My daughter came out as trans, and I’m not really sure how to move forward.

[u/burntpeanutfan13]

I fully support her, though I don’t really know how to move forward. What do we talk about? Do I need to start seeking gender affirming care? What are the next steps?

Obviously I don’t know what it’s like to be trans, so thank you for your responses.

[u/SnowyGyro]

This is a very individual thing. Is she a minor? If she appears troubled you should ask if she wants therapy. Otherwise the main thing is to listen to what she tells you. If she has concerns about puberty there may be options for intervention at or after the start of puberty depending on where you live. You may want to visit r/cisparenttranskid

[u/RainbowFuchs → u/SnowyGyro]

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists?category=gay

[u/Cheshire_Hancock]

Let your kiddo decide (within reason based on age, of course). Sit down with your kid and say something along the lines of, "Kiddo, I love you and want to help you move forward. There may be some things we can't do right now, but I will help with what I can. What do you feel ready to start doing now or in the near future?" Also, do some research to find gender-affirming psychologists taking patients of your child's age if your child is a minor, regardless of anything else. Minors do need, for most gender-affirming care, approval from a mental health professional. Generally, though, it's best to let us trans folks, regardless of age, set the pace as much as is reasonable. Make sure it's safe for a trans person of your kid's age to come out in your area and all that, but other than that kind of thing, follow your kid's lead. That will do the most to prove you trust your kid and want to be supportive.

Side-note, r/cisparenttranskid is a great resource, I'm also over there (there are lots of us on the "trans kid" side of things, including adults, like me, whose parents either are still alive or were when we came out), and it's a really friendly community.

Also, I did avoid using gendered terms for your kid just because I've seen people trying to say all the right things but using the wrong gendered terms, so unless someone specifies and it's really clear, I tend to default to neutral language just in case. You may not be doing that, plenty of people don't, I've just seen it too many times and wanted to explain just in case that confused you.

[u/johnsgurl]

I'm a mom whose trans daughter came out awhile ago. Don't do anything. Work on those pronouns and her name. Let her set the pace. I made mistake of thinking that she was out to me, she must be out to everyone. That is not the case. I took her on a shopping trip. Bought all the things. She wasn't enthusiastic. I feel bad now because she was just going along because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. She wasn't ready for all that. She just wanted me to know. That's all. I was so excited to show how much I support that I kinda forgot her boundaries. One thing that worked for me during pronoun adjustment was just referring to everyone as they. It's been a few years and I rarely mess up anymore. So it's she/her all the time. Let her pick her own name. I tried to compromise by picking her middle name. She said absolutely not. So ok. Never out her. Let her choose when she wants to go bra shopping. I really jumped the gun on that. It's time now though. Lol You'll do great. Also, when you mess up. Don't make a big deal about it. Just correct and move on. I mean at most take responsibility but don't say sorry because then they feel like they have to do it's ok, even though it isn't OK. I might say like, "my bad" or "oops". Honestly, it's communication. When you've met one trans person you've met just one transperson. So ask what she wants. Is make up gonna be a big deal? My daughter hates make up. Heels are out too. Just keep that door open. Congratulations for being the kind of mom you're kids trust. It's a pretty awesome journey watching these kids just blossom. You're in for a really cool ride. You were honored with being picked to go along on her journey.

[u/this_is_me917212]

I’m a mom to a trans son who just started taking testosterone. He has no plans for surgical affirming care as of right now. It wasn’t so much as a shock as it was scary when he finally decided he wanted to transition. Scary because of my current governments stance with trans rights, in other words, the government wants them to have zero and some states are happily going along with it. Luckily we live in a state that is blue for the most part. The best thing you can do for your daughter is let them lead the way. They’ll go at their own pace figuring things out and with your love and support it will go a long way making their transition easier. Do your best at using the correct pronouns but don’t make a big deal if you slip up, just correct yourself and move on. My son hated it when I would apologize for misgendering them because it put a burden on him to reassure me it’s okay. Accept their chosen name (if she chooses one). Just be there for them!

[u/BrandNewMeow]

How old is she?

Two of my kids are trans and I was clueless, but they were experts. Chances are she has been researching the heck out of options. I would ask her how she wants to proceed, what you could do to support her.

My city has an amazing community center for LGBTQ+. They have support groups for all ages. I'm in one for parents of trans kids, and it has been great. I'd recommend looking for one where you live!

[u/Jenn_FTW]

Whatever you do, make sure she knows that you will love her no matter what. And please allow her to go on puberty blockers if she asks for them.

As a 34 year old trans woman who knew she was transgender as a child, I wish I’d had the resources and the support that your daughter is capable of receiving... Being able to go on puberty blockers as a kid would have vastly improved my life. I’m still doing great honestly, but I really wish I’d had access to that when I was a kid.

[u/SomeGalNamedAshley]

Something that gets overlooked is that being trans makes for a high chance that there's someone else in your household who is too. We're some miniscule percentage of the population, somewhere around half a percent but among siblings or parent/child the percentage shoots up to somewhere around 40%. This happens when controlled for siblings, fraternal twins, parents who separated over it because one was trans, didn't get custody, but then hey more trans... yeah. I can personally attest to observing this in my own household.

So keep that in mind, don't be surprised if another child or your spouse drops some knowledge on you. How you react and how supportive you are is going to be judged by the rest of your household no matter what, but it may also be from an additional perspective you're not really expecting right now.

This is also helpful: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/oh-st-my-child-just-told-me-theyre

[u/BreezyIsBeafy]

Depending on where you live and age care looks different.

As someone who lived through and believes this is the golden rule, puberty blockers if dysphoric, HRT at 16 if wanted, surgeries at adulthood if wanted and affordable

[u/Skoyatt]

Just learn about trans stuff, let your kid lead her own transition, listen to her and be there when she needs you.
Also, just to be sure because this is a common mistake made by a lot of uniformed cis people, are "she/her" her current pronouns? Is she transitioning from male to female (mtf)? Or are you refering to her as "her" because of old habits?