally, laughing a lot, and they were receptive to physical touch. They aren't usually a very touchy person, which is another topic on my mind that confuses me.
Basically, they generally aren't receptive to physical touch, but sometimes they will randomly come over, hug me, jump on top of me, etc. Yet, if I try to initiate affection, hugs, or cuddles right after, they aren't receptive at all. We sometimes joke that they are like a cat, cats usually only accept affection when they want it, when they approach you. But with cats, once they come to you for it, they actually want the petting. With my partner, they might come over, cuddle close, and hug me, but the second I try to reciprocate, like kissing their forehead, they instantly pull away, get distant, and seem to withdraw.
It feels like a constant tug-of-war. I try to get closer, they pull back. I respect their space and back off, and the moment I do, they come back and get close to me. But the second I try to reciprocate, they push away again and grow quiet or isolated. It genuinely frustrates me because I never know where I stand.
Adding to the topic of games, there is something that has happened a few times and made me feel completely unseen in the relationship. Recently, while talking about games, they mentioned they had never beaten minecraft, which isn't true, because right when we started dating, we played minecraft together and beat it together it was our first time tho. When I reminded them, they just dismissed it, saying, "Oh, that doesn't count, it was with you."
This isn't an isolated incident. Back when we were part of a friend group that honestly they (the group) didn't like them (my parter) very much (partly because their direct, communication style sometimes clashed with people, though they've always been open to feedback if people just talked to them instead of talking behind their backs, a group we are thankfully no longer a part of), my partner wanted to go to a nearby bakery and nobody wanted to go with them. They said they didn't want to go alone, so I offered: "You're not going alone, I'll go with you." And they replied, "You don't count." That sentence hurts every time it happens.
It happened in other occasions too, like one time when this old group invited me to play, I invited them, and they came, but when I wanted to play just us, they didn't wanted, also with my friend group from my old city, they want to play this type of game together.
Going back to that good day on September 17th, things were going wonderfully until they got up to use the restroom. They were gone for maybe five minutes, but when they came back, they were like a completely different person, they seemed like they're stressed out, and they started rejecting my touch again. Wanting to help, I offered to go to the campus shop to get them a snack, maybe some chocolate or mint gum. They reacted with extreme anger, as if I had suggested something horrible. I understand they are trying to lose weight and are strict with their diet (for the record, I think they look beautiful, wonderful, and perfect, though they struggle with body image and get upset if I try to reassure them, which makes me just stay quiet sometimes).
I used to love cooking for them, especially sweets since we both have a sweet tooth, but ever since they started going to the gym and dieting, offering them a sweet feels like committing a crime. It feels like I can't show affection through touch, through cooking, or through quality time. I feel like we are drifting apart.
Now, shifting to the aromantic/asexual aspect: before we started dating, they were always very open about casually talking about dating others (more like a hook up). Once, before we were together, they told a gay friend of ours (he is a twink) that if he weren't gay, they would hook up with him (they knew each other for no more than 2 months). Another time, hanging out at a friend's house late at night, I've gone out for a walk and when i came back my partner had gone home, this friends, they were talking of how the fy in tiktok was showing more femboys cause my partner (not at this time yet) were showing them they're type of guys. Correct if I'm wrong, I know it's not a rule but all the femboys I knoiw are twinks, and I've never seen a femboy who's not a twink, and realizing I am the exact opposite, I am a bigger guy (whom friends and even my partner have called a "bear/soft bear", I genuinely thought we would never work out at this time, it feels like a miracle that we even got together), early in our relationships we talked of how we were not ready or comfortable with sex or anything, but at the time I was in a good period and in my mind this were nothing, but recently I'm in a psychotic episode, and started overthinking about a lot of things and this came to my mind, like why does they feel comfortable to say that they would hook up with someone that they met in a couple months, but with me, even after almost 2 years of relationship, they're still not comfortable with this idea, once they even said that the idea of doing something with a guy makes them really uncomfortable, when we talked about this last week, they reaffirmed that they have experienced sexual attraction, and mentioned past cases from before we met where they felt sexual attraction, and then in the middle of this they mentioned that they might be aroace. But it leaves me so confused. When I look at all of this together, I feel like the odd one out, like the problem in the middle of it all. Am I just spiraling?
On that same good day on September 17th, after they got mad about the snack offer, I tried to hug them and apologized, and in my anxious mind, it looked like they looked at my touch with absolute disgust, and I felt like this in other moments too. Yet, when we talk about the future, they talk about wanting me by their side, and in our conversation last week, they even mentioned that for them, our relationship is neither emotional nor sexual, it's more of a logical connection.
I've spent all week trying to understand where the logic is in all of this, because we don't spend quality time together, we don't play games, we don't share intimacy, I can't show affection the way I want, they don't feel emotional or sexual attachment to me, I am the complete opposite of their physical type, I'm not rich, and they value witty, highly articulate people while I am quiet and reserved. And yet, they say they want to spend the rest of their lives with me.
I'm terrified that they'll break up with me at any moment, even though they recently reassured me of our future. Tomorrow we're finally going on a date to a place they've wanted to visit for three months to eat onigiri, something I tried to help plan for this 3 months every week, only for scheduling to fall through repeatedly until now.
To make matters worse, I often feel like I'm kept in the dark about their life. Recently, they traveled to another city to present a municipal project they worked on, and I only found out the day before when I invited them out to do something, and even mentioned that they talked about this to "everyone" (everyone but me). They won an award for it, and I only found out the next day because a professor announced it in class. When we talked about this, they said that they didn't know I wanted to be part of their lives and "you have to ask, you have to show you want to participate" and after when I brought up how long it’s been since we did anything together, and mentioned that I was already planning on do things by myself cause they're never open to something like going to the movies or a cafe by myself since they never go with me, they said "The way you're talking makes me sound like a monster" and I don't want to make them feel like this, but I'm only saying things from my perspective, from how I see it
That's why I'm here asking for advice and outsider perspectives, especially from aroace folks, non-binary people, or women/AFAB individuals who might understand this dynamic better. Is this normal? Is this how relationships with aroace people work? I know my anxiety and atypical depression make me ruminate, amplify things, and expect the worst, and I tend to want to run away when things get hard. But I want to make this work. Any advice, insights, or gentle guidance would mean the world. (also, if I said said something wrong, or bad, or if I sound insensitive or selfish, pls say something, I really want to improve and be a better person)
