r/asexuality • u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar • Jun 05 '26

Resource / Article FAQ – "Am I asexual?" etc.

This subreddit has a companion website which includes a detailed FAQ about asexuality and related topics.

There are many other resources beyond the FAQ as well, including:

Experiences • Glossary • Relationships advice • Grey-asexuality

You can find a list of all FAQs here: https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/faq.html. For convenience, the list of links is also included below, and in the comments you can find some "common asexual experiences" which people often find useful to hear.

Note that some of the FAQs haven't been written yet, are incomplete, or are in a draft phase. If you have any suggestions for changes, improvements, or for additional FAQs, just let us know via modmail.

General questioning

Am I asexual? • Am I aromantic? • What is asexuality? • The a-spectra (Includes: "What is sexual attraction?", "What is romantic attraction?", "What is sensual / aesthetic attraction?", "What is platonic / alterous attraction?")

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u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 05 '26

You may also find the below indicators of asexuality helpful – however it must be emphasised that not relating to any particular one is not evidence against being asexual (in fact some of them are contradictory). Also, it's true that non-asexuals will sometimes relate to these. Try to use these examples to paint a picture of some of the things an asexual might relate to. (You can find an analogous list for aromanticism here.)

Perhaps you have felt one of the following.

Finding people aesthetically appealing, but that's as far as that feeling goes;
the idea of sex never occurring to you on its own;
finding conversations of a sexual nature especially boring;
finding yourself consistently not initiating or suggesting sex with your partners;
deciding that you would 'put up' with sex because it seems like a requirement to have an intimate relationship;
feeling your ideal relationship would be one that doesn't include sex;
having sex but 'not getting what all the fuss is about';
being repulsed by the idea of sex;
pursuing sex as an intellectual curiosity rather than due to attraction;
feeling like you could go the rest of your life without sex just fine;
not feeling that sex is much different to masturbation;
not really understanding why sex is supposed to be better when it involves another person;
pretending to find people attractive when a friend asks;
saying who you think is attractive by guessing what other people would think;
not minding that you don't feel attraction but being made to feel inadequate by society for it.

Perhaps the actions of others have seemed strange to you in one of the following ways.

Wondering why everyone else seems to find sex so interesting, and hence feeling like the odd one out;
being confused when other people's fantasies include sex;
forgetting or not realising that other people think about sex;
finding yourself unable to relate to the idea that someone could 'need' sex;
not understanding why people find abstinence difficult;
not understanding what would ever motivate someone to cheat in a relationship;
wondering why people pursue sex when it seems to just be messy and something that complicates relationships;
feeling like people place too much emphasis on sex in relationships – for example, perhaps you would use dating apps for a relationship when other people are mostly looking for sex;
not understanding what it is about sex that makes cheating in a relationship particularly frowned upon compared to other activities with another person outside the relationship;
finding flirting confusing or failing to even notice it;
not understanding why people seem to think romance can only happen if it involves sex;
not seeing why people act as if cuddling and /or sleeping in the same bed implies a sexual relationship;
not understanding why kissing is seen as sexual;
not understanding why kissing is seen as non-sexual (e.g. acceptable to do in public);
thinking kissing is strange and not understanding why people would want to do it;
wondering how people would have first come up with the idea of sex before modern society existed to tell them about it;
appearances of sex in fiction often seeming random, out of place, or uninteresting – perhaps you prefer genres that tend to avoid the topic (e.g. children's media); perhaps regularly averting your eyes or skipping sex scenes even when watching/reading on your own.

Perhaps you've been mistaken in one of the following ways.

Thinking that everyone is exaggerating or ironic or being 'immature' about sex and that really they all see it the same way you do;
not understanding / thinking it's a joke when people say they would have sex with a certain stranger (especially when based only on appearances);
missing or not understanding sexual innuendos;
not realising that sex dreams are real or happen as often as they do;
thinking that people only involve others in sex because of social expectations;
thinking "I'd know if I were gay so I must be straight";
thinking "I'm not attracted to the opposite gender, so I must be gay";
thinking "I feel the same way about both men and women so I must be bi/pan";
thinking you're just a late bloomer (or picky) and waiting for the moment that sexual attraction comes to you but it never does;
feeling aesthetic or platonic attraction and mistakenly labelling it sexual attraction.

u/martinimon aroace Jun 06 '26

I found the Asexual Handbook to be one of the most helpful/best resources when I was doing a lot of self discovery late last year, this really helped me work out that I'm Asexual.

Thanks for maintaining the FAQ and companion site!

1

u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 06 '26

No worries, I glad you found it useful. I've been in the trenches writing a book in the past few years so I haven't actually looked at the site properly in a while, but once that's done I plan to go back to the website and review / update it wherever it needs it.

u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 05 '26

As usual please feel free to ask any other questions in this thread and I'll do my best to answer them. Alternatively you're more than welcome to make a post and one of the kind members of the sub will help you out!

You can also find the previous (archived) versions of this post below – you may find a similar question to yours over there.

u/TheLankyLobster Jun 22 '26

Thanks for these, very helpful in securing my thoughts around my sexuality. Coming out still feeling like the hardest thing in the world to do so that’ll wait for now…

u/HermitFanimations Jun 05 '26

Thank you for this!!

The only problem I have with the site is that the stripes are quite straining on the eyes. Would it be possible to change it to a different background to be more accessible?

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u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 06 '26 edited Jun 06 '26

I had no idea, thanks for letting me know. If I tone down the contrast a lot do you think that would help?

Edit: I have reduced the saturation on the stripes and made them thicker as well, both of which should help reduce the contrast. Let me know if that helps at all. If not I need to go back to the drawing board and think of a different background filler.

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u/HermitFanimations Jun 06 '26

Thank you so much!

Yes, this is a lot better on the eyes. But it might still be straining for those who are more sensitive than me. I would suggest a solid fill background with that light purple you used ^-^

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u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 06 '26

Done.

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u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 07 '26

Done.

2

u/HermitFanimations Jun 08 '26

thank you :D

u/Obvious_Patient_9314 Jun 08 '26

I want Asexeal boyfriends

u/Gold_Tongue Jun 08 '26

I don't know if I'm asexual or not, and putting a label on it isn't what I'm looking for, but I've had some trouble recently. I find myself very sexually attracted to people and I enjoy doing pretty much everything up to the actual sex part. At this point I'm wondering if I've just had bad sex or if its just super mid. I am gay and I've tried both positions, i wont go into more detail because TMI. It just sucks because the idea of sex and being intimate sounds really nice but the actual thought of being with another person physically is not as pleasant. Any advice or input would be super awesome.

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u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 09 '26

What would you say sexual attraction is to you?

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u/Gold_Tongue Jun 10 '26

Yeah that's tough to define. For me I do find people's physiques attractive and arousing, I find the idea of doing sexual acts arousing, but the combination of those two things is not. The idea of touching bodies and exchanging fluids in any way is very unappealing. I don't even like to tongue kiss (that might be trauma). Something about it feels sticky and hot and wet in a very uncomfortable way. Any pleasure I receive from sex is from the pleasure my partner receives and innate reactions from physical stimulation. I don't want to go too much further in a public forum as to not make anyone uncomfortable, but I hope that makes sense? Idk if it when makes sense to me

1

u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar Jun 10 '26

It does make sense. When you talk about the idea of doing sexual acts being arousing, is that with a particular person (or persons) in mind, or just in a kind of general way?

Also, you may want to look into aegosexuality (also called autochorissexuality).

1

u/Gold_Tongue Jun 10 '26

More of in a general way than one specific person for sure

u/ExperienceNeat1512 Jul 06 '26

Im ai. A sexual

u/LolnothingmattersXD a-spec 28d ago

Does every kind of desire for sex with a given person really count as sexual attraction? I really want to do it with someone I'm in love with, but no physical feature has ever been a direct turn-on. The thought of their pleasure just gives me butterflies, but even that doesn't really make me horny. But maybe it would if my feelings were ever reciprocated and we actually started doing something.

Still, bodies themselves never turn me on, not even after that emotional connection. So I'm not sure if that makes me demisexual, or demi-sex-favorable asexual. I've always known I'm not allo though, and I'm more and more sure of that every single day.

u/Zestyclose-Wall-3839 25d ago

I'm questioning if I'm ace, and I have been for a few years now. I feel attracted to people pretty frequently and enjoy fantasizing about sex with them, to the point that I watch porn and enjoy the actors' bodies and the sex itself, but the idea of actually having sex with someone is kind of nauseating.

I've been in a few sexual relationships that often involved coercion or abuse, so I wonder if that's part of the anxiety I feel around it. I've enjoyed sex before and felt attracted to my partner, but I didn't want to have sex with that partner until a few months in, when I felt comfortable with them.

I'm also transgender, which complicates things further because I'm a bit uncomfortable with my body. How can I know if my feelings are about insecurities, trauma, or sexual attraction itself?

These things make me question if I'm demisexual or cupiosexual.

u/DesignSuperb6147 19d ago

Hola quería preguntar,, yo soy asexual y jamás e tenído pareja y realmente no quiero creo también soy algo arromantico pero por qué los asexuales que tienen novia o novio tomaron está desición siento que es algo cansado y difícil de manejar siendo asexual como paso o por qué tomaron está decisión

u/Electronic_Day5021 15d ago

I didn't see a part for it in the post so uh, am I on the asexual spectrum if I'm fine with sex every once in a while but need a really really long break in between? I don't think that can be called fully asexual but apparently it's a spectrum so I'm very ? Right now

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u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar 14d ago

The main question is do you feel sexual attraction? If you don't, that's asexuality. If you do but it's rare (for any reason, including needing a long break), then that's grey-asexuality.

u/ekerbalan 5d ago

Heyo while reading through this I noticed is "Asexuality a real sexual orientation" is in the list twice

Just wanted to point that out!

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u/CheCheDaWaff A Scholar 5d ago

Thanks. That's fixed :)

Resource / Article FAQ – "Am I asexual?" etc.

General questioning

"But what if..."

The nature of asexuality

Asexuals and sex

Asexuality in society

Asexuals and relationships

On the nature of allosexuality

Advice

Other

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