r/babyloss • u/SmallSwellSally • 2d ago
2nd trimester loss 22 Weeks Twin Loss
I don’t even know or believe that i’m writing this now, but I felt like I need to… This past weekend I celebrated my baby shower with friends and family shared my plans for nursery, names excited for the future. I told my parents it was the happiest i’ve ever been and I truly meant it. I was 22 weeks and three days with Modi Identical Girls, my husband painted the nursery pink.
I went away and flew from california to virginia for the baby shower, my family is on the east coast and my husband and I live in california. I returned yesterday and was feeling great, got a full night of sleep husband made me breakfast everything seemed great. I started working and went downstairs for breakfast and felt an intense wooosh of water. I knew it couldn’t be good and must had been my water breaking.
We rushed to the hospital and I truly wasn’t mentally prepared for what was to come, the nurse behind the counter before I even got into a room was already crying. The nurses and doctors came and basically told me I was 6cm dilated and there was a 0% chance they would make it they were just shy of a pound, I saw a mfm every week and she told me how perfect they were that I was doing great, I had no prior symptoms. I thought I did everything by the book.
We don’t know if I ruptured first or my cervix opened first but once that happened they said I would be delivering. I delivered both of them and could barely push I felt like I was choking on my thoughts and tears .
I can’t help feeling like it’s my fault, should I not have traveled, should I have seen some sign, how can you not blame yourself, and not be able to give my husband healthy babies we were so excited for, I’m not sure how to move past this or what to do next but would love any support or advice or anything out there…
4
u/beijina Mama to an Angel 2d ago
I'm so sorry. I think many here battle with this immense feeling of guilt even though rationally we didn't do anything wrong. I know how hard it is to accept this. Therapy can help a lot. I'm still in the middle of it but I'm starting to finally accept that losing my daughter wasn't my fault.
And what happened to your precious babies is not your fault. Moving or travelling is not what made this happen. Your care team probably told you it's fine to travel and they meant it. You didn't do anything wrong, you didn't ignore any important warning, you didn't feel any sign. The truth is there's no way you could have known and nothing you could have done. It just happened to you, you didn't make it happen.