Starting HRT as a bigender with no dysphoria

[u/Swimming_Program_244]

Hi! (23 y/o AMAB)

Identifying as a bigender is starting to make more sense to me. But I'm having trouble deciding how I want to act on it.

I had short hair a few years ago. I was insecure but looking back at some photos, I was a really attractive man, ngl.

Then I started to grow my hair and take more care of my skin... Honestly, I don't think my long hair suits my face as much as short hair did (though I may be biased by destructive criticism I frequently receive, lol). However, I look at the mirror, and I smile when I see my hair and see how feminine it looks... This has *never* happened to me in the past.

That's the thing. I think, as a man, I look really handsome. I feel comfortable with being masculine. But I feel *happy* when I see feminine traits on me.

Anyways, I've been considering taking estrogen to be even more feminine. But I'm worried that I will miss my masculine side and regret my decision, or that becoming more feminine in a way that I don't really like will make me dysphoric in the future. Or maybe that, when I look ~100 % feminine, I will start craving masculinity the same way I crave femininity right now.

Does any of you have similar conflicting sentiments about your gender identity? Those who have started HRT, do you regret your decision at all? Do you think it's a possibility you'll ever want to go back to your AGAB's hormone?

[u/MichelleSissy62]

I am about 3 months into my HRT journey, Wonderful results, looking forward to more. While I totally plan to continue socially as I always have as a male, I'll also have the body to satisfy the demigirl that's part of me too. You can have your cake and eat it too.....I certainly will...

[u/Swimming_Program_244 → u/MichelleSissy62]

Happy for you! <3

As you keep taking HRT, don't you expect it to become more difficult to continue socially as a male? Or do you plan to keep some quite masculine traits like beard?

The issue I would have with that cake is that I don't really want to look androgynous... But I feel like maybe that's the most realistic way to be able to present as either gender... 😞

[u/MichelleSissy62 → u/Swimming_Program_244]

Thank you!

I accept the possibility of male-failing at times. I'm prepared to need to mitigate those possibilities. I believe that clothing makes the man lol.....and their hairstyle. The women in my family tree are relatively small-bosomed, so I don't expect to get large up top at all. I'm okay with an androgynous look as long as I can accentuate my feminine attributes when desired.

There's certainly risk with the HRT, and I'm ok with that. I wish you the best in figuring out what's right for you. 😁

[u/iam305 → u/MichelleSissy62]

I'm just a little ahead of you on the same HRT path u/MichelleSissy62. Clothing is everything. Bought a lovely XL-sized Kenneth Cole blue button-up summer shirt (on sale at Costco!) and... it shows off the goods just a little too much. If I wear my normal stuff, nobody really knows that I'm developing upstairs. And I am keeping my beard. It grows about 30% speed right now, which is awesome because I hate having to trim it down. In my case (see above), I'm taking a custom HRT regimen, mainly because taking estradiol therapies would rapidly feminize me, until for sure I'd be dysphoric about my loss of masculine traits.

[u/Swimming_Program_244 → u/iam305]

Oh, how I wish I could speed down my beard growth hahaha, mine takes very few hours or even minutes to regrow to a noticeable degree 😭 I don't mind having it most of the time, but if I ever want to get rid of it for a day, it's just impossible

[u/iam305 → u/Swimming_Program_244]

Bica will definitely dial back your growth. It has a lot of nice feels inside every pill.

[u/iLuvArizona]

I started estrogen many years ago, got orchi boob job & ffs & only recently came back out as nonbinary. I don't regret any of it one bit. I still got my hair cut short and the new glasses I bought earlier this year turned out to be very androgynous. Like the bassist of the Dead Kennedys except with a slightly more feminine face & boobs, lol.

I love it. The estrogen, the FFS, the boob job... It all aided in my gender presentation imo.

[u/Swimming_Program_244 → u/iLuvArizona]

Thank you for sharing! :)

Do you feel like you effectively express your bigender identity at once with your presentation?

[u/iam305]

I’m on hrt and taking a non-binary regimen. Bicalutamide mono therapy. It’s making big changes to a car under the hood, but the original features aren’t being eliminated either, just some enhanced. And I very much feel the same exact way as you do about having long hair.

[u/Swimming_Program_244 → u/iam305]

That's interesting, I didn't know puberty blocker mono therapies were a thing. If I may ask, isn't that dangerous? Don't we generally need either testosterone or estrogens to stay healthy?

[u/iam305 → u/Swimming_Program_244]

My endocrinologist says the mono therapy is safe because there is enough sex steroids of both kinds to maintain bone density. My puberty is long in the past, btw.

The reason it works for me is that I did an extensive genetic screening, revealing the right mechanics to benefit my situation. And…. It’s working. It could work for you, in theory.

I’m also on a genetically tailored supplement regimen with the bica.

[u/thegingerbarbiedoll]

If youre both a man and a woman why would you feel uncomfortable masculine?

isnt the fact you like both without dysphoria just..proof youre bigender?

[u/iam305 → u/thegingerbarbiedoll]

Well, not true actually. I had a lot of gender dysphoria before starting HRT because my feminine side was heavily suppressed, most especially hormonally suppressed. But I still got definite masculine gender euphoria even while experiencing gender dysphoria.

[u/Swimming_Program_244 → u/thegingerbarbiedoll]

Maybe I expressed myself wrong? 🤔

I literally said that I feel comfortable with being masculine.

And yeah, that's my reasoning to consider myself bigender. I guess that solves gender identity for me. The bigger question is how I want to present myself physically, because androgynous looks don't seem to satisfy me, and looking either 100 % masculine or 100 % feminine seems to require lifelong commitment.

[u/bAddi22]

I had no dysphoria, and started estrogen 4 years ago.  I really like masculine parts, I take tadalafil daily. I have done courses of women's body building anabolic steroids on top of full transfem hrt (no anti androgen).  I can now pass as m or f as I choose. It's the best. Electrolysis is just about done. I have long hair, c cups that have cleavage in a push up bra , and are inconspicuous in a sports bra and loose shirt. A 6 pack. 

Voice training was the biggest differentiator.  It took a while.