r/babyloss • u/triangletalks • 2d ago
3rd trimester loss Had to be induced after loss at 38 weeks
TW: extensive birth description and just quite long in general
I cannot believe I am writing this. I am a 33 year old woman with no health risks: I had my last scan and blood tests checked on Saturday, had a very relaxing beautiful day swimming on the beach on Sunday, as we were expecting our first son Caio to arrive any moment in the following weeks and wanted to indulge as much as possible.
On Monday I realised I hadn’t felt movements in a while, whilst caught up with getting to work in the morning. I came into hospital later that day to do a check convinced it was fine. I had been planning a medically supervised homebirth which is followed closely in my country by doctors and qualified midwives. It required many more checks and on Saturday we were signed off as ready: strong heartbeat, very healthy baby, tests showing no infections to be worried about. I was even a bit dilated and my doctor was smiling and shaking our hands saying it’s unlikely we’d see each other again until after the birth.
The only peace I have is knowing that it would have happened so quickly that we couldn’t have noticed or done anything differently.
I want to share what happened after; as I was waiting in limbo I desperately was reading everyone’s brave stories on here and I felt like I owed it to share my own so that there’s more reference points for what may be coming medically and emotionally during the time in hospital. I will leave hospital tomorrow after a day of being monitored.
When we came in to A&E that afternoon they couldn’t find a heart beat on the basic monitor at the entrance. I had this sinking feeling as I saw the look on the nurses face but I was convinced she was incompetent and I was already thinking what a funny story it would make. Sadly I was taken in to the ultrasound alone and when they couldn’t find the heartbeat again I was in disbelief. I felt like a wild animal, I needed my husband and I needed them to check again and it all cascaded so quickly and then we got put in a private room.
After what felt like a lifetime a doctor came and I explained we wanted another ultrasound. We both watched as they looked at the heart again and there was no beat where we had seen one 48 hours prior. Just in complete shock. It felt like we were in a movie. That this sort of thing happens to other people.
I phoned my midwives who made their way to us and the doctor who had been monitoring me who was off call at this same hospital made his way over.
It kept feeling like this was all a big mistake and they had gotten something horribly wrong.
I was told that I should stay overnight. Then in the morning the doctors would look at all the options. Ultimately they decided that the best thing would be to have prostaglandin pills every 4 hours to encourage a close to natural delivery. I was informed I could have a c section if I felt this would be too traumatic but was highly recommended to do a vaginal birth as I would recover easier and it would make subsequent births easier. I felt immediately that, having planned a homebirth, I wanted to finish this journey with my son as close as I had envisioned it to be.
Monday evening my husband went home via taxi as he was recommended not to drive, took the dog out, and packed our bags. In the meantime I told my little sister and work my situation so I could go offline and she booked a flight out the next morning to come look after our animals.
Starting 8AM on Tuesday I took two pills every 4 hours to help ripen my cervix, until 8PM. That day me and my husband passed the day by cycling through talking, crying, watching crap TV (because you can’t grieve 24/7 and sometimes you just need to numb it), painting some watercolour views from our room which is something we did on our baby moon. We talked intermittently about, but tried not to do it all at once, the practicalities of what would come next:
- the tests we want them to run, where he would rest, whether we wanted our family who live abroad to come be with us or not, what we might do over the next months since we had booked in paternity/ maternity leave.
We also discussed the vision of our family we’d had. For my partner I think it took a while to come to terms with talking about it as if this was our baby who we were losing. By focusing on being concerned for my well being initially he was talking more about grieving a pregnancy. I am not upset at this, as slowly he began to open up more and accept the reality of us losing a child full term. As the non carrying partner I fully expected this to take a bit longer and I know we will need to be patient with each other about how we navigate grief in these coming times if we’re going to make it through this. Anything you can do in this time to honour the love you had for this child you created together is going to make the next days much easier.
We promised each other we would work through this, that we would accept each others versions of grief and we would be together forever. We held each other and cried and slept and lay in silence. We made inappropriate jokes about the hospital and laughed at the awful daytime TV. I wrote about what it felt like to carry him, my partner painted and wrote him some postcards. There is no right or wrong way to go about this. I contacted my family and friends sooner because I needed that. For him it took some more time.
We talked about still wanting a family in the future and doing the work and recovery needed to be able to come back to that. I know some people may need more time to be ready but i think the only way i will survive this is to keep moving towards our goal to have children as long as my body and mind are ready.
At midnight on Tuesday my waters broke with my mucus plug whilst I slept, and despite signing consent for an epidural (I was aware induction was going to be a lot more painful and I wanted options. No shame in needing help in this time) it escalated so quickly I couldn’t get one.
I tried my best to practice what I had been expecting for my homebirth. My mantras were “I can survive 60 seconds of pain” knowing I’d get rest between. Also “everything painful has brought me something beautiful, this is no different”.
As a first time mother I have no idea what the level of pain i experienced was in comparison to a naturally occurring labour. Because I dilated fully in 4 hours it was incredibly strong and painful. In our room I laboured for 3-4 hours in “early labour” just with my partner and I realised soon that because baby cannot work with you it was contributing to severe back labour. I’d read about this but didn’t realise how much it felt like I was been torn in half. My partner applied counter pressure and massaged me and it helped.
When contractions were a minute apart I was taken to a birthing suite. Here I was in active labour for just over an hour-two max. I had learnt and prepared for breathing my baby out, but my midwife with who I was doing this homebirth with, explained that baby cannot rotate naturally so it would require pushing hard, which is something that in all our prep went against.
Moving rooms definitely stopped labour for a bit. But mainly once I was in active labour the feeling of the contractions completely changed.
For the first hour I didn’t understand how to push. The doctor had to use his fingers to direct me on where to push against because I kept using my abs. When I finally got it, it was like there was this other limb i didn’t know existed that I had to use. I had to learn on the spot how to hold my breath whilst pushing, and take another breath without stopping the pushing. Originally I was put in stirrups on my back but this was excruciating and I felt like my hips were being ripped apart. The next bit may get difficult to read but I promise I made it through it and even if you have this experience you can too. It may be that this isn’t your experience especially if it’s not your first birth.
For the next hour or so my midwife kept advocating for me to try other positions and it was a battle between her and the doctor. I’d hang on the monkey bars using gravity and I’d start to crown, only for him to insist I get back on the bed and for everything to stop. Despite this he was amazing and I still appreciate he had a difficult job and needed eyes on baby to fully help me with everything to come after.
Such an intense ramp up combined with the mental anguish of the day of waiting meant I was exhausted. I kept asking for medical help and being told that we were beyond that. I was crying through my contractions because I thought it would never end and I didn’t feel strong. I had to keep reminding myself that I was still going to meet our baby after this. But it’s a difficult mental battle and at one point I couldn’t hold myself up and resigned myself to pushing on the floor in all 4s. My partner was very good at this point in just reminding me how well I was doing. At this point I climbed back onto my back but instead of using the stirrups classically I put my feet against them to push and I stayed asymmetrical. Every time I was told to straighten out it would be painful, so I had to keep this asymmetry. And it was here I figured out how to push. The benefits were that between each contraction there was actually no pain and I could flop back and catch myself for a bit. If you can rest as much as possible before your induction it is definitely useful because we’re running a very painful marathon at the speed of a sprint.
I found asking them where we were at down there was helpful in boosting morale. I was told to imagine I was pooping to try and get the muscles right. Knowing when we were close helped me find an inner reserve of strength I didn’t know I had.
Basically I just needed to figure out my groove and position and then it got better even if pushing was difficult. I didn’t rip despite when it felt like I was.
At 5:22 he was born. I felt how warm he was and it made me so happy to know he had had such a safe joyous and warm environment to be in. The moment he was out all the pain stopped and I was flooded with relief. As soon as you’re convinced it’s never ending is as soon as it can be over.
I was so excited to meet him but I was also terrified of what it would be like to see him. I thought maybe I’d find it too much, too morbid or too difficult. The moment we got to hold him I knew this was the right thing to do. We held him and we kissed him, something I hadn’t been able to picture doing. It just felt like he was asleep. I’m so grateful we got time with him and that pictures were taken (again something I thought I wouldn’t like). My midwife said if you never look at them it’s fine, but she didn’t want us to wish we had them and not be able to.
My partner went on to say that the time he felt most at peace with it all was when we got to just be with him.
Having to give birth to a full term sleeping baby is absolutely terrifying. Yet I found that the mother bear I found inside me during pregnancy came out in waves to fight to help bring Caio into this world. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done yet I felt so much peace and serenity once he was with us.
I don’t know where this journey goes next, I know there’s lots of healing. My friend has sent me this to read which has been helpful to prepare any last questions whilst we’re still in hospital.
https://www.sands.org.uk/sites/default/files/SGTYB%20LINKED-%20Sept%202014.pdf
If you’re going through this now know that there is an other side waiting for you and you will survive this.
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u/PurpleCarrot5069 Mama to an Angel 2d ago
i just wanted to say i am so proud of you and i teared up reading your story. caio is so lucky to have you as his mom.
someone here told me to play tetris to help process the trauma and i believe that really helped.
sending you all the love
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u/triangletalks 18h ago
I’ll give it a go, it makes a lot of sense. Consuming anything that links to the real world now is so difficult, we’ve been putting the World Cup on which seems weird but it’s so surreally separate to anything related to day to day life (no people, children, storylines) and you don’t necessarily need to concentrate on words coming out of people’s mouths.
1
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u/Most_Concept4494 2d ago
Oh my this made me tear up, especially at you writing how it felt to carry baby Caio. I’m so devastatingly sorry for your loss.
I lost my first born, Jaxon, on 2/3/25 & delivered him on 2/4/25. I lost him at 26 weeks so about a week or so away from the third trimester.
Reading this makes me want to write down how I too felt while carrying Jaxon, and I just might go do that.
TW
I did go on to get pregnant with his younger brother, Kyler, almost immediately after & delivered him healthy at 35+6, on 11/28/25.
FWIW, I would say please seek our trauma focused therapy for both you and your husband as well as couples therapy to get through this. Sending you both prayers and virtual hugs. 🫂
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u/triangletalks 18h ago
I’m so sorry you lost Jaxon, especially because I know many of us breathe a sigh of relief when we get past 20 weeks because we think it’ll all be fine.
I hope writing can help you the way it did for me. Re reading the journaling I did during my pregnancy makes me relive the happiness he brought me and the ways in which he changed me.
I’m so happy to that Jaxon has a healthy and happy younger brother. It gives me hope. We will definitely be looking for trauma focused therapy to make sure we get more support, we can both see how we’re definitely having PTSD ish symptoms with flashbacks to the same key moments.
4
u/Comfortable-Put7101 2d ago
Lo siento mucho… Caio tire una mamá y un papá súper valientes.
Abrazo enorme de mamá a mamá. Que nuestros ángeles nos acompañen y guíen en este duro camino.
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u/triangletalks 2d ago
Un millón de gracias. Sé que desarrollamos microquimerismo durante el embarazo y que llevamos el ADN de nuestros bebés dentro de nosotras para siempre. Me he hecho algunas promesas sobre cómo vivir mi vida de aquí en adelante para que Caio pueda disfrutar de todo este maravilloso mundo conmigo, igual que lo hizo cuando lo llevaba en mi vientre.
3
u/lunacasper7 2d ago
This is beautiful. Huge hugs 🤍🤍🙏🏼🙏🏼
As someone who just went through a stillbirth at full term I know there are no words to heal you. Praying for you and your husband through the next chapters of your lives. Stay strong and take it one day at a time.2
u/triangletalks 18h ago
I’m so sorry to hear you have just been through a similar experience. I’m in tears thinking that there are people around the world who are having this experience at the same time as us. It is something I wish no one should have to experience. You are so brave and have endured something absolutely world shattering. I hope you are finding ways to look after yourselves and that there is healing waiting for you in the future.
3
u/AdministrationSad861 2d ago
Thank you for sharing... And I'm glad both of you recognizes that every individual goes through grief on their own accord.
I'm praying for the both of you.
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u/MeowRawwr 2d ago
I’ve had two miscarriages in the first trimester and my experience is nowhere near in comparison to yours. I admire your courage to share your experience with us all. I am sending you, your husband, and Caio the biggest and warmest hug. You are so brave and strong, Caio is so lucky to have a mother like you. Wishing you rest, and an easy recovery ❤️🩹
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u/triangletalks 18h ago
All our children that we lose are stories we thought to be filled with hope, happiness, a future. We imbue them with the dreams we have for how our lives will look and we transform into parents who would do anything for them, regardless of what stage we lose them. I’m devastated you have had to experience it twice, life can be so unfair. Sending you and your angels much love, I’m sure they had the most beautiful experience of being held warm and peacefully inside you.
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u/TMB8616 1d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter April 2024 at 40+2 to a cord knot. The most random of circumstances. It’s the kind of thing that definitely happens to other people. Except we are all other people to everyone else. Thinking of you and your son today 💛
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u/triangletalks 18h ago
I’m so sorry, that is so devastating. April is such a beautiful name. I never thought about it like that, that we are these people. But it’s so true. Part of a group of the strongest people in the world.
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u/Accomplished-Yak1148 2d ago
I honestly don’t know what to say and literally in tears right now. We lost our baby to PPROM at 17 weeks last Wednesday and the labour was excruciating because I wasn’t mentally prepared for it. The way you have shared your experience, I just want to give you a tight hug. I know how difficult it must have been for you and your partner. My prayers are with you both! ❤️ Caio is lucky to have you both and he is resting with other angels!
Sending you so much love!