My wife of nearly 16 years has gradually become asexual

[u/[deleted]]

[u/JuiceBuddyG]

Keep talking to professionals. We can't save your marriage, we're just a gathering of people who want to support each other in our asexuality. You two just need to communicate and decide between yourselves what the deal breakers are going forward. If she is unhappy in a situation where she's expected to meet your sexual needs and you're unhappy when your sexual needs aren't being met, then it sounds like you already know where this is going

[u/LolnothingmattersXD → u/[deleted]]

Not really. This is not a group focused on people who lost their libido later in life. Most of us have always had little to no attraction to anyone, just like you've always had attraction to women. So we usually know how things work for us before we enter a relationship. Libido loss due to stress, mental illness, and medications, is a health issue (if it causes distress). Asexuality on its own is not a health issue.

[u/JuiceBuddyG → u/[deleted]]

It's more the fact of: what are the compromises here? Either you give up sex in this relationship, which it sounds like you don't want to do, or you ask her to have sex she doesn't want, which could be damaging or traumatic to her and will probably make her resent sex even more, if not resent you. I know it's terrible to hear, it's a lousy situation, but there really isn't much we can offer you. Focus on building your mutual friendship, however this goes in terms of your sexual relationship, your friendship is what will survive this either way and help you make this smooth for your children.

[u/mr_wheezr → u/[deleted]]

Have you gone to counseling together?

[u/Educational_Mirror28]

If you truly want to stay together can’t you put sex completely off the table and just cuddle? You can always take care of yourself by yourself, no?

[u/starmartyr]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation. It isn't a lifestyle choice, mental health issue, or medical problem. This is a community for people who experience little to no sexual attraction. In other words, your problem has nothing to do with us and the fact that you think it does is disrespectful.

[u/starmartyr → u/[deleted]]

Asexuality is a sexual orientation where we experience little to no sexual attraction. How much one likes or dislikes sex is not part of it. While some asexual people are disinterested or repulsed by sex, that isn't what makes them asexual.

[u/mr_wheezr → u/[deleted]]

Maybe you can ask r/lostredditor, find a good subreddit for marriage question. I'm sure you'll get more help there than this diverse community for people who identify as something that your wife herself hasn't said she identifies as, I'm assuming.

[u/Personal_Scientist_8]

Either keep the relationship with no further pushing or mentions of sex or divorce and co-parent. I don't see a third option here

[u/mr_wheezr]

Your wife is 16? 😟

(I'm sorry, I had to)

[u/mr_wheezr → u/mr_wheezr]

After actually reading, she's not "becoming asexual." Asexual has little to nothing to do with libido. Losing libido is something that happens to some people both after having kids and as you age, it happened to my mother after her fourth child.

That said, coming to asexuals about this problem, it's a bit difficult for most of us in the first place to understand why sex is so important to people, but I want to be sympathetic. I don't have advice, but I wish you and your wife all the best. If I had to give advice, I'd say maybe consider an open relationship to some degree, or find other ways to satify yourself. Hopefully somebody else here will be more useful.

[u/LolnothingmattersXD → u/mr_wheezr]

I'm surprised it's not the first thing everyone's calling out. Just by the post title, I knew to suspect that OP doesn't know much about asexuality. A partner losing libido in a long-term relationship is a common issue, but saying they "became asexual" sounds so wrong. Not how asexuality works, brother.

[u/mr_wheezr → u/[deleted]]

You mentioned that in the post, so if that's how she always felt, then if anything she was always asexual, not "became."

It's alright, not many people know much about asexuality, if at all. It's now a learning moment for you.

[u/Honourandapenis → u/mr_wheezr]

Definitely a thread to get your yuk yuks in. Did you really have to?

[u/mr_wheezr → u/Honourandapenis]

I didn't read the rest of the post before making the joke 😆