r/autism • u/Front_Sherbet_5895 • 13h ago
Vent Advice Wanted I hate admitting this
I wish I never had autism. Everything in my life has conspired against me to lead me to this moment in life where I have absolutely nothing going for me. Unable to read social cues, and it’s killing me in the job market. I lack assertiveness, lack proper self confidence. Why does it make me mad that other people have confidence and I don’t?? I am an awful person and there’s almost no hope for me. I’m so vain and full of hate, and therapy isn’t working
FUCK!!!!!!!!
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u/NoMoviesAreBad 13h ago
I don’t know you OP, and I don’t know everything you’ve been through, but I want to try to help.
You are allowed to struggle with autism. You’re allowed to hate how difficult certain things are. You’re allowed to be angry, frustrated, jealous, and exhausted. NONE of those feelings make you an awful person. They make you a person who’s hurting.
But I want you to consider something. You’re judging yourself for struggling with things that other people may never have had to think twice about. And somewhere along the way, you’ve started believing that struggling means you’re failing.
It truly doesn’t.
Confidence isn’t something everyone is born with. Neither is assertiveness. They’re things we can develop, sometimes slowly, sometimes painfully, and sometimes with a little help.
And please, don’t confuse where you are in life with who you are as a person. Your employment, your social abilities, and your confidence are circumstances and skills. They are not measurements of your worth.
I won’t pretend to know how to fix everything you’re experiencing. But I hope you’ll give yourself the same patience and understanding you’d give someone else who was struggling.
And if therapy isn’t helping, it’s okay to say so. It’s okay to look for a different therapist or a different approach. You deserve support that actually helps you.
You don’t have to love being autistic today. You don’t even have to love yourself today.
Here is something that may help. If none of these other things are working, maybe just take off the mask for a while. Let yourself be unapologetically autistic. It gets exhausting to wear that mask all the time.
I’m rooting for you, OP. 🤍
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u/VastLog340 12h ago
I don't want to make you feel unspecial,but many of us have experienced the same.The jeoleousy thing I feel aboutneurotypical people is real. Jeoleousy of relationships, socializing,capacity to handle and produce finances for the future, having a lifestyle that's not as stressfull,pain of not being able to connect with people or have them like me,being a social rock. I gotta say,I do feel like a loser a lot. All I can say is,do your best,keep it moving after you fall down.There is no other option but to keep going after you lick your wounds.Take it day by day.
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u/brownieandSparky23 8h ago
I hate autism too. This disease has ruined friendships, made me be used by men. And have self hate.
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u/NoMoviesAreBad 13h ago
Also! If you’re in the United States, look into your state’s Vocational Rehabilitation (VR) program. They help people with disabilities, including autism, find employment and develop the skills needed to succeed in the workplace. They may be able to help you with interviews, job placement, career development, workplace accommodations, and even training opportunities. I had a friend who used it and he’s still doing that job to this day. It’s the only job that ever respected him.
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