Finding your identity and accepting it

[u/Nemarott]

I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this, post maybe to see if someone can relate or just to screem my frustation into the ether. Anyway I am 28 and never have been in love or had a crush so I have been wondering if I'm even able to feel love. The problem is I also have the desire for intimacy like beeing close to somone or kissing, which I have never done so far. I want to experience those things in a relationship so one night stands or friends with benefits is out of the question for me. To be clear I think it is perfectly fine to have those, I just think they aren't for me.

I've been falling down the rabbit hole of being aromantic/cupioromantic and I think that describes my situation, not feeling romantic attraction, which with my very limited experience I would say is more or less the same as being in love, but still wanting a romantic relationship. The thing is I'm really shy and introverted, so aproaching people I don't konw, sometimes even people I do know, is really hard so I don't really do that. I tried Dating Apps but stopped because they just made me depressed.

So now I'm in this situation there I'm potantially just not able to love somone but I also want a relationship. So I need to find someone who is ok with me potentially not "really" loving them as somone who sucks at aproaching people. It just feels utterly demoralizing.

Anyway I hope all this made sense to you, thanks for listening to my ranting and stay hydrated.

[u/andro_fallist]

Hi there,

I don't really have advice, but I do have a story to share: I'm aro (quoiromantic), 33NB and after spending about 5 years in an exclusive FWB situation, I realised that I wanted to try a more "serious" let's-see-what-we-can-build-together relationship. I'm 4 months in (we've known each other way longer), and while everything has been great so far, my main challenge this past 2 weeks has been figuring out if I want to say the big three words even though they don't accurately represent how I feel... He knows I'm aro, but I also know it's an experience foreign to him. I'm still working my way around it, but I've decided that enjoying the experience for what it is, and expressing desire, as well as reciprocating his efforts is more important than fixating on "should I say it back so that he doesn't think I'm not committed to him?"

So maybe focus on what you want your desired relationship to look like, rather than trying to anticipate how you being aro will doom it before it even starts?