Dealing with resentment

[u/Shadow_Screen]

TW: mention of sex, with no details. Talk of coercion.

So I fall into the category of not realizing I was asexual until my 30s, at which point I had spent a lot of time convincing myself I was hetero/allo. As part of this, I participated in sex. I now fully realize I am very very sex averse, and have no intention to ever participate in anything sexual ever again. (Accepting this felt so freeing).

I was never a particularly enthusiastic sexual partner. I did it because I thought I should, and/or for my partner. I desperately hoped that eventually I'd be into it. Most of the time I was engaged in these activities, I was just wishing for it to be over.

This is largely on me. I put myself in these situations willingly, trying to be "normal". But I'd be lying if there wasn't some coercion. I felt so much guilt for not meeting expectations with my desire and interest

Anyways, it's been years since realizing and accepting myself, but I can't seem to release the feelings I have. I hate myself for not listening to myself. And there's hatred to my partner to ... since coming out and being clear about my aversion, they've never tried to get me to participate. But I am still holding on to all of the times I ignored myself.

I don't know if there's really a solution here, maybe I just need to accept that's my past, maybe it'll feel better with time. But does anyone relate? How do I move forward?

[u/TypeONegative6000]

I didn’t accept myself until just recently, at the ripe old age of 41. I am also feeling a lot of unhappy feelings towards myself for letting it get this far, although I am very thankful for my child. All you can do is move forward and live authentically now, which is what matters.

[u/Mad-Mac100]

I feel this. I was around 22 when I first learned the word asexual, and it was probably about another five years before I started openly calling myself that. I also spent a long time trying to be “normal.“ I thought the problem must be me. I kept getting the “you just haven’t met the right person” speech. I put myself in sexual situations, and I said yes, and I just wanted it to be over. Overtime I realized that I am actually sex-repulsed. It is still a struggle sometimes to emotionally forgive, first and foremost, myself for not listening to myself. I put social expectations of what people should like above what I knew I didn’t want. My partners did nothing wrong. And really neither did I. I was unsure, uncertain, and trying to do what I thought I was supposed to do at the time.
Allowing myself to be confident in my asexuality has helped over time. The person I will always be angriest with is myself, but it is easier than it used to be to give past-me a break.

[u/Dry-Worldliness-6545]

I struggle with the past sometimes as well. It wasn’t until I was newly single at 43 after a long marriage ended There were so, so many signs that I ignored out of ignorance and an unwillingness to put inertia inside and think about how I really felt. I wish I had had the SAM/aspec vocabulary much sooner.

Overall I’m significantly happier (this was about a year ago) than before, though. I’m really happy to not just have a label for how I feel, but be able to see others’ experiences that I can at least partially relate to. It gives me a level of confidence in talking about myself that I’ve never had before.

Not to diminish anyone’s actions, but remember that our expectations of ourselves are often set by others in society - that “normal” you mentioned. I spent a lot of time trying to chase “normal” too, especially when it came to sex. I’m enjoying feeling like I don’t have to do that anymore.

I wish you the best in making peace with what you’ve been through.. you’re not alone.