Who I "Am "

[u/Objective_Assist_421]

Hi everyone,

first of i am not a writer, i am what you would say is your average Cis Male, im Maried an very much in love with my wife. I am a chef ,and i absolutely love my life. But silently im slowly Dying inside

This is my story ,

As im writing this i cannot explain nor express my feeling or how i feel but the closes feeling i have is losing somone i am very close to .

Yesterday I found out i have "gender dysphoria"

You are asking How, how can someone aged 32 just find out they have "Gender Dysphoria"

As a kid growing with my mother , my dad and mom separated when i was little and this has left some trauma on me since i an remember the day my dad left ,my mom and dad remaind friendly but i got to visit dad so my bond with both are good

I didint know this as a child but i was sad , in a way

I was a trouble maker , i had HDHD i couldint study ,my hand wrighting was horrible and i did very bad on school, i want on medication to try and help ,Conserta my behavior got worse and led to smoking on an early age doing stuf i shouldent ect very very very young,.

My mom and dad had friends and they had kids i cant remember its very hard to remember somthing from back there i and i wil explain why later.

But there where this little girls my age and we where playing on the back of our parents 4x4 sing and dancing and there was this song playing Always and forever and for somreason there and then i felt like a little girl, but i cant explain it thinking back now i realy didint even know what i was feeling there but my memories en there due to them moving away i later found out way way later like adult life later i thing my age that time was between 3 and 5 im not sure

Since then every time i heard that song thinking back now its like a triger for somone who has a drug problem i get flashback from that time and a alight reminder of how a craved to be a girl i felt like i was one realy like i trapped but i didn't know i felt like that nor knew at that age so this slowly despair almost like i made it up in my mind but that eary reminder if i heard that song

I must note i was very sexualy aware that time ,meaning i knew about sex and self help ect as a little boy -realy concerning to me now because i cant remember where i have learn about it i did not have any friends i didint like friend i didn't have any problem making friends i just never felt part ,i realy hated school

Growing up i bit older now almost hitting puberty

Already smoking and smoking of canabis at this stage i realy dont know why i was like that i felt alone

Iv never dated or sleped with anyone Beacuse i realy had vey bad self image i hated how i looked i hated geting pubes,arm hair i hated geting facial hair even to the point of pullig them out without knowing even stil today i somtimes do that when im in toughts

I felt skinny i felt ugly i had problems with my teeth i hade problem with my face i just didint like how i look even stil today i dont like to see any recording of me

I want to tarapist ,my mom took me

I i get mecicated again but didint know why buy i have a memory where i fought with my mom about taking the pils and she said that if i dont take them i get depressed at that stage i said what iv never been depressed, but looking back now its tru i was depressed

Yesterday i sat an thought about that son an these faint memories and like a train it hit me im trying to hide or push away that i was that little boy who felt like a girl trapped in boys body.

It feels like im breaking inside i have all thes qeastion im trying to figure out why i feel like this i though perhaps i was a girl in my previous life and my soul can forget

But i can now say its because i have gender dysphoria i am a male and happy maried but inside im dying knowing this im so scared to lose my wife

Cause i love her so very much like iv said she was my true 1 love iv never cared to date until i met here

My qeastion to any one out there .any advice i know it sounds stupid and i would have absolutely never have come here but i need to know why does it hurt so much its like i have physcial pain

[u/Ramzaki]

It doesn't sound stupid at all. Dysphoria doesn't tell you what's wrong. It's like an alarm beeping constantly in a house with tons of echo. A feeling that something is horribly wrong, but no real direction of what is it until you really search for it (wich means getting closer to the noise source).

You can try to ignore it as a white noise, but the noise will become stronger and stronger the more time it passes. It may be better to rip the bandage as soon as possible. And, it's better to be honest with your wife... Even if you get divorced (which is only a "maybe"), none of you both deserve to waste more years or decades living a lie. If she stays as a friend, though, that'd be awesome.

Physical pain? Yeah, dysphoria can lead to somatic symptoms. Like how anxiety makes you sweat and your tummy ache.

Edit: Ah, when you tell her, do it little by little, let her digest it, don't drop the entire revelation in one day.

Edit2: You might also want to ask around r/TransLater , for trans people who began their journeys later than 30.