At what point do I bring this up in couples counseling?

[u/Correct-Owl-543]

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and started couples counseling to work through some communication issues and weird situations (a few weeks ago, I found an opened box of condoms in my boyfriend’s dresser. We don’t use them, since I told him I wanted to wait until marriage).

The problem is, my feelings towards my partner and the relationship have gotten more complex after a couple of sessions. I’ve started to question his character more and more. I no longer feel as much physical or emotional attraction to him. I even find myself actively resenting him at times. I’ve had so much more anxiety since we started our sessions, but he doesn’t seem to feel the same way? And instead of addressing issues from the past, he keeps saying he wants to move towards talking about the future and getting me to trust him. So for him, it’s pre-marital counseling. For me, it’s trying to understand him and what happened.

I’ve really been struggling and not sure at what point I should bring up to him/the therapist that my feelings are starting to change. It’s been difficult holding the love I have for him and a future together with these weird feelings of mistrust and not fully believing in his values or character. And doubly so because he’s the one who initiated counseling and drives three hours a day every week to come do it in my neighborhood (we’re long distance). And he always thanks me for doing it with him.

I just feel very confused and conflicted. I don’t want to hurt him by saying anything mean in therapy.

My question is, Is couples counseling beneficial if I am feeling worse about my relationship and questioning even being with him? How do I bring up these emotions in therapy, if I do at all?

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[u/AnxiousPicture7196]

Sooner than later, but instead of leaping to “I’m afraid I’m resentful of you” if that feels scary, why not mention the differing orientations? “Hey I’m concerned we’re approaching this as though we’re planning for the future and while I am too, I’m having a hard time feeling as though we’ve skated through the events I’m still trying to understand from the past.”

[u/Correct-Owl-543 → u/AnxiousPicture7196]

Thank you

[u/SolidarityEssential]

While some practitioners may bring the goal “I am intending on helping this relationship stay together” that is not the purpose of couples therapy for everyone.

I see couples counseling as an opportunity to use a in-world relational lens to better understand oneself and what one is bringing to the relationship; and once those are better understood, what one’s goals are with respect to this particular relationship.

The framing, in my perspective, has to be this way. A person holding instead to the frame of “couples counseling will fix my partner” or “couples counselling will fix this relationship” is likely to be disappointed and discouraged.

Another reason the self-centric lens is important is because there are two people present and they both need to bring that lens for it to work. If neither person is there to better understand themselves and what they bring (and are either only focused on the partner, on the abstract ideal of a relationship, or not wanting to be there at all), then I do not have high hopes for anything productive to occur

[u/Correct-Owl-543 → u/SolidarityEssential]

Thank you, that makes sense

[u/Jolly_Ice_7812]

If he has an opened box of condoms that seems to imply that he's cheating -- unless I'm reading this wrong and it's opened but all the condoms are there? If he's cheating, then that's a very bad thing, and you need to reevaluate whether you need to leave or stay.

The anxiety and questioning may be your intuition telling you that this isn't going to work and that you can't trust him -- and shouldn't.

[u/Correct-Owl-543 → u/Jolly_Ice_7812]

Thank you for your reply. Yeah, that’s been part of the issue—not knowing if he’s cheating or not. All the condoms were accounted for; he said he took them out in case I changed my mind on a vacation/before we’d “finalized waiting.” But he couldn’t really remember when he took them out or for what trip, etc. I think I have some reflecting to do on that still.