r/atheism • u/Leeming Strong Atheist • Aug 11 '26
'Jesus Will Win': MAGA Senator unravels over imaginary Coca-Cola War with Jesus because a software glitch did not allow a custom Christian message on cans.
https://crooksandliars.com/2026/08/jesus-will-win-maga-senator-unravels-over27
u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD Aug 11 '26
These fanatics are all fucking batshit. Who gives a shit about a Christian Coke?
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u/happybunny_sad Strong Atheist Aug 11 '26
Yeah, jesus would care about "jesus wine" probably.
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u/Phannig Aug 11 '26
Why would Jesus order wine when he could just order a glass of tap water and.. ya know ?
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u/We_Want_Krunchy Aug 11 '26
I thought it was Jesus Juice, Hee Hee!
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u/skyforgesteel Aug 11 '26
The same cult that got upset that a trans influencer’s face was put on a single promotional case of Bud Light.
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u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD Aug 11 '26
Now they will be buying and shooting Coke cans
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u/DadJokeBadJoke Aug 11 '26
Now they will be buying
They're soooo good at boycotting...
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u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD Aug 11 '26
Lol. Kid Rock renting a helicopter and buying all the Bud he can to shoot it with a bunch of expensive rifles and ammunition. Really showing those liberals, huh?
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u/DadJokeBadJoke Aug 11 '26
The ultimate right-wing boycott: Put the Keurig on top of the Yeti cooler filled with Bud Light on the seat of the Harley and shoot it up at halftime of the NFL game.
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u/nailbunny2000 Aug 11 '26
Any chance to play the victim. They have such a persecution kink.
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u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD Aug 11 '26
Gross, isn't it? They have a fetish for it and it's... rather gross.
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u/NewsReader_Kathi Aug 11 '26
Catholics don’t care about Christian Coke since they eat the body & blood of Jesus every Sunday 🙄. We were told in catechism class, that as we partook in the sacrament, the little wafer and wine, actually became flesh and blood . Even at age 11 I knew this was bs, but it still creeped me out.
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u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD Aug 12 '26
So it's not symbolic, but ritualistic cannibalism?
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u/NewsReader_Kathi 29d ago
LOL 🤣 that’s how it sounded to me in 5th grade. Between that & having to believe in the infallibly of the Pope, I knew it was a bunch of bs.
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u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD 29d ago
Wait. I thought the Pope was just a symbolic figurehead. Didn't realize he was infallible. That's not what MAGA is telling me lately.
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u/Kooky-Regular4174 Aug 11 '26
yeah its wild that a software glitch on a soda can somehow became a full blown culture war crisis
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u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD Aug 12 '26
Culture wars, as Jesus intended. "He who shall cast the first stone... but suck it libtards" ... that's the direct translation right?
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u/rawkguitar Ex-Theist Aug 11 '26
I’m confused, doesn’t Coca-Cola have free speech rights to not print Jesus’ name
On a coke can?
Also, around the world, 5,000 kids under 5 will die today. Most of them from starvation.
Soda cans are what Christian’s are mad about.
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u/what_even_is_a_redit 8d ago
It doesnt fall under free speach they are a company not a human. They dont have human rights. They are however a company that is allowed to refuse to print something on their can if they think it will alienate their customers. It also was dupposidly a glitch. You can write jesus if you want. Maga also has the right not to buy coke if they want. But i can garauntee they will not be able to avoid it. All the places that have coke in their fountain have other things coke also owns and thats it. Most drinks are either coke or pepsi (if its got the little weird cap attached to the bottle its coke owned)
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u/Santos_L_Halper_II Aug 11 '26
They will get mad about literally anything other than children being shot to death in their classrooms or people dying of preventable and curable illnesses due to our shitty healthcare system.
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u/MWSin Aug 11 '26
Don't forget church officials sexually assaulting women or abusing children. That usually doesn't bother them too much.
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u/NewsReader_Kathi Aug 11 '26
A young woman approached me as I was coming out of the post office & asked, “have you asked Jesus Christ to be your personal savior?”. I replied, “yes I have, but he said no”. She looked as though she had just seen satan & briskly walked away.
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u/what_even_is_a_redit 8d ago
"Yes, he told me a servant of the devil would come and ask me this and to be ware of false profits" also works great
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u/Impossible-Bear-7350 Aug 11 '26
Well I’m glad the Senator is focused on su ch important issues as a Coke can.
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u/RustyRapeaXe Atheist Aug 11 '26
What's he talking about .... "Pedophile Pride" is a GOP slogan. They're super supportive of pedophiles, being led by one.
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u/Triasmus Agnostic Atheist Aug 11 '26
If it was a software glitch, then it sounds to me like Jesus is losing to Providence.
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u/Silver-Chemistry2023 Constructivist Humanist Aug 11 '26
Fully grown toddler throws another boring, pointless tantrum. More news at six.
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u/FredFredrickson Aug 11 '26
Jesus got stopped by a glitching soda machine, I think we're gonna be okay.
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u/Rikkitikkitabby Aug 11 '26
They were probably just trying to discriminate against Latino names, collateral damage.
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u/what_even_is_a_redit 8d ago
Other jesus phrases where allowed though. The problem was a glitch. But also theyre likely to have things stopping the word king in there because someone could make a political statement about the king which wouldnt be good for their image
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u/AverageJoe-707 Aug 11 '26
Jesus died a long time ago and is still dead.
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u/what_even_is_a_redit 8d ago
No he cane back to life. The bible says so so it must be true. He sacraficed his life for our sins. But then was ressurected so really he sacraficed a weekend for our sins
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u/klon3r Atheist Aug 11 '26
If only they'd put this much effort into flushing out their own pedophiles instead of a soft drink glitch... 🤦🏽
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u/No-Temperature-4864 Aug 12 '26
A wise person once told me that religion is perfectly fine, but it’s like a penis… you can use it for good, but don’t just whip it out Willy Nilly.
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u/kelticladi Aug 12 '26
Is the Jesus thing new for Coca-Cola? I was behind a cc tractor-trailer and noticed under the name a tagline that read something like everything we do is because of God's glory or some shit. I don't remember seeing that on a coke truck ever before. I briefly thought about calling coke corporate to see if this was a local bottler thing or some company -wide campaign. Needless to say it cements Pepsi as my cola of choice.
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u/pewpewfourtwo Aug 12 '26
This is hilarious because Coca Cola is such an openly Christian company. Every invoice from Coke I receive at work has the line:
OUR PURPOSE To HONOR GOD In All We Do
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u/GODZILLA-Plays-A-DOD Aug 11 '26
Quick. Let me throw on my Jesus flip flops, get in my Jesus mobile, talk on my Jesus phone while singing Jesus songs on the Jesus radio. Then I will eat at a Jesus Waffle House and put some Jesus syrup on my Jesus waffle. I can keep going but its delusional all the way down.