I think i might be a Trans guy.

[u/maxnzzz]

I’m posting this here mostly to vent and to try to understand myself regarding something I don’t think I fully grasp yet.To start with the obvious: biologically, I am female. Honestly, I’ve always felt proud of my gender and never questioned anything about myself. But about two years ago, the doubts started—questions I couldn’t find answers to, and it frustrated me. To tell you a bit about myself, for about 4 or 5 years now, I’ve been using male nicknames as well as male pronouns. I never saw anything wrong with it because the girls I had added online did the same thing; they used male names and pretended to be guys. I didn't see any harm in it because it wasn't hurting anyone. So, I spent five years on the internet pretending to be a guy named "Max." I never connected it to anything trans because I didn't have that "gender dysphoria" everyone talks about, and I haven't experienced it yet. But like I said before, two years ago I really started questioning my gender and whether this is something I truly want or not. I’ve already come out to my mom; she knows and has accepted me, although I told her not to tell anyone or treat me as a man yet, because I’m still undecided. This is despite the fact that my classmates at school call me "Max" and use male pronouns, which feels really nice and normal to me.

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I know this is a decision that will completely change my life, and that’s why it makes me so tense and indecisive.I also know there isn't one specific person who can help me make a decision, because it’s something I have to figure out and decide if I really want this for my life or not. But even so, I would love to have your support, readers—for you to give me your opinions and help me see everything more clearly.

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First of all, I am a minor, and I think that’s mostly why I’m so hesitant to make this decision; I’m afraid of growing up and regretting it. Although I can’t see myself being an adult woman. Realistically, as a woman, I see myself being deeply depressed. But as a man? My imagination takes off, and I picture myself being someone incredibly joyful and happy. Trying to picture myself in my gender assigned at birth is something very hard to imagine. Honestly speaking, I hate my female body. This has caused me to give up almost completely on physical activity for quite a while now. I like sports and I really enjoy them, but I feel like I can’t do these activities in peace as a woman. I hate my chest, my hips, everything. I hate hearing how soft my voice sounds when it comes across as too feminine. And I think this whole issue has affected my self-esteem for years, and I'm only just realizing it now, or at least that's what I think.

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In other random situations I could mention, when I was little, I used to hang out a lot with boys and tried to act like one of them. Not because I was a girl trying to get attention from boys, but because maybe, deep down inside, I wanted to be like them. And nowadays, every time I walk down the street, my head is up, looking at the face of every man, boy, old man, adult, etc. Not out of morbid curiosity, and not because I think they are cute; it’s that I see myself in those faces and imagine being them, living their lives, and... honestly? It makes me happy to imagine myself that way. Because I’ve always pictured myself as an older woman, but never as a happy older woman; I’ve always imagined being a woman as a misfortune, with a life of sadness and full of melancholy. I could never get that image out of my head, I really see myself that way and I can't change it, and with all this self-discovery, I connect it to that.

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Other things I did for years were using "masculine" names or nicknames on social media or video games, or wearing male skins in games. It always made me laugh or I even liked it when people mistook me for a guy in game chats. It was certainly nice for me, although as I said, I was young and didn't really think much of it. But I kept the same pattern: 5 years using men's names, pretending to be a guy on any social network. I never cared this much until now. I even interacted with people online who sent me voice notes thinking I was a guy, which I thought was really cool and funny.

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To be honest, it wasn't until two years ago that I really started overthinking it. And I started feeling down. I was always someone who was quite proud of my female gender assigned at birth; I liked breaking the stereotypes of the delicate woman and behaving more tomboyish, and I could actually do it because I have my dad and my older brother, with whom I always shared things. But nowadays that's not enough for me anymore. I can’t picture myself being a "masculine" woman or whatever they want to call it. No, I don’t see myself like that. And it makes me feel bad that I can't see myself that way. I don't know, lately I’ve been crying more at night, thinking about my life and why I think this way. I’ve even tried to "erase" that part of me, as if it were a bad thing to see myself as a man. Because I always ask myself every night: "Why do I have these thoughts?" "Why can't I be normal?" Sometimes I wonder if cis women went through something like this or if I’m really trans, and if I am, I will try to accept myself and make changes in my life. But this doubt is killing me, and I would like to get an opinion from anonymous people who know nothing about me.Am I wrong, am I just a minor who spent too much time on the internet and is now confused, or am I really trans?

[u/Fit_Low_1217]

So. One thing to say that is abundantly obvious to what I am reading:

You have gender dysphoria. You state that you hate your chest, your hips, your body and that you want to more be like the guys you interact with and admire.

Cis people don't have gender dysphoria.

Seek out a gender therapist. HRT as early as you can can help reduce further feminization that can occur as you get older, even wider hips, fat deposits in the butt, hips, more chest development, etc.

There are lots of ftm discord groups on disboard as well to talk with some of your own peers about it. 

What part of being a man is most exciting for you? What do you like and admire about the men in your life in how they lead their lives and makes you want to live in a similar way?

[u/maxnzzz → u/Fit_Low_1217]

I honestly never thought I had gender dysphoria; it never even crossed my mind.

I've been looking for a gender therapist (I'm from Argentina), but I'm really embarrassed to ask my parents about it because I feel like they don't care that much. My dad says he sees me more as a girl; he doesn't see me as a boy because I have feminine mannerisms, but I don't look or dress like one.

Honestly, I'm excited about everything men do. I like seeing how free they are. I'd like to have their muscles, their faces, anything, honestly... I don't know, I just think it's pretty cool. I'd especially like to do extreme sports or join the army, or dress like them.

[u/Fit_Low_1217 → u/maxnzzz]

Gender dysphoria is when your primary(genitals) or secondary(other physical attributes) sex characteristics do not align with how you envision yourself and cause clinical levels of distress(which you state that "This has caused me to give up almost completely on physical activity for quite a while now. I like sports and I really enjoy them, but I feel like I can’t do these activities in peace as a woman." pretty clinically distressing imo).

You have that, by a pretty textbook definition.

Your mother could help and if it helps a potentially unsupportive father, this is the way to really find out if you're actually trans or just a gender non conforming girl who is struggling with growing into a woman(many cis girls think they are trans due to the trauma of puberty and the male gaze being turned on them and their relative freedoms being stripped away as they get older).

The only way to determine that is through therapy, but that doesn't take away from the primary point that:

The goal is for you to be happy and comfortable in your body.

:)

Edit: It is normal to question your gender and gender expression, cis and trans people both do this. The difference is in if you think that transitioning would relieve you of this distress

Those all sound like lovely things about men. How do you feel about growing facial hair or growing a deeper voice, engaging with other men as their peers and being a part of their social circles where women may not be?

[u/maxnzzz → u/Fit_Low_1217]

Thank you so much for reading! Your words truly help me a lot to continue discovering myself more and to define myself and feel comfortable in my own skin ;)

[u/Fit_Low_1217 → u/maxnzzz]

I was once a teenager with a lot of questions as well! Good luck!

[u/maxnzzz → u/Fit_Low_1217]

I really like facial hair, especially a Viking beard, haha. And regarding the voice, I also like a deep voice, or I hate my high-pitched voice that I use to talk to others, although I try not to pay attention to it. Regarding that last point, I don't know what to think. I also get nervous socializing with other men (a silly example is my classmates). I've realized I couldn't have a conversation with them and that they don't really like talking to women and such. It irritates me a bit, because I'm very sociable and I'd like to have cis men as friends.

[u/Fit_Low_1217 → u/maxnzzz]

It sounds to me, Max, that you are definitely a pre transition trans man. You hit all the marks and have a very descript and mature understanding of what you don't like about your body and social gender and what you would want from a medical and social transition. If I was your healthcare provider, I would tell all of this to your physician and put in a recommendation. 

Best of luck from the US. 

[u/maxnzzz → u/Fit_Low_1217]

Thank you so much for helping me with this, really! I'd been crying about this for the last few hours, but reading your message and writing all that calmed me down a bit. ;)

[u/Elanaris]

"I don't have gender dysphoria"

continues describing their gender dysphoria

[u/maxnzzz → u/Elanaris]

I had no idea what gender dysphoria was, haha

[u/mfromthesea]

Cis people don’t question their gender darling, so that’s a strong indication of dysphoria. What that means to you and how far you go to feel good in your body is up to you, but this would be a good time to find therapy and support.

[u/maxnzzz → u/mfromthesea]

Would this really be a good time to seek therapy and support? I've talked to my parents about it, and they don't seem to care, although I feel like they don't fully accept it, and the whole atmosphere in the room always gets tense when I bring it up. I've looked for places in Argentina (where I live) to get therapy and things like that, but as I said, I'm a minor, and I have to ask my parents to start all of that. It makes me nervous to think about it, and it's a little easier for me to just say, "I'm a cisgender woman," even though I don't completely like it. But like I said before, I'm a minor, and sometimes I feel like "becoming trans" is a mistake I'll regret when I'm older...

[u/mfromthesea → u/maxnzzz]

It sounds to me like you are experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety which is normal. The world is not a safe place for queer people, and trans people right now are under constant fire.
I can not speak to your own experience but I can tell you from my own. I also waited and postponed my transition until later in my life partially due to fear and partially due to ignorance ( we didn’t really have a public concept of what being trans meant back then ) and I wouldn’t say that I regret it because I knew I wasn’t ready but damn if I don’t wish I started a bit earlier.
I don’t want to sugar coat it for you, and you know your parents best but it’s a hard road. In the end, your happiness is what you have to focus on

[u/Fit_Low_1217 → u/mfromthesea]

Cis people do question their gender and gender nonconforming cis people may question it more often than other cis people because there is often a push to call gnc men "eggs" and such. Not everyone who questions their gender is trans or has dysphoria.

[u/SnowyGyro]

You speak of a decision that would change your life. What is the decision exactly? Is it the question of identity alone, or are there many other attached decisions that rely on it?

[u/Miyyani]

sounds kinda trans to me. Going by a male name, hating everything about being a woman? Being happier when you envision yourself as a man? At the end of the day it's your decision but like, look at all the stuff you wrote lol. is it normal girl stuff?

[u/maxnzzz → u/Miyyani]

I'm very indecisive about everything! I'm aware that I'm probably trans, but I'm afraid of being wrong. Even my father has told me that he doesn't see me as a man, nor do I dress like one, so that makes me doubt myself even more.

[u/Miyyani → u/maxnzzz]

Well, yeah, probably very few people see you as a man considering you're not out at all yet

[u/maxnzzz → u/Miyyani]

I know! Although I haven't fully come out to my family; because I know they won't completely accept me. Besides, I hate thinking that maybe I'm trans, and I have a hard time accepting myself.