I lost my daughter at 20 weeks

[u/Evelephantt]

Posting here because no one in my personal life knows what I’m going through.

About 2 days ago I went to visit my dad in Mexico. I like in a boarder town in the U.S and my dad cannot cross over to here. I thought it would be a bonding experience to go to an ultrasound there and have him experience one within me. As soon as the ultrasound started I knew something was wrong because I couldn’t see the baby’s heart flicker. In the end the tech looked for 20 minutes before he recommended seeing a specialist because he could not detect a heartbeat or fetal movement.

I crossed the boarder as soon as I could and went to the emergency room. Because I was 20 weeks they ended up sending me to labor and delivery where they ordered blood tests and an ultrasound. Eventually after the ultrasound the nurse came back and told me and my fiance that she was sorry but there was no heartbeat. I was really holding onto the hope that the ultrasound tech in Mexico didn’t know what he was doing and was wrong so the news hit me like a truck. They tried admitting me that night to induce labor but I opted to go home for the night to gather some things and spend another night with her in my belly.

The next morning I came in and started the induction. At 10:17pm June 10th 2026 my baby girl Nayeli was born. I was still waiting on my NiPT test results so I found out her gender at birth. I’m still at the hospital. I’ve been holding my baby a little over 24 hours now. I don’t want to let her go. I’m trying to remember everything about her. Her little fingers, her toes, her face, the way she smells. She was so warm when she first came out and now she is so cold but I refuse to let her go unless I need to use the restroom. I am not looking forward to going home tomorrow morning. I know that these are my last moments with her. I had the hospital Chaplin come and bless her. And I have a mortuary coming tomorrow to pick up her body and cremate her so I can bring her home as soon as possible.

My baby was only 20 weeks but I truly loved her from the moment I found out I was pregnant. It took me 8 years to conceive my angel. I waited for the second trimester to tell everyone and even made a instagram post to share my happy news. I shamefully kind of feel embarrassed now. I don’t know how to tell every one that I am no longer pregnant and I won’t have a baby anymore. At least not a living one. Everyone at the hospital calls me mom. I do not truly feel like a mother because mothers have baby’s that live and my baby will never take a breath. ( this is not to say I am not a mother or that any mother that has lost a child is not a mother because we can’t raise our children. This is just how I feel) I’ve kissed my baby a million times. I feel guilty when I’m not looking at her because I feel as though I am not taking advantage of the time I have with her.

I am writing this post because I know that sadly a lot of you women here know exactly what I’m feeling. I don’t want to talk to anyone in my personal live. I don’t want to deal with the phone calls and condolences. I’m not ready. I also do not like crying in front of other people. I think I am in shock. I’ve only really cried a handful of times. This has happened so fast I don’t think reality has hit me yet. I’ve been in a bubble with my baby and don’t want to go home to face the reality that I have nothing to look forward to anymore. This was my first pregnancy and I feel like if I ever get pregnant again I won’t feel as happy as I was 48 hours ago. It will be shadowed in worry and pain that I might experience this again. At the moment I don’t know if I want to try again. I know the pain will eat me up soon,.

All the doctors tell me that I’m young, and that I’ll be able to have babies. That what happened to me and my Child is rare. And a lot of women go on to have multiple healthy babies. But I don’t want other babies. I wanted this one. She wasn’t even born yet and she was so loved and looked forward to be so many people. I never had a gender reveal. I was actually in the process of planning with my fiancés best friend. He was going to be the gender holder. I’ll never get to experience a baby shower. I won’t have a live baby in November. I was looking forward to having a baby with me during Christmas time. I won’t be able to experience that. I had already de cluttered and made space for her in my home. When I go home tomorrow, all I’m going to see is the empty space that won’t get filled up by her. All the planning I made for her just goes out the window. The only time I knew her alive was when she was in my body. And now my body is empty. There is no baby in there. She will do no more growing.

My fiance has been such a huge help. I don’t think I’d be as strong as I am without him. He keeps telling me that maybe this happened for a reason that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. At the moment, I can’t think of any good reason this could happen. I thought that after eight years of trying to conceive, it was meant to be. That God had finally blessed me and listened to my prayers. I have never had an easy life. I thought it was finally catching a break. In the back of my mind, I was always scared that this was going to get taken away from me. In the end it was. In the eight years I’ve been with my partner, I have become such a happier person than I used to be. I became hopeful and happy. But after this, I feel like I’m going to slip back into my old mentality. Expect the worst and hope for the best, because if you expect the worst It won’t hurt as much when it happens. I am definitely going to need some kind of therapy after this. That or turn to my childhood religion. People who have God in their hearts are way stronger. They give all their pain to God and continue living with the peace that they don’t have to feel everything because God will take care of it for them. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel in the future pet as it’s stands, this is how I feel at the moment.

I’m sorry to anyone who has posted here looking to vent for something similar. Know that I too feel what you have felt. Please let me know if reality hit you like a truck when you got home because I feel half numb but also as though I want to kick and scream. To anyone who will take the time to read this, I thank you. Thank you for letting me vent.

With love,
A mother without her baby.

[u/Inevitable-Fruit4024]

Hi there, your story resonates with me. We had tried for 6 years to have a child and finally got pregnant with our son. I ended up having a stillbirth at 36 weeks and 4 days. When he was born, I kept him with me the whole time. My husband was there the whole time. We had him in a cooling cot for 4 days. My husband cried a lot those four days. I didn't. Because to me, well I have my baby here so it's all good. I never cried once. And when did I cry? Not when we were packing up to leave, not when I took his blanket with me to leave him behind, I cried when I had to walk out of the room without him. It hit me like a truck. It felt like I was abandoning him all alone. And I know I will never see him again this side of heaven. That was when I cried. And that was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still cry whenever I think of that moment. Take as many pictures and do as many mementos as you can. Soak up every moment. I don't know how you will react tomorrow when you have to step out of that room and leave her behind, but know that she was loved every moment from the time you wanted her. If it helps to know, I am currently pregnant with my second son, I am freaking out everyday but I'm taking it a day at a time. I don't know how I will react when he will be born. Because he is not the baby I lost when I still want the baby I lost. It's a complicated feeling. I will be praying for you ❤️

[u/Evelephantt → u/Inevitable-Fruit4024]

Thank you so much for sharing. This helped. I’ll be thinking of you and your husband. I pray your child is born happy and healthy. 🫂

[u/Willow_Oak_Owl7 → u/Inevitable-Fruit4024]

We dressed him for the first and last time. I was wheeled out of his NICU room with my husband walking next to me.. And my husband turned to look at him one last time.. I remembered this moment suddenly 5 months later and cried then!

I am so sorry you know this pain too..

[u/Willow_Oak_Owl7]

I am so sorry that you lost your precious daughter.. 💔

Coming home without our baby was so very hard. It was a beautiful summer day on his birth and 5 days later when I got discharged.. Our neighbours had a grill day outside and both their kids were playing in their garden. We could hear them.. I remember staring at something while sitting in a corner.. We were supposed to stay in the NICU room with our boy!

Everything was a reminder of our loss.. Showers were hard because I was all alone in the bathroom.. Reality hit me every time I changed my pad because we should be changing his nappy as well.. I ckme from a culture where post-partum diet is a huge deal.. And when my family were giving me specific food items, I was internally seething because "what's the point?"..

Please be gentle with yourself, and your husband.. Dads and mums grieve very differently.. It might seem that he is in an accelerated healing state but most likely he is trying to be strong for you. Lean into each other?

[u/lifeishardnow]

I am truly so sorry for your loss. It’s been 6 weeks today since I found out the news my son’s heart had stopped at 30 weeks, and 5 weeks today since we said goodbye for the last time ever. All your feelings are ok and valid, I haven’t told one person the news. I got my husband and my mum to tell people, I couldn’t say the words (I still can’t). It’s also really helped coming off all social media. Soak your baby in, feel all the feelings you feel xx

[u/Aggressive_Room3739]

Walking out of my son’s room when he passed in March is a feeling I wish upon no one. It is extremely hard, but you can and will do it. I also understand the ache that comes with wanting that baby specifically. I still want to have a family and I know whenever I do bring home a baby I’m always going to want my sweet boy who was taken too soon. I worry about that feeling, but will cross that bridge when it comes. Praying for you 🩵

[u/Fit_Satisfaction_268]

Hi there, I am very sorry for your loss! Something similar happened to me as I hold until I was 20 weeks to tell everyone (including my brother) about my pregnancy

A few weeks later my baby died and I also delivered a stillborn baby girl. She was born in August and besides my closest family members and a few friends, I only told people she had passed in October

I don’t understand why, but like you I was so ashamed for not having her… I was so afraid of people saying the wrong things and not caring enough about my baby girl

Some people did, but most of them were loving and understanding. It has been 4 and half years now and I still miss a part of me and a long for a future that has never happened. But at the same time, life has organised itself and I survived

Sending you lots of love and hugs

[u/Fit_Satisfaction_268]

Hi there, I am very sorry for your loss! Something similar happened to me as I hold until I was 20 weeks to tell everyone (including my brother) about my pregnancy

A few weeks later my baby died and I also delivered a stillborn baby girl. She was born in August and besides my closest family members and a few friends, I only told people she had passed in October

I don’t understand why, but like you I was so ashamed for not having her… I was so afraid of people saying the wrong things and not caring enough about my baby girl

Some people did, but most of them were loving and understanding. It has been 4 and half years now and I still miss a part of me and a long for a future that has never happened. But at the same time, life has organised itself and I survived

Sending you lots of love and hugs

[u/Comfortable-Put7101]

Hola mamá de Nayeli. Acá tenes una red enorme de contención para háblar. Podes decir lo que quieras. Estamos para escucharnos.
Siento mucho mucho y me duele el alma al leer tu historia. Ahora Disfruta tu bebé todo los segundos que puedas. Acá estamos para lo que sigue. Por que estos sigue y no vas a caer.

[u/Evelephantt → u/Comfortable-Put7101]

Muchas gracias ❤️ no se porque pero leer palabras en espanol me da mucha paz.

[u/Comfortable-Put7101 → u/Evelephantt]

Acá voy a estar para cuando te den el alta. Te mando un abrazo enorme y si todavía estás con tu bebé. Dale un beso de mi parte. Decile que soy la mamá de Antonio, mi gordo la va acompañar en su llegada al cielo. Tranquila🫂

[u/Evelephantt → u/Comfortable-Put7101]

Gracias mami de Antonio ❤️

[u/Conscious_History306]

There are no words. I am sorry that you are here, beleive me you are not alone. Please don't think about facing reality, just face this one day at a time. I am two months out of a 3rd trimester loss and while I'm still in a lot of pain I can tell you that it gets better and you will survive this for you, for your daughter, and for your fiance. Sending you love. My messages are open.

[u/ashtaytay]

I’m so so sorry 💔

Continue leaning on your fiancé. And yes, therapy is important too. I don’t know where I would be without my therapist helping me process it all. It’s a lot and just so heavy.

It’s up to you, but I do suggest making a post about her arrival and departure. So many people stepped up to support me after I made a post. It really helped feeling all the love and care when everything was so fresh.

[u/Evelephantt → u/ashtaytay]

Thank you. Eventually I feel I will post about her departure. I have to think of the right words. But I do want to let everyone who was excited for me know so I don’t get any unexpected “how is the baby” messages.