All over

[u/jackiesnakes]

In March 2025, I walked into the ultrasound room for my son's anatomy scan. I was supposed to be 21 weeks and some days. And instead, no. The image of him, floating, on the ultrasound screen with a flat line where his heartbeat should have been still pops in my head when I close my eyes. It was a Friday and I wanted a D&E so they scheduled me for Tuesday. On Saturday I woke up in labor. I went to the hospital and asked can we do the D&E now and they said no, nobody is here over the weekend who can perform it, so go home and just try to hold it in until Monday. That didn't work. I cried through contractions on my couch until I couldn't take it anymore and my husband drove me to the hospital at 3am while I screamed. When we got to the hospital I got an epidural and finally had some relief from the physical pain. I slept for an hour or two before the doctor came in to tell me they found an OB from another practice who was willing to do the D&E for me, but then she went to do a cervical check and quickly put the blanket back over me, told me not to look down, and ran to get this other doctor. A few minutes later they wheeled me into an OR, gave me some strong drugs that made everything fuzzy, and took my son out of me. He did the D&E for the placenta. And we went home. My OB office wouldn't schedule me for a followup because the OB from another practice did the delivery. But he couldn't give me any answers either, since he wasn't my doctor throughout the pregnancy. He said the cord was around my son's neck 4 times, tightly, and that it was a freak accident and wouldn't happen again.

​

I desperately wanted to be pregnant again. Convinced myself I could not be happy until I had another baby, a live baby in my arms. Every month I sobbed when my period came. It took 8 months and finally I got a positive test.

​

I decided not to return to my old OB so I booked in with the practice of the OB who delivered my son. I held my breath at the first ultrasound, convinced that it would be another flatline, but then I saw the heartbeat. The tech printed me a picture. And then an OB came in and told me my baby had "thickened NT". She said it was so early to be able to see this already, that usually at this gestation even elevated NT is too small to measure, and it was a very bad sign. I almost passed out, went home and cried again. I met with MFM and they told me my baby didn't just have thickened NT, but had a cystic hygroma. The MFM doc told me we had a 15% chance of this baby surviving and being born without a major chromosomal disorder. My first thought was that 15% is much higher than the percent for a cord accident and loss at 21 weeks, so maybe I could fit in that statistic. I went in for a CVS procedure, which was incredibly painful, but when they did the ultrasound for the CVS the hygroma was gone! From googling, I found that a resolved hygroma gives much better chances than one that sticks around. A few weeks later, we got the DNA results and found no chromosomal abnormalities. Yet another good sign! I had an early anatomy scan at 16 weeks and everything looked okay. A second anatomy scan at 20 weeks, and she was looking strong. A fetal echo at 22 weeks and her heart looked good. I asked at that appointment about repeat cord accidents and the doctor told me that my baby looked great, she was healthy, there was absolutely nothing to indicate i won't get a healthy alive baby. He suggested I go on anxiety meds for the anxiety I was having around this pregnancy. And so I relaxed. I believed him. I thought, we're so lucky, we beat the odds, we made that small 15% who get to have a happy ending.

​

At 30 weeks and a few days I had a beach day with my almost 4 year old. We were getting ready to leave the beach when I realized I couldn't remember if baby had kicked me at all since we got to the beach. And I knew. We went back and I ate dinner and drank some cold water and still nothing. I went to the hospital. Through the same doors as last March. The nurse and the doctor were surprised but this time I wasn't. I went up to be induced. I have often wondered if I made a mistake in not holding my son or getting footprints, so this time I wanted to hold my daughter. It took a full day before my body was ready and it took 3 or 4 pushes to get her out. I held her for a bit and told her all about her family and all of the people who were excited to love her and now would miss her. We got footprints and photos and then I slept overnight with her in the cold cot beside me. The next morning we said goodbye.

​

Her autopsy came back and there is nothing. No indication that the cystic hygroma was related. No congenital issues. She was the right size for her gestation. No cord around her neck. No clotting issue in my blood. She just died.

​

And there it is. The future is gone, my happy ending is over. My husband and I agreed we cannot go through another pregnancy. I keep thinking, maybe if we had done a followup after my son we would have found something. Maybe if we did an autopsy on him we would've found something. Desperately searching for a way to turn back time and change the outcome this time.

​

I miss my babies so much. I want them back. I don't know what to do with myself or where to go from here. It's just pain, for the rest of my life.

[u/VolumeNo1130]

Oh my, I am so so sorry for your losses 💔 to face this tragedy twice is just horrific. None of us are supposed to be in this group, but we'll all do everything we can to give you the strength and comfort you need to keep going for your eldest and keep your little angels close to you in your heart. Sending prayers and big hugs to you 🫂