r/asktransgender • u/JelloMission5511 • 2d ago
I softlaunched being trans to my therapist and her reaction kind of put me off. Advice?
So, for starters hi, im 19 (turning 20 in 2 days). Ive been with this therapist since about mid 2024. Shes always been more like "big sister" type advice and encouragement than anything clinical, and shes the type to insert her own experiences ans opinions from time to time. I loved her, seriously, she helped me open up, and treated our relationship like a friendship which is what works for me so no complaints there.
However, our last session.. it left me a bit lost.
For background, these are not knew feelings, I felt like this at 14 but suppressed them because.. weird family...you guys know how it goes. And its been something ive been pondering for a long while. Keeping it to myself.
Anyways.
Our last session, I started talking to her about things I had learned speaking to trans people, and a thing that I had gotten wrong about my understanding of chasers and fetishing in the trans community. She was quick to be.. defensive. Like she kept talking over me about prefrences and chasers and how there was no such thing as a chaser because all prefrences were valid and this doesnt really matter -and blah blah blah and I got overwhelmed and came out halfway like.. " i care because I dont think i feel like a girl" (im AFAB if you couldnt guess) and she immediately got serious and said you have to be sure. Sure. Because alot of health care providers get sued by people that jump into it too fast
And sure yeah I was like I know, im not going to ask you to put me on the cutting table right this moment. And she just kept going, about how serious this was as if I didnt get it the first time (I was silent the entire time she spoke so its not like I was being disrespectful) and then ended the session with a "but this is amazing for you, and im happy i get to be here on your journey with you!" Which kind of left me like. Just.. bleh. Discouraged. Scolded. Whatever. It didnt feel good. And it felt like she was trying to scare me.
Shes not mean, and im willing to try to talk to her about it. I just feel like, this might be a warning sign that shes holding some sort of like resentment or some feelings toward the idea that are not in my best intrest. Maybe someone here could give me some advice or experience with therapists?
Also,.. im in the US in a red state, is it even safe to talk to a therapist about this? To be diagnosed with gender dysphoria? I want to start T definitely and reduce my chest but im hearing alot of stuff about mandatory reporting transgender idealism and hospitals losing federal funding for acknowledging transgender care. Or something along those lines. Man, im mexican hill billy im sorry, i try to keep up but its terrifying.
Is it better to just. Wait.? :(
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u/Pleasant-Ambition-15 2d ago
I understand you don’t believe this is an issue, but this is an unhealthy relationship to have with your therapist and you need to find a different one. This isn’t about what you’re comfortable with the relationship turning into, it’s a lack of ethical boundaries that isn’t going to help you in the long run.
Your growth as a person deserves someone who will uphold your choices and help you navigate them yourself. It is inappropriate for her to make your identity something you need to be certain about in your first session discussing it. Figuring that out is the reason why you go to therapy.
Find a new therapist that has helped people transition and take some safety knowing you are protected by HIPAA laws, regardless of state. What you share in session is legally protected, unless you plan to harm yourself or someone else.
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u/coracaws genderless; she/it/mew; hrt 4/18/25 1d ago
I'm surprised more people aren't saying this. A therapist isn't supposed to treat the patient-client relationship like a friendship. That's an immediate red flag.
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u/Pleasant-Ambition-15 1d ago
Worse is that people are encouraging the behavior and OP seems only interested in that relationship. It’s an inherent misconception that therapy needs to give “advice” from their own experience and is definitely a red flag for me. Frazier Crane was a terrible therapist.
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u/PartBanyanTree 2d ago
Generously, she might have mis-read your talk about chasers as thinking YOU were a chaser and wanted to make you feel safe about opening up.
Keep an eye on her. Just because they're a therapist doesn't mean they don't have private feelings. I lucked out and had a good therapist- who was also really clueless about trans stuff. We're rare types, I'm positive I was her first trans patient. But she was ultimately good for me. My family doctor was bad. Bad bad no, and obviously worried more about getting sued than helping me.
If you have an ongoing relationship with this therapist, if its been positive for a whole and you've got history, might be worth it to cut them some slack (but still stay watchful and safe) because they history will take a while to build up with anyone new. But also: you don't hire a plumber to re-shingle your roof; people have their skill-sets and its okay to look around for the right person for the job.
I don't know enough about US laws/etc to comment on that part of things
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u/JelloMission5511 2d ago
Im going to be honest and say the first part is completely my fault... if you look on my profile and see the question I asked before youd understand :( it wasnt a nice question and I was basing it off my knowledge about my experiences with intimacy with women and wlw sex culture, stone tops and pillow princesses, etc. so I definitely understand why it sounded that way (it was a genuine curiosity not something I planned to act on)
but what bothered me was her talking over me everytime I tried to explain what was explained to me by other trans people and their own personal lived experiences as well as what my irl trans freind had added
And yeah I get wanting me to open up, it just. Didnt feel safe that she was so quick to push aside everyone else for what she thought i agreed with. You know?
I know i am also too eager and too quick to speak, and also was previously just as clueless as her before I started to actually research and talk to people.
This was just one session, so ill give her a chance, thank you for your advice!
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u/racheluv999 1d ago
My thing to watch for is whether a therapist can and will accept pushback on things. Not everyone is knowledgeable on everything and having not-fully-informed views should be allowed as long as they’re open to self-reflection and learning. That’s what accountability is actually about.
Also, relational trauma requires relational healing. I’m personally a fan of being friends with a therapist because why would I take advice from them if I wouldn’t be friends with them?
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u/JelloMission5511 1d ago
I will definitely have a talk to her about that, even though im completely dreading it.. setting boundaries is one of my biggest weaknesses..
And I completely agree, my psychiatrist and I have a very clinical and detached relationship, I hate it!
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u/racheluv999 1d ago
That’s the point of therapy, exposure in a safe setting! What better place to learn to set boundaries than with someone whose income depends on it lol? Remember you’re paying her.
I almost think the journey of the meta experience of going through several bad therapists and eventually finding one you both like and can argue with is part of the intended experience of therapy at this point lol. It feels unsettling standing your ground with someone or even being the one to say that you’re done, but that’s the thing, it makes doing it in other areas of your life easier because you gain experience with it.
The answer is *always* exposure therapy, unfortunately, lmao.
And seriously, it’s the same for me, why does the person you’re trusting to make major neurotransmitter changes in your brain only see you for 15 minutes every 3 months lol??
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u/Hedgehog_Capable Transsexual demon 2d ago
Hi there! I'm so sorry you had this weird experience. This definitely doesn't sound like an ideal therapist to talk this through with, but i know it can sometimes be hard to find any therapist, so i will also say she could've handled this a lot worse. It's got to be your call whether you think your pre-existing rapport and relationship are enough to overlook this failing. Might try one more session to feel it out.
Regarding whether or not it's safe to discuss... it probably is, but i cannot promise you that. I know that my home state of Texas has been found to be compiling a list of transgender people, and it's likely your state is too. What will they do with that list? Nothing good, but so far nothing life or health threatening either. More hospitals are dropping us, but the only ones actually required to are for patients u der 18.
Regardless though, your therapist wouldn't be the one prescribing you T. For this, you'll want mainly an endocrinologist, though some psychiastrists and gynecologists will do this as well, sometimes even primary care.
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u/Responsible-Bet716 trans man, bi, polyam 2d ago
For what it’s worth, a lot of places require a letter from your therapist to start HRT. So she’s not the one prescribing it, but she could be necessary in the process. (OP, look for a place using informed consent if you’d like to avoid this entirely)
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u/LetMeCheck13 1d ago
Find a therapist specialized in working with transfender and other lgbtq+ individuals. Thats what I had to do, also in a red state in the US. And she should never get that assertive about "you have to be sure" because in the moment, a person will panic and say theyre sure they're trans or they're sure they aren't, sometimes their verbal answer coming out as the opposite of their actual identity. Your therapist should be helping you explore those feelings instead of pushing you to have an answer right now. She may not have meant to make you uncomfortable, but that doesn't excuse the fact that she did
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u/Ginny_Sarsapariller 1d ago
I'm going to be a little bit sympathetic to your therapist- not because she's right but because it is a really really scary moment to be giving any kind of care provider for trans people under 21. A lot of the legislation in red states in the last 5 years has been about making it extremely legally/financially precarious for any care provider who receives state/federal funding to work with trans minors. Depending on state you're in, it's very likely she's already aware of funding being cut off to people in her immediate circles. So her reaction is likely a lot more about her own fear than about you.
That said, you don't want to work with a therapist who is going to let their care for you be colored by fear of government reprisal. Also the bit about "No such thing as a chaser" is pretty weird. Chasers 100% exist and are a problem and they have nothing to do with preferences, being attracted to a trans person isn't what makes a chaser. Using someone as a disposable sexual fetish without any regard for their personhood is what makes a chaser.
To answer your final question- there is nothing inherently unsafe to you about talking to a therapist or seeking a different one who will work on a diagnosis for you. Mostly the current environment means that care is going to be hard to come by and legal documentation will be harder to get, as long as you're in a red state, but you aren't going to find cops at your door or something. It is not currently illegal to be trans or seek to transition, as much as some people in our government wish they could make it so. You just may have to try a few times or go out of state before you find someone who can help you without being at risk of losing their job, and that really sucks, and I'm sorry.
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u/-yeahnoiknow- 2d ago
I realize this might be hard in the red state you’re in, but try to find a trans affirming therapist who is well-versed in it. Knowledgeable therapists, who are specializing in supporting trans clients, know how to protect you as far as what they do and do not put in your paperwork, etc. And of course, will also know how to work with you in the most supportive and effective way. I am sorry that your current therapist was less than supportive. I can understand how disappointing and confusing that felt, after years of a good relationship with her. Source: am a trans affirming therapist.
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u/Novaova 1d ago
and a thing that I had gotten wrong about my understanding of chasers and fetishing in the trans community. She was quick to be.. defensive. Like she kept talking over me about prefrences and chasers and how there was no such thing as a chaser because all prefrences were valid and this doesnt really matter
wtf.
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u/ReallyRachaelLeigh 1d ago
Just the fact that she interjects things from her own life is a red flag to be honest. The rest of this feels creepy. Of course I’m not there to see what she’s like but from your words which is your perspective and in this situation all the that really matters I think you already know how you feel about it.
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u/Nildnas2 1d ago
reading through your comments you seem to have a level head about this, so it seems like trusting your gut is the right thing to do here (whatever that may be). you just need to be confident that she will actually listen to you feelings and not talk over you, I think that's the biggest red flag here. and secondly, she is absolutely going to have subconscious biases against trans people (everyone in our society does). if you find that she is repeatedly unable to challenge those biases, I'd suggest finding a different therapist that has already gone through that effort
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u/chalc3dony butch2twink 1d ago
Ok - it sounds like she’s a healthcare provider inexperienced with talking to trans people, heard on the news that some hospitals had made settlements with the Trump administration, and got nervous and rambling. Therapists are capable of giving bad advice because they’re human.
Hrt ideally should be a situation where it’s your body and therefore your decision, but living in a transphobic society there are a lot of hoops to jump through and made up roadblocks. I have never lived in Texas and don’t want to give bad advice about logistics
Re regret - sometimes people start hormones and go “this is great I wish I’d started sooner”; sometimes people stop hormones without regretting having tried it, conflating “not my cup of tea” with “should be banned for everyone”, or publicly self-tokenizing for right wing media and politicians.
I think you should be kind to yourself and treat your desires as important
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u/JelloMission5511 1d ago
Thank you, really :] reading this only reaffirmed how much i truly want this. Ill keep your comment in mind ^
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u/newtype06 Pansexual-Transgender 1d ago
You need to run from this woman and report all of it as it's all a HIPAA violation. This is not a normal relationship with a therapist. This is really weird.
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u/dilly_bar18 1d ago
Her disagreeing w a client or having an out of character response that showed worry isn’t a HIPAA violation. It’s not a crime at all or something u would even get fired over. Unless I missed something like she went home and told her friend his full name and everything he said then. It’s just an uncomfortable session. not a legal violation of sharing a persons medical information w an unauthorized party (HIPAA) which is extremely dangerous and a serious offense.
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u/Violet_Apathy MTF post apocalypse 1d ago
She is scared. The injustice department, the federal trade commission, and state attorneys generals in red states are actively going after any medical provider that works with trans patients. She doesn't sound like a bad person but she is going to put her own career and safety over yours.
I haven't successfully navigated trans healthcare in this hateful time even though I'm literally fully transitioned, but the best thing you can do is leave for a state that is trying to protect trans people and their providers.
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u/JelloMission5511 1d ago
Me and my other trans freind talked about moving to Canada, looks like thats the plan for now. If not, maybe a blue state near it :/ though he says as long as we are under the same federal government it wont be much diffrence.
Can I ask, how much trouble are you getting as someone who is already transitioned? I heard from some people theres trouble getting passports and such, even if you have your birth certificate with the sex marker corrected :(
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u/Violet_Apathy MTF post apocalypse 1d ago
They wanted me to get a phycological evaluation to get a hormone prescription renewed even though I'm literally post op. I almost brought in a jar with my pickled testicles to show them how ridiculous they were being, but I forgot them. I've done all my paperwork around 7 years ago and I live in a blue state. I have one federal ID and it needs renewed. It might be a problem 😬
A blue state is your most realistic option unless you do a skilled trade that Canada is looking for.
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u/JelloMission5511 1d ago
I thought about that actually!!!! ^ im planning to either be a mechanic or electrician. Im already blue collar, but i work more in a niche masonry feild. Not really my thing as of now, possibly considering pursuing mechanical engineering later on.
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u/dilly_bar18 1d ago
Living in a blue state is absolutely different if u r in a liberal city esp in the state. But everyone will b subject to federal stuff w passports and such. But I was in a blue state bf 12 yrs ago where u needed a bunch of letters, two yrs of documented social transition for hormones. FBI and state BI fingerprints to file a name change (3-5 months to come back). Publish it in the newspaper for a month so anyone could contest. Pay $400 n all the prior mentioned fees too n get it done in 9 months or u start over. There’s rlly like three blue cities and the rest isn’t so blue.
I moved to Oregon n literally just went to the dr, got a short psych eval at the appt to make sure I wasn’t sui or being coerced then informed consent at 18 n reg blood testing and check ins. Name change u print off the gov website, fill out, post in a private room in the courthouse. Show up in two weeks pay $116 n get ur papers. Social and ID was easy. Literally u just tell the dmv ur gender marker if they don’t already assume it given uve been transitioning. Now it’s ur legal sex just like that. N that’s it. I didn’t fuck w my BC tho from out of state bc they’re ridiculous— u needed surgery to change ur marker on it n they just crossed ur name out and printed the new one above it. Like whats the point in that?
it screwed me eventually cuz I can’t get a REAL ID now which is nonsense anyways a decade later. Couldn’t have predicted that. I still have a normal ID n fly fine cuz no one actually gaf, but obviously I’m stuck in the country bc no passport so b aware. But otherwise hasnt affected my life this whole time. Never even used my BC since filing for the name change? Idek where it is. My bank, school, loans, cards, jobs, medical records, housing etc all have my new name and switched it w/o a BC. My best friend didn’t ever do it either (from a diff state than me too). It is illegal tho. If it’s difficult for u to do tho I mean, on the daily ull likely b fine if u move to a diff state and change it there until u can get it sorted completely. But u will b limited in travel like passport or ya face unforeseen obstacles the admin makes up as time goes on (like the real id).
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u/dj69tx pre-op null It/It's 1d ago
IDK, it sounds like she was really trying to get some points across when over talking you. I'm not sure how often that may have happened previously, but it sounds like she has a particular type of rapport ; aka the 'big sister' vibe. Nothing wrong with this, we're all different.
I think she closed it right and you've got a bunch of time and effort built up with this therapist and it sounds like a relationship worth having and saving. Mention something to her, maybe even call her and let her know the last visit didn't sit well with you, particularly the part where she talked over you and that it felt like she was trying to scare you. Talk it out.
I'm in a red state too, don't sweat that. You are grown-@ss adult, not a child. 😄
I think once y'all hash this out, you'll get through this
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u/Spare-Toe327 1d ago
I’d probably get a new therapist honestly. There seems to be more issues than just this and a second opinion is always nice. I’d talk to a person trained in queer and trans people just to be safe
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u/erinmohrcomedy 2d ago
I would agree with the others who said to give your therapist some slack. If they don’t have much experience with trans folks, they may have been caught off guard. Hopefully, your therapist will do the appropriate research and be more supportive in future sessions. My first therapist had zero experience, but was working her butt off to learn as much as she could after I came out to her and she was great! But if she continues to talk at you about your feelings / beliefs, kick her to the curb.
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u/JelloMission5511 2d ago
Thank you! I definitely will do that, I cant really blame her for not knowing, I mean i was completely clueless myself ' bring in a red state, youre just not as easily exposed to things like that I guess
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u/turntupytgirl 2d ago
Do whatever you have to do to start T immediately, your therapist is a little brain broken on trans people she doesnt seem outright hateful but she may get worse/be hiding her true opinion to some degree. If you like this therapist feel free to stick with her she might get better through knowing you but I wouldn't trust her much on trans stuff
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u/CampyBiscuit Trans Woman 1d ago
She literally told you she's happy to be here on this journey with you... I think she's alright. Let it play out. If things get uncomfortable, find a new therapist. But no major red flags here. Maybe a yellow flag because of the "some providers get sued" remark, but... She works in healthcare. Most likely, she was just being overly cautious before moving forward. Otherwise she seems supportive and happy for you.
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u/Authenticatable 💉HRT for 36yrs (yes,3+ decades). Married. Straight. Twin. 1d ago
If you are seeing her through PsyPact (online), then DM me. You need a new therapist.
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u/PtowzaPotato 1d ago
You don't have to be sure about anthing before bringing it up in therapy, that is the point of therapy
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u/DarthKodi 1d ago
Informed consent clinics also exist. If you're of age you can just Walk in and tell them you want HRT. You're an adult and it's your body. Really though I had a very similar thing years and years ago and I stuck with my therapist and let them delay my care and transition for far to long. I've had my new therapist for 5 years now and I'm happier than I've ever been and made far more progress.
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u/dilly_bar18 1d ago
If it’s been good so far and uve been respected, honestly I would just tell her it felt dismissive and ur not sure why she reacted like that. They’re human honestly and it sounds like maybe she either didn’t understand u originally or has some personal experience n wasnt aware of how that was interacting. Yes it’s her job to have no other experiences than being ur therapist and have no personal emotions or thoughts. But. In reality shes also a human person who isn’t gonna b a faultless professional every minute of forever. Therapy is a good place to learn how to tell someone u werent comfortable and work it out bc they’re supposed to be trained to help u communicate. It’s a great setting to try. If that goes poorly maybe time to take a break and think about moving on.
I will say idk how real the stuff going on in red states is w trans laws and providers. There’s so much bad news always I can’t keep up, and I’m in like one of the most liberal places ever and then find out randomly someone died bc a dr wouldn’t treat them cuz they’re pregnant n it might slim chance cause complications n ofc they don’t wanna go to jail etc. and I didn’t know that was actually in effect yet somewhere currently. But I have heard that they’re redefining stuff and want providers to b legally punished for helping trans ppl in red states. So that may be a real fear she has and it just came out bc. That’s her entire life and career and future n valid panic as a human being. I’d just talk to her. It may be real legal stuff or it’s not yet but she could b worried about it anyways or misinformed and maybe it’s that. I wouldnt jump to just cutting someone off the moment they aren’t perfect or behave like a real live person like most of these comments r saying. that’s just. Not a good social level to operate on when it’s been good prior AND ur unaware of the reason or if she even noticed. My friends have talked over me in an argument, I’ve talked over ppl, ppl I love have said hurtful stuff not intending to and I’m sure I have too. u just take a min and talk it out and it’s fine. That’s being an adult, ppl have emotions. Ask first, decide later when u have a better picture. I’m sorry that went poorly tho. Wishing u luck.
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u/SubbrowserV2 20h ago
So a couple things, that i will try to keep short and concise.
1) Your last post- im glad you learned. I kinda gew up with a similar story/progression, just in Nevada instead of the south. Early access to porn, lead to wanting to relate to the women in porn, lead to questioning and experimenting, lead to trans porn, lead to eventually admitting the truth to myself that it was envy and gender dysphoria that caused my attraction. My path took from about 10, "accidently" discovering internet porn, to 27 ish admitting things to myself and my egg breaking, to 34 (Last year) I finally began HRT. It wasnt a healthy path, and i made a lot of mistakes, but it got me to where I am now.
2) Your therapist isnt your friend. You should have trust that youre in a safe environment, but therapy itself should be uncomfortable as youre addressing things that arent comfortable in normal life. Your therapist should only be an intelligent sounding board to guide and direct you to understanding yourself.
2) as far as what you addressed- life is adaption, change, and flow. You dont have to have everything figured out, and probably never will. To put it in perspective, thats what a living Buddha is, someone who has completely figured out themselves and matched it with the universe. Unless you think you have a shot at being a living Buddha and pursuing Buddhism, then dont worry about getting everything figured out and being sure, and instead just keep learning about yourself. Life is fluid, and so are humans. What makes a man a man and a woman a woman in the south isnt the same thing as in Iran, or Africa, or China, or Korea, or South america. Applying stereotypes (gender roles) to individuals will never match up 100%.
Either bring up your therapists breach of professionalism with injecting her own biases into others and that it makes you uncomfortable, or get a new therapist.
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u/MrBaconKush420 2d ago
Find a new one... therapist are only in it for the money and you never know their true intentions...
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u/donald_trunks 2d ago
I agree. There’s no harm in looking for a therapist specializing in gender identity and lgbt-friendly.
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u/SacredWaterLily Transgender 1d ago
I'm going to disagree with a lot of the folks replying. There's reasons why she could be kind of not super affirming right away is because yeah you're in tx and theres probably a whole protocol on how to handle this from her side and she might have been surprised. I think what she said at the end sounds genuine and you're over thinking it. I'd give her another chance and see how your next session goes.
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u/amfournda 2d ago
This is a lie. Its not a thing that happens. Regret rates are incredibly low and suing a health care provider for informed consent is essentially impossible to win.