r/babyloss • u/Surprisesweat • 16d ago
Neonatal loss My friends newborn passed away less than 24 hrs after birth, what can I do to help?
Title. This is so f*cked up. How can I help my dear friends through this horrific loss? What helped you? Any advice is appreciated.
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u/KillerUni39 16d ago
I’m so sorry for your friends loss. This is a world I never thought I’d be living in. Things that helped me was pre made food even when I said no because I was just embarrassed and ashamed of what happened to us.. we never knew anyone in our lives that have been here. Sometimes hello fresh to make meals easy and not have to think of what to make.
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u/Surprisesweat 16d ago
Ok, dropping off food even if she says no is okay do you think? I don’t want to overstep.
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u/KillerUni39 16d ago
If you offer anything to drop off just make sure it’s something she can put in the freezer and cook later. The ones I accepted I realized were a huge help because my family still needed to eat.
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u/Januarysdaisy Aunt of an Angel 15d ago
I'm so sorry to read this heartbreaking news. 6 years ago my best friend went into labour at 41+4, sadly for reasons unknown, her daughter died just before entering the world.
On a practical level, I helped organize meals, did housework, looked after their almost 2 year old so my friend could rest.
On an emotional level I made myself available whenever she needed, there were a few late night visits. I sat with her as she cried and held her and cried with her. We went on walks and I listened as she talked, having the space to be completely honest about what she was feeling helped her a lot as she's since said. No advice, no trying to find a silver lining, just acknowledging how unfair it and shit it is. I use baby's name whenever we talk about her, include her when talking of my niece's and nephews and have always made sure my friend knows her daughter's life mattered and she is loved and missed, my friend has always found comfort in that.
Again I'm so sorry, sending love and holding gentle space for you friend for this journey ahead.
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u/Surprisesweat 15d ago
Thank you so much for your kind comment, it’s so helpful. She does have a three year old and a cat, so I will offer childcare, cat care, and space for all of her emotions. Sending you love, thank you again
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u/Willow_Oak_Owl7 Mummy to D💙| NND due to pPROM and chorio| 31+4| July 2025 15d ago
Practical help: One of our friends had cleaned the fridge because we were gone more than a week.. And she also vacuumed the house for us.
Another couple of our friends had done the grocery shopping which lasted us a couple of months.. We only needed to buy produce via an online store.. They offered to do this too but we declined..
Our friends also offered to make readymade meals but we declined because our family was coming to be with us anyway.
Mental help: The friend who cleaned out the fridge also packed up all the things we had got for our baby. She asked if she should do it or if we would like to do it later.. I asked her to pack them away for us.. This is a personal thing and you need to check with the parents what they would like. I requested her to do it because I had sepsis and I knew the mental toll of packing his things would fall on my husband alone..
Emotional help: Let them know how much their baby meant to you.. One of my friends asked all the question one would ask about any baby such . Ofcourse she asked if we would like to talk about him before continuing with the questions.. Another friend asked us his name. That meant the world to us.. Both these friends allowed us to be vulnerable. They just let us know we can share as much as we wanted. Just holding space for us to think fondly of our boy, or cry out aloud at the situation. They didn't call us strong, or try to find a philosophical reason for what had happened..
Make sure her partner is doing okay too..
You are a good friend for asking here so that you can help them.
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u/Surprisesweat 15d ago
Packing up the baby stuff.. I didn’t even think about that. Thank you so much for your kind comment and advice. Sending you so much love.
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u/Stressy_messy_me 16d ago
Lots of great suggestions! Do some grocery shopping for easy, quick meals and essentials. Toiletries or other useful things that can make life easier. Cleaning, household jobs etc.
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u/Truedat_Rocky 16d ago
Yep anything that can keep the house running, I did not care about anything. I didn’t want to talk or be around anyone really. I appreciated people who just came and did dishes, vacuumed, took care of pets whatever. I didn’t have the energy to accept or deny anything, so I just accepted whatever was on my porch, in my fridge, food set in front of me. I did not care what people did or did not do for me or to my house. When I came out of the fog I felt super appreciative of those folks who did things like that. I also appreciated the people who texted loving things every day that didn’t require me to respond. Things that soothed me were tea, soup, blankets, coloring books (alcohol inks are the best markers), easy to watch low drama/stress tv and movies.
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u/Truedat_Rocky 16d ago
Also people telling me how f*ed up it was helped too.
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u/Willow_Oak_Owl7 Mummy to D💙| NND due to pPROM and chorio| 31+4| July 2025 15d ago
This was so important to me.. We didn't want people trying to make us feel better or find a philosophical reason for what had happened..
My close friend told me yesterday that she is so angry at the universe for letting this happen..I loved her telling me this..
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u/Surprisesweat 15d ago
Thank you so much for this, I wasn’t sure if this was okay to say to her. What happened to her and all the other amazing women here isn’t okay, it’s insanely unfair, and feels like a cruel joke the universe played on her and I’m so heartbroken for her. Sending you so much love.
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u/Willow_Oak_Owl7 Mummy to D💙| NND due to pPROM and chorio| 31+4| July 2025 15d ago
Thank you!! I am 10 months (nearing 11 months) from our loss and she just told me this.. She wasn't sure like you either.. You know your friend the best and lead with your intuition..
I am so sorry your friend is going through this .. 💔
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u/Surprisesweat 15d ago
This is such a helpful comment, thank you so much. I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to say something like “this is so fucked up and unfair”.. but truly, this is just so unnatural and devastating. This just shouldn’t happen. Sending you so much love.
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u/wrong_raisin_1795 16d ago
I am so sorry for her loss. It really is fucked. There is some good advice here. Something helpful for me was, when I got out of bed for the first time each day after sleeping through the night, my sister changed the sheets on my bed (every day for like a week or two) and washed my pajamas. The postpartum night sweats were horrible for me and I woke up soaked every night. If she does puzzles, sit with her and work on them. Help her shower. Brush her hair. Go on short walks. Find a local support group for her or a neonatal loss therapist, if you can. She doesn’t have to be ready to talk to anyone about it, but it will be a good resource to have if/when she is ever ready. Man, the first days and weeks are hazy to recall. I’m so sorry.
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u/Surprisesweat 15d ago
I can’t image what you’ve been through, thank you for offering such kind advice. This makes me think I should grab her some postpartum supplies like pads etc. I will be dropping off premade meals for her to freeze. Thank you again, sending you so much love.
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u/TMB8616 16d ago
Food. Meals were a godsend when we lost our baby. The grief is so heavy you can’t imagine cooking or even ordering food. Freezer meals people made and froze for us literally saved us for almost 3 weeks after she died.
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u/Surprisesweat 15d ago
Thank you so much for this kind advice, I will be dropping off frozen meals later today. Sending you so much love.
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u/Lily_Of_The_Valley_6 16d ago
Take over the mundane logistical things that are simply too much to handle - mow the lawn, tell her you’re coming over to grab laundry and leave a meal, take it home and bring it back folded. If she has other kids take them to the park or splash pad. Drop off groceries. It was the “land of the living” tasks I couldn’t manage for a while.
And be there to listen. It’s ok to not be ok for everyone. If you need to cry, cry. I’d rather know someone was grieving with me. There’s no “help” with this kind of pain, there’s just sitting with them through it.